QuestionReality Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Ill preface this by saying that neither one of us is cheating etc. We just should not have gotten married in the first place is my opinion. I've always been able to take care of myself, and after dating my husband who is a UK citizen, we decided to marry. Well 4 years into the marriage, I've pretty much been responsible for everything. Immigration, home life, right down to making sure he has socks. I'm a professional female in my late 30's. I realize I've enabled alot of this behavior into the marriage..but I've grown steadily more resentful the more he's grown dependent. As the resentment and arguments get worse, I know I'm growing disengaged. I've been through this before just not married. My issue is guilt. I'm ready to just pack up and move (of course I'd leave him everything he needs to live comfortably) but I feel like he came here to be with me and I'm abandoning him. I guess I'm writing this instead of just venting on paper as I know what I need to do for my own piece of mind.. but it does frustrate me that in 37 years all of the men I've been involved with expect me to solve all their problems. I'm aware it's most likely due to me having the "problem solver" mentality.. but really.. I'm bummed out tht I am not able to sustain this marriage unless I concede to wearing myself down into a mess because I never wanted to be one of thse people who gives up on a marriage. Sorry for the rant but I feel better typing it out and getting it off my chest.
heartshaped Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 The first time I lived with a man I realized I had developed this complex of doing everything. I naturally have a take charge, dominant type of attitude and it spreads even to my relationships. I realized the answer was to simply back off. Stop doing everything for your husband. It makes you resentful and it makes him dependent. When you stop, his dependence won't immediately stop, but it will with time.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Does he have any clue or is he about to be totally blindsided by how you feel? Have you two ever talked about these issues? Gone to marriage counseling? I think if there's a chance to save your marriage, give it a really good last shot at working, why not go for it and see how it goes? Or do you not feel in love at all and it's just better to divorce and go your own separate ways...
Author QuestionReality Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Thanks for the input. My husbnd is too stubborn to even humor counseling. I guess I just made a mistake & will have to move forward.
RonaldS Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I just wanted to add some perspective here. After marrying for the wrong reasons, although not just wrong reasons, and then being separated for three years and finally divorcing, I feel like I understand the concept of being with the wrong person. It just doesn't work, and it doesn't work because really, people are who they are and rarely, if ever, change fundamentally. Therefore, the things that didn't sync with you 3 years ago, and don't sync with you today, guess what....they're not going to sync with you in the future. My XW and I, we were too different fundamentally and emotionally. What that meant was that we were never really going to get each other, because we couldn't identify with each other. All that did was create conflict. There were attempts to fix it, but they would end up fizzling. Sometimes, and it's a tough pill to swallow, two people just aren't right for each other. They just don't work together, and bring out the worst in each other. A lot of 'successful' marriages, with success being a function of time spent together and not happiness or fulfillment, are like this, but because of many people's willingness to simply acquiesce to a life regardless of how unhappy they are, they stay in them. My ex in-laws are a perfect example: they've been married for 38 years, active in their church, have a perfect little country home, go on vacations together, have 2 beautiful children and 4 beautiful grandchildren....and they hate each other. I've spend so much time in their home over 14 years, and I suffocate on the resentment. They're nothing more than roommates, and not even good roommates. And here is how that manifests itself...in 14 years, I've never even seen them hug each other. Not once. Their bed is, to me, just Exhibit A. I remember when my XW and I were first seeing each other and we were at her parents. For some reason, we were in their bedroom, and I remember looking at their bed and thinking, 'What the hell?'. They have a king-size bed, and there is essentially a giant hill in the middle running from the head of the bed to the foot. They sleep as far from each other as possible. I began referring to it as the 'continental divide'...I mean, that's what it was. So sad. Why be married if it means you have to live with somebody that you're just emotionally and physically disconnected from? What's the point? Sure, they 'love' each other, but at this point, who the hell even knows what that love consists of. Doubt they do...they don't communicate. The point of all if this is to illustrate that some people just are not right for each other, and the options are to cut your losses or end up living that kind of life. For me, the writing was on the wall, and I refused to go through my life like that. If you and your guy are too fundamentally different, it's probably never going to get better. 3
secondfailure Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Ronald S. I have read hundreds of post on this site and to me, this one by far was the most powerful one. Although I want my wife back, just toiday she still blames me for the things that went wrong in our marriage. That tell me that she stiull has not changed and I cant see tha she will.... WOW. Thank you for that...
Misadventure Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 QR, well, be honest and communicate with him how you are feeling, ask what he is willing to do. If he is not, at least he knows where you stand and you can go from there. Just respect yourself and your relationship enough to be honest and open with your partner.
Daisy7 Posted October 2, 2013 Posted October 2, 2013 I just wanted to add some perspective here. After marrying for the wrong reasons, although not just wrong reasons, and then being separated for three years and finally divorcing, I feel like I understand the concept of being with the wrong person. It just doesn't work, and it doesn't work because really, people are who they are and rarely, if ever, change fundamentally. Therefore, the things that didn't sync with you 3 years ago, and don't sync with you today, guess what....they're not going to sync with you in the future. My XW and I, we were too different fundamentally and emotionally. What that meant was that we were never really going to get each other, because we couldn't identify with each other. All that did was create conflict. There were attempts to fix it, but they would end up fizzling. Sometimes, and it's a tough pill to swallow, two people just aren't right for each other. They just don't work together, and bring out the worst in each other. A lot of 'successful' marriages, with success being a function of time spent together and not happiness or fulfillment, are like this, but because of many people's willingness to simply acquiesce to a life regardless of how unhappy they are, they stay in them. My ex in-laws are a perfect example: they've been married for 38 years, active in their church, have a perfect little country home, go on vacations together, have 2 beautiful children and 4 beautiful grandchildren....and they hate each other. I've spend so much time in their home over 14 years, and I suffocate on the resentment. They're nothing more than roommates, and not even good roommates. And here is how that manifests itself...in 14 years, I've never even seen them hug each other. Not once. Their bed is, to me, just Exhibit A. I remember when my XW and I were first seeing each other and we were at her parents. For some reason, we were in their bedroom, and I remember looking at their bed and thinking, 'What the hell?'. They have a king-size bed, and there is essentially a giant hill in the middle running from the head of the bed to the foot. They sleep as far from each other as possible. I began referring to it as the 'continental divide'...I mean, that's what it was. So sad. Why be married if it means you have to live with somebody that you're just emotionally and physically disconnected from? What's the point? Sure, they 'love' each other, but at this point, who the hell even knows what that love consists of. Doubt they do...they don't communicate. The point of all if this is to illustrate that some people just are not right for each other, and the options are to cut your losses or end up living that kind of life. For me, the writing was on the wall, and I refused to go through my life like that. If you and your guy are too fundamentally different, it's probably never going to get better. after reading this i just had to say thank you for posting this, it has so much truth to it, sometimes we stay just for staying but remain resentful and bitter, its better to part then feel this way for the rest of your lives. Maybe some people are just afraid to be alone but this will just bring unhappiness.
Recommended Posts