Echo000 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Been a while guys- hope some people remember me. An update: First time being back on this site since about a month and a half. Started school since then, moved back up and all. Its been HORRIBLE. My obsessive thoughts have taken over and destroy me every day. Hard to focus on school. Sleep horribly. Absolutely depressed. So angry about feeling so miserable i feel constantly uncomfortable, wanting to explode and have it all end. Obsessive thoughts (classic O in obsessive compulsive disorder) about 95% about my ex all the time. Everything triggers her memory-whether she is directly associated by the trigger or not. I ruminate on past events, times, words, expressions, moments we shared and didnt. things we experienced, things i regret, good times between us, bad times, etc. OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS day and night day and night and its ruining me. My life has become about reconstructing the past in my head, and its all centered around this one person. its horrible. i cant control it. it took forever but i finally found a few therapists and am on an SSRI now but the healthcare system made it take weeks before i finally met with professionals for the first time just this past week. In the meantime, i have been dying inside. Truth is, i was destined to be ruined. i have suffered from obsessive thoughts my whole life..and i always used it as best i could to make a better life for myself. it was the very OCD that kills me now that once had me working hours a day studying..or practicing hours a day to become better as an athlete. The system i used was always a bad one, always capable (if something big enough came along) to destroy it, and me. My first love came along, came along and is gone now. 3000 miles away. and the system i had in place was utterly destroyed, leaving me shattered, broken, and TORTURED every single day. Before i wrote this: tortured. While i write this: tortured. After i write this: tortured. Hit ROCK BOTTOM. so deep in this. i want to live in the present, i want to feel okay and have my life be about me. but i have lost it all, i really have. yes i am trying and am now finally seeing professional help..i know i need it. but suicidal and dark, hopeless, and obsessive thought makes me feel guilty as hell too. like i must have done wrong to have this pain now. No peace. No peace. I need help. But i cant break free of these chains.
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Welcome back echo... Sounds like times are tough. I wish I had some magical words for you. I don't. All I can say is you're not alone. You are among others who have this pain too. Among friends who understand. We will all make it out. You just have to put in the work and wait for time to do it's thing. 5
xsanex Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I had to read this twice to make sure I wasn't the one who wrote it. I feel for you, big time. I am experiencing the same exact issues 4 months post breakup. I just want it to end. The thoughts, stomach pains. The times I am happy only to think of her then become sad again. Time has not been kind to either of us and I'm thinking it's not because of lack of effort on either of our parts. I truly hope things get better for you. I see a therapist once a week and it works, a little.
lauri Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I feel for you big time. Have you been able to maintain NC (including not looking at social media sites)? Sometimes this pain continues because we never get proper closure. I feel the pain is the only thing we have left of our ex, who is no long in our lives. Its tough man...but I hope seriously you can work towards getting to a state where you can at least focus at school. We are all here for you...so please vent and reach out to the community. We are all hurting but I believe together we can help each other move forward. 1
JDPT Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Keep fighting don't give up everything is still so vivid. Find inner strength and know that if you put in the work as you have been you will see positive results in the end.
destroyed4sho Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Just accept.this as being part of your life.now and.temporarily. But dont.prevent it from living your life. Yes you will have all of.these.thoughts for a while and its.a.process you will have to go.through. move.on regardless.of.the obsessiveness. They will fade you just have to go.through it and know in the end it will all be okay. Its okay and natural dont be.so.hard.on yourself.
destroyed4sho Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Also, I have always wondered why ur usename is echo..can you explain pls?
777doom Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Hi Echo, The end isn't here yet. I have a certain degree of anxiety (not quite the same as what you seem to be describing) and when I broke up with my first love 4 years ago I felt in a similar way. It took me a while to get over her (1-2 years?) but I did get over it and I no longer lust for her or am not even attracted to her anymore. I survived and it enhanced my life. You will get to that point too and if you feel you need professional help to do that then it is not a weakness and you should not feel guilty. Just remember that everyone has their own meandering experience and these decisions that we make (or are made for us) are all part of that, they always lead to something better and in a few years time you will be able to look back and realise that you have no regrets about anything. Keep with it
Hoaks Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Hi echo, I feel for you man. I think our breakups were around the same time. Don't feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong, you just need help and are now getting it, another step to full recovery. And don't feel like you are going backwards or that things will never get better. I am still thinking of my ex around 90% of the day. But that has gone from 99%, so I feel like there is small progress. When you think about it, is it the same pain as the first month of your breakup? Do you feel any anger? You need to think and realise that there is someone out there that you will love even more. But you need to love yourself, and by the sounds of it, you are starting that process with the people you are seeing. You have started to work on you.
Exitleft Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Hi echo, Hope you're feeling a bit better since you posted. I was actually wondering where you'd gone recently, sorry to hear things haven improved but good to see you again. I hope you find some peace soon. We're all here for you.
Nicoleiia Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 That post made me sooo sad. I am struggling too. I'm still upset about an ex-ex from 2 years ago. I have NO idea why I can't stop thinking about this person. I don't know what to do and feel trapped like you. They have moved on and have a great new life (I snooped on facebook which I will NEVER do again) and I am just stuck. It just feels like I will be hurt forever!!!
cavalier99 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Sorry to hear you in such a tough place bro. I really feel for you and hope it gets better. Maybe this is rock rock bottom like you said!!! Man if you can survive this you can survive anything .Cav
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 As other posters have mentioned, you absolutely ARE making progress. It's just small increments and goes back and forth. Up and down. Therefore, it is very hard to measure the net gain. But it is there. I am in the same boat and I know it's hard to realize, but we are all on an upward trend overall, no matter how it feels right at this exact moment.
Author Echo000 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 friends-- i dont know any of you. normally nothing makes me feel good..not even the slightest. but to hear strangers who actually can relate..who actually (perhaps even just a little bit) care, provides the smallest glimmer of light in a pool of darkness. even just for a moment. so, truly. thank every single person who spent time to respond to a post i wrote. Some people asked questions, so i will answer those: 1. No, i dont snoop around or anything. I rejected my ex's attempt to be friends on fb or to continue texting a long time ago. Tomorrow marks another 3 months of absolute NC. And by absolute i mean absolute- zero contact in any way. My move. My choice. 2. Why Echo? Why is that my username? Because for most of my life, i have felt so deeply alone in this world. that when i cry out, speak out- make any noise- i hear nothing but my own echo in return. sad and alone in a profound way, with no company save the sound of my own crying voice- my echo. Hence my name on this website. Progress...i just dont know. someone mentioned the ex is gone, save pain we cling on to. completely true. this is so not even about the ex anymore. they have been out of my life for many months now..but i burn like it happened yesterday. playing the past over and over and over and over in my head every day..details details big and small. tortured- its like i hold onto the past because even if the past was no good at times, it was so much better than the hell i exist in now. i dont live really..i exist. i survive day to day, moment to moment. to go through one full hour with zero thoughts (obsessive thoughts) about ex would be asking for too much. i have been trying as hard as i could since day one of break up (and days leading up to it). my obsessive mind is broken, and i live in a world in my head- a dark place that recreates a past that is dead and gone. and for what? i dont even know---i deserve better and i dont need my ex. and i know yall will doubt me, think im full of lies- but i initiated the break up. I knew it was logically the right move, but emotionally i never could accept it. Which is why, in part, i feel like although i initiated the break up that it was never something i could accept or fully do. When she moved, i was forced to accept what was best. to move on. but an ocd head like me, with depression and anxiety as well, could not do it. so i live in torture every day. and im full of anger too, because who wants to live like this? dying on the inside, bleeding on the out. finding no joy in things, living in a world that seems wrong, a reality gone astray. its like i am waiting to wake up, but every time i fall asleep, i wake back up in a reality that cant be fixed. that only sinks deeper. so i say now. rock. bottom. (mentally anyway). how can i look at myself, after such mental mutilation, and like what i see bleeding back at me? im so sick of me.
mtnbiker3000 Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 I'm sure you've heard this and know it like the sky is blue. But, you've got to start taking baby steps at feeling better. It will not simply come get you. You have to meet it half way! Professional help is an excellent start. I've been going since Feb and it has done a world of good. Also, no disrespect, but I truly believe you are a good candidate for meds. Many people on here toss that idea around way too easily. However, in this case, I think it could be a major asset in helping you break this cycle. Because that is exactly what you are stuck in. A vicious cycle. I can't possibly understand what it is you are going through right now, but I urge you to seek help from every resource you can. I want to see you feel better. I want to read a post from you where you talk about what a huge turn-around you've made and how life is looking up. That would be kick-ass!!! Stay strong and good luck
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