My new boyfriend has sever ADHD

[Crystalleigh]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a month now. When we met, sparks flew. I had never in my life met a guy who was so amazing and so into me. We started hanging out every day, he met my daughter right away and started staying at my place every night. The third night we hung out, I ended up at his place for the night and the next day we stayed in bed all day and talked and fooled around. A few days later, we had sex and it was amazing. By the end of the first week he told me he was falling in love with me. He told me I give him a funny feeling in his belly and major butterflies and that no girl has ever made him feel this way.

Back up just a bit......he has only ever been in committed relationships for the most part. From the time he was 12 to 19 he was with the same girl, then was a bit of a whore, then from the time he was 20 to 26, he was in another relationship. So I know he doesn't have commitment issues. For the past 8 months, he was single and hooked up with a lot of girls. He was once again, a whore. Then, we met.

Ok, so, I'm having a hard time figuring out if this is the real deal, if he is just playing games, or if his ADHD is causing the problems.

He was all hot and heavy, told me he loved me, pretty much moved in, wanted to get me pregnant and have a family. Then, a week later, he started pulling away. I discovered that he was still talking to 2 girls that he used to sleep with, both of which have feelings for him. And he still had an active POF account (plenty of fish, dating/hookup site). He was with me everyday after work and I always knew where he was, so I know he wasn't actually physically doing anything with anyone else.

Anyways, we got in a fight, I caught him dancing with one of the girls who he would text and I told him to leave. But the next day, we had a big talk and we have been good since, other then the fact that we don't have sex anymore.

This seems like a big cluster ****. He is so random and confusing. But the more I read about guys with sever ADHD, it all starts to make more sense. Although, I'm still confused about the "no sex" after already having sex 3 times.

He isn't as affectionate, and loving as he was at first. Some days he is better then others. I like affection, I crave it. But he rarely gives it.

So, keep in mind, he lives with me full time, his daughter stays here when he has her, he says he loves me, he likes being with me, we talk about the future. He even deleted the POF app on this phone, so he isn't using it anymore. But, he still talks to those girls ( one more then the other).

Am I being played? Does he really love me? Or is it just his ADHD ****ing things up? I'm confused.

HELP!!!

[Zahara]

How old are you?

[Crystalleigh]

I'm 26, he is 27. I am mature, have my own home and run my own business. I'm looking for help from people who have experience with ADHD. As much of the issues that have arisen with us, seem to be typical issues when it comes to dating someone with ADHD. It's just a bit hard to tell.

[Zahara]

I'm 26, he is 27. I am mature, have my own home and run my own business. I'm looking for help from people who have experience with ADHD. As much of the issues that have arisen with us, seem to be typical issues when it comes to dating someone with ADHD. It's just a bit hard to tell.

 

I'm not even sure where to start. I dated a man that was ADHD for a year and I have a male friend that has ADHD. I've heard about the "hyperfocus" stage but not the A hole stage.

 

ADHD aside, I don't know what to say because everything about this relationship is so wrong. 1 month of dating. Moved in together. He's talking to other chicks. Affection has died. Your daughter is exposed to a man you don't even trust. All this in over a month.

 

There is nothing mature about the choices you have made.

[StanMusial]

Uh, yeah, that's what it is, my ADHD... thanks for the free place to stay, maintaining my own home really cuts into my poon-hounding time.... oh, you're great babe... let me get back to you on this weekend, might have something else cooking... keep the bed warm just in case

[SOLACEMENT]

Wait, has he told you he is has ADHD?

 

 

Why are we so quick to make excuses for people's crappy behavior?

And we are masking it with an disorder!

 

This situation makes no sense, besides the fact that you moved a grown man into your home after a month.

He started treating you like crap after a week.

Now your daughter is exposed to this.

 

This doesn't sound ok.

[Crystalleigh]

I know, it all sounds crazy. He isn't a bad guy, really. He is actually a fantastic father and he is really good with my daughter. He isn't full moved in I guess, only has a few clothes here and his tv etc, everything else is at his place. He just stays here because I want him here And he wants to be here. My issue here is the hyper focus. He does have ADHD, bad, plus some other issues that he has been open with me about.

He is also open with me about when the two girls say to him. He doesn't hide or lie about talking to them. One of them, he doesn't really talk to now, she just bugs him sometimes, and the other one is in his group of friends. She messages him and he will read me the messages. I just wish he wouldn't talk to her, which I have been told by my guy friends that I'm just insecure.

He says "I'm here, everyday, not anywhere else. If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be."

He has his own bills and pays for his kid, he isn't just getting to live for free.

[Crystalleigh]

Oh, and he still hugs me and kisses me, just isn't crazy affectionate and lovey like he was a first.

[Crystalleigh]

And yes, he was open with me about his ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was in grade 2, reassessed when he was in grade 11, and was just reassessed a few months ago. He definitely isn't a walk in the park, that's for sure.

He says that I'm a challenge and it's a good thing because I keep him on track and on his toes.

[Crystalleigh]

He's not a psycho or anything.

That's why I'm looking for advice about ADHD. It all sounds much worse then it is.

I didn't just randomly meet him either, he is a friend of a friend and also a family friend of my cousin.

Everyone I know tells me to just calm down, including my mother. I over analysis everything because of my past.

I'm just trying to figure out the ADHD thing and get advise on how to not worry about his randomness and distractions.

[FemmeMystere]

Don't make excuses for him. Even if ADHD is the cause (which I highly doubt), his behavior is completely unacceptable. It's too early to be going through so much BS with him. This is the honeymoon phase - he's supposed to be sweeping you off you feet and on his absolute best behavior! If he's being an ass this soon it's only going to get worse, it will not get better. It's only been a month. Ditch this guy before you become more invested in and attached to him.

 

The loneliness feels lousy for a while, but just as you met him, you WILL meet someone else. Trust me on this one, because I've been there. There's about 3 1/2 BILLION men in the world. Knowing that, why tie yourself down to someone who's putting you through so much drama?

 

There are plenty of guys out there who actually know how to treat a woman with respect, but as long as you hold on to this loser, you're missing out on them.

[Crystalleigh]

Omg. People. Go back and re read. I'm not talking about the dating site now. As I said, we fraught, broke up, re assessed and things have been good since then.

I am asking for advise about ADHD!! About hyper focus and about distractions and indecisiveness. All key elements, from what I have read, about ADHD.

I'm not blaming the disorder on the "looking to cheat". That was all just an attention thing, I know that now. It's been discussed and figured out.

[Amethystic]

By the end of the first week he told me he was falling in love with me. He told me I give him a funny feeling in his belly and major butterflies and that no girl has ever made him feel this way.

 

Crystalleigh, I love you. After reading this post on LS, I'm touched. I want to sweep you away on my magical sparkling unicorn and save you from this jerk and we'll live happily in my palace made of gold forever.

 

See how easy it is to lie?

 

For the past 8 months, he was single and hooked up with a lot of girls. He was once again, a whore. Then, we met.

 

So he's magically stopped being a "whore" because he met you? Seems legit. </sarcasm font>

 

I discovered that he was still talking to 2 girls that he used to sleep with, both of which have feelings for him. And he still had an active POF account (plenty of fish, dating/hookup site).

 

Why does he need to do this if he's LIVING with the girl he wants to marry and get pregnant etc? Oh right, because he's full of sh*t.

 

He isn't as affectionate, and loving as he was at first. Some days he is better then others. I like affection, I crave it. But he rarely gives it.

"Some days are better than others" because he gives you affection when HE wants something. Otherwise, he couldn't care less.

 

But, he still talks to those girls ( one more then the other).

 

Wow, all of this after only a month. Which means he was probably acting up within the first few weeks that you met. But he's "fast-forwarded" the relationship and created a false sense of intimacy, when in actuality, you don't even really know him. What's his life philosophy? What was his favorite subject in school? What's his favorite ice cream flavor?

 

is it just his ADHD ****ing things up?

 

Maybe. But I'm going to leave you with a simple analogy that sums this situation up quite well:

 

If you step on my foot, you need to get off my foot.

 

If you step on my foot without meaning to, you need to get off my foot.

 

If you step on my foot without realizing it, you need to get off my foot.

 

If everyone in your culture steps on feet, your culture is horrible, and you need to get off my foot.

 

If you have foot-stepping disease, and it makes you unaware you’re stepping on feet, you need to get off my foot.

 

If an event has rules designed to keep people from stepping on feet, you need to follow them.

 

If you think that even with the rules, you won’t be able to avoid stepping on people’s feet, absent yourself from the event until you work something out.

 

If you’re a serial foot-stepper, and you feel you’re entitled to step on people’s feet because you’re just that awesome and they’re not really people anyway, you’re a bad person and you don’t get to use any of those excuses, limited as they are. And moreover, you need to get off my foot.

 

Focus on behaviors, not possible diagnoses.

 

And by the way...

 

Am I being played? Does he really love me?

You're asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if this guy really loves you. I think that automatically answers the question.

[Zahara]

Just to appease you, let's say it's all about the ADHD. Do you think it's going to change? Nope. You will have to live with his "symptoms". The ex was on Adderall and even then I couldn't go through with the relationship.

[ses]

We're not trying to attack the guy with malice. I think everyone who has posted here cares about your well-being, and the well-being of your daughter. She doesn't deserve to be exposed to this drama; instead she should be your priority. This guy is a negative influence, and is trying to deflect his jerk behavior with a diagnosis of ADHD. This has nothing to do with ADHD; it does have everything to do with him being an opportunistic ass. Honestly, his behavior reflects negatively on the numerous people who manage it successfully. This guy is a D-bag and is milking you for a sap. This relationship is incredibly unhealthy and you need to get out ASAP.