Kitchen Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I've been on 3 dates with this girl. Haven't kissed her yet, because I know she is very conservative. But at the same time she's fun and talkative, she talks a lot about herself, and she laughs at my jokes, and that's why I like her. But, she doesn't ask me many questions about myself and it's getting frustrating. I feel like I know so much about her but she doesn't know much about me. It sounds like she's not interested right? Well, then why has she gone out with me 3 times. I don't think she's in it for free meals. I only paid for one dinner so far, the other one she paid for. First one was just a coffee date which I paid for. She has also been adamant about wanting to pay for her fair share and all. She also keeps telling me "we should go try this and that restaurant out", "we should do this", "we should do that". So I don't know what the deal is. It seems like she's interested, but then it seems like she's not. She immigrated from an Eastern country (India) recently, so I don't know if the dating culture is different there and girls just act different or what. I really don't know. I don't know what to do. I like her, but I also want her to want to get to know me.
string of letters Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 You are following a Western model of conversation that basically views things as sort of like a ping pong game or tennis game - hitting the ball into her court means that she shows interest by hitting it back into hers. However, she may not realize that you think you are playing this variety of game, and have a different model in her mind! I've spent about 1 1/2 years in India, though I'm not sure if I can help you a lot on the specifics of this (especially since I don't know what part of India she's from). Anyway, 'dating' is pretty recent there. If you would feel awkward about droning on about yourself, that to me is a good sign and suggests you have a healthy dose of humility. However, I do think that in some cultures, the male would be expected to just talk about himself a lot without being prompted. This can be hard to get used to! (This is not in any way intended to undermine these cultures or suggest that people are lacking in humility, it's just a different model of what a conversation between a man and woman would be like.) Also, keep in mind that she probably comes from an education system where she was probably not encouraged to ask questions. Actually, whether this also stifles people's ability to ask questions in everyday life is very debatable - there's also the possibility, for instance, that she does have questions, but would feel odd about asking them. Anyway, good luck! 1
Author Kitchen Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 You are following a Western model of conversation that basically views things as sort of like a ping pong game or tennis game - hitting the ball into her court means that she shows interest by hitting it back into hers. However, she may not realize that you think you are playing this variety of game, and have a different model in her mind! I've spent about 1 1/2 years in India, though I'm not sure if I can help you a lot on the specifics of this (especially since I don't know what part of India she's from). Anyway, 'dating' is pretty recent there. If you would feel awkward about droning on about yourself, that to me is a good sign and suggests you have a healthy dose of humility. However, I do think that in some cultures, the male would be expected to just talk about himself a lot without being prompted. This can be hard to get used to! (This is not in any way intended to undermine these cultures or suggest that people are lacking in humility, it's just a different model of what a conversation between a man and woman would be like.) Also, keep in mind that she probably comes from an education system where she was probably not encouraged to ask questions. Actually, whether this also stifles people's ability to ask questions in everyday life is very debatable - there's also the possibility, for instance, that she does have questions, but would feel odd about asking them. Anyway, good luck! Thanks for the reply! This is very interesting. I didn't realize that this could even be possible. It makes me feel better because her lack of question asking may not necessarily mean that she is not interested. She is from a state called Gujarat, and a city called Ahmedhabad to be specific. It's in the west part of the country. Does that help? lol
string of letters Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Ah, Gujarat is not among the states I have lived in, or even visited. However, I think the general points remain the same across the board: - There's probably an expectation that the male leads the conversation more than you might feel comfortable with (i.e. you just go ahead and talk about yourself, don't expect that questions like 'How many brothers and sisters do you have?' will be returned to you) - Kids don't ask questions in school (For instance, to ask a question may imply that the teacher's explanation was not adequate.) If, as you say, she's glad to talk about herself but doesn't ask anything about you, that could just mean that, really, she *is* self-centered. But I would definitely give her the benefit of the doubt, for these cultural reasons. I know exactly what you mean about becoming uncomfortable about the asymmetry in a relationship, when you feel like you know far more about your friend than your friend knows about you (though I've found this to be a lot worse in East Asia than South Asia, personally). Even after years of this stuff, I still struggle to make sense of it! The fact remains that, no matter how much you may think you 'know' about a culture, at the end of the day, your ability to understand what is really going on in people's minds is going to have severe limitations (of course, even in your own culture too). Anyway, just talk about yourself more, and see how it goes (though sometimes try leaving details hanging to see if it prompts followup questions). Good luck!
StanMusial Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I know a lot of Indian people due to my career in software and they don't know anything about "dating". They don't do that in India, for the most part. The topic has come up in discussions with them before. Most of the Indian women I ever met (non-westernized) are very demure, and would act the way you described. Honestly, I wouldn't know how to go about dating one, so although I sympathize with your plight there's not much in the way of advice I could give you LOL. Chalk it up to dating someone of a foreign culture.
truth_seeker Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I've been on 3 dates with this girl. Haven't kissed her yet, because I know she is very conservative. But at the same time she's fun and talkative, she talks a lot about herself, and she laughs at my jokes, and that's why I like her. But, she doesn't ask me many questions about myself and it's getting frustrating. I feel like I know so much about her but she doesn't know much about me. It sounds like she's not interested right? Well, then why has she gone out with me 3 times. I don't think she's in it for free meals. I only paid for one dinner so far, the other one she paid for. First one was just a coffee date which I paid for. She has also been adamant about wanting to pay for her fair share and all. She also keeps telling me "we should go try this and that restaurant out", "we should do this", "we should do that". So I don't know what the deal is. It seems like she's interested, but then it seems like she's not. She immigrated from an Eastern country (India) recently, so I don't know if the dating culture is different there and girls just act different or what. I really don't know. I don't know what to do. I like her, but I also want her to want to get to know me. Probably her personality. If she keeps wanting to go on dates, she obviously likes you. I would start to talk about yourself. Example: Today I went here as I'm volunteering for this in hopes of raising awareness. This means a lot to me. See how she responds. Maybe this will jump start a series of questions from her and you can take the lead from there. If she doesn't bite, you could always just ask her: Do you want to know anything about me?
candie13 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Well, you can crack a joke and say that she didn't ask anything about you or about your day. See how she reacts. IT all depends on how much attention you are used to getting versus offering, but it can be a deal breaker. I mean, if you make an observation, I am sure she will start to pay you more attention ... It's not about asking you questions or paying attention to you, it's about her caring about someone else's needs versus her own. IMO, that is a symptom of her character, not just a conversation skill that may or may not be improved. If you can live with that, fine. I've dated a person presenting the same signs. Cultured. Well traveled. Lots of jokes. Interesting conversation / monologue for sure, but "self centered" isn't a wide enough term to describe him. Open your eyes and ears large, going forward, you don't want to fall inlove with a person like that. Trust me. 1
truth_seeker Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 It's not about asking you questions or paying attention to you, it's about her caring about someone else's needs versus her own. IMO, that is a symptom of her character, not just a conversation skill that may or may not be improved. Open your eyes and ears large, going forward, you don't want to fall inlove with a person like that. Trust me. Great advice, Candie13! I know it can be disappointing to start to develop feelings for someone then discovering they're not who you were hoping they would be - I've been there. It's something you have to learn to shrug off and separate yourself from.
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