MalachiX Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Had an odd incident recently that makes me feel like I'm back in high school. Currently I'm finishing up studies in a very well respected grad program. For the most part, I haven't done a lot of dating within my actual program largely because I've always been a little bit nervous at the idea of gossip in such an insular group after I had a lousy experience in middle school. Two weeks ago, I went to a party for members of the program and ending up hooking up with another student after we'd both had a lot to drink. It was actually a pretty amazing night and I stayed with her through the morning. Afterwards, we started messaging back and forth on FB a lot and I realized that I was actually curious if there might be something there beyond great sex (since I don't normally have one night stands). She was recovering from an eye infection and I wasn't sure if she was interested in anything more so I texted her, "Hey, I'd really like to ask you out because you're cool and because I have a thing for girls with eye patches. That said, it's totally cool if you're not interested and I promise I won't get my feelings hurt if you say 'no.'" She messaged me back, "Ha! Of course we can go out. When I don't have my eye patch..." She had a friend coming into town the for a few days so we made plans to go to a photography show afterwards. The following week, she suddenly says she's getting busy and likely to have a full weekend. She still seems friendly in her texts so I decide to try again for closure's sake and write, "Are you sure I can't convince you to come out with me this weekend?" I suddenly get a text back saying, "I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend. It just happened. I hope we can still be friends and you're not angry or offended." I'm not going to pretend to that I was thrilled to hear this but I like to keep my personal life as drama free as possible so I texted back, "No worries. I had no idea. Hope we can be friends too." I didn't get any response and left it at that. Earlier today I was having a drink with a gay friend of mine who had seen me and the girl at the party and tends to be pretty versed in all the gossip. He said to me, "She came to class today saying she had a boyfriend. What happened with you guys?" I told him the story and he said, "She's nuts. She was asking me to invite a bunch of guys to the party and set her up with someone." Then he told me she also told a bunch of her friends that we slept together AND that a friend of hers (and mutual acquaintance of mine); had told him, "I need to talk to [Me]. He needs to know that whatever he thinks happened at the party didn't." This really threw me for a loop. For starters, I have no idea what this other person (who I thought was my friend) seems to be getting at. Second, I'm kind of surprised that she told so many people about us. I'm not broken up over the girl herself. We didn't really know each other and I was asking her out because I wanted to see if there was a real connection beyond sex. I'd rather not go out with someone that is so fickle in the first place. That said, am I wrong to think this whole thing is starting to feel more like high school? I mean, I'm 29 and she's 27. Aren't we a bit old for all this gossip about our personal lives and having friends give each other vaguely threatening messages? As I said, I don't normally date in my program or in my place of work. For those people who have had office or grad-school romances, is it always going to be like this? Does one ever reach a point where we can figure these things out with a little more discretion?
c57dood Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Don't let one crazy wommy ruin your experience with this type of thing. Perhaps there are more mature women you can seek out in your department? Find out as soon as you can if they have a boyfriend too. Sometimes we as men have to do a little interrogation to save ourselves some headaches.
emva07 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Gossip happens at any age. What a psycho that one. 1
Author MalachiX Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 Don't let one crazy wommy ruin your experience with this type of thing. Perhaps there are more mature women you can seek out in your department? Find out as soon as you can if they have a boyfriend too. Sometimes we as men have to do a little interrogation to save ourselves some headaches. Well, I'm just about out of there anyway. I've had a few other experiences with dating in the program but, in most cases, I've tended to be too shy because of a fear or other people talking. It's been that way since I was really young after a really bad experience in middle school. Over the years I've certainly dated and had relationships but it's almost always been with people outside of my school or work place. That said, I think I'm actually happy the way this turned out. Yeah it sucks and perhaps the my "worst fears" about this kind of thing were realized. But even though it went bad, it's not like it's the end of the world. I had a bad experience but I'm still standing and hopefully this will remind me that the worst that can happen is a little embarassment. I'm getting too old to worry about what other people are saying
Author MalachiX Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 I guess I'm just curious about other people who have had workplace encounters and how they've turned out.
emva07 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Two of my coworkers hooked up. At some point we all knew and gossiped about it. When the one guy in the office who didn't know found out , he told us all. That created so much drama. It was nuts. When I wanted to hook up with him he refused because he was scared id tell one of the girls and the office would take revenge on him by doing the same to him. To this day none of us work there and are still gossiping on who was banging who. Lol. We all had the sneaking suspicion the manager was banging one of the employees.
StanMusial Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 To answer your question, some people do, some people don't. As far as this hoe goes, too bad you didn't get the 411 on her beforehand... I wouldn't want to get mixed up in her drama.
nescafe1982 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Grad school is like high school. The sooner you learn that the better. (Helpful advice from a recently minted PhD.) Of course, hooking up with a random girl after drinking too much at a party sounds pretty "high school" to me too, though, so perhaps it's not only your environment that's contributing to the stifling atmosphere of immaturity. Seriously, though, the best way to stay out of all the drama that comes from being in grad school is to maintain some social circles beyond your department or institution. Depending on your field of study, the other students in your cohort will be hooking-up/breaking up/competing with one another/making each other crazy for the next 3-7 years, all in an academic bubble so insular that it can become truly toxic to be around. When I was in grad school I just had as many friends as possible that had NOTHING to do whatever with my program. And then, when I hung out with people inside the program, I avoided "talking shop" or gossiping like the plague. I mean, gossip can be fun. But it becomes so endemic in grad school that it's just toxic and yucky to be part of. Steer clear, and date beyond your program. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) i have never in my entire life asked anyone to hook me up to give control to soemoen on who i date isnt to the idea of the whole dating thing but for em dating is a pre lude to getting to know a guy i would like a permanent relationship with...i find peopel who date a lot are more guarded not as forth right...i do tell friends and family when i am interested in someone...it isnt hard to tell anyway because it doestn happen often ....and normally i am a no go zone with guys so when i am open to dating i actually become a bit dreamy and not so cynical.......so yeah pretty easy to tell...i wouldnt however go out with any guy.... what happens on dates to me with a guy i am interested in, is private including conversation.i would hope it would be the same for him..i think it pretty normal to tell people you like someone......i dont think its normal to ask someone to set you up...match making though is different.deb Edited September 29, 2013 by todreaminblue
hudson701 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Lol you had a rub what's the problem? That's not exactly bad is it? Take it for what it is, then sit back and relax with a wry smile over your face, safe in the knowledge you've added another notch to your bedpost where the conquest in question is certainly more regretful than you are.
Author MalachiX Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Grad school is like high school. The sooner you learn that the better. (Helpful advice from a recently minted PhD.) Out of curiosity, what type of program were you in?
FitChick Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I guess I'm just curious about other people who have had workplace encounters and how they've turned out. It's never a good idea. Sure, you could be the one person for whom it works out. I don't like strangers and acquaintances knowing my personal business.
nescafe1982 Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Out of curiosity, what type of program were you in? History PhD at a large, private Research-1 in New England. When I arrived at grad school I expected my cohort to be more mature than gossiping, sport-****ing, drinking too much, and shunning one another too. But it occurred with such frequency that after a year or two, I was openly making the comparison to high school too. Grad students are the worst! lol
Author MalachiX Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 History PhD at a large, private Research-1 in New England. When I arrived at grad school I expected my cohort to be more mature than gossiping, sport-****ing, drinking too much, and shunning one another too. But it occurred with such frequency that after a year or two, I was openly making the comparison to high school too. Grad students are the worst! lol A friend of mine recently said the same thing. I guess because I had a few years between grad and undergrad, I kinda got the impression that things would be more different. More professional perhaps. I remember when I first arrived telling old friends that I was starting to feel like I was in high school again and had regressed as a person. I guess it's taken me a while to realize it's just the environment. I'm sure I'm super guilty of feeding into it as well. Still, good to know i'm not the only one who gets this vibe sometimes.
StanMusial Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I've never been to grad school but I have been in many different corporate settings. Honestly it has been about 50/50 so far as the drama goes (with one extreme outlier). I tend not to get involved, which can actually make things worse sometimes, because people will then come to you as someone they can talk to. Try to recruit you to "their side". I have dated coworkers from time to time, but I always went for the ones that I deem to be discrete and low drama. Maybe I've just been lucky, who knows.
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