Left for another woman after 4 1/2 years ...

[Cajira]

My ex-boyfriend (24y. old) and I (22y. old) were together for 4 1/2 years.

 

Everything went really well in our relationship. We went to visit his and my family together. We grew really close over that time. We had our ups and downs but we never had a serious fight. We would talk about problems and try to figure them out.

 

After graduating together from highschool he chose to become a retail salesman and I started studying at university.

He started making friends with his collegues and starting hanging out with them. I gave him plenty of space and never questioned his loyalty. The only thing I noticed was the intellectual level that seemed to change over time. He always used to be a very lazy person who never really wanted to study even though he has a lot of potential and is very intelligent. But he still maintained a very high level of conversation.

 

But ever since hanging out with the people from his workplace his whole demeanor started to shift and at times almost felt primitive to me (swearing in languages he doesn’t even speak a bit, offensive humor). One example would be that he always used to wear nice dress shirts and was skeptical of people that walked around with bottles of beer in public. Now he hangs out with people that sit on benches in public where they drink beer and swear at strangers that pass by. He also started to care less about his appearance in terms of clothing (casual t-shirts, sweaters, sneakers).

 

About half a year ago he attended a seminar and apparently met the woman (32y. old) he now left me for. They started to hang out as friends in the beginning and he went out more and more to party with his friends, frequenting clubs again.

(He used to be in nightclubs all the time starting at the age of 16 up until we started dating at 20. The reason we got together in the first place was that he grew tired of nightclubs, partying and his hookups that lasted max. three weeks at that time, because he wanted a serious relationship.)

 

Since I’m really busy with university and do not have a schedule that allows for me to go out all night (except on weekends), I couldn’t fit into his circle of friends at all. But we did still go to cinema, cycling and spend time together. He also started to get interested in university, but never wanted to give up his job for it, so he decided he wanted to study full-time and work full-time all at once. I thought he overestimated himself and tried to tell him that university is not easy (he knew how much I had to work for it and he wasn’t a very ambitious, diligent person to begin with) but he made his decision and I was going to support him anyways. So I helped him and even sent in his application because he was busy at work.

 

Approx. 2 months before the break up (now 6 weeks ago) he started to get really distant towards me. Since I’m emotionally a very sensitive person I noticed his cold behavior and carefully asked him about it. He told me it was just stress at work since he’s transferred to another store recently, which is located on a much more frequented and busier street. I didn’t read anything into it, since he always used to be honest with me and was never a really ‘warm’ person to begin with. I felt he was drifting away, but instead of running after him I let him do his thing..

 

Well.. I had to go to visit my family a few weeks later and he broke up with me via whatsapp while I was visiting my grandmother, because he didn’t miss me the five days I spent there. He wrote me he is not involved with any other woman he just ‘wants to be free again’ and ‘doesn’t love me anymore’. And we were only still together out of routine. He then added that 'the relationship is doing him no good'.

 

My whole world shattered that day. I did see something coming. A fight or argument about him withdrawing and doing whatever he wants with no regards to my feelings and needs. But him breaking up was far from my mind ..

After I came back from the trip to my family two days after the break up I went to see him and he told me everything he already wrote me to the face. He also told me one more time (and in the four years we dated he NEVER promised me anything else. Only that he wouldn’t cheat.) there was no one else involved. I cried silently, but accepted his decision immediately, got up and left. I wasn’t going to beg or contact him again since he was so incredibly cold and uncaring he didn’t even hug me as I left. I was already rejected twice (per message and in person) and didn't see how I could change anything anyways since he apparently has made up his mind and his decision was final.

 

Since I always had a very good connection to his mum, brother and sister I stayed in very light contact with them. He also told his mum the same 'reasons' for breaking up and that there was no other woman involved (which he also told the only mutual friend we have but with her he added that he 'is tired of being in a relationship' and 'wants to get rid of me' even though I 'never really limited him or prohibited him from doing what he wanted').

 

Four weeks after the break up he accidentally sends me a message that was meant to be for one of his colleagues. I wasn’t doing too well, but I tried to cope but that message immediately set me back since I still had some hope inside and still couldn’t fully believe what had happened. So I kindly asked him to delete my number to prevent further accidental contact. Which he did.

 

A week afterward was our mutual friend’s birthday and she decided to invite me to her party on the weekend (I told her to ask him instead, because I understand she was standing between us and I didn’t want to make her choose me just because he dumped me but she decided to invite him for lunch another day instead.)

 

When they met up for lunch he asked her why he wasn't invited to her party. He wouldn't have cared I've I was there or not (truth is he is avoiding me since he probably couldn't even look me straight in the eye anymore).

 

He also told her he was seeing the woman he met at the seminar. That she was in a bad relationship and suffering because her boyfriend constantly was oppressing and telling her how dumb she is (strange thing he feels pity for her, but not for me). So my ex and her decided to make their affair kind of public to him and left used condoms lying around so he would break up with her. Well her ex apparently threw her out and she now moved back in with her mother.

 

He also told our friend that it really started to get serious in those two months before he broke up with me (even though he lied to her before that he wasn't leaving me for another woman), because he continually wrote the other woman, but deleted the logs immediately afterwards so he didn’t have to be secret with his phone and so I wouldn’t notice (I only found it strange that he did message others a lot more than he used to, but I thought it was, because he changed working locations and he wanted to keep in touch via cell with his buddies).

He also briefly asked about me and how I was doing. I told my friend to tell him I was doing very well, his only reaction being ‘Oh really? Good for her.’ And he was upset that he had to delete my number because I asked him to (what the hell?). He also said it would be okay for him if I started seeing other people and that I could dress up for other men (really generous of him isn't it?).

 

He also told her with a wide grin on his face that I took care of his application (how can he not feel the least bit guilty or sorry about what he did? I, personally would die of shame.) and he’s still sure about going to university this fall (even though he has already missed the deadline for enrollment, which he apparently didn’t even bother to check, since I took care of his application) and that he is ‘organizing’ a flat-sharing community with two other men so he can move out.

 

Up to this day (day 52 of NC) I can’t make any sense of his behavior.

Why would he leave a 4-year relationship for a woman who is 8 years older?

He got along with my family, I got along with his family. There have never been any major problems apart from the fact that he wanted to go out everyday and I simply couldn’t do that. I supported him. I was never jealous or controlling. During the four years we spent together I never even felt the need to take a look at other men. I was loyal to him. And he replaces me with somebody who is apparently unfaithful and who knew he had a girlfriend and still bluntly approached him.

Did he simply look for someone more compatible to his current environment? Why would it take 6 months then to dump me?

And how can he turn into such a cruel, uncaring person towards me after all this time?

 

 

(Sorry for the long post .. I just had to get everything out ..)

[Salvatore85]

He's an idiot. I mean honestly that's the only answer and when she dumps him, and she will, he will want you back. Please move on with someone who cares. You sound like an amazing girl and there's plenty of great guys out there who won't put you through crap like this.

[Cajira]

He's an idiot. I mean honestly that's the only answer and when she dumps him, and she will, he will want you back. Please move on with someone who cares. You sound like an amazing girl and there's plenty of great guys out there who won't put you through crap like this.

 

Thank you so much for replying

 

I'm not sure she will dump him, since he is a good catch (regarding the fact that he earns a lot more than the other salesmen). I honestly don't even care at this point what happens to them. I guess karma will take care of them anyways

 

I just find it unbelievable what he did after 4 years and how he could lie straight into my face, wanting to desperately hide the relationship with her from his colleagues and his family, but then goes around and tells a mutual friend expecting she won't tell me..

[Salvatore85]

My ex claimed she was going on a trip to visit her friends and I got very suspicious. I went through her phone, yes I know that's an awful thing to do, but I ended up finding out she was actually going to stay with a dude. The best part was she actually borrowed money from me for the trip. Needless to say it was heartbreaking for me and for some reason I didn't dump her, don't really know why? We ended up breaking up a couple weeks later. The truth is some people just suck, think only about themselves and couldn't careless what they put others through.

[Cajira]

My ex claimed she was going on a trip to visit her friends and I got very suspicious. I went through her phone, yes I know that's an awful thing to do, but I ended up finding out she was actually going to stay with a dude. The best part was she actually borrowed money from me for the trip. Needless to say it was heartbreaking for me and for some reason I didn't dump her, don't really know why? We ended up breaking up a couple weeks later. The truth is some people just suck, think only about themselves and couldn't careless what they put others through.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through that

Borrowing your money to go and stay with another man? How indecent some people behave is just incredible and disgusting.

 

But I guess you're right. As long as they have their space on the boat floating in the ocean they won't give a damn. It's when it starts to sink that they reach out for others to help them.

[Salvatore85]

Trust me she didn't care at all. Three weeks after breaking up she started sleeping with a friend mine, former friend now. We were together 5 years and it was like she decided to just put me through hell for no reason. It sucks and you don't really understand it but you just pick up and move on with your life.

[Cajira]

I still have a hard time believing how people can do something like this to a person they have shared so much with and been with for such a long time. Sleeping with a friend of yours? That behavior makes me just thinking about it ..

 

I found out today that the 32y. old he is now in a relationship with is actually a colleague holding a position superior to his. And she is the reason he got a salary increase and other work related 'benefits'. I guess he was looking for someone who doesn't only share the partying type of lifestyle but the same 'career path' as well. He is now waiting for the news to come out since no one knows about his new relationship yet.

[send_me_flowers]

My ex has done the same thing. I've just found out that they have been living together for 2 weeks. Like your ex mine was a good catch, he lies to my face also. I really hope karma catches them both

[a0009]

Just leave him alone.. Force yourself not to talk about him or ask about him. His relationshi(t) with the 32yr lady wont probably work. Improve your life and be more beautiful and better for your future boyfriend. He is saying things and acting this way because he knows its getting into you. He broke your heart and he is still breaking the broken pieces of your heart by acting that way. Incase he ever wants you back don't let him, do not be his friend either. Now you know who he is. If he did this to you shows that he is the type of a person who will abandon his wife and kids for another lady...you don't want that. some people are evil its simple like that. He probably left you for her because of money, compatibility and maybe sex. I think you did your best while you were with him, he did that because he want to be with her... people change

 

Its been about 63 days since my ex left me for her ex and she got back with him and was doing stuff with him behind my back while we were still together and I did not know about it until the day she dumped me and now they are dating again and am still in pain but am moving on

Edited September 30, 2013 by a0009

[Cajira]

Incase he ever wants you back don't let him, do not be his friend either. Now you know who he is. If he did this to you shows that he is the type of a person who will abandon his wife and kids for another lady...you don't want that. some people are evil its simple like that.

 

I'm actually kind of scared of the day he might want me back and hope it never comes. I wouldn't even know what to say and how to react after all he has said and done.

But you are right. Some people start showing their true face when they think they won't ever see you again and believe they can afford to treat you like garbage.

 

He probably left you for her because of money, compatibility and maybe sex. I think you did your best while you were with him, he did that because he want to be with her... people change

 

It's just incredible how he was lying on my bed, texting her all the time and still putting on the most innocent face and act ever. My mum even joked once and said "You're working so much lately, are you sure there is no one else involved?" and he replied "I'm here or at work all the time. I wouldn't have the time for another woman and it would be too exhausting keeping an affair secret."

 

Its been about 63 days since my ex left me for her ex and she got back with him and was doing stuff with him behind my back while we were still together and I did not know about it until the day she dumped me and now they are dating again and am still in pain but am moving on

 

I'm truly sorry to hear that. I seems to happen all the time... people are so selfish when it comes to their own wants and needs ..

[Cajira]

My ex has done the same thing. I've just found out that they have been living together for 2 weeks. Like your ex mine was a good catch, he lies to my face also. I really hope karma catches them both

 

They already moved in together?

At least we now both know that they can and do easily lie to our faces without blinking. It's a really bad experience but it told me a lot about his persona.

[Cajira]

Anyone else some more ideas..?