Depressed ex boyfriend dumped me after 6 years and is now sleeping with her

[Janni]

I dont know where to begin.

 

I was with my boyfriend for 6 years and I love him more than anything in the world. He means so much to me. He's the one and only guy I've slept with and we've been together since I was 16. He's a few years older than me.

 

We moved in together in june and one month later he tells me he's depressed and wants to end things. There is nothing I can do.

 

I am devastated and go to stay at my moms. Over the next month I try not to contact him, but he contacts me almost once a day, to which I respond.

He's sending mixed signals - Wants to divide our stuff, but also flirting with me.

 

After a month we start sexting and he seems very affectionate. Then suddenly he tells me he wants me to move back in and that he loves me. I'm the love of his live, his dreamlife is with me and that he believes we'll get engaged in the future.

 

I am not sure, because I am afraid he'll do it again. So I give him the benefit of the doubt - We start working on our relationship, but we are not back together. This goes on for a week, maybe two, when I tell him I'm ready to get back together. He says he thinks we should go slow and not be back together yet. I don't understand, but I accept.

 

We meet up once a week, cuddle, kiss and have sex. Everything is amazing. The sex is fantastic and one thing I notice in particular, is that he looks at me the way he used to look at me in the beginning of our relationship.

 

I keep nagging him from time to time about getting back together. Because it hurts me very much. We talk about it and in general we're really good together. This goes on for three weeks.

 

One friday I sleep in our apartment - He's living there, but is spending the night at his dad's. I text him goodnight and tell him I still love him. He tells me he still loves me too and sends me kisses and so on.

Sunday morning I wake up to a missed call and a text from him. He thought I was still at the apartment and had rushed home early sunday morning, hoping I was still sleeping and that he could cuddle with me in bed. Unfortunately I wasnt in the apartment and he tells me he got quite sad, because he wanted to see me. The rest of the day he begs me to come over, so we can cuddle and have a nice sunday together, but I've got plans and I dont want to be available for him whenever he wants me to.

 

We meet up monday instead. Have amazing sex, kiss, watch a move naked under the duvet, holding hands. Everything is great. I want to tell you, that he is not a guy, having sex without emotions. Sex is very intimate and emotional to him. It's the way he expressed his love the most. He shows love through actions. He's told me, throughout our relationship, that he could never have a one night stand, because it's so emotional to him.

 

Wednesday I go to the apartment to pick something up. I know he's moving these days, as the apartment is terminated from the following monday. What I hadn't expected was to find the apartment with the door wide open and a girl waiting for him. I immediately knows this is his female colleague. I've never liked her, because I've felt something was wrong. Especially that she was coming on to him.

 

While I am going into the apartment I am on the phone with my ex. He's told me he's not sure he even wants me at all. He doesn't know if he wants me or not. He's confused. So I am crying as I see his colleague. I then ask him what she's doing there, after I've left. She's just helping. Just a friend. She was the only one who had the time today.

I keep at it and he gets angry with me. Says it's annoying and uncomfortable that I dont trust him. So I believe him and stop it.

 

When I get home, my mom tells me something. She is working with a girl, who's dating my ex's best friend. She told me mom, that my ex had brought this girl to his best friends birthday party a month ago (around the time he was confessing his love to me) So I call him back up.

 

I tell him what I've heard and ask him about it. He keeps denying it. But finally confesses that they are flirting. Innocently! .. Well. As I keep asking, he tells me they've also kissed a few times and when I ask him if he wants it to develop into something more, he says yes maybe.

 

I am shocked. This is not the guy I know. He's been flirting with her and kissing her, while kissing me and having intimate sex with me. Well. It ends with him saying "I dont want a relationship with you. Is that what you want me to say?" I tell him he should only say what he feels and means. And he repeats. He doesnt want me. So I tell him to take care and hang up.

 

Five days of NC and then I get a text from him. He says he doesn't know why he's texting me, that I probably think he's a jerk and so does he and he's sorry.

I text him back, stating that he might feel horrible and depressed, but he still lied to me and went behind my back. Let me believe we were rebuilding our relationship while flirting with her. Betraying me.

He says that he knows and he regrets it so much. That he's so sorry and he thinks he did it to push me away, to protect me from his depression and how bad he's feeling. That he wishes he could take it all back.

I tell him, he's still with her. He still doesnt want me. So why did he even contact me? To which he says he doesn't know. That he misses me. But that he wont contact me again and he's sorry.

I need some concrete yes/no to know if he's still with her. I end up calling him. We talk for three hours about everything. I make him tell me, that she started the flirting. That after I went NC, she seduced him and they've now had sex three times and she's given him a blowjob too. He also tells me, and I did not ask, that sex with me is much better than with her. That he thinks he's falling in love with her. He says nothing in his life makes sense. That he doesn't know what to do or whats going on, but that he has to stick with his choice now.

 

I told him I'd pick up my leather stool, he'd taken from the apartment when moving, tomorrow.

 

When I pick it up, he comes down with it, instead of letting me come up to his apartment. I feel suspecious, but he says it was easier. He seems cold and like he doesnt care about any of this. When I says goodbye, I hope you have a nice life, he just says "byebye" like he used to when we were together.

 

I went NC again after this. It's been three days. I am horrible. I can't stop crying. Thinking about him with her. This hurts so much I can't even believe it's really happening. My bf, now ex, would never ever do this. It's so out of character. I really dont know what to do. Does this sound like a rebound? How do I cope? Does he still love me? Thoughts are running through my head.. Help me.. He was my best friend and I his. I can't believe he's done this to me. That he had sex with me one day and four days later, he has sex with her. I can't believe it.

 

I would kindly ask, that you do not post about how much of an a** he's been/being. That just makes me feel worse, because I love him and I think he's amazing. I hoped/thought we'd get married and stay together forever.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Janni

[Mariposa10]

I know how you feel when you say "he's out of character," That's how I used to feel about my ex. The line I got was "the only reason we (my ex and I) don't have a relationship is because of this girl (girl he had just met).

 

Stop thinking this is unique, because that only prolongs the denial. People do this, I remember how someone posted that dumpers change, and it makes sense, it feels as if they are a new person.

 

I know you're hurting but this is all very new, it's ok to cry and feel sad at first. But after all maybe you dodged the bullet. What he did to you was pure cruelty. Imagine if this had happened when you two had been married? That would've been worse. You are still so young, with many things ahead of you.

 

Things do get better!!!

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you are hurting but what your bf has been doing is enjoying 'playing the field'. He has been lying to you and cheating behind your back. I know you don't want us to say anything bad about him but the truth is he is a liar and cheat. Since he has said he's in love with this other girl there is nothing you can do but continue NC and try to heal. It is okay to cry and grieve for a while but you have to pick yourself up and move forward at some point. NC should help you. Do not fall back into bed with him no matter what he says. If you do he will continue to have sex with you and his present gf at the same time. You have to develop a very hard line with him after all of this betrayal. (((HUGS))).

[Janni]

So.. I am still hurting a lot. Trying to go to school and tomorrow will be my first day back at my job. I have a constant pain in my stomach. When I wake up, the first thing I remember is that he's with her. I don't know if he's tried contacting me - I've blocked his number on my phone and deleted him off facebook. I doubt he has tried anyway. I feel like he's forgotten all about me.

Yesterday I got our deposit back for our apartment. I calculated what he owed me and transferred the rest to him. I feel so alone. I am still staying at my moms - too afraid to stay alone in my apartment. I get anxious every time I go to the city. What if he's there? What if he's with her?

Multiple times a day, a thought hits me. I hate my life. I truly hate my life. I am alone. My life is nothing like I wanted it to be. And he is out there, living his life, as if I never existed.

No matter what I do, the pain never goes away. Maybe for a couple of minutes, because something distracts me. But it's back full force as soon as I am done with whatever it was. When I read, watch tv or anything else, I keep thinking of him. I try to stop. To forget him. Think of something else. It does not help. I feel like I am going insane. Like I am slowly falling a part. Turning into ashes.

[Salvatore85]

Please take it from a guy, we are not wired to only want sex for emotional reasons. That's just not how guys are, I'm sorry.

 

You really sound like an awesome girlfriend and you shouldn't be going through this. You should probably take time for yourself and possibly move on although I completely understand why it's going to be hard for you. The NC thing is what is going to work best for you because he's going to try and sleep with you again I'm sure but it's up to you to decide whether or not you're worth more than that...

 

Good luck, I Wish you the best!

[kirauzumaki]

Please relax. I know what you are going through is hard but understand that he was using you. If you truly love someone you do not get seduced or find a rebound that quickly you also do not have sex with another person. He is a lair and a cheater and you deserve a lot better. My girlfriend just broke up with me after being together 2 years. We are both 19. One of the reasons we broke up is because i had depression so i wasn't good with communication. Still i knew my depression was a problem so i went to see help not sleep with another person. He is probably confused about what he wants in his life but he definitely does not care about you or your feelings.

[Fufu]

If I put it across very blindly, he just keeping you for "fun times"

and here you are pondering whether does he mean real of working the relationship "slowly"?

 

Everything is great. I want to tell you, that he is not a guy, having sex without emotions. Sex is very intimate and emotional to him. It's the way he expressed his love the most. He shows love through actions. He's told me, throughout our relationship, that he could never have a one night stand, because it's so emotional to him.

 

I'm sorry to tell you hun, if that is what you said. Why did he end things with you in the beginning, then keep you in his circle but yet not giving you any proper/committed status? So what are you to him now?

 

tell him what I've heard and ask him about it. He keeps denying it. But finally confesses that they are flirting. Innocently! .. Well. As I keep asking, he tells me they've also kissed a few times and when I ask him if he wants it to develop into something more, he says yes maybe.

 

And here's the cold hard truth he had given you.

 

 

Both of you were together for 6 years and perhaps at the initial stage he did love you and put in efforts to be with you. But relationship is not about reliving the past over and over again. It's about present of how/what your partner contributes to make the relationship work together with you.

 

So now you have seen his "truth", it can be hurtful. But I can tell you when you have recovered, this "truth" will be the best thing that ever happened to you. Why? Because you are going to be so glad that you leave a man (jerk) who doesn't love you real like what a real man will love his woman. Rejoice, please continue with NC and begin your self-healing.

 

because I love him and I think he's amazing. I hoped/thought we'd get married and stay together forever.

If he loves you, he won't put you in this miserable state.

 

Trust me, you will do much better without him.

Edited October 13, 2013 by Fufu

[Janni]

I know. I know. I know. I know. But it's so hurtful. Everything since the BU seems to be a nightmare. It's so out of character. I can't believe it. He is so not himself. Or maybe he has been living a lie for the past 6 years. I feel betrayed. I feel like I was cheated into spending 6 years of my life on BS. Six years I will never ever get back and now I dont even know if anything was true. If anything he ever said or did can be trusted. If his behavior now is who he really is, that means he's been unfaithful throughout our relationship. Maybe not physically, but emotionally. He must have been flirting with so many girls. Keeping me for safety. Comfort. None of it makes sense to me. I don't know what to do or how to go on.

[Criticality]

Did he ever get treated for his depression? Sometimes antidepressants can bounce the person the other way, making them manic. that can manifest in being hyper sexual, having more than one partner etc.

 

Could be what happened here...

[Janni]

Did he ever get treated for his depression? Sometimes antidepressants can bounce the person the other way, making them manic. that can manifest in being hyper sexual, having more than one partner etc.

 

Could be what happened here...

 

No, he didn't. But I have suspected him of being BP rather than depressed only. He had mood swings and would chance his mind often. Sometimes being manic or hyper and then becoming depressed.

[JustaRegularGuyZ]

Do you really want him in your life? He is not a man for what he has done. He is damaged both emotionally and mentally. You shouldn't have a guy who you have to baby and give him love. He will run back to you once his rebound relationship ends, once he has no one to have sex with, you will be the first one he'll call up because he knows you have feelings for him. I doubt he feels bad, feels to me he feels so much lighter now, he doesn't care.

I know its messed up that he had sex with another few days after the breakup, but keep in mind, after the breakup you two are done and there is nothing you can do to stop them from doing what they want. It is their choice. Your choice is not to take him back and forget him completely, delete his number / email / erase him from your life. He has probably had a relationship with that girl prior, he probably had something going on with her, felt really bad and went back to you but he couldn't open up. He made his choice, you just have to move on. It blows, you want to do something, change things, but you can't.

[Janni]

Do you really want him in your life? He is not a man for what he has done. He is damaged both emotionally and mentally. You shouldn't have a guy who you have to baby and give him love. He will run back to you once his rebound relationship ends, once he has no one to have sex with, you will be the first one he'll call up because he knows you have feelings for him. I doubt he feels bad, feels to me he feels so much lighter now, he doesn't care.

I know its messed up that he had sex with another few days after the breakup, but keep in mind, after the breakup you two are done and there is nothing you can do to stop them from doing what they want. It is their choice. Your choice is not to take him back and forget him completely, delete his number / email / erase him from your life. He has probably had a relationship with that girl prior, he probably had something going on with her, felt really bad and went back to you but he couldn't open up. He made his choice, you just have to move on. It blows, you want to do something, change things, but you can't.

 

No, I don't want him in my life. That's practically the only thing I am sure of. I am done with him. I am sure he believes I will always be there, whenever he decides to come back. Somehow I want to check my messages (the blocked list) to see if he's texted or called me. Just so I can feel schadenfreude. (It's such a shame this word doesn't exist in english!) Just so I can ignore him even more and feel good about my decision.

 

Anyway, he didn't have a thing with her before - We were together 6 years. They met only 6 months ago. But he did have something going on at least a month before I found out. I believe she had a thing for him even before the BU. Her actions towards him, inviting him on a roadtrip and stuff, just doesn't seem right. But it doesn't matter now.

 

I try to remember all the bad things about him and think about how she can have them. Like, the sex wasn't even that good. I don't think I have ever honestly had a real orgasm with him. Which is sad. Even after 6 years he would still mistake different parts for others. (Trying not to go into details) I just romanticized it. And well, I don't have anyone to compare to, so that might be another reason why I've always tried to think it was good. She'll also be getting his indecision, his temper, his need for approval and his bad hurtful sexist jokes. Lucky her.

 

I just remembered (Maybe I've mentioned it, if so, sorry) he told me the day before I started NC, that sex with her wasn't as good as with me. Might have been a lie, but I doubt it. Anyway, it really makes me happy. I'll leave him to his own devices. Ha. Bad sex, depressed gf who's thinking about getting back together with her ex, depression himself, straight out of a 6 year live-in relationship. Wow. Is that a receipt for disaster?

[Veryconfused12345]

Hi Janni,

 

I don't usually respond on here but I have to say, your post has really struck a cord with me as I have experienced something quite similar and might have some insight/advice for you.

 

First of all, I know how incredibly difficult and gut-wrenching this is. I lost my ex-fiance around this time under very similar circumstances (he had a history of depression and left me about this time two years ago to be sleeping with a fellow phd student but would message me sending me mixed signals.) I know how completely alone and heart breaking it is to still be in love with someone who's acting so incredibly out of character. I spent weeks crying, frantically checking the phone every time I heard it go off, scouring facebook for signs of him. I would wake up in tears and cold sweats with the thought of him and the other girl and feel like I couldn't breath. I never thought I'd recover or move past it.

 

The fact that your boyfriend is deeply depressed means he's looking for any external source of comfort that will in his head "snap him out of it." He's in denial of the fact that he needs to address some concrete problems in his own personal life (ie the sense of grounding and purpose and contentment that everyone needs to cultivate regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not.) He's grasping at straws and assumes that by putting you at arms length and substituting the external influences in his life (aka his girlfriend) he'll somehow unlock that magic box of happiness. What will happen, and I'm pretty confident about this as its exactly what happened with my fiance, is you'll probably not hear from him in the first few weeks (which I know is horrible to hear) as he tries to convince himself of his decisions. Then as he realises not only has the depression not disappeared but to add to it, he's treated someone he loves terribly, he'll probably shut down even further. I hate to tell you this but you're not going to hear what you need to hear from him for quite some time. I know its a small consolation at the moment but you're going to eventually become the "one who got away" as this girl is clearly not respecting boundaries and that never bodes well for the future happiness of a couple.

 

I think this sounds like two desperate people coming together to try to unload their depression on one another. Listen, I know I know I know how awful this is right now. I was exactly in your place two years ago and couldn't even fathom how I'd ever recover or even function like a person. I was paralysed with fear. But it sounds like you're an incredibly strong, sweet-natured person who handled the situation perfectly and has a really good support network.

 

When the man you're supposed to spend your life with eventually comes around as he will, you're going to be relieved that someone with these serious problems is no longer in your life. If he can't even handle your emotion's kindly while in his early to mid-20s, I have no faith in his ability to deal with the REAL obstacles that come up in life. My mom got cancer a year ago and my new boyfriend has stuck by my side throughout. He's propped me up and been the strong one when I've needed him to be and I can't tell you how relieved I am not to be with my ex-fiance. It showed me that when things happen as they will inevitably do as you get older, you need someone who doesn't stay in your life only when "convenient for him." And you certainly don't want to build a life with someone who's not managing his depression well and takes it out on you.

 

My ex fiance came back to me a year ago to tell me he regretted everything and wanted to undo it but the depression had paralysed him with fear. At that point, I didn't feel love or relief, just pity. I know it's going to take some time for you but I promise you that that will eventually happen and you too can come back to this site knowing that you've made it through the hardest part xxxx

[Janni]

Hi Janni,

 

I don't usually respond on here but I have to say, your post has really struck a cord with me as I have experienced something quite similar and might have some insight/advice for you.

 

First of all, I know how incredibly difficult and gut-wrenching this is. I lost my ex-fiance around this time under very similar circumstances (he had a history of depression and left me about this time two years ago to be sleeping with a fellow phd student but would message me sending me mixed signals.) I know how completely alone and heart breaking it is to still be in love with someone who's acting so incredibly out of character. I spent weeks crying, frantically checking the phone every time I heard it go off, scouring facebook for signs of him. I would wake up in tears and cold sweats with the thought of him and the other girl and feel like I couldn't breath. I never thought I'd recover or move past it.

 

The fact that your boyfriend is deeply depressed means he's looking for any external source of comfort that will in his head "snap him out of it." He's in denial of the fact that he needs to address some concrete problems in his own personal life (ie the sense of grounding and purpose and contentment that everyone needs to cultivate regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not.) He's grasping at straws and assumes that by putting you at arms length and substituting the external influences in his life (aka his girlfriend) he'll somehow unlock that magic box of happiness. What will happen, and I'm pretty confident about this as its exactly what happened with my fiance, is you'll probably not hear from him in the first few weeks (which I know is horrible to hear) as he tries to convince himself of his decisions. Then as he realises not only has the depression not disappeared but to add to it, he's treated someone he loves terribly, he'll probably shut down even further. I hate to tell you this but you're not going to hear what you need to hear from him for quite some time. I know its a small consolation at the moment but you're going to eventually become the "one who got away" as this girl is clearly not respecting boundaries and that never bodes well for the future happiness of a couple.

 

I think this sounds like two desperate people coming together to try to unload their depression on one another. Listen, I know I know I know how awful this is right now. I was exactly in your place two years ago and couldn't even fathom how I'd ever recover or even function like a person. I was paralysed with fear. But it sounds like you're an incredibly strong, sweet-natured person who handled the situation perfectly and has a really good support network.

 

When the man you're supposed to spend your life with eventually comes around as he will, you're going to be relieved that someone with these serious problems is no longer in your life. If he can't even handle your emotion's kindly while in his early to mid-20s, I have no faith in his ability to deal with the REAL obstacles that come up in life. My mom got cancer a year ago and my new boyfriend has stuck by my side throughout. He's propped me up and been the strong one when I've needed him to be and I can't tell you how relieved I am not to be with my ex-fiance. It showed me that when things happen as they will inevitably do as you get older, you need someone who doesn't stay in your life only when "convenient for him." And you certainly don't want to build a life with someone who's not managing his depression well and takes it out on you.

 

My ex fiance came back to me a year ago to tell me he regretted everything and wanted to undo it but the depression had paralysed him with fear. At that point, I didn't feel love or relief, just pity. I know it's going to take some time for you but I promise you that that will eventually happen and you too can come back to this site knowing that you've made it through the hardest part xxxx

 

I am so thankful for your reply. It means so much to me and it gives me hope. This is exactly what I have been thinking and feeling all along. It is so easy to relate to what you are telling me here and it gives me a sense of peace.

 

I do feel I am past the "I hope he'll come back"-stage. I know he is no good for me when he's acted this way, even if his depression is the cause. Depression doesn't mean you can't control your actions, so there is no excuse.

 

Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I am even considering printing your response to have it with me when things gets tough.

 

Finally, I would like to express how happy I am for you, that you've got someone to support you through this time. I wish the best for you and for your mom. I truly hope and wish she gets through this.

 

The best of wishes.

[Veryconfused12345]

Aw Janni, I'm so glad that my response helped a bit. To be honest, you're lightyears ahead of where I was after the breakup. And by all means, print this out and carry it with you if it helps! I had a few people on this forum write messages that really calmed me down and I even printed them off and kept them in my pocket when I was travelling for work - it was like my protection against panic attacks!

 

I'm happy to weigh in on this in the future if you find yourself having a little wobble. I'm just a few years older from you from the sounds of it but from my experience, when you start thinking about a future with someone - children, mortgage, or how you're going to make your dreams of travelling the world or pursuing your dream job, etc you want someone you can depend on. Sounds like you've spent enough time being "the strong one." You'll see the difference when you're with someone who you can feel safe with, it's the very least you reserve.

 

Hang in there, you're doing really great so far xxx

[Janni]

Aw Janni, I'm so glad that my response helped a bit. To be honest, you're lightyears ahead of where I was after the breakup. And by all means, print this out and carry it with you if it helps! I had a few people on this forum write messages that really calmed me down and I even printed them off and kept them in my pocket when I was travelling for work - it was like my protection against panic attacks!

 

I'm happy to weigh in on this in the future if you find yourself having a little wobble. I'm just a few years older from you from the sounds of it but from my experience, when you start thinking about a future with someone - children, mortgage, or how you're going to make your dreams of travelling the world or pursuing your dream job, etc you want someone you can depend on. Sounds like you've spent enough time being "the strong one." You'll see the difference when you're with someone who you can feel safe with, it's the very least you reserve.

 

Hang in there, you're doing really great so far xxx

 

I know this might sound strange, but I just read your posts from your year of moving on. I thought it might help me, since you described your situation to be so similar to mine. And it did. I almost see it as my future - The way I will move on and what I can expect or hope for. Which is comforting, since the future I planned has been shattered to pieces. You know.

 

I am so sorry for what you went through and I can relate 100%. It is awful and it truly breaks my heart to know you had to go through that. But I am happy, that you are "on the other side." It gives me hope too. I agree with you, from what I have read, I am doing quite well at this point. Though it is very up and down at the moment. Some days I feel numb, while others I can't stop crying.

 

One thing I believe has helped me is that I am seeing a therapist and she's made me realize that it is alright to be sad. I have every right to feel sad and I am not forced to go to work or class if I feel too sad. It is my decision and I am the most important person in my life. She repeated this to me and really forced it in my head - If I end up having to postpone my BA because I need time in bed crying my eyes out, then that's what I have to do. Because I am the most important person in my life. As long as I am not ready to go out or whatever, it won't help me to do it anyway.

 

I almost feel like every post from you is a virtual hug. You sound so caring and protective towards me, it brings tears to my eyes. (In a good way!)

 

I would love to know more about what you did to move on and what helped you the most. - Going out, reading, crying etc. As right now I try to do stuff, but I feel kinda at a loss, not knowing what will help me and what won't.

[Veryconfused12345]

I actually really recommend you go through my earlier posts because it probably sums up better than anything I write now, just the sheer level of anxiety and constant sadness I experienced for so long. That kind of sense of situational depression actually physically hurts and you can feel it in your back and shoulders. I used to look forward to sleep as it was the one part of the day that didn't force me to continuously think through what had happened and dissect everything I said or didn't say to cause the breakup. What's more, I don't know whether you're in the US or UK but either way, this time of year can exacerbate these feelings as the sun sets so early and it can feel very desolate coming home at the end of the day. I used to have full blown anxiety attacks when I'd walk in to my house at night with the sun setting at 5 pm.

 

And yes, it totally rocks your world to feel like the comfort you had in another person to go through life with is gone. Because as I've learned quite quickly as a young adult, life is freakin scary and really hard sometimes. Sometimes, having someone there, even if its not the right person, can be a comfort that makes you feel like you're not alone. The best analogy I've ever heard is coming out of a long-term relationship is like stepping out of a warm shower in to a freezing cold room. All you want to do is jump right back in and feel that comfort again. But with the wrong person, you're just staving off the inevitable. I'm not saying being single is awesome because I'm a total relationship person but it's the only time in my life that I've been really forced to grow through necessity and its pushed me closer to the life I want for myself.

 

I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist - I only broke down and went to one about 3 months following the relationship and I wish I had gone sooner. Its a nice goal to focus on for the week as sort of an emotional spot check of where you are. She's absolutely right - you have every right to feel sad and be down (and unlike your boyfriends case, I don't like using the word depressed in this situation as it implies you're in a constant state of being.) You might be situationally depressed but you're going to come out the other side. But the only way to do that is really acknowledge and dig to the depths of those unpleasant feelings you're experiencing. Listen, even if you spend the next 6 months bawling your eyes out (which I have a feeling from your progress so far you won't be doing) that is your right and is very healthy. You're grieving the loss of someone and you NEED to go through this to come out the other side. I have no doubt you'll get a BA, get yourself out of this, and be a huge success in life. This is just a tiny snapshot in your life that frankly sucks. But it won't be forever.

 

You know, its important to remember that if there was a case where you lost the absolute love of your life who was a decent kind man due to something terrible outside your or his control, that would be an absolute tragedy. But to lose someone because they were clearly troubled and self-sabatoging themselves? Well that's a lucky escape.

 

At times in the past year, when my new boyfriend has cuddled me when I've been vulnerable, sat outside the hospital with me waiting for my mom to get out of surgery, or cooked me a wonderful meal when I've come from a long day I get this surge of contentment knowing that I couldn't have dreamed of a better situation when I was in the depths of mourning the loss of my fiance. I still wonder how I would have coped in sharing a life with someone who ranged between moody resentfulness and deep depression. Those kinds of partners will invariably turn everything you do around so that you're responsible for their happiness. And you need to focus on your own goals and happiness with someone who supports you, not resents you.

 

As for what I did to move on, while there isn't a specific set of commandments to follow to get to the other side, there are a few things that really helped me.

 

1) I kept a journal every day, sometimes once in the morning and once at night. At first I used it to wallow but little by little small mantras and reminders came out. If a friend told me something that offered even the littlest bit of comfort, I would jot it down - it became almost like my safety net on my worst days.

 

2) I would break the day in to small pleasures I actually enjoyed. People would say "go do something you love' but honestly I didn't really want to be around people that much. I would work towards little things like a nice cup of coffee or a cookie I really liked. It got me through the days.

 

3) I scheduled three low key social meetups a week - nothing major and usually a few hours at most. It felt like a chore and I couldn't wait to get home, but it was really important for the recovery process

 

4) A cool trick my friend taught me. Write down the top 15 traits you want in a partner. They can be anything - appearance, hobbies, career, characteristics (ie gentle, supportive, etc). Now of those pick the top ten you're not willing to compromise on. Now of those ten, how many did your ex actually fulfil? I was really surprised by the result.

 

5) Make a list of everything your ex did that made you unhappy. Tape it to your wall or keep it on your phone, anything where you can look at it every day. In the same way you would study for a test, study that list and remind yourself why this was NOT your "soul mate"

 

6) Even if you don't feel up to pursuing your BA, etc right now, start thinking seriously about what YOU want out of life. Is your dream to do a phd? To own a coffee shop? To become a politician? It doesn't matter how lofty it is, just start working backwards on how to obtain it - show your ex what he's missing!

 

7) Exercise - I hate it but I almost felt like I was punishing the depressive thoughts when I spent a few hours working out at the gym.

 

8) Not now, and not anytime soon, but when ready, maybe go on some dates - even online dating. Now here's the important part - the first few dates will be AWFUL! You'll compare every guy you meet to your ex and feel there's no one else who compares. That's not the point. The point is to get some practice in meeting new people. You'll recognise that after a while, its not so scary and it will hopefully give you confidence.

 

9) Finally, don't forget, you have every right to take as long as you want to feel down. But the best advice I can give is once you're done feeling sad, rally, recover and then show your ex just exactly why you're the one who got away.

 

xxxx

[Janni]

I actually really recommend you go through my earlier posts because it probably sums up better than anything I write now, just the sheer level of anxiety and constant sadness I experienced for so long. That kind of sense of situational depression actually physically hurts and you can feel it in your back and shoulders. I used to look forward to sleep as it was the one part of the day that didn't force me to continuously think through what had happened and dissect everything I said or didn't say to cause the breakup. What's more, I don't know whether you're in the US or UK but either way, this time of year can exacerbate these feelings as the sun sets so early and it can feel very desolate coming home at the end of the day. I used to have full blown anxiety attacks when I'd walk in to my house at night with the sun setting at 5 pm.

 

I could feel the anxiety and desperation from your post and I must say, it really hurt me to know you've been through that. I am so so sorry you had to go through such ordeal. Compared to that, I almost feel like I have it easy. Though, I dread having to go to bed, because I keep dreaming of him. And because whenever I wake up I feel depressed, sad, anxious and without any motivation to even get out of bed. It's the most awful feeling.

 

And yes, it totally rocks your world to feel like the comfort you had in another person to go through life with is gone. Because as I've learned quite quickly as a young adult, life is freakin scary and really hard sometimes. Sometimes, having someone there, even if its not the right person, can be a comfort that makes you feel like you're not alone. The best analogy I've ever heard is coming out of a long-term relationship is like stepping out of a warm shower in to a freezing cold room. All you want to do is jump right back in and feel that comfort again. But with the wrong person, you're just staving off the inevitable. I'm not saying being single is awesome because I'm a total relationship person but it's the only time in my life that I've been really forced to grow through necessity and its pushed me closer to the life I want for myself.

 

I am so with you here. I hate being single. I hate going through this and knowing he's with someone else. It's awful. But I do feel like I can take my time to become me. To grow and become that strong woman I used to be - But without having to have someone as support. Being strong all on my own.

It sucks. But I am sure I will be happy I went through this, when I am on the other side.

 

Just yesterday I modeled as a hair model (I've done this a few times) and something actually made me glad to be single. I went with a friend of mine, who's in a longterm relationship and she told me, how her boyfriend had banned her from having her hair died red. He would not accept that. And all I could think was that no man should be allowed to have such power over you. When we went home, she got a call. Someone asking her if they could meet up some specific day. Again she had to ask her boyfriend if they had plans or if she could go.

 

I'm so glad you're seeing a therapist - I only broke down and went to one about 3 months following the relationship and I wish I had gone sooner. Its a nice goal to focus on for the week as sort of an emotional spot check of where you are. She's absolutely right - you have every right to feel sad and be down (and unlike your boyfriends case, I don't like using the word depressed in this situation as it implies you're in a constant state of being.) You might be situationally depressed but you're going to come out the other side. But the only way to do that is really acknowledge and dig to the depths of those unpleasant feelings you're experiencing. Listen, even if you spend the next 6 months bawling your eyes out (which I have a feeling from your progress so far you won't be doing) that is your right and is very healthy. You're grieving the loss of someone and you NEED to go through this to come out the other side. I have no doubt you'll get a BA, get yourself out of this, and be a huge success in life. This is just a tiny snapshot in your life that frankly sucks. But it won't be forever.

 

Thank you. It makes me feel all warm inside, that someone I don't even know can be this affectionate towards me and believe in me so strongly. It means a great deal to me.

 

Unfortunately my therapist is very busy, so it's been three weeks since I last saw her and I just got a text saying our appointment tomorrow has been cancelled due to illness. So I probably won't be able to get an appointment for another two-three weeks.

 

You know, its important to remember that if there was a case where you lost the absolute love of your life who was a decent kind man due to something terrible outside your or his control, that would be an absolute tragedy. But to lose someone because they were clearly troubled and self-sabatoging themselves? Well that's a lucky escape.

 

I guess you're right. But it isn't easy seeing it that way when you are in the middle of it.

 

At times in the past year, when my new boyfriend has cuddled me when I've been vulnerable, sat outside the hospital with me waiting for my mom to get out of surgery, or cooked me a wonderful meal when I've come from a long day I get this surge of contentment knowing that I couldn't have dreamed of a better situation when I was in the depths of mourning the loss of my fiance. I still wonder how I would have coped in sharing a life with someone who ranged between moody resentfulness and deep depression. Those kinds of partners will invariably turn everything you do around so that you're responsible for their happiness. And you need to focus on your own goals and happiness with someone who supports you, not resents you.

 

Yes. You are right. Though it is difficult to believe someone like that is really out there. I have tried being positive and counter-thinking my thoughts, one could say. Meaning, when we broke up I felt the clock ticking. Oh my God, I am 22. I will never get married and never have kids and so on. Feeling like I had passed my only chance of happiness. But then I started seeing people around me and realized, I don't have to get married until I'm 30 and then I will still be able to get the life I want. - I want to be a mom at a fairly young age. My mom was 23 and my dad 25 when they had me and I have loved them for it. It's been so great to have fairly young parents. So my new "goal" is to have someone special when I'm 30. And that gives me plenty of time to find myself and then find someone special. I hope. (Sometimes the clock is ticking anyway and I get anxious that maybe I will never find anyone.)

 

As for what I did to move on, while there isn't a specific set of commandments to follow to get to the other side, there are a few things that really helped me.

 

1) I kept a journal every day, sometimes once in the morning and once at night. At first I used it to wallow but little by little small mantras and reminders came out. If a friend told me something that offered even the littlest bit of comfort, I would jot it down - it became almost like my safety net on my worst days.

 

I just started doing that. Though it's an online blog. But it does help. Especially since my brain is so much more rational than my heart, and it's in control when I write.

 

2) I would break the day in to small pleasures I actually enjoyed. People would say "go do something you love' but honestly I didn't really want to be around people that much. I would work towards little things like a nice cup of coffee or a cookie I really liked. It got me through the days.

 

I kinda do this. Well. I let myself have those little pleasures. So if I feel like buying icecream, I'll do it. Last week I scheduled a massage and I was really looking forward to it. It felt nice.

 

I have also started changing my thoughts on another aspect - Gifts. I would always find these perfect gifts and think to myself "I wish my boyfriend would buy this." but he almost never did. But now I am starting to think "Why can't I just buy it for myself?"

It actually began with something my mom said. - That I should take all the love I gave/give my ex and give it to myself instead. I never felt I could do that, until only a few days ago.

 

3) I scheduled three low key social meetups a week - nothing major and usually a few hours at most. It felt like a chore and I couldn't wait to get home, but it was really important for the recovery process

 

That does sound like a good idea. I really don't feel like going out. Just going to classes is a great effort. (I went today, went to the bloodbank AND stayed two hours at uni, preparing something with my classmates. I feel really proud.)

 

4) A cool trick my friend taught me. Write down the top 15 traits you want in a partner. They can be anything - appearance, hobbies, career, characteristics (ie gentle, supportive, etc). Now of those pick the top ten you're not willing to compromise on. Now of those ten, how many did your ex actually fulfil? I was really surprised by the result.

 

I will definitely try this. It sounds like a great "exercise."

 

5) Make a list of everything your ex did that made you unhappy. Tape it to your wall or keep it on your phone, anything where you can look at it every day. In the same way you would study for a test, study that list and remind yourself why this was NOT your "soul mate"

 

I have kinda already done this. I wrote three pages up and down with all his negative traits. And when I was done I thought to myself "Why do you love this guy? He's worthless." But I still love him. Though it's "falling" in intensity.

 

6) Even if you don't feel up to pursuing your BA, etc right now, start thinking seriously about what YOU want out of life. Is your dream to do a phd? To own a coffee shop? To become a politician? It doesn't matter how lofty it is, just start working backwards on how to obtain it - show your ex what he's missing!

 

That's a big issue for me right now. All the dreams I had are gone. I don't want anything out of my life right now. I have really just ... given up in some way.

 

7) Exercise - I hate it but I almost felt like I was punishing the depressive thoughts when I spent a few hours working out at the gym.

 

Well. I hate exercising too. And I really doubt I will pull myself together enough to get it done. But I've heard it a few times now. So maybe I should.

 

8) Not now, and not anytime soon, but when ready, maybe go on some dates - even online dating. Now here's the important part - the first few dates will be AWFUL! You'll compare every guy you meet to your ex and feel there's no one else who compares. That's not the point. The point is to get some practice in meeting new people. You'll recognise that after a while, its not so scary and it will hopefully give you confidence.

 

I am thankful you're telling me it will be horrible in the beginning. Because I went on ONE date when I was still trying to work it out with my ex (though after the BU) and it was absolutely horrible. I went straight home to bed and cried my eyes out.

 

I have started texting a guy, who contacted me on a datingside. He's really quite sweet. And although I've only known him a few days, he's always done stuff my ex never did. Like, he told me he really likes short hair. When I first had my hair cut short, my ex made me feel horrible and ugly and unattractive for months. But this guy makes me feel great about my short hair, which is an insecurity because models almost always have long wavy hair. That's how a woman is "supposed to look."

But sometimes I feel bad about texting him. It makes me miss my ex. And most of all I can feel I am hurting, because I am not emotionally ready. So I try to keep it casual and like a friend. I don't know if I should break it off, for him. I really don't want to risk breaking his heart.

 

9) Finally, don't forget, you have every right to take as long as you want to feel down. But the best advice I can give is once you're done feeling sad, rally, recover and then show your ex just exactly why you're the one who got away.

 

xxxx

 

And I will! I am already trying a little bit. Tomorrow I am getting my very first tattoo, to prove to myself, that I am in control. My ex and I often discussed this. We both wanted tattoos. But he would always say, that I had to ask him and he'd have to "allow" me. Once I joked about it and pretended I'd gotten a tattoo and when I told him I hadn't, he said "Good. I'd been so mad if you had gotten one without asking me." With a smile, but I know he meant it. I always felt so .. I can't remember the word, but thinking "It's my body. You have no say in this." Now I can show him. (Not going to show him literally. But you get the idea.)

 

Again, Thank you soooo much for your posts. They are amazing! I am going to print them all and keep them somewhere. Maybe in my journal, with my bucketlist.

 

xxxxxx

[HopefullyWiser]

Janni,

I am probably twice your age, and I had a similar boyfriend when I was very young. When you bond so young you practically feel married. I remember feeling divorced in college missing my young love so much.

However, the same guy is still one of my best friends. He is still struggling with depression and frankly, it gets worse for a lot of them as they get older.

 

Some people are not safe to trust your deepest emotions with and if they have cheated on you, take notice. If he shows signs of hiding things. I would not believe him when he says he was just thinking about a relationship and innocently flirting. Sounds like bunk. He probably is so clingy that he was testing that she would stick around before he got the courage to dump you.

Do you really want a man who is that clingy? I know feeling needed can feel good... but you are a lot more grown up then when you started with him... it is time to feel grown up without him. Co dependents anonymous might be a help to you.. coda.org

Do not gloss over his misdeeds in a rush to get back with him... of course he will keep coming back, the depressed people tend to do that. When you have given so much so young it is hard to understand that your boundaries are weak right now. Just remember if you add children to this... and he is showing such poor self control it will be devastating to little kids. So .. try to keep in mind not to think rest of your life, marriage with anyone who would be someone who could upset children or make them feel insecure. Sometimes if you are in too deep, it helps to think of how a child would feel with that man for a Dad or stepdad to help you decide if he is good enough for you. I decided that my long ago ex is good enough for a friend, but he is unsafe emotionally so he cannot be around my children frequently, so he is not going to ever get me back. I still love his sense of humor. But there are a lot of things to consider besides chemistry, sense of humor. Feeling safe and trustworthy are very important and your ex comes up lacking in that area (as does mine). I am sure you will find love one day that is worthwhile. Try codependents anonymous, a great place to heal

[Janni]

Janni,

I am probably twice your age, and I had a similar boyfriend when I was very young. When you bond so young you practically feel married. I remember feeling divorced in college missing my young love so much.

However, the same guy is still one of my best friends. He is still struggling with depression and frankly, it gets worse for a lot of them as they get older.

 

This is exactly how I felt. I have never really uttered it, because I felt and feel "weird" for feeling so attached and feeling like I had such a strong bond. But this is really how I felt and now I feel like I have just gotten a divorce.

 

Some people are not safe to trust your deepest emotions with and if they have cheated on you, take notice. If he shows signs of hiding things. I would not believe him when he says he was just thinking about a relationship and innocently flirting. Sounds like bunk. He probably is so clingy that he was testing that she would stick around before he got the courage to dump you.

Do you really want a man who is that clingy? I know feeling needed can feel good... but you are a lot more grown up then when you started with him... it is time to feel grown up without him. Co dependents anonymous might be a help to you.. coda.org

Do not gloss over his misdeeds in a rush to get back with him... of course he will keep coming back, the depressed people tend to do that. When you have given so much so young it is hard to understand that your boundaries are weak right now. Just remember if you add children to this... and he is showing such poor self control it will be devastating to little kids. So .. try to keep in mind not to think rest of your life, marriage with anyone who would be someone who could upset children or make them feel insecure. Sometimes if you are in too deep, it helps to think of how a child would feel with that man for a Dad or stepdad to help you decide if he is good enough for you. I decided that my long ago ex is good enough for a friend, but he is unsafe emotionally so he cannot be around my children frequently, so he is not going to ever get me back. I still love his sense of humor. But there are a lot of things to consider besides chemistry, sense of humor. Feeling safe and trustworthy are very important and your ex comes up lacking in that area (as does mine). I am sure you will find love one day that is worthwhile. Try codependents anonymous, a great place to heal

 

I believe you. I wouldn't want children with a man like my ex, whom I can't count on throughout anything the world might throw at us.

 

I am at a place now, where I have accepted that it is over and that we will never get back together. I have accepted that he is my past and he is out of my life. Though I am still hurting and I am still struggling to build a new life for myself and learning how to be just me. As you say, I have never really been just me. My entire adult life I have had him by my side. I truly feel like I am all alone and have to start at whole new life.

 

Thank you for the address, I will go check it out.

 

May I ask how your life went on from the BU?

 

My ex haven't contacted me other than about some money issues, but maybe that'll come later on. I actually don't want it to. I just want him to disappear out of my life.

[Mz_sassy_77]

Some guys are like this unfortunately. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think with some guys they say they love you and say all the right things and you believe they do love you. One day they start wondering what else is out there and start doing the stuff your ex has done. Sounds like he wants to see what else is out there but doesn't want to loose you either so is trying to do both. He is going to keep hurting you.

 

I know your thinking how can you spend 6 years with someone and they have such little regard for your feelings. You are thinking did I ever know this person at all.

 

You are still young and you are lucky to find out what he is really like now rather then wasting any more time with him. I know you don't believe that but trust me it is true. It's normal to be upset, you've been together for years and he has treated you terribly. You will be ok. It's just going to take some time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to tell him to leave you alone and break all contact.

[Janni]

Some guys are like this unfortunately. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think with some guys they say they love you and say all the right things and you believe they do love you. One day they start wondering what else is out there and start doing the stuff your ex has done. Sounds like he wants to see what else is out there but doesn't want to loose you either so is trying to do both. He is going to keep hurting you.

 

I know your thinking how can you spend 6 years with someone and they have such little regard for your feelings. You are thinking did I ever know this person at all.

 

You are still young and you are lucky to find out what he is really like now rather then wasting any more time with him. I know you don't believe that but trust me it is true. It's normal to be upset, you've been together for years and he has treated you terribly. You will be ok. It's just going to take some time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to tell him to leave you alone and break all contact.

 

Thank you. It's exactly what I feel and think. But I am starting to realize that I am still young. At first I felt so lost and I kept feeling like I'd missed my chance. That I would never find someone and get married, kids etc before I was too old. But it's not true and I am starting to realize that. I am only 22. I have at least 8 years till it starts getting critical. Though, what pressurizes me is the fact that my mom was 23 and my dad 27 when they had me. And I have always loved them for being such young parents. It's been fantastic. I really wanted to give that to my kid(s) as well, though I don't even want kids atm.

 

I have not told him to leave me alone. I just said goodbye when I picked up the last of my stuff over a month ago and then I blocked his phone, fb, instagram etc. Have kept NC since then and he hasn't reached out to me at all, except last week about money. Nothing about missing me, being sorry or anything. But it's better that way. I don't trust myself with him and I def do not want to get back together with him.

[Priv]

I am so thankful for your reply. It means so much to me and it gives me hope. This is exactly what I have been thinking and feeling all along. It is so easy to relate to what you are telling me here and it gives me a sense of peace.

 

I do feel I am past the "I hope he'll come back"-stage. I know he is no good for me when he's acted this way, even if his depression is the cause. Depression doesn't mean you can't control your actions, so there is no excuse.

 

Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. I am even considering printing your response to have it with me when things gets tough.

 

Finally, I would like to express how happy I am for you, that you've got someone to support you through this time. I wish the best for you and for your mom. I truly hope and wish she gets through this.

 

The best of wishes.

 

Having experienced 2 episodes of clinical depression myself (nothing breakup related)I don't see the depression really. Him not being happy with his life I can understand, and playing the field i can see, but being in a real depression has nothing to do with stringing people along and going after someone else. But to an extend, you really can't control your actions in a real depression.

 

While I can see a depression being a reason to break up as you want to push everyone away, it does not make you look for comfort. It makes you want to be alone, not wake up or at least 'not be there' by any means necessary, not sleeping, and having absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. Being totally turned into yourself, and unable to care for anything or yourself. It pretty much disables you to make any contact with anyone else.

Edited October 29, 2013 by Priv

[Janni]

Having experienced 2 episodes of clinical depression myself (nothing breakup related)I don't see the depression really. Him not being happy with his life I can understand, and playing the field i can see, but being in a real depression has nothing to do with stringing people along and going after someone else. But to an extend, you really can't control your actions in a real depression.

 

While I can see a depression being a reason to break up as you want to push everyone away, it does not make you look for comfort. It makes you want to be alone, not wake up or at least 'not be there' by any means necessary, not sleeping, and having absolutely no sex drive whatsoever. Being totally turned into yourself, and unable to care for anything or yourself. It pretty much disables you to make any contact with anyone else.

 

I do believe your descriptions fit with his behavior somehow. But I believe it depends on the severity of the depression. And all depressions do not cause the same symptoms.

 

Anyway, I am through with analyzing his behavior and finding reasons. He acted like a jerk - still does. He's depressed - More than before. And I am done. So no reason to spend anymore time dissecting his behavior.