MercuryMorrison1 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) Hey everyone. I've got a question here for some of you who have been cheated on in the past. Long story short, One of my earliest relationships (also my longest lasting to date) ended horribly. This took place from the age's of 15 to 18 years old. The girl I was with, was cheating and conniving. For years after our breakup I hated her for it, I blamed her for everything. But eventually I came to accept things as they were, which is that we both made mistakes and we were both just kids when this happened. So I've recently taken it upon myself to call her and tell her that I was sorry things went down between us the way that they did and that I now acknowledge that she wasn't the only one at fault. Its been ten years since her and I first met and seven years since the two of us broke up oh so nastily. Over the past seven years, I've had my share of flings, one night stands and would be relationships, but I never allowed anyone to get close enough to me to really get to know and understand me on a truly emotional and spiritual level in fear of having to re-live that awful pain all over again. Which brings me to my current issue... I'm seeing a girl now, Who has been great so far! I've come to really care for her. So far she seems like an amazing beautiful person both inside and out. It was somewhat of an accident that her and I wound up meeting but it just turned out to be one of those right place at the right time kind of things. Now that I'm with her though, I find myself second guessing everything, I live in constant worry and fear of what she ''might be doing'' behind my back, even though she hasn't given and discernible reason to believe that any foul play is going on, as a matter of the fact she's done quite the opposite, She was the first one to tell me that one of my friends had professed himself to her...She told me before he did, which caught me off guard. But that's a whole different thread. So my question go's out to anyone who's had to learn how to trust again...How did you do it? So far I feel as though I'm doing quite well, I give her the benefit out the doubt, and I don't try to limit anything she does or anyone she talks to, I believe that's the wrong thing to do to anyone. But I'm also internally wrestling with my past experience and its really taking a tole on me mentally. If anyone has words of wise for me, I would love to hear them. Thanks for your time everyone. Edited September 29, 2013 by MercuryMorrison1
love1336x Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 It's tough... but I learn not every man is the same... Not every dude wants to cheat, find somebody prettier than me. Usually if my boyfriend not glue to his phone... I am fine, but if he is... then it worries me a bit.
Solcita2 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 How long have you been dating? When I started dating my current partner I was afraid I was gonna make him pay for the sins of my ex... I tried really hard not to let that happen. HOWEVER, it was hard at first. The first time he said he loved me I started crying "because I was falling too and boy! it's gonna hurt whenever you cheat on me"... or things like that. Also whenever he would say something I would have second guesses like looking for something behind his words... He understood my crazy behavior, but you learn with time that no all people are the same... he did make mistakes later on however... Anyway: not everybody is the same... just be honest with her. Hope it gets better! You deserve it
skydiveaddict Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 Hey everyone. I've got a question here for some of you who have been cheated on in the past. I will never trust anyone again; end of song. 1
salparadise Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 But I'm also internally wrestling with my past experience and its really taking a tole on me mentally. If anyone has words of wise for me, I would love to hear them. There are a couple of things to think about, or more accurately, ways of being that should help... First, as you already alluded, this is based on a deeply seated fear from a traumatic experience in the past. It's a normal reaction, and it's even healthy up to a point. There is a sound evolutionary reason that we retain so much from traumatic experience. You can't erase the experience or change the past, but you can exist in the present separately from your reaction. Eckhart Tolle calls it the "pain body." By acknowledging it as a shadow like, semi-physical, yet inert thing that follows you, you can choose to be separate from it, diminish its power over your emotions, leave it in its place rather than giving it a place at the front and center of your being. Secondly, learn to accept and live with ambiguity in life. We cannot change the past, and we cannot dictate what will be in the future. Let go of whatever expectations you may have about "making sure" that some particular thing that's beyond the realm of your control will never happen. Simply accept that what will be will be. Talk about it until you done talking, and then talk about it some more. As a guy I know you probably don't have a bunch of guy friends lining up to help you unload your baggage, so go to a therapist. That's what they do, and it works. Try and desensitize your automatic reaction to the triggers. Replace the shadow of fear with real, tangible, positive experience. The fear from the past is largely about the dread of rejection. So ask your new girlfriend to express acceptance somatically so that it's real and can displace the reactionary stuff. Do this through lots of affectionate, non-sexual touching. Fingertips gently exploring, and expressing acceptance and appreciation. Allow the fear of unworthiness to be replaced with the knowledge that you are infinitely lovable. Allow your partner to affirm this in words and deed, and integrate it into your sense of being. Obviously, you should be wise in choosing whom to trust (the evolutionary benefit). Learn to be a good judge of character, choose wisely, and trust your instincts. You still can't determine what will be, but you can surround yourself with integrity, live with integrity, and when you do trust someone, believe in them wholeheartedly and let them know you do. This builds strong bonds. Perhaps think of it as a Gestalt image in which the circle of your life experience was broken and an arc was missing for a time. Think of the healing as gradually bringing that circle back to completion and wholeness. Hope this helps - good luck!
Recommended Posts