Time keeps on slipping slipping...

[Heart of the Desert]

Lately I have been meeting woman, going on two or three dates, having a grand old time. Some of them even tell me how much they are into me. Then they go on to tell me that it is not a good time in their life to date any one. Is this ever sincere? This keeps happening and I am a bit perplexed. I even had a woman tell me how great she thinks I am as she is breaking things off. I feel like a bit of a push over as I even called her back right after the conversation just to thank her for being straight forward, told her if she changes her mind she knows where to find me. I am feeling a bit discouraged. To me if someone is really that great and the timing is not quite right I would not just end things like that. Any thoughts?

[NoMoreJerks]

Lately I have been meeting woman, going on two or three dates, having a grand old time. Some of them even tell me how much they are into me. Then they go on to tell me that it is not a good time in their life to date any one. Is this ever sincere? This keeps happening and I am a bit perplexed. I even had a woman tell me how great she thinks I am as she is breaking things off. I feel like a bit of a push over as I even called her back right after the conversation just to thank her for being straight forward, told her if she changes her mind she knows where to find me. I am feeling a bit discouraged. To me if someone is really that great and the timing is not quite right I would not just end things like that. Any thoughts?

I don't know. Maybe some people use that as a standard line to turn down someone. But I know for a fact that if I say it, it's true. I just signed up on OLD recently, but only to test the waters, and I wasn't even sure if I was ready to date , because I was just out of a traumatic break-up/abusive relationship. But many women who say it might just be using it as a good let-down line. Who knows.

[NoMoreJerks]

I am sorry to say this but "it is not a good time in their life to date any one" is one of the most commonly used excuses used by girls/women. [Many of them can attest to that here]. Not sincere. [if it was, they wouldn't be actively dating and that 'revelation' wouldn't have come after 2-3 dates.]

Actually, not true in every case. I am dating a guy (already had 3 dates) and I told him that I wasn't sure if i should be dating right now, and had signed up on OLD (that's where I met him from)... I was being honest about it, but had signed up because I wanted to test the waters to see if I was ready. But I wasn't sure, even after meeting him. So I let him know.

[Heart of the Desert]

Into the future.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry now all I can hear is Steve Miller Band

 

Haha yea sorry about that. I just find it apropo as so many people seem to think they have more time than they do. I mean if you meet someone really great then there is not a moment to spare.

[Heart of the Desert]

Actually, not true in every case. I am dating a guy (already had 3 dates) and I told him that I wasn't sure if i should be dating right now, and had signed up on OLD (that's where I met him from)... I was being honest about it, but had signed up because I wanted to test the waters to see if I was ready. But I wasn't sure, even after meeting him. So I let him know.

 

Yea this last girl had just gotten out of a (4 month) relationship about a month before we met unexpectedly. Its not that she was actively dating, I am the first person she has been romantic with since her ex. Its just confusing because the whole time she was telling me how great I am and how unexpected the whole thing is, that she did not expect to just randomly meet someone so great. Then she broke things off. Says she is not over her ex. She is also leaving the country for three months in three months, so thats a factor but three months is a long time to get to know someone. I would like to believe she is being sincere but who knows.

 

If you are really that into someone and the timing feels wierd might as well just go slow but why break it off and ruin any chance you have of getting to know someone great. Maybe I am just being naive.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[NoMoreJerks]

Yea this last girl had just gotten out of a (4 month) relationship about a month before we met unexpectedly. Its not that she was actively dating, I am the first person she has been romantic with since her ex. Its just confusing because the whole time she was telling me how great I am and how unexpected the whole thing is, that she did not expect to just randomly meet someone so great. Then she broke things off. Says she is not over her ex. She is also leaving the country for three months in three months, so thats a factor but three months is a long time to get to know someone. I would like to believe she is being sincere but who knows.

 

If you are really that into someone and the timing feels wierd might as well just go slow but why break it off and ruin any chance you have of getting to know someone great. Maybe I am just being naive.

No, it's because sometimes we tend to get ahead of ourselves and think we're in control but then realize we're not and we panic. I had the same feelings recently and wanted to call it quits.

[Heart of the Desert]

No, it's because sometimes we tend to get ahead of ourselves and think we're in control but then realize we're not and we panic. I had the same feelings recently and wanted to call it quits.

 

Thanks. While there is some comfort in realizing that this could be the case, it is still dissipointing.

 

It is interesting to think about how many subconcious impulses shape our actions. Curious, did you call it quits or did you hang in there?

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks. While there is some comfort in realizing that this could be the case, it is still dissipointing.

 

It is interesting to think about how many subconcious impulses shape our actions. Curious, did you call it quits or did you hang in there?

I am going to call it quits, but I am going to do the fade-out, because he kinda flaked on me today / blew me off after saying we were gonna go out together tonight. I wanted to try not to give in to the temptation to call it quits, but he really made it too easy to give in, unfortunately.

[Heart of the Desert]

He was being flakey, how can you be sure he was not panicing because he realized he is not in control? Hey do what you gotta do, but if you found someone you like don't let one flakey day get in the way. Thats my two cents. Not that you asked for them. Then again, flakes are no fun I would probably do the same thing.

 

See this is what I wonder. Maybe she was resisting the urge to call it quits and then one thing I did (that I am unaware of) made it easy for her to find an excuse to do so and she gives me the "It's not the right time" line

 

It's really not a big deal in the end. I think I just needed to vent because I was dissipointed. Thanks for offering up some support though. I do appreciate it.

[NoMoreJerks]

well, as i stated, it's not just you in that sense, even if something you may have done may have pushed her over the edge. if she had been totally "there" , as in, totally ready to date, that one thing might not have been enough to push her to call it quits. I definitely didn't let a year of abuse from my ex push me away from him , because i was emotionally available at the time and loved him.

 

not saying that she really had issues in your situation, but in some cases, people don't just use that line as an easy let-down -- there's a real story behind it.

[MalachiX]

I don't know. Maybe some people use that as a standard line to turn down someone. But I know for a fact that if I say it, it's true. I just signed up on OLD recently, but only to test the waters, and I wasn't even sure if I was ready to date , because I was just out of a traumatic break-up/abusive relationship. But many women who say it might just be using it as a good let-down line. Who knows.

 

I think you're situation is more the exception than the rule. Yes, sometimes people start dating only to realize they aren't ready for it. Usually though, they give some indication of that during the whole dating process.

 

When two people are going out with no mention of it and suddenly, after a few dates, someone decides, "Hey, I don't think now is a good time for me to be dating," it's usually just a polite dismissal. You can tell because often they'll pop right back up on the same OLD site that you met.

 

It sucks but that's life.

[Heart of the Desert]

well, as i stated, it's not just you in that sense, even if something you may have done may have pushed her over the edge. if she had been totally "there" , as in, totally ready to date, that one thing might not have been enough to push her to call it quits. I definitely didn't let a year of abuse from my ex push me away from him , because i was emotionally available at the time and loved him.

 

not saying that she really had issues in your situation, but in some cases, people don't just use that line as an easy let-down -- there's a real story behind it.

 

I guess my question is, because this man flaked have you decided to not date at all any more, or just not date him specificaly? I guess I am just skeptical because I don't think it is as black and white as I am ready to date or not. There is alot of grey area. I don't think people are being intentionaly deceptive when they say they are not ready to date, but it is more emotionaly complex than that. They are probably unsure about how they feel towards you and rather than sitting with the ambiguity they decide to opt out. It easy to tell the other party (and ourselves) it is not the right time because there is some truth in that but it is not the whole picture at all. In reality it is still just dating regardless of timing. If you are really into someone to hell with the timing. If you are not sure then timing provides and easy backdoor out.

Also if someone tells me first thing when we start dating that they are not sure they are ready to date I would probably be somewhat flakey to proctect myself regardless of how much I was into the person. Kind of becomes a self fullfilling prophacy at that point. They say they are not sure they are ready to date, I act flakey because I don't want to get too invested in someone that isn't ready, they think I am a flake and see it as a good excuse not get invested. Not saying this is the case with this man you are seeing, he could just be a flake in general, but I say this to illustrate how these situations are a bit more complex than meets the eye.

 

What confuses me though is why someone would go on about how much they are into you only to backout. If you are not that into me thats fine, act amibiguous. Give me an accurate picture of what is happening so I can respond accordingly. But don't act like you are all about me telling me how unexecpected and amazing it is that we met, you feel such a connection with me and that is rare for you to find, getting my hopes up high that we have the potential for something special, only to dash those hopes soon after without much warning or reason behind it. Thats just misleading and unintentionaly hurtful. Its on me though for starting to invest at all after only three dates.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[NoMoreJerks]

I guess my question is, because this man flaked have you decided to not date at all any more, or just not date him specificaly?

Well, I was already unsure about dating. When he flaked, it just made me wonder if I should really be dating in the first place. Maybe I will try and see if I can meet someone else, but I will still be on two minds, most likely. But it's not because of flakiness. I wasn't sure even before he flaked out on me. Does that make sense?

 

I guess I am just skeptical because I don't think it is as black and white as I am ready to date or not. There is alot of grey area.

Well, yes, that's what I am trying to say: I am not sure I don't want to date, or that I want to date, but I want to give it a try, doesn't mean I might not pull back and decide maybe now is not such a great time, and then go back to it a few weeks later or whatever..

 

I am sure some people just use it as a standard line to turn down someone because it's a good cop-out line, so not everyone who says it means it. But there are those who do, and just cos you see her back on a dating site doesn't mean she's necessarily ready to date. Maybe the fact that she's not sure she should be dating means she has difficulty connecting with the people she goes out, and maybe that's what happens with her dates and that's why she says she 's not sure about dating. I think I am not very emotionally available at this point, so I am usually unsure about a guy , and that uncertainty continues into date 2, 3, etc. And if there are no sparks to begin with, that can make it worse.

 

In reality it is still just dating regardless of timing. If you are really into someone to hell with the timing.

I doubt that. When people like me talk about "timing" they're talking about not being in a good frame of mind / in a good place emotionally right now. So they might be struggling with things like letting their guard down, trusting, etc. Especially if you've been cheated on and have a lot of ex baggage.

 

Also if someone tells me first thing when we start dating that they are not sure they are ready to date I would probably be somewhat flakey to proctect myself regardless of how much I was into the person. Kind of becomes a self fullfilling prophacy at that point.

I like offering full disclosure, so I tend to say it after the first or second date , but not in a "i don't want to date you anymore" sort of way / as an excuse. Usually, they accept that and say we can take it slowly.

 

Sometimes, the reason people act like they're into you is because either theyre trying hard to be into you but aren't feeling it, or, they are into you but then get scared and back off. I know that sort of emotional rollercoaster/ fear of getting too close. Again, not saying everyone or most people who use that rejection line are necessarily really having some problems , most probably don't and just use it as a standard line to turn down someone they don't like, but some really are uncertain about themselves and where they are at emotionally. And when I have been in that frame of mind (as I currently am), i have wondered about how fair it is to the guy, if I am stringing him along, etc.

[ScreamingTrees]

If someone gave me a standard bs line, I'd just let them know that I wish them well, and a cheeky "see ya back on OLD in a week or so!" with a ... Just to **** with them, for the lulz. Nothing personal, just a passive aggressive way of calling them out on their passive aggressive let-down.

 

Having said that, could it be, OP, that the girl really wasn't intending to meet a good catch, and didn't want to lead you on, as she admitted that she was still totally hot for her ex? Could've easily been a cop-out, but if she could've gotten back with the guy, she might've tried, at the least. Either way, she wasn't interested, don't take it personally, her loss, move on with a smile.

[FemmeMystere]

Into the future.......

 

Sorry now all I can hear is Steve Miller Band

 

Seal did it better.

[Heart of the Desert]

Girls and their exit lies ...

Men are prone to exit lies as well, let's not be discriminatory.

[Heart of the Desert]

Hey NoMoreJerks. Thanks for the thoughful reply. You gave some honest insight into a scenario where the person who says they are not ready is realy being honest, and how it is not black or white and there is a lot of trepidition and ambiguity involved and that is exactly what makes it sincere as oposed to not. Also how in these scenarios it is less an ambiguity about the other person and more about ones own ability to truly open up to anybody as well as being able to inteligently determain who is a good partner for you or not. It is true not everyone who uses the line is being insincere, thought I would venture to say sincirity is the exception and not the rule.

Edited September 29, 2013 by Heart of the Desert

[MalachiX]

Men are prone to exit lies as well, let's not be discriminatory.

 

Indeed. No gender has a monopoly on treating potential mates badly. It's why I hate it whenever I hear someone say, "I hate how women do this..." or "I hate how guys only want this..."

[JourneyLady]

I don't know. Maybe some people use that as a standard line to turn down someone. But I know for a fact that if I say it, it's true. I just signed up on OLD recently, but only to test the waters, and I wasn't even sure if I was ready to date , because I was just out of a traumatic break-up/abusive relationship. But many women who say it might just be using it as a good let-down line. Who knows.

 

Same here... I'm pretty much out at this point.

 

And I did have to tell someone that, but we remain friends (he lives is another town, so the distance is daunting as well). And I really am not seeking to date anyone else. I -think- he can see by my Facebook activity that I am not going out anyway. He's an interesting person and I am fond of him, but right now I am just not ready to deal with the possible problems (distance, health, finances and most of all I'm not ready to start having sex with someone new yet!)

[NoMoreJerks]

I actually ended up deactivating my online dating profile anyway, not very long after saying that to someone i went out with on one date. In the meantime, between the time i told that guy that, and the time that i deactivated my OLD profile, i went out with someone else (on 3 dates), (you can read my own thread about it), and i gave him the disclaimer, he said we could go slowly, but i wasn't sure about the whole thing, was getting cold feet, etc., not sure if it was because of him or because i felt i wasnt ready, but anyway, he turned out to be a douche anyway -- so i think i am done trying to date . i already deactivated my dating profile after the first date i had with this guy, because i didnt want to meet new people and try dating more. still kept in touch with that guy , via phone and email, and he asked me out again so i thought what the hell, might as well give it a try.

 

anyway, i didn't end up telling this guy anything. i am just doing a fade-out on him because he does not deserve an explanation to begin with.