he wants to go to MC

[crs13]

We have been having problems for over a year now. Originally when the problems first started I brought up the idea of MC and he rejected it because it would be expensive. We have had long drawn out conversations where I say I am unhappy and can't stay like this. Things get better for a while and then within a couple months we are back to square one. I can't do it anymore, I am so unhappy to the point that I went and got a tattoo because I needed something to balance out the pain eating me up inside. I am so close to loosing it and I can't stay this way forever.

 

I have wanted out of the marriage for over a year now. I don't even want to try anymore. I just want to be roommates until I finish school and then go our separate ways. Honestly if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even want that. But since he is the stay at home parent while I go to school FT and work FT I don't see another option. The youngest will be in school during the day in two more years, I thought I could hold out till then. I couldn't, the pain of holding it in was too much. It got to the point that I was crying after DTD (which we were still doing because I knew if I refused he would know something was up) and he didn't even know. He isn't a bad person or anything, in fact he is the best person I know which makes everything worse. He honestly would do and has done everything he can to make me happy. This makes me feel like I owe him, he has given me everything and I am ruining his life.

 

Last night I just couldn't keep it in anymore and we had the most painful conversation of my life. He asked me if I wanted to stay married anymore. I couldn't bring myself to say it so I didn't answer. By the end of the conversation he said that I had to choose between MC to work on things or separation. I don't want to be married anymore, I just don't see how financially anything else will work. I told him I had to think about it but if we went to MC it would not be with pastor of his church (I don't go more than once a month if that) or with any Christian MC'er because I don't want to be told "well the Bible says." I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to separate but I don't have the desire to rip my heart out and say even more hurtful things in counseling.