the power of rejection

[thecharade]

So, if you ever read a popular infidelity site, you might have caught a thread on rejection a.k.a. fear of abandonment. I studied this phenomenon a lot and used what I learned to pull myself from my A. Essentially the book Journey From Abandonment to Healing covers the topic as it pertains to relationships ending, but the premise is that the pain of being rejected is so powerful that we confuse our desire NOT to feel rejected with love. And it creates unhealthy relationships, both marital and otherwise, that we can't seem to pull ourselves from. Because the relationship was unhealthy in its basis (emotionally unavailable, critical, distant, passive aggressive, codependent, extramarital, substance abuse, womanizer, whatever) the "rejected party who didn't get the healthy love they were seeking" feels too rejected to walk away, frustrated and crushed that their loved one wouldn't reciprocate. So they stay. And stay. And fight for the love they aren't getting. But the BATTLE for love is their entire focus, creating the belief that it IS love since it must be, right? Wrong! It's the overwhelming need to avoid rejection!!!! That the other person was entirely unworthy? Lost in this painful dance.

 

This was me. I had to read the book twice, along with every other website that I could find on abandonment issues. His unworthiness (as a cake eating married man) was lost on me for quite awhile.

 

Can anyone else relate? Does this explain why BSs that have been cold and unfeeling for years turn rabid for their Ms on dday? And why we stick around for so much disrespect? It seems to me (just my opinion) that OM/OW can't possibly know if it's real love or rejection avoidance based on the position we've put ourselves in.

 

By the end I remember thinking, "I have come to hate you, so why do I still want you?" I did not want to "win," rarely ever thought of his BS and never wanted to hurt her, but I could not get over his letting me go. It's still my sticking point.

 

I read elsewhere that BSs struggle getting over this, too. They were rejected when their spouse turned to another instead of them. And the rejection is the thing they can't get over. I met someone who stayed in her M to "prove she could be enough for him."

 

Is the pain of rejection messing with your head???

Edited September 30, 2013 by thecharade

[thecharade]

It is often, but not always, tied to a childhood hurt that maybe you assumed you were over but aren't. For me, my exMM being that he is an old bf, closely mirrored a critical parent of mine (we had that familyish feeling with each other). When I didn't quite measure up as a kid, this parent kind of made me feel responsible for their disappointment.

 

Here I am, all grown up, and suddenly I'm feeling that same icky feeling, that I could do more for my exMM to make this all work out, including let it continue as an A! Ugh! That so went against what I wanted or felt comfortable with. But ending our A left me feeling so rejected!

 

It was horrible.

I believe many of us say to ourselves, "Why am I not worth it?"

There is zero logic there. That is rejection talking, and it hurts.

Edited September 30, 2013 by thecharade

[jlola]

[imbetteroff]

What's the name of the book? Never mind lol

[ComingInHot]

Hey there TheCharade,

I read a-lot of pain in your posts. I wish things weren't like this for you by your choice or not.

 

I agree that there may be things about the book you read w/regards to love but I want to reiterate what I've said oft times before;

Throughout long relationships and the ever changing personalities of the individuals that can many times alter the dynamics of relationships like the ebb and flow of the tide, people can be close and In Love and drift a part fall out of love and Back again.

 

I've seen it first hand and experienced it even closer w/in my own M & relationship w/My H.

It may be that leading up to a WS choosing to cheat that the M relationship, dynamic changed due to many outside factors (or inside factors) .

The "love" that seems to be an inherent Need to give and receive is given to an AP who is looking (sometimes w/out realizing it*) to give and receive it too.

 

The kicker of an A, is that it is running parallel to the M relationship that has time, commitment, children, family, extended family, In laws, and friends as well as financial investment and all the struggles/achievements that have made a bond.

 

The love given and taken between WS & OW/OM may very well be real*

The feelings of "roommates" or animosity may also be real for the WS to the BS.

 

The WS may chose to stay for the kids, money, security, lifestyle w/family & friends when D-day Hits BUT w/that the dynamics can change once again between the spouses allowing to Fall In Love All over again. I'm sure this is what many Married couples hope will happen less they "waste" more years w/the "wrong" person or spend their numbered days Unhappy.

 

It's pretty cool to sit down w/different M couples who have been together many Years and hear their stories of struggle and falling In & Out of love at different times throughout their M to say how happy they are they stuck it out.

 

Thecharade, rejection is a killer, I know, but to limit the odds of rejection, an A w/a M'd person may not be the best route.

Hang in and for heaven's sake stop rejecting Your Self & Your needs only to risk another rejection by MM.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I think this is a very, very valid issue. I, for one, have experienced abandonment issues as a child and as an adult. Through counseling I have been able to identify the issue and work through it for the most part.

 

There is no question that it is a major issue for me and a very real reason why I fell into the affair in the first place. The abandonment after my xmm chose to remain with his wife and threw me under the bus (a fear of mine that we openly discussed and he knew I had) was excruciating. And then after coming to this realization during counseling (both IC and MC and my husband knowing this was an issue of mine), my husband tells me that I was going to see that he would be the one that would not abandon me and then he did exactly that less than a year later with his own affair - that almost put me in the ground.

 

I take full responsibility for my actions, don't get me wrong, but I am just relaying the pain I felt through the exact issue I was dealing with and shared with the two men in my life I loved the most (please don't beat me for saying that) and they were the ones that exacted that abandonment on me.

 

Because of that, I am back to being very closed up and guarded - for fear of being hurt again - another issue I have dealt with all of my life.

 

Arrgh.....

[Got it]

Yes, I think that is a very valid point and does happen more often than people realize. There is a great outrage to rejection that simply means when something is no longer an option/we are viewed as unacceptable then it triggers a desire to prove otherwise. I think then issues with abandonment will only increase this tenfold.

 

Very easily why the saying "the one who cares least wins" came into existence, ties to the same thing.

 

I am going to give a very simple example of this but my parents divorced after decades of marriage, a very smooth divorce, no major drama, etc. Well my father starts dating a year or so, sometime later. Suddenly with him dating my mom goes into meltdown mode, is hysterical, depressed, wanting him back, etc. all this energy that was never there prior. He ends up breaking up with the woman, my mom recovers shortly after and things go forward separately. This cycle repeats itself over and over throughout the last decade that every time he dates someone she "wants" him, when he isn't dating she doesn't.

 

This really comes down to "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you either".

 

I think you see this a lot outside of affairs as well. Humans do not handle rejection well, we have more of a herd mentality so being rejected means, to a degree, being ostracized and survival is dictated by being in a group.

[ladydesigner]

Yes I could entirely relate to this post even though I am currently a BS. My WH is a womanizer, I just didn't figure it out until his last A . I have huge abandonment issues and it has reared it's ugly head in all of my relationships. Mine stems back to my dad being very cold to me growing up and I was constantly being told how I would not make it or I wasn't pretty enough or smart enough. He never told me he loved me or gave me hugs and affection.

 

Your post hits home to me because sometimes I'm not sure why I stay in my M after being treated with so much blatant disrespect. I do love my WH, I feel that I know the real him and the broken him. We are both human and I have come to an understanding of sorts. I just wonder if I am still playing out this scenario of changing the outcome. My therapist says a lot of times we choose these kind of relationships, obviously because they feel familiar and we hope that the ending will be different, you know not being rejected an all.

 

Rejection is so hard. I have been rejected by my WH and it is a tough realization for me. Now I focus on my health, physical and mental, and I know I cannot let my world revolve around his anymore. I do not have to feel rejected again because I'll be okay no matter what. We just gotta keep telling ourselves that. We do not need a person to validate their love for us if we fully love ourselves.

[Spark1111]

Yes! How you attach, or don't, is how you perceive love in adulthood.

 

Like moody, unavailable, givers of crumbs because that is how Daddy was? You will ALWAYS be attracted to that type of man because that feels like love to you.

 

It takes a lot of bad picks, and therapy to realize that. many never even see the connection.

 

I did not hold onto my H at DDAY. I loved him enough to let him go. I wished him and his OW well. It was the lying to me to have the affair that just about killed me. he never had to.

 

BUT, when reconciling, a rage would come up from my toes. I learned in IC that I had abandonment issues from childhood that the affair HAD triggered.

 

So, for the sake of my marriage, I had to learn if I was really angry at my spouse and the affair, or IF I was angry at a parent? The two pains became intertwined.

 

Thankfully, with a good IC, I learned to distinguish the two scenarios and stopped punishing my H for his affair.

 

In IC he learned to stop punishing me, through projection, for his cold, disapproving and critical mother.

 

family of origin ( FOO) issues are so important to understand if you hope to be a healthy partner in any relationship, IMO.

[Got it]

((((((ladydesigner))))))

[waterwoman]

Now I focus on my health, physical and mental, and I know I cannot let my world revolve around his anymore. I do not have to feel rejected again because I'll be okay no matter what. We just gotta keep telling ourselves that. We do not need a person to validate their love for us if we fully love ourselves.

 

That is the only thing to do. i wish I had known that that was what you are supposed to do anyway. I was brought up to be a giver, a fixer of problems, the one who holds back so everyone else has enough love/food/happiness etc and to get my joy from seeing that of others. My own short EA many many years ago was an abortive and unhealthy attempt to get what I wanted without looking for it from myself. It didn't work not surprisingly. And when H had an affair last year what he was saying (in my head) was 'you aren't good enough, no matter how much you give it won't be enough'. So I started to put ME first. Took a while to get used to it - you dont undo years of training overnight. But now its quite refreshing, could get used to it H doesn't quite know what's hit him - but he seems happy to see me happier.

[WakingUp]

Lots of posts from BS here.

 

Rejection hurts, from any angle. Possibly a powerful motivator... but not for this little duck.

 

Im so tired of it... yep you get to keep him. Good luck with that.

[todreaminblue]

i have never really struggled with rejection if i was rejected for anything i turned it around and got accepted.......so i guess that battle thing you said happened i am an over achiever......so i normally fight for something i really want or need passioantely i dont give up

 

 

as far as guys go i havent had rejection much.......i have had to reject and i dont like doing it....my first long term relationship was born out of sympathy...worst mistake i ever made.......but...i dont regret it or i wouldnt be where i am today and nor would i have my kids.....i would be travelling for charity and probably alone doing that......

 

 

everything happens for a reason rejection can push for change......and i actually get over rejection fairly quickly i migth have to lick my wounds but i get up adn my life goes on then I go ok that sucked how do i change the no to yes.....in as far as experiences with rejection and i go .....

 

 

i dont fall in love often ........but when i do i know it.......if i dont have physicality with a person my feelings fade off normally because i just go no contact when i am attracted to somone its normally after time and they have expressed interest in me...getting physical has happened pretty quickly...when i am attracted my sex drive comes back...i bond that way........ .i dont bond with rejection in fact it makes me feel like a creep if the feelings continue and they are nto reciprocated i am not into chasing guys who arent attracted to me and i wouldnt chase ...i dotn flirt.....not my style...........maybe in some instances this book has some truth....it cant be verbatim for everyone though....deb

[GainingStrength]

This is, well, was, definately the case for me in my marriage. I fought like hell to win the love of someone who was so neglectful and uncaring to the point that I lost myself trying to please him. It wasn't until he was out of my house, for a hospitalization for a few months, that I realized that I didn't actually love him. That what I was fighting for was the idea of the marriage I wanted and to prove that I was actually worthy of being loved. It was so liberating to realize that. Realizing that not only did he not love me, but that I didn't love him, was the most freeing moment of my life.

Even now... I realized that with xMM if I had no contact at all it was easier than minimal contact. If I responded to him and had to wait for his response, it was like a slow torture, wondering if and when he was going to reply. It was sick, I was sick.

Thankfully, I realized this and did somethigto change the patterns. Hopefully I will continue the process to stop this cycle in me so that I never haveto repeat it again.

[Lokie]

Fear of rejection has stunted my life in so many ways. It's taken getting sober, looking deeply into my motives and being willing to respond differently to things that "trigger" me to FINALLY have a chance to live the life I want.

 

Those of us who have lived and learned and have not shut down and blamed the other person(s) are rare, I believe. We have an insight into our behavior and a more accurate opinion of others' behavior - while recognizing that we can never fully understand how another is feeling or what motivates them. To me, the most obvious characteristic of this is a commitment to staying out of fantasy thinking. It is seeing things as they really are, and staying open minded. This doesn't mean that we are immune to the sting of rejection. It just means that we have the strength and wisdom to carry on in the face of it.

 

((Hugs to those in the sting. Carry on, strong folks, you will survive.))

[thecharade]

I so enjoyed everyone's posts! Thank you! So much of what you each say rings true for me, too.

 

I never realized I had any issue with rejection because I hadn't experienced it much. But oddly, I ended up choosing a very dysfunctional boyfriend years ago, seemingly because I knew he'd reject me. (Womanizer! Liar! Loser! He was and still is seriously broken.) It was as if I chose him to replay my relationship with my problem parent, so that I could "win" the love and respect! Ugh. That was a good example of how seemingly functional humans choose garbage and call it love. After years of IC, I finally chose a really good guy in my H.

 

Marital problems emerge years later. Life gets hard. Up pops a different old bf. I need a project because the work on my M is not paying off, and so I spend time chatting up the old bf. We had a great R when we were young, and (honestly) it seemed much easier to pick that R up than work on my M since my stubborn H wouldn't work on anything or go to MC.

 

A progresses and I'm not happy. I felt used, disrespected, exhausted and guilty. The old bf says, "I love you so much." But it didn't feel at all like real love, warm and comforting. So I'd try to end things, and he'd agree with me and say, "It's best. We need to remain with the families we're committed to. Goodbye. I'll love you forever."

 

BAM!!!! Rejection! He doesn't want me, he can live without me!

 

Crushed. I couldn't think straight. My complaints left my head. I didn't want to feel rejected, and so I caved and restarted the A! Over and over! Not for the R. (I did and do love him, but it was a very unsatisfying R made of crumbs. We could have been great but WEREN'T great! I was NOT happy.) I accepted little to nothing that felt fair, just to avoid the truth. The rejection.The 'I'm not good enough' feeling. It was gone for years and years, then it painfully reappeared.

 

I had to see that HE and his crumbs weren't good enough for ME! I was not being rejected. Someone not worth my time and energy (in this form) is unable to reject me.

 

A great website said, "To cure your abandonment pain you must learn to reject the rejector." Exactly. Staying in (even having?) the A was more about wanting to be good enough than enjoying the A. I didn't. It hurt. I hated almost everything about how I felt. But do we choose people who can't be who we need--physically or emotionally deficient or unavailable--just to replay some old forgotten dance or win over some long ago family member? I do believe there is some truth in that for me.

 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. What a long and painful journey this has been for all of us.

Edited October 1, 2013 by thecharade

[ComingInHot]

thecharade,

Oooh yes, the "project" relationshi. Definitely been there a few times!

 

I believe now (try hard) to work on One project person and One Alone. ME!

And I am definitely a "Work in Progress"*

[Quiet Storm]

You have gained so much insight regarding your past choices. You sound so empowered.

 

When we learn why we do the things we do, why we are attracted to certain personality types, who to stay away from & why- we become so much more capable of living a happy, fulfilling and authentic life.

[ladydesigner]

A great website said, "To cure your abandonment pain you must learn to reject the rejector." Exactly. Staying in (even having?) the A was more about wanting to be good enough than enjoying the A. I didn't. It hurt. I hated almost everything about how I felt. But do we choose people who can't be who we need--physically or emotionally deficient or unavailable--just to replay some old forgotten dance or win over some long ago family member? I do believe there is some truth in that for me.

 

I can so relate to this. I felt so rejected after my WH's first A that I believe my A was proving to myself that I was good enough, but again in the end I felt rejected after the A was over. Even worse because my WH had cheated on me, I had cheated on him, my xAP used me, I used him. I felt worthless because now I had been cheated on and became a cheater. Didn't feel too good.