My chronic illness ruined my relationship and I still can't get over it

[Sleepyhead]

Please read this. I am desperate for other people's advice. I have lurked these forums since my breakup looking for answers but I haven't found anything like my situation.

 

I was in my first healthy relationship for 1.5 years and we broke up 5 months ago to the day. My previous ones had been abusive, though lasted longer.

 

It was absolutely incredible for a long time, I can honestly say I have never experienced such joy in my entire life. I am a very caring and generous person who only wants to make their partner happy, and he was really compassionate as well so it was perfectly balanced. I have always been very tired since I was young, but a year in I started to become constantly exhausted to the point where I slept 14 hours a day, and was constantly tired, irritable, anxious and depressed when I was awake. I also completely lost my sex drive. Doctors couldn't tell me what was wrong-- they put me on Prozac but all that did was eliminate my sex drive further and even made me lose feelings for my partner. By the end, I was a numb zombie. I didn't care about anything-- looking back, I can barely remember anything from when I was on the Prozac, it's all a blur.

 

My boyfriend was as close to perfect as a partner can be, except for the fact that he couldn't communicate his needs and was conflict-avoidant (he would just bury it whenever he was upset with me and I couldn't tell). I was his first everything, and he absolutely adored me-- people would point out how he looked at me with such love in his eyes. He'd bring me flowers and help me whenever I needed. As my illness progressed, I became very demanding and irritable. I never yelled, but would get very frustrated. I had trouble making time for him because I had to sleep so much, on top of housework, college, and pets. At one point it got so bad that I couldn't drive without nodding off so he had to chauffeur me around.

 

We never fought, but the first time he sat down to talk to me about his unhappy feelings is when he broke up with me. He was devastated and sobbing more than I was-- at the time I was completely numbed by exhaustion and the Prozac. He asked me "how are you so okay with this?" I explain to him that I love him but he says that I hurt him and that he "can't do this right now". He wants to stay friends but I say I cannot. I ask him if he'd like to get back together a week later and he almost agreed, saying things like "I can't call you my ex", "you're the only girl I want", "I want this so badly" while holding me tightly and sobbing, but ultimately refused a few days later (a good thing too-- no changes had been made at that point) citing a "love you but not in love" type thing; completely opposite from the pleading and tears he was showing just days before for me to stay just a few more moments with him as he held me. He continued to ask our mutual friends about me until I asked them to stop telling him what I was doing.

 

3 months after BU and complete NC, I get diagnosed with a disease called idiopathic hypersomnia after many medical tests. Essentially when I go to sleep, I never enter REM sleep and I never get rested. I slept ALL THE TIME but I never got any actual rest.

 

I wish I could tell him. I want him to know that I loved him, and that I still do, I just couldn't function because of this disease. I am off the Prozac and my feelings for him are stronger than ever, even after 5 months of breakup and NC. The guilt, anger, regret, and sadness I feel for not being able to be myself and be the best partner I could be is eating me from the inside out. He didn't deserve to be treated like I treated him-- I was not abusive, but you would think someone who came from several abusive relationships would know how to treat their partner better.

 

I have been in intensive therapy since the BU and am being treated for my disease. I have dated, met dozens of new people, traveled to Europe, been on road trips with friends, gone to concerts, skydiving, yoga, running, volunteering, etc. Obviously I have more energy to do these things now that I am getting the medical help I need. I have completely cut him out of my life-- no pictures, no Facebook, no phone number, I even stopped talking to our mutual friends. And yet I'm still here with a bleeding hole in my heart wishing for just one more chance to make him as happy as he made me.

 

Please help.

Edited September 30, 2013 by Sleepyhead

[ForeverHopeful1]

What's stopping you? Why wont you share this with him?

[Sleepyhead]

I feel like the boy who cried wolf at this point, even though I have an official diagnosis. When we were together and I was trying to get treatment, I would try to research my symptoms and always had a new theory when my doctors couldn't tell me anything. Everything to low B12 to not enough exercise to adrenal fatigue. I worry at this point he is fed up with hearing about it.

 

It would probably sound just like excuses at this point, but it wasn't. I technically hadn't slept in months and my brain chemistry had been turned upside down by the Prozac, I think that's enough to make anyone go a little crazy, you know?

Edited September 30, 2013 by Sleepyhead

[Mr Scorpio]

It would probably sound just like excuses at this point, but it wasn't. I technically hadn't slept in months and my brain chemistry had been turned upside down by the Prozac, I think that's enough to make anyone go a little crazy, you know?

 

Your condition sounds similar to my ex-gf. She could easily sleep ten hours a day if not more. At any rate, given your description of how he reacted during the breakup, I cannot understand why you haven't already contacted him with this new info. Making up excuses? You have a medical diagnosis. If nothing else, you could let him know incase he was worried about your condition.

 

My ex had a stomach problem that she never did get figured out so far as I know. She burned me severely bad and I have no intention of ever talking to her again. Yet I still wonder if she ever figured out what is wrong with her, because I cared. If that makes sense.

[Sleepyhead]

Thanks for your reply Mr Scorpio. I guess I haven't contacted because like I said, I have been lurking here for months and everything says to not contact your ex under any circumstances if you want them back. I suppose I was waiting for him to contact me, but I can understand that he himself was devastated by the breakup and may not be ready to reach out. He lost a lot of weight after the BU and isolated himself for a while.

 

It's good to know that you sort of still care about your ex enough to want to know if she ever found out. Can I ask what she did to burn you? I never ever cheated (or even flirted with other guys), lied, or yelled at my ex-- that's just not me. I guess I just had so little energy that I couldn't treat him like absolute gold, and that's what he deserves.