On going situation...

[theredkite]

I don't know where to turn any more and really would appreciate any advice you have because I just don't know what to do.

 

I have been 'seeing' a guy on and off for seven/eight years now.

I say 'seeing', but we're just F buddies. We dated for two and a half years. He dumped me saying he no longer loved me.

 

Since then we've been f buddies. We both went away- he to work and me to uni. I missed him awfully and we met up and kept in touch throughout the years and would meet up for sex.

 

Now- we see each other every weekend and sometimes in the week too. We go away on holiday/ mini breaks together.We cook and watch movies and go and see shows etc and I stay over his place a lot and we snuggle up under the blankets and cuddle each other. We have such awesome sex.

 

He tells me he doesn't love me or have any feelings for me but we've been doing this for coming up seven years now- I just don't understand. Why would he spend all this time with me if he felt nothing for me?

 

Sometimes when he is drunk he tells me I'm beautiful and that he cares about me. And sometimes he is so cold, not answering my calls, or wanting to see me or just telling me how little he cares about me.... and that he doesn't want to be with me.

 

We're really good friends and I don't want to lose that. He said it will be sad when one of us gets a partner- because we won't be able to see each other anymore. Why would he say that if he didn't care?

 

We are really good friends too and I can't just cut him out of my life. He has slept with his ex a few times and says he can do this because he is still single. And he is right, it just hurts me so much when he does this, but he has said I have no right to be upset or jealous.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes he is so loving and warm and sweet, other times he is pushing me away. It makes me so upset and anxious- sometimes I can't sleep properly.

 

I saw him this week and had such a lovely romantic time with him and after I feel so sad and upset, because he doesn't want to be with me. His actions say he does but he says another thing.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. What is going on here? Every time we've stopped doing this for a bit we just go right back to as we were.

Edited September 29, 2013 by theredkite

[melell]

Everything I have read about females on a physiological level is that it is very very hard to have continued intimacy with a person over time without becoming emotionally involved.

 

Having sex with someone who has told you they don't love you, but you have feelings for them is a sure way to f*ck yourself over.

 

Stop thinking about how he views things. He can change his mind at any minute, and can change it again just as fast. It is pointless trying to figure it out, or trying to read between the lines.

 

You are doing yourself no favors at all here. I don't understand how you can feel good about this at all.

[theredkite]

Everything I have read about females on a physiological level is that it is very very hard to have continued intimacy with a person over time without becoming emotionally involved.

 

Having sex with someone who has told you they don't love you, but you have feelings for them is a sure way to f*ck yourself over.

 

Stop thinking about how he views things. He can change his mind at any minute, and can change it again just as fast. It is pointless trying to figure it out, or trying to read between the lines.

 

You are doing yourself no favors at all here. I don't understand how you can feel good about this at all.

 

 

When we are together- we're close friends too, we just 'get on' and it's fun. When we have mornings cuddled up in bed- I feel happy. When it's good with him, I feel happy. But at the same time, sad because I feel so confused. That we could spend a morning cuddling and holding hands in bed for him to become

Cold again just as fast.

 

When it's good- I feel good. But the intimacy confuses me.

[melell]

But he has made it very clear that he doesn't love you?

[theredkite]

But he has made it very clear that he doesn't love you?

 

He has said this to me on a number of occasions that we're just friends. I just thought ....the holidays and all the time we spend together ...and the romantic mornings.... They mean absolutely nothing?

[Romaks]

He just has commitment issues, and he doesn't feel comfortable with making promises to you that he feels he's not going to be able to keep.

 

Clearly he has feelings for you because no one is going to be willing to spend such a huge chunk of their lives with you if they have 0 feelings for you.

 

He definitely does care about you, but at the same time, he's young, and settling is the last thing he wants to do.

 

He's keeping his options open, but it seems like you two are super compatible.

I would say, be a little more distant and try not to act so willing. He'll definitely get jealous and start trying to win you back, and if he does, he then clearly sees you more than just a f buddy.

[ScienceGal]

He has said this to me on a number of occasions that we're just friends. I just thought ....the holidays and all the time we spend together ...and the romantic mornings.... They mean absolutely nothing?

 

Stop "thinking" and listen to what he is saying. Whatever any of this means to him, it isn't enough. He doesn't love you. How much more of your life are you going to waste? You deserve someone who is 100% into you.

[theredkite]

So where to go from here?

To stop seeing him totally would upset me and I would miss him so much.

I don't know what to do for the best.

[Mariposa10]

Wow, you've been doing this for 7 or 8 years? Does it mean you haven't had any relationships during that time? How long was he with his ex?

 

I agree with the person who said he has commitment issues.... and that you shouldn't be so available all the time...

[theredkite]

Wow, you've been doing this for 7 or 8 years? Does it mean you haven't had any relationships during that time? How long was he with his ex?

 

I agree with the person who said he has commitment issues.... and that you shouldn't be so available all the time...

 

He was with his ex for about four months. He cheated. Her with me. But even though they've been broken up for a year or more now- he still sees her occasionally.

 

And no I haven't had a relationship in that time. I met a few guys whilst I was away at uni but they were casual hook ups really. I see him every weekend- so it kind of 'satisfies' that relationship need but at the same time I know it's not 'real'. He can cuddle me and kiss me all morning but that he still doesn't love me.

 

Sometimes I think I'm okay with this but other times I cry myself to sleep that I have this....weird fake relationship, but he doesn't care for me. Sometimes I think having him like this is better than nothing at all... I don't know.

 

In the time we've been doing this- neither of us have had another relationship - apart from him and his ex who he cheated on me with.

[Grumpybutfun]

He has said this to me on a number of occasions that we're just friends. I just thought ....the holidays and all the time we spend together ...and the romantic mornings.... They mean absolutely nothing?

 

 

Yes, they mean that he knows exactly how to string you along so he can have unattached sex with someone all the time. This setup is a guy's wet dream....sex and ego stroking while not having to commit. Men do not have to have any feelings involved in order to have sex. (We could do it with robots if they were real enough feeling.)

He has told you all this and yet you choose only to hear the things he says when he is drunk. My fishing/hunting buddies will tell me what a great guy I am and how much they love me when they are drunk so.....move on and stop torturing yourself.

He bailed on the relationship and you are still mentally and emotionally involved in it. Nothing in this scenario is going to work out in your favor. Nothing. Be kind to yourself and figure out where all this self-loathing and low self-esteem is coming from that allows you to hang on to and think you are friends with a guy who uses you and runs hot/cold depending on what he needs. Sex isn't the only way he is using you, you are stroking his ego and giving him validation through the clinging you are doing. Also, a cheater with you is a cheater on you so he isn't a great catch anyway.

If you are FWB with this guy you are overlooking some potential love interests, not to mention no man wants a girl who has so little self-esteem that she is hanging onto a man who has rejected her clearly and only uses her.

Move on,

Grumps

[theredkite]

Yes, they mean that he knows exactly how to string you along so he can have unattached sex with someone all the time. This setup is a guy's wet dream....sex and ego stroking while not having to commit. Men do not have to have any feelings involved in order to have sex. (We could do it with robots if they were real enough feeling.)

He has told you all this and yet you choose only to hear the things he says when he is drunk. My fishing/hunting buddies will tell me what a great guy I am and how much they love me when they are drunk so.....move on and stop torturing yourself.

He bailed on the relationship and you are still mentally and emotionally involved in it. Nothing in this scenario is going to work out in your favor. Nothing. Be kind to yourself and figure out where all this self-loathing and low self-esteem is coming from that allows you to hang on to and think you are friends with a guy who uses you and runs hot/cold depending on what he needs. Sex isn't the only way he is using you, you are stroking his ego and giving him validation through the clinging you are doing. Also, a cheater with you is a cheater on you so he isn't a great catch anyway.

If you are FWB with this guy you are overlooking some potential love interests, not to mention no man wants a girl who has so little self-esteem that she is hanging onto a man who has rejected her clearly and only uses her.

Move on,

Grumps

 

 

Thanks Grumps.

I guess I just thought that because he spent time with me it might mean he cares about me (deep down?)

 

I guess I just thought that all the time he spends with me/holidays/mini breaks we go on- I thought that might mean that he cares for me, because he doesn't just have sex with me- we do lots of other things too.

 

I suppose also, I haven't really met anyone else or get paid any attention- so I sort of hang on to him, because he does give me that attention.

 

But thank you for the advice, it is good to get it for a guys perspective - I think I've been thinking something totally different. So the amount of time he spends with me- like the holidays and cooking and movies- that counts for nothing? Or just ego stroking? He has no friendly feelings towards me?

 

Sorry for loads of questions. My head is spinning. It all came to a head this weekend- I just feel low! x

[Grumpybutfun]

Thanks Grumps.

I guess I just thought that because he spent time with me it might mean he cares about me (deep down?)

 

I guess I just thought that all the time he spends with me/holidays/mini breaks we go on- I thought that might mean that he cares for me, because he doesn't just have sex with me- we do lots of other things too.

 

I suppose also, I haven't really met anyone else or get paid any attention- so I sort of hang on to him, because he does give me that attention.

 

But thank you for the advice, it is good to get it for a guys perspective - I think I've been thinking something totally different. So the amount of time he spends with me- like the holidays and cooking and movies- that counts for nothing? Or just ego stroking? He has no friendly feelings towards me?

 

Sorry for loads of questions. My head is spinning. It all came to a head this weekend- I just feel low! x

 

The time he spends with you isn't for nothing. He is getting the girlfriend and friend quotient out of those times without any of the work or commitment. Unlike a real girlfriend, you probably expect nothing and he can date whomever he wants. Therefore he gets his ego stroked, gets to hang out with someone who will do whatever he likes and won't expect much from him.

As far as "deep down," that is a line in romance novels and chick flicks that you won't find in men's movies because practicality and logic does not allow "deep down." We only do "deep down" when we can't get the girl and we are still holding on because she doesn't want us, or because we like someone who is already taken by someone that we cannot compete with. Men usually will not do "deep down" with a girl he can get easily and you are someone he can get easily. "Deep down" is a term that means we like you a lot down in our heart but we know that you won't return the affection so we hide it, otherwise, why would we have to employ that maneuver?

What he is doing is called "right now." You are good enough "right now" to hang out with and go places with and have sex with until some girl better comes along or until he is done playing the field, sowing his wild oats, etc.

I had lots of "right now" girls in college and though I would tell them we are just friends hanging out and hooking up occasionally, a few still held out hope and that hope was misplaced. I was honest with them, but they always tended to believe that "deep down" I felt something for them that I was just not ready to feel because I was so young and wanted to "date" around.

I am sure he has friendly feelings towards you, but that isn't what you want so by holding on and telling yourself these "deep down" messages, you are giving yourself hope that there is more when there isn't. Sure, he probably likes you as he wouldn't have dated you if he hadn't found you fun and pretty and easy to have sex with. This only means that you are the "right now" girl, and he will move on when he finds someone who expects more from him and when he gets tired of playing the field or looking for the one for him. He told you when you stopped dating that he no longer loved you, but he likes that you love him, make no mistake about that.

If you like being the 'right now' girl because you get some attention from a guy who is always ready to move forward to someone else, and you expect nothing more for yourself, stay, but if you actually want a relationship with a long-term partner, move on. Do not waste your time with this guy any longer because it is already established and you do not have to work hard at it to get the attention you seek. If you want to have a serious commitment and someone who loves only you and is committed to you only then why waste your time with someone who is saying to you one thing and his actions are confusing you. His actions are what they are, by the way, because you are meeting an emotional need in him to be cherished without him having to do any of the work or to commit. Perfect set-up for a guy to have his cake and eat it too.

I know you didn't ask me this, but I just want to throw it out there....what happened to you that you would accept someone stopping your relationship and then continuing the faux version of it on their own terms? What has affected your self-esteem so much that you think his behavior is okay and is going to change back to what you once had? Also, is cheating acceptable to you in a relationship, because you are being a co-conspirator in cheating with him even though he is dating other girls? This is another indicator of low self-esteem and values.

The truth is better than the lies we tell ourselves because being stagnant is a death knell to growth.

Grumps

Edited September 30, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[theredkite]

The time he spends with you isn't for nothing. He is getting the girlfriend and friend quotient out of those times without any of the work or commitment. Unlike a real girlfriend, you probably expect nothing and he can date whomever he wants. Therefore he gets his ego stroked, gets to hang out with someone who will do whatever he likes and won't expect much from him.

As far as "deep down," that is a line in romance novels and chick flicks that you won't find in men's movies because practicality and logic does not allow "deep down." We only do "deep down" when we can't get the girl and we are still holding on because she doesn't want us, or because we like someone who is already taken by someone that we cannot compete with. Men usually will not do "deep down" with a girl he can get easily and you are someone he can get easily. "Deep down" is a term that means we like you a lot down in our heart but we know that you won't return the affection so we hide it, otherwise, why would we have to employ that maneuver?

What he is doing is called "right now." You are good enough "right now" to hang out with and go places with and have sex with until some girl better comes along or until he is done playing the field, sowing his wild oats, etc.

I had lots of "right now" girls in college and though I would tell them we are just friends hanging out and hooking up occasionally, a few still held out hope and that hope was misplaced. I was honest with them, but they always tended to believe that "deep down" I felt something for them that I was just not ready to feel because I was so young and wanted to "date" around.

I am sure he has friendly feelings towards you, but that isn't what you want so by holding on and telling yourself these "deep down" messages, you are giving yourself hope that there is more when there isn't. Sure, he probably likes you as he wouldn't have dated you if he hadn't found you fun and pretty and easy to have sex with. This only means that you are the "right now" girl, and he will move on when he finds someone who expects more from him and when he gets tired of playing the field or looking for the one for him. He told you when you stopped dating that he no longer loved you, but he likes that you love him, make no mistake about that.

If you like being the 'right now' girl because you get some attention from a guy who is always ready to move forward to someone else, and you expect nothing more for yourself, stay, but if you actually want a relationship with a long-term partner, move on. Do not waste your time with this guy any longer because it is already established and you do not have to work hard at it to get the attention you seek. If you want to have a serious commitment and someone who loves only you and is committed to you only then why waste your time with someone who is saying to you one thing and his actions are confusing you. His actions are what they are, by the way, because you are meeting an emotional need in him to be cherished without him having to do any of the work or to commit. Perfect set-up for a guy to have his cake and eat it too.

I know you didn't ask me this, but I just want to throw it out there....what happened to you that you would accept someone stopping your relationship and then continuing the faux version of it on their own terms? What has affected your self-esteem so much that you think his behavior is okay and is going to change back to what you once had? Also, is cheating acceptable to you in a relationship, because you are being a co-conspirator in cheating with him even though he is dating other girls? This is another indicator of low self-esteem and values.

The truth is better than the lies we tell ourselves because being stagnant is a death knell to growth.

Grumps

 

That's the most real advice I've ever had. I never thought I was damaged or anything like that. I don't know what's happened. I guess I'm just petrified of being alone or feeling like no one wants me. So much that I take crumbs of anything I can get. I don't understand it. Maybe if I did then I could break this cycle. I guess I feel like 'something' is better than nothing. If I'm getting sex and affection I guess I feel.... Wanted or needed?

 

I don't know..... I never thought about myself as having a problem before.

[reddragon588]

That's the most real advice I've ever had. I never thought I was damaged or anything like that. I don't know what's happened. I guess I'm just petrified of being alone or feeling like no one wants me. So much that I take crumbs of anything I can get. I don't understand it. Maybe if I did then I could break this cycle. I guess I feel like 'something' is better than nothing. If I'm getting sex and affection I guess I feel.... Wanted or needed?

 

I don't know..... I never thought about myself as having a problem before.

 

Just understand that this is all ok and we are all "damaged" in some way.

 

I think you're on the right path. The question you have to ask is why you're afraid of being alone, and why you equate being single with no one wanting you. You have a lot to offer, and while you get the sex and affection you crave, real intimacy is achieved through commitment. This guy has not committed to you after several years, he won't change now.

[theredkite]

Just understand that this is all ok and we are all "damaged" in some way.

 

I think you're on the right path. The question you have to ask is why you're afraid of being alone, and why you equate being single with no one wanting you. You have a lot to offer, and while you get the sex and affection you crave, real intimacy is achieved through commitment. This guy has not committed to you after several years, he won't change now.

 

I think without someone- I just feel as though there is no one who is caring about how my day has gone, or cares if I'm feeling blue. I know he doesn't either, not really, but seeing him every weekend gives me something to look forward to to- gives me something to enjoy.

 

The last time I saw him- he didn't want me to stay over. We went upstairs to have sex and as we were going up the stairs, he said 'you have to leave after this, remember'.

 

So that hurt. But he's entitled to his free time. I can't stop getting jealous when I hear he hangs out with other girls and can't stop feeling down when he doesn't want me to stay over. I can not stop. Do I need therapy? I'm seeing the doctor next week to discuss anti depressants.