Ex GF got with someone 2 weeks after we broke up... I still love her

[Sunshine1988]

I have also posted this on RelationshipTalk but this forum seems to be more popular.

 

Warning: This is a long post.

 

Me and my ex had been together for 3 years before she broke up with me a month ago. It was a long distance reationship for large parts as she was studying and training for a job role in a different place to where I was. She is 24 and I am 25. This was not out of the blue as for the previous 6 weeks she had been talking about breaking up with me if she could not stop feeling hurt and moody with me.

 

However, she broke up with me over text while she was away at a friend's (a lad) house at the other end of the country. This lad had been hitting on her despite him having a girlfriend since they first met early this year. She had a problem with her car in the snow and he helped her out, posting his number through her letter box afterwards. She never got back to him. A month or so later though he kept hassling her to go out for a drink with her just as friends as they both had relationship so they did but they went along with her friends. They then went on to become friends. I found out after the breakup that towards the end of June and start of July that they had been flirting with one another and hanging out a lot.

 

Due to her breaking up with me when she was at his and upon finding out about the flirting and time together I went round to her house (even though her mum never knew about me because she and her family is muslim) to confront her about if she had cheated on me which some friends and family said might have been the case. We ended up talking for a couple of hours in a cafe. She told me that they were just friends, that she never cheated on me, that she did not even fancy him (saying she does not like younger guys) as well as justifiably getting angry and confrontational with me over storming round to her house.

 

We talk for a few days but she then says she is busy with a friend when I ask if we can meet up to talk (bearing in mind we still had not spoken properly in person about the breakup, the talk before was about what was happening with that guy). I wanted to get reasons in person and I wanted to have my say and put across my points. Anyways she said she was going to be away for 10 days and we would speak when she got back. When she got back we finally did meet and I found she had not only began a relationship with that guy I had originally accused her of something going on with but she had slept with him as well only 2 weeks after breaking up with me. She said that nothing went on with him while we were together (and I believe her) and that she did not even plan to get with him, it just happened. She then said she fancies his personality but she doesn't know what relationship she has with him and that it is not serious as if she wanted to stay in a serious relationship she would have stayed with me. I think this guy has plaed the perfect game though being very persistant and taking his chance quickly when it came along. He was there for her when I should have been (it was easier though because he was there in person) and he moved fast after the break dumping his girlfriend and then getting with her.

 

During our meet up I got the reasons why we broke but I already knew why. However, I feel and felt betrayed by her. The reasons for the breakup....

 

1) During June/July she was having a **** time on her work placement and most of her friends had left so she was also feeling very lonely and I was not there for her when I should have been. I had committed to working extra hours because I wanted to get her a really nice Birthday present to treat the woman I love. With her moving in with me soon (that was the plan) I thought she would be able to get through it and I would be able to spoil her and make it up to her when she came. This is despite her being there for me particularly supporting me through depression and IBD in the past.

 

2) We were not having a great sex life. She found sex very painful which was very off putting for me as emotionally I could not enjoy doing something that was hurting the woman I love. We tried loads of things and building up slowly and things were getting better but it was still difficult. All of what we both went though for this and it being a problem makes what has now happened with her and that guy even harder to take! She did always say though that she wished she had slept with more people or someone before.

 

3) She had felt angry and let down with me before which led to arguments in the past leading to us temporarily breaking up. She did not want to keep going through the same pattern.

 

4) We both were investing heavily into the relationship, so much to the extent that we both were not doing exactly what we wanted. She said she wants time alone (even though shes got with someone else!!) to focus on pursuing a Master's, working full time, and moving away to be independent.

 

5) She felt I had become reliant and needy. At the end of the relationship this was true. However, this was partly her fault. She demanded a lot of my focus which meant I drifted away from doing things I used to do and enjoy. She felt I always needed support (and I didn't give her the support when she needed it!).

 

When we finally did meet for closure and to dicuss the reasons why we broke up we ended on fairly good terms. I did not lose my cool about her new relationship and she commented I acted maturely. However, I did ask and beg for another chance but I expained to her that if I didn't do so I would always regret it.

 

I feel she was the love of my life. Only 3/4 months ago she was telling me that I meant everything to her. Even shortly after the breakup she was sending messages saying she was thinking about me and that she was lucky to have had me. If she had not moved on so quickly and especially slept with him I would think that time apart and time focused on ourselves would have been healthy and that we could have repaired the relationship as we really did mean a lot to one another. However, now I am unsure whether she wanted to get with him before the breakup and waited until after or whether it just happened as she just claims. She said she still loves me and I will always have a place in her heart. She also said her head is all over the place at the moment. She even smashed her wing mirror of her car against a wall whilst we were driving despite her usually being a calm and assured driver.

 

I know what I need right now is time to myself and to do what I want. I am already looking to move myself, get a job I actually want to do and visit my friends that I have neglected. I have planned visits to friends across the country for the next 4 weeks already. However, ultimately I do not want to completely move on. I want to go out and have fun but I still want to eventually get her back. I truely feel she was my soul mate. I am going to have a period of NC with her apart from sending her a Birthday email (she got her present early on the day we last spoke as I wanted to see her open the present). She would not give me her new mobile phone number because she said if she did we would fall into the same pattern that we used to be in, constantly texting each other allllll the time.

 

Is it right for me to still want her back? Is that guy just a rebound/replacement or have I lost her forever? Am I right to feel betrayed? Am I doing the right thing concentrating on myself and then thinking of building up gradual contact with her again when I feel ready and time has passed?

 

Thank you for the help.

[Chi townD]

No, the reason you broke up is BECAUSE of him. He wasn't a rebound, he was the reason. I mean, come on! She gave herself to him within a week or two of breaking up with you and before that, she was always around a guy that was always flirting with her and she accepted his advances. That not what a girl that's in a committed relationship should do.

 

If he wasn't the reason for the break up, then why is he still in the picture? Why (out of ALL the guys in the world!!) did she end up sleeping with him?

[lindsay1990]

It is completely natural that you want her back still, because you are still emotionally attached to her. However, the reality is she was probably detaching from you a while ago and checking out of the relationship before you even knew it.

 

From what you wrote, it seems that she is not very honest or very upfront. I say this because many people fall out of love, fall for other people or whatever but they still manage to do things a little bit right-er than this and be honest. This girl has put you in the position of scrambling to connect the dots is my impression, specially regarding this other guy having pursued her.

 

Also, that line about wishing she had slept with others? For the sake of what? Just variety, just sleeping with others? That's not a good sign for her investment in the relationship. Good riddance, I say.

[Sunshine1988]

She is actually a very honest and caring person! I was ill the year before which she stuck by me and helped me through it. I also knew she was hanging around with that guy but did not feel threatened as we both have and hung around with members of the opposite sex. The relationship was really over in July as we nearly finished then but she said she would continue to try but if se could not stop feeling angry, let down and moody with me she would have to finish the relationship (which is what she did at the end of August). She was and is perfectly justified for feeling like this as I did not support her like she was always there to support me.

 

She always felt uncomfortable with me that she was a virgin and I had slept with numerous women before getting together with her. Plus there was the sexual problem that I mentioned in the first post.