AutumnMoon Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 The situation I'm in requires a lot of secrecy and acting basically.. Because we see each other so often in public, and with mutual friends, and are from a small town, so my AP and I have hide our true relationship. I do miss the way it was in the beginning the attraction and tension but no reason to act anything but natural because nothing was really going on.. Now we have to try and hide our feelings. We are close friends so its not odd to see us standing together and talking alone or with other people but I do wonder if people pick up on our looks at each other and body language. Today we were both at a town function, kids and spouses as well. His wife always heads straight for me if she sees me and did immediately so we were with them for a few hours. Other friends as well, and sometimes I wonder how good we really hide it. A lot of affairs start in the work place so maybe those people have separate friends and lives and can compartmentalize well and don't have to worry so much about people picking up a vibe.. Do you have mutual friends? Do you have to be social with each other around people who have no idea there's an affair going on? My husband works away and isn't home a lot, but when he is, he's starting to enjoy hanging out with my OM which I don't want to be a habit, because as it is probably 80 percent of the social situations I or we are in, is with him and/or his wife as it is, and I have to hide what Im thinking so much, even be aware of how often I look at OM.. Is that something you have ever had to deal with?
MissBee Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) No we didn't have mutual friends although we met at a networking event, in my native country, where for that weekend a bunch of us were hanging out, who hadn't known each other previously. I remained in contact with some of them, as did he, but we weren't really friends. I couldn't have done it if we did have mutual friends or the same circle. It would have ended a lot quicker if we lived in the same place, shared a social circle, shared friends, etc. It lasted for as long as it did because it was so separate and especially for him I'm sure, he genuinely felt he had two separate relationships that didn't converge. Edited September 29, 2013 by MissBee
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Mine so different. I met all his friends from the start. They all know he has a wife at home. (the first 6 months I thought he was completely separated - so i didn't know that they knew I was the OW so to speak). We often go out together as a group. It is very open... Only two of my friends know that he has a wife though. My family don't know. His do. It has never really been a secretive thing at all...
solostand Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 My MM and I have friends in common, but not with his wife. We attend a meeting most every morning with about 40 other people. Some of those people know his wife. At first we tried to hide it, but for some reason recently threw all caution to the wind. He holds my hand, we make a point of sitting together and touching each other, we sit in his car for an hour afterward. There is only one person I am concerned about. Both MM and I know him very well, his wife is BSs best friend. We know he knows something is up just by how he treats us. Will he tell his wife, who will tell MMs wife
2sure Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Mine so different. I met all his friends from the start. They all know he has a wife at home. (the first 6 months I thought he was completely separated - so i didn't know that they knew I was the OW so to speak). We often go out together as a group. It is very open... Only two of my friends know that he has a wife though. My family don't know. His do. It has never really been a secretive thing at all... Diana, how does it make you feel that his friends knew you were OW, but you didn't ? Not secretive ? It was a secret from you!
bentleychic Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 No, not at all. We don't have any friends in common, we don't live in the same county, etc.
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Diana, how does it make you feel that his friends knew you were OW, but you didn't ? Not secretive ? It was a secret from you! Feel pretty horrible about it. Well pretty horrible about the whole thing as I want to get out of it. Yes I felt bad, not knowing whether they knew that I knew he had a wife. And now well.....they are all charming and lovely to me...but still they think I'm the kind of woman who's happy being with a MM. And I am not... I'm even good friends now with the wife of one of them. She knows he is a MM too....
ComingInHot Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 An aquaintence of mine had a H who cheated. They all shared the same group of friends. D-day hit. Word got out. At first the friends were in shock and (I think) really tried to remain unbiased. exOW ended up moving out of our small town. H/MM was D'd by Wife and moved to outskirts of town to remain a father. All the mutual friends are now All the D'd BS's friend* It's gotta be hard wondering what will happen when the Truth comes out to "shared" friends. Depends on how close the group is and how tight the individual friendships are I guess
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 .but still they think I'm the kind of woman who's happy being with a MM. And I am not... Once you knew the truth, you had a choice. You can not now say that you didn't. You are happy enough with being an ow. That is the hat badge you decided to wear. Its yours, and yours alone to wear.
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 .but still they think I'm the kind of woman who's happy being with a MM. And I am not... Once you knew the truth, you had a choice. You can not now say that you didn't. You are happy enough with being an ow. That is the hat badge you decided to wear. Its yours, and yours alone to wear. I know that so well. Why do you think I feel so crap about it all. The man I thought I had the perfect relationship with until six months in? I have made it perfectly clear in all my posts I know I did the wrong thing in staying. Why do you think I am getting out of this?
Diana123 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 .but still they think I'm the kind of woman who's happy being with a MM. And I am not... Once you knew the truth, you had a choice. You can not now say that you didn't. You are happy enough with being an ow. That is the hat badge you decided to wear. Its yours, and yours alone to wear. I don't need it rubbed in. I am trying to be strong and I know you mean well but really something like that makes me feel even more **** about myself and even more alone. Yes I was ****ing stupid. I get. Yes I am alone. Thank you
RickFox Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I promise you that others pick up on the looks you give each other and the body language. You think you are great at hiding it but the truth is your nonverbal cues will betray you even when you think you are being careful 2
bentleychic Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I don't need it rubbed in. I am trying to be strong and I know you mean well but really something like that makes me feel even more **** about myself and even more alone. Yes I was ****ing stupid. I get. Yes I am alone. Thank you Sorry, hon. Some have good intentions, but lack tact and others relish making the OW feel bad. I think some come to this board specifically to kick the OW for various reasons. It sucks, but what can you do?
Artie Lang Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 ^sorry, but i don't see where this poster lacks "tact" and is trying to make her feel bad. it's a direct answer. sometimes the truth hurts, that's the reality of it. infidelity is not a pretty picture.
randomwoman Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 We all worked together and have many mutual acquaintances. It's very awkward. His wife also beelines towards me to talk. I sometimes think she knows just because of how she brings his name up in conversations constantly. She even invited me to come over for her birthday once. I guess she tried to befriend me in the past but I just can't be around her for obvious reasons. It's complete torture when things end in the affair and you still have all these mutual folks to deal with. Prolongs the pain because you hear their name everywhere and want to scream..who gives a eff!?! but you can't because people don't realize you just had a fight with a MM.
LilGirlandOW Posted October 4, 2013 Posted October 4, 2013 MM and I have mutual friends, we both knew before we knew eachother. We live in the same town. I share mutual acquaintances with BS, as we attend some of the same functions.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted October 5, 2013 Posted October 5, 2013 Yep - from same hometown, graduated from the same high school (although some years apart - all four of us, xmom, bw, my husband and me), we were at their wedding, went to church together, vacationed together, went to dinner together, shared pretty much the same circle of friends - then it blew. Some tried to stay neutral and supportive of both sides. I eventually had to cut those off for a period of time for my own sanity. Had two longtime friends (like son to us) who got so upset he chose xom and hasn't spoken to either myself or my husband for nearly 3 years now and my husband did nothing to him) and we even have a niece and nephew that refuse to speak to us. For the most part everything has died down and I am back in a big way - very active, social, directing theater, coaching, etc., and it is really history for most now. But make no mistake, it is extremely hard on friends - they just don't know what to do or say or how to act. But remember mine was a huge scandal where our names were announced in a worship service at church, so it was 100 times larger than it should have been. I was totally shocked and in awe at those who chose to stand by me, love me and support me and those that didn't - it's not always who you think it is. Messy, messy situations in which no one wins. I wish I could turn back time - I truly do.
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