What is this? Online affair, EA, or CyberSex?

[IreneAd]

Hi,

 

I have been lurking here for sometime. I had someone contact me online based on a comment I made on someone's social networking site. He was well known in my former profession so after I rec'd his message, I sent the friend request. I thought he was some big narcissist just trying to up his numbers. I assumed that after the gaining of me as a friend, that communication would stop. We were on opposite coasts when this happened.

 

A few months later, I announced on the same site that I was quitting my job to pursue a higher degree. Instantly questions came from him. It died down and after I moved, separately from my spouse, to attend school during the week, he tells me that he is to interview for a job there. This has nothing to do with me. He had an old connection invite him to work for him. He is married also but with a kid. Everything was above aboard except that neither of our spouses knew about the other's friend. I immediately had a dream about him being hired before he knew and told him.

 

He then started asking me questions like where to live, what's it like there, do I like it, etc. He was hired and now lives here. Our online relationship continued eventually leading to pictures and cyber. After this one event, he wanted platonic. This is when the conversations become way more intimate (non-sexual) and meaningful. He thought he was being superficial but no.

 

In the past, I was always refused if I wanted to meet with him in person even before things crossed the line. Being kept at arm's length, made me have several emotional breakdowns. I sought therapy after the picture situation. I continue to attend therapy. Every time I walk in, I think "Why am I the one here when he is so messed up?"

 

My husband is unable to show any emotion since being chronically depressed for the last four years. He showed more before the SSRI's but now he is flat. I have voiced my concerns, suggested therapy, and visit every week. The other person has contributed greatly with emotional support but remains behind a screen. I passed him the other day, in real life, while I was walking. He stared so long and hard, that he stumbled and almost tripped. I didn't speak because I was with someone else and was unsure if it was o.k. to acknowledge him. Also, I was pretty broken up over being the online only girl.

 

We still talk (online) but now conversation is much more sterile. I am not to contact him on the weekends because that is for family. I feel stupid going back for more when everything else has caused me so much pain. Part of me has this feeling of empathy for him even after he told me he wanted no relationship with me whatsoever other than online. Then another part of me is receiving a reward for contacting him. I'll end with Max Lucado: “To the loved, a word of affection is a morsel; but to the love-starved, a word of affection can be a feast.”

 

Sorry this is long but it has been going on for 2 1/2 years. I am in a better place. I just don't know why I can't let go of communicating with him. Obviously, there are pieces missing from both of us for something like this to happen and continue.

 

Thanks.

[crederer]

Why did you get married if you are willing to ditch you husband because he is depressed?

 

That's a pretty piss poor excuse to step out.

[Calcmag]

OP, living with someone who is chronically depressed is very stressful. You need to get some outside support to help you cope. But communicating with this other guy isn't a positive way to deal with what's going on, so you need to end this situation. It probably feels like it helps you cope, but actually it doesn 't.

I feel for you. I've lived on both sides of this, had two lengthy episodes of depression myself and cant imagine how awful I was to live with back then.

Please get some support and prioritise ending the online relationship.

[IreneAd]

Thank you to those who gave me non-judgmental, caring advice.

 

I do not wish to defend myself further by going into the intricate details of my relationship with my husband. He did have an OW when we were dating seriously and ended that relationship to return to me. I did nothing but cut him off once I discovered this. That was years ago. I would not leave anyone because of depression. The lack of emotion, sex, and conversation are taking their toll on our marriage. Yes, I know we need to fix this. Yes, I know he also needs therapy in addition to medication. I have asked him repeatedly. I do attend cognitive therapy and see a psychiatrist regularly since my realization this summer. Crying every time I drove home or back to school was big hint.

 

I just want to say that OM is a MM. It feels like as always, the woman must take the blame for what happened between two people, although he was the instigator. MM did pay close attention to my progress toward my degree and really cheered me on. My husband told me that he tells everyone how proud he is of me. He never once has said that to me or in front of me. I always felt like he was resentful.

 

Again, I will take action on the caring advice put forth on this thread. Thank you so much. I know I am getting to be better and feel in a much better place.

[AutumnMoon]

Thank you to those who gave me non-judgmental, caring advice.

 

I do not wish to defend myself further by going into the intricate details of my relationship with my husband. He did have an OW when we were dating seriously and ended that relationship to return to me. I did nothing but cut him off once I discovered this. That was years ago. I would not leave anyone because of depression. The lack of emotion, sex, and conversation are taking their toll on our marriage. Yes, I know we need to fix this. Yes, I know he also needs therapy in addition to medication. I have asked him repeatedly. I do attend cognitive therapy and see a psychiatrist regularly since my realization this summer. Crying every time I drove home or back to school was big hint.

 

I just want to say that OM is a MM. It feels like as always, the woman must take the blame for what happened between two people, although he was the instigator. MM did pay close attention to my progress toward my degree and really cheered me on. My husband told me that he tells everyone how proud he is of me. He never once has said that to me or in front of me. I always felt like he was resentful.

 

Again, I will take action on the caring advice put forth on this thread. Thank you so much. I know I am getting to be better and feel in a much better place.

 

Feeling unappreciated and resented is exactly why I let myself fall in love with someone else and start an affair. I know the feeling well. I hope you find relief soon.