Dumped after six years!

[silentdove]

Im new here! I was in a relationship for the same guy since we were 17/18, me being the oldest. I will say we have went through some real tough times. After a year and half he broke up with me and started partying. Once that died down, he came back. Then the cheating messages began in his phone.

 

He says hes actually never physically cheated . But it hurts all the same. About two years ago he started cleaning up his act. But the trust was already broken. Five months ago he broke up with me because I still never learned to trust him enough to let him go out and do things over night without me. The trust was horrid. The feelings and horrible thoughts I had.

 

Since weve broken up hes come and gone saying he doesn't know what will happen. I will say his behavior became so crazy when we broke up. Drinking all the time. quit his good job. Tried new drugs. A few months before we broke up he gave me the " im young I should be having fun" line. And I wasn't allowing him to do so inside the relationship. He truly did love me.

 

We started talking again about a month ago and it started with "time will only tell with what will happen with us" once again he flipped out weeks later saying he never wants to come back again. That he loves me but isn't in love. I truly recognize my mistakes and have learned to trust and see how he was feeling. Now hes being certain hes never going to fall in love with me again. But he still gives me money when needed, there to help me,talks to me and even spends time with me. And I really don't know if he is over us like hes saying.

 

He still looks at me the same,flirts ect. Hes been crazy about me since day one. Advice? anyone else gone through this.? Should I give up even though he still spends time and cares? whats really going through his mind?

Edited September 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[silentdove]

And it has nothing to do with seeing other girls. He just isn't that person. Hes told me why we broke up. The whole having some sort of freedom thing to do his own thing. And I really see where hes coming from now

[silentdove]

On top of all that... we are still having sex, but its not the have sex and leave type. We still hang out and go and do things...even takes me to his friends with him.

[Amelie1980]

It's been six years. its never going to work. Why did you stay so long?

[Ireallydontknow]

I have nothing nice to say about this. You're being played, go NC and take the blinders off and look at this situation.

[silentdove]

I stayed because the last two years he was honest and cleaned up his act. While I still had trust issues I could not resolve,caused me to keep tabs on him and suffocate him.

[silentdove]

Will NC cause him to go crazy and realize what a fool hes being?

[Ireallydontknow]

NC IS NOT FOR HIM ITS FOR YOU. Quit obsessing about this, it's not healthy. Live your life. He no longer wants you in his as a partner. But as a back burner gal. He wants no accountability right now.

[silentdove]

Hes told me its not the relationship aspect. Its the lack of trust I had once he cleaned him self up and realized what he did. Now ive learned to trust him. After re-evaluating everything and being apart.

[denxnis]

Guys aren't as emotional like you'd think, if you've caught him texting/fliriting like that the odds of him cheating on you in the past are VERY high.

 

He's probably not a huge ******* and you're probably a very nice/pretty girl, unfortunately around this age a lot of guy's are in their "prime" per say and naturally are curious about other woman. This isn't a problem unless he acts on his curiosity...

 

Nothing you say or do can change this and any contact, even smoke signals, will only push him farther away; even if he is the one trying to reach out to you.

 

If you really think this guy is "the one" then I'd suggest talking to him a year from now, although something tells me you'll have widened your perspective and escaped this "tunnel" vision by then.

[silentdove]

Yes very true. All the flirting and wrong text messages are in the past and have been. I was the one that couldn't learn to trust again. And being outside the box now and looking in... I see he was truly honestly doing right by me these past few years. I just wouldn't allow him to go out and do things without me. One night before we broke up he came home drunk crying how strong I am to stick with him through the horrible things hes done. And that he has so much guilt and wishes I could trust him and that he wanted to stay with me. Even through all that I was still having a hard time. Ive noticed his change from the person he used to be. And when we hangout now he still looks at me the same. If im in need of help hes there no questions asked. Paidd for a doctors visit a few days ago without even wanting the money back. and paid the rest of my phone bill plus gas in the car. We had no contact for two months (I know that's not a long time) Even then he had nothing to do with other females. Said all hes done was think about me. He keeps telling me hes lost himself and doesn't know who he is. Sometimes I feel as if this is the side of him wanting to party ..which hes never gotten to do because we have been together since highschool and I wouldn't tolerate it inside the relationship because of the fear of cheating from years ago. I know part of me is saying give it up. let it go. And honestly the feelings are starting to dim because of everything happening. Which is healthy for me incase this doesn't go the other way. We were best friends before we even dated is the sad part of it.

[Amelie1980]

Hes told me its not the relationship aspect. Its the lack of trust I had once he cleaned him self up and realized what he did. Now ive learned to trust him. After re-evaluating everything and being apart.

 

Have you noticed how he was the one who abused your trust constantly but you are blaming yourself for the way things have turned out.

 

It is never going to work. You're 24. Lots of lovely men out there for you.

[silentdove]

Hes admitted to abusing my trust. Its not as if he thinks I had no reason not to trust him. He knows why I didn't trust him. Hes saying after two years of doing nothing but doing what I say and showing hes changed in being faithful he got tired of accusations that were no longer existant

 

and I am in no way shape or form blaming myself. I know it wasn't my fault. If he never did those things he did the trust wouldn't have been broken. Im not one of those girls who will take the blame like a fool.

[Amelie1980]

I'm not actually sure what you're asking us.

 

You're still seeing him and having sex and hanging out. Doesn't sound as if you've broken up.

[silentdove]

That's why im so confused. Because we aren't technically together. We don't cuddle or anything of the sort. But hell spend the day with me even after having sex. Just goofing off, last night he took me to his best friends with him . I thought it would be awkward and I even said this to him because we arnt together. and he just shrugged his shoulders and told me to come and his friend wouldn't mind. (mind you this best friend and I have always gotten along and clicked) But yet he claims hes not IN LOVE but loves me. Maybe this is a natural feeling because of the amount of time being broken up? Im thinkin I should walk away but at the same time hes still seeing me and seems so happy around me. Even flirts and does little things for me...as I said Paid my doc app. and so on without even a fuss and not wanting paid back. This is why im all so confused. I feel as if he just wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants and it has nothing to do with dating others (which also isn't fair to me I know) but at the same time I do not want to get hurt in the end.

 

also while at his friends he kept reminiscing on things me and him used to do,games we would play and so on. And get so excited about it. Im not wondering if this will stir up that in love feeling he had remembering what was so great about the relationship instead of why it fell apart. And sweeping the issues under the rug will only cause us to break up again, so we had a long talk prior to doing nc. And we understood everything we both had to say and had no disagreements whats so ever. It actually went amazing.

Edited September 29, 2013 by silentdove

[melell]

I was with someone for 8 years, since a about the same age as you. Similar things went on except I never hung around afterwards.

I can tell you without much doubt that the problem here is power. You have none, you have catered to all of his needs, and now you have taken on board your 'trust issues' as a main reason for your breakup. But you having trust issues stemmed from somewhere else, maybe him talking to other girls, maybe having been with him your whole adult life and scared of what might happen- who knows, but it isn't the sole reason for the break up.

You need to take him off the pedestal and look at him for what he is. His impression of you is what it is because you have given him so much power. It isn't worth it.

NC probably wont change his impression of you at all, you have spent several years letting him know you will be there whenever he wants, a few months of NC won't undo that.

 

My advice, move on, let go. You want to have an adult relationship that is as close to equal as possible don't you?

It sounds like your ex has a lot of growing up to do, and you letting this continue is just allowing him to keep going the way he is.

 

Maybe he will change, maybe he won't, but it is pretty unlikely that he will work on making a better relationship with you, it is more likely that he will start fresh with someone else when he has matured a bit.

 

I know it sucks, but people completely underestimate what it takes to 'fix' a relationship- both people really really really need to want to. The fact that you have been together for a long time makes very little difference.

[silentdove]

His old cheating ways were what caused the trust issues and the break up. Like I said, he did Clean up and stop the nonsense. He caused me not to trust him and to continuously think he was going to do it again even after 2 years of being completely faithful. Which basically then turned into fights about him doing things without me because of earlier infidelities that hes caused. He basically gave up trying to make me see that he was done doing me wrong. Its not my fault I acted that way. Stepped out of the box and saw he was truly honest this whole time and I couldn't trust him. Now that I do see he was doing right the trust is there again, im just sure hes given up. But at the same time, hes still seeing me and helping me with whatever I need. A part of me wants to just break contact. The other part of me feels that hes realizing ive finally forgave him for all of his mistakes from earlier on in the relationship. Relationships cant move forward without forgiving the past mistake of the other. We were basically stuck in one spot. and once again it wasn't my fault for it.

[melell]

So he gets tired of you not trusting him, and decides to message other people, and then he breaks up with you. Tell me, how is that him caring about you and your relationship enough to fix things?

[silentdove]

Noooo!!! he hasn't been messaging other people. The messages were from years ago which is why I didn't trust him. Right now hes not seeing anyone and hasn't.

[melell]

You may have changed your perspective a bit here, but has your emotional response to things changed?

 

How would you feel if he was going away for a weekend with his friends to get really intoxicated and there were going to be lots of pretty girls there that think he is attractive?

 

Would you feel comfortable, and trust him in that situation? Or would you be a mess the entire weekend?

[silentdove]

As we have started talking again he has gone away for the weekend with his friends to party. And I didn't worry one bit. He actually talked to me a lot throughout the weekend and I felt fine.

[melell]

So the issue is completely resolved. He loves you, talks to you all the time. He has resolved his own issues, and there is no problem.

 

You are just waiting for him to realize all of this?

[silentdove]

Im not sure what hes doing? It seems to me hes afraid that ill start acting that way again . That hes afraid the relationship will fail because of it again. And then came the other excuse of not being IN LOVE but he loves me. So I asked him what it feels like..and he said..i don't see us as one but two people...which isn't healthy anyways to see two as one..you have to have your own lives and be your own person. So I told him maybe you don't know how your feeling because weve been apart for a half of year basically. This is basically why im sticking around right now. Because I honestly don't think he knows what hes feeling,and that it may be the fear itself of the fights. There cant be any fights if the issue is resolved though.

[melell]

I really hope he figures it out soon.

Please know though, that you are waiting for him right now, and that is not a healthy thing to do. In some ways it is emotional suicide. I can see how it won't be so bad if he never reciprocates because you have had enough time apart to ease the blow.

 

BUT waiting for someone to realize how they feel is getting in the way of your chances of moving on and being open to someone else.

 

In all honesty, I think you need to stop talking to him, break all ties, and if he really does love you he will come and find you and ask you to take him back. It is that simple.

 

If you really don't want to do that, then you need to make it strictly friends, nothing romantic no sex, no flirting. UNTIL he wants to commit to more.

 

The way it is right now just really isn't fair on you, you are worth more than that.

[silentdove]

The whole just strictly friends thing is what Ive been starting to think about doing. Because it really isn't fair to me. He obviously still does care about. People just don't go handing over money to pay expensive dr. visits and phone bills and what not, and people don't usually stay in contact with exes like that. Itll probably be healthier for me to break everything but the friendship and start lookin at it as over.

 

and yes your right. The pain has subsided for me basically. Its still there but when I think of it ending the way I wouldn't like it too it isn't bad like the first initial blow.