CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I'm new posting but I have been reading here for about a year. I have been in my EA/PA for a little over 2 years. In the beginning, MM called and texted multiple times a day and we had lengthy conversations about the A and our lives. I thought he was pretty honest with me about it. He would call me when he was out of town, Skype me, the whole bit. Fast forward to now. He can't text when his W is home because she has confronted him with suspicions about us a few times and he wants to be able to give her the phone to look at if she ever asks to see it. Ok, fine, i don't like it but I understand. He has gone away in the past for various reasons and not contacted me for days. He has been traveling for business a lot recently and has been out of contact. We have had quite a few discussions about how much I hate when he does that, especially after we have been physical, and after we talk about it he usually does call or text me regularly after that until the next time. Today I felt like I really had to tell him how I felt because he did it again, so I texted him, and in a nutshell, told him I thought he doesn't really care, that I'm last in line, maybe he had someone else and that I'm done with this s**t. It was very long winded and he was on the road so he said he'd read it later and should he call tomorrow to talk? He said we should end it because we are not well matched with what we want. I called bs and and said I just want what we had in the beginning and told him he didn't need to call me. I'm afraid he won't call and at the same time afraid he will because I don't want him to hear me fall apart because then he will have an inking of how strongly I feel about him. I'm also terrified that we are going to lose our friendship we agreed we would always maintain, even when we stopped the PA. I just don't understand why he can't keep in touch. I know he keeps in touch with everyone else in his life. Does anyone have any insight?
bentleychic Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 "Not well matched with what we want" = you're asking too much from him (in his thoughts) that he's not willing to give. Breadcrumbs. We settle for breadcrumbs and they think even that's asking too much! 4
Author CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 I don't ask ANYTHING from him except that he keep in contact every day during the week. It doesn't even have to be anything other than a hello if he's got a really busy day. The weekends he's with his W so most of the time I don't hear from him. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't/won't do it.
bentleychic Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Yep. Even that, to some MM, is asking too much. Silly to put up with that, isn't it? I know we'd demand more of single partners. (Mine has improved tremendously since the beginning or I wouldn't still be with him, I'll be honest. We generally talk on the phone 6 days a week on average now and text daily.) 1
cat Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I don't ask ANYTHING from him except that he keep in contact every day during the week. It doesn't even have to be anything other than a hello if he's got a really busy day. The weekends he's with his W so most of the time I don't hear from him. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't/won't do it. He doesn't do it because he doesn't love you and because there are no real consequences for his failure to contact you. You're still there. He's telling you to go away. He's telling you that he will never give you what you want. Many other women here would kill to hear that so clearly. Most of us have been told we're so loved and blah blah blah and we have to figure out for ourselves that it's not true. Not you-- you've been given a gift by him of his clear communication. Consider yourself lucky, stop any contact with him, and begin the job of healing and figuring out why you'd accept such crap in the first place. I'm really sorry for your pain. 7
AutumnMoon Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I don't ask ANYTHING from him except that he keep in contact every day during the week. It doesn't even have to be anything other than a hello if he's got a really busy day. The weekends he's with his W so most of the time I don't hear from him. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't/won't do it. It's not that he can't. It's that he won't .. It's easy to text at least something everyday, but the thing is.. Then it's a chore, it doesn't feel spontaneous, the rush disappears.. Without the rush its much more of a regular relationship, and he's got that at home. Not saying I haven't felt how you have.. I absolutely get it! But I get the other side of it too. 3
Speakingofwhich Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 That's tough, Celtic, I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was in an R with MM he did stay in contact with me a lot everyday, including weekends and treated me very well. I think, from what I read on here, he was an awesome MM as MMs go! But, even that wasn't enough for me. I realized I needed a normal (open) man/woman relationship so that we could be together at the times when couples should be together. In a way, you're really fortunate because with the way he treats you it seems it would make it easier to give him the boot. You think? No fun being treated like he's treating you. 5
Author CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) Thanks to all of you for your responses. cat, we have never discussed our feelings for each other, it's safer that way, but you're right, I don't believe he loves me "that way". He told me he loves and is in love with his wife. As for the going away part, we were planning on maintaining our friendship so I don't think he wants me to go away completely. I am fortunate in the sense that we keep it real and we didn't go the I love you, you're my soulmate route but it didn't minimize my feelings for him and it still hurts. AutumnMoon, we were friends so I don't know how much of a rush was involved but I totally get you on the chore part even though it didn't used to be a chore because in the beginning it wasn't like this. I guess all relationships start out with everyone on their best behavior though. Speaking, I know what you mean, there are so many times when I would like to be with him but he's home with his wife. Yes, you would think it would make it easy for me to give him the boot, and in a sense that's what I started with my text to him today, but I am going to miss him and I'm feeling sad. Edited September 29, 2013 by CelticHeart Typo
Author CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 Aspiring, I don't initiate contact and we do have fun when we are together. I'm not demanding he contact me, I have just pointed out to him that I don't like the way things have become as opposed to how they started.
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 He said we should end it because we are not well matched with what we want. I called bs and and said I just want what we had in the beginning and told him he didn't need to call me. This pretty much sums it up. He wants this affair simple, fun and easy. No drama, no freakouts and expectations. You want more than what he is willing to give. This why you feel bad, as well as him not making you a high priority also is a sign (sorry) that he is not 'in love' with you as you are with him. You're trying to build a 'relationship' with someone who is already sharing a life with someone else..his wife. What is it that you're really after here? For him to choose you over his wife? Spend more time with you? For him to treat you better? Decide what it is you want. Think long term..He is married (does he have children?) and has no intention of ending his marriage to be with you. You probably want children and a home, a life to share with someone. Unfortunately you will not get any of that if you stay with him. At least he's being honest with you and not giving you hope or false faking promises of a future. He wants an affair, you want more. That's the real issue here. But, if you are OK with being on the side, his OW, then just enjoy it for what it is and for however long it lasts. Don't put demands on him or tons of expectations. Yes he can and should respect you, rightfully so but do not allow yourself to become too dependent or attached to him. Live your life, don't put him first either as he isn't putting you high on his list, so why should you? 2
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Aspiring, I don't initiate contact and we do have fun when we are together. I'm not demanding he contact me, I have just pointed out to him that I don't like the way things have become as opposed to how they started. You can't go backwards and if this does actually end, the 'friendship' won't work as all it'll be is an emotional affair. He'll get his ego fed and you'll still be feeling in love with him, preventing you from letting go and you'll confuse his 'niceness' for something else, read into everything he says and does, make it about you. Friendships after an A do NOT work but maybe you'll have to figure that one out on your own, try it and see how painful it can be. Take time to really read other situations, from all sides of the triangle.
2sunny Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) He's no longer making the strong effort he was. He's told you he's not willing to change to consider your feelings. He's told you the two of you are mismatched. If you two were even SINGLE and dating - I'd tell you he's essentially broken it off but hasn't told you. He's basically ended it but you haven't accepted his changes - yet he most likely gets the sex from you as variety - and not many men will turn that down especially when they only need to make minimal effort to get that variety. The one who is short changed here is you. You want/expect more from a man you're seeing? Date someone who is available. If you're feeling used - it's only because YOU have ALLOWED it. Stop allowing it! Edited September 29, 2013 by 2sunny 2
whichwayisup Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I don't ask ANYTHING from him except that he keep in contact every day during the week. It doesn't even have to be anything other than a hello if he's got a really busy day. The weekends he's with his W so most of the time I don't hear from him. I just can't wrap my head around why he can't/won't do it. Because he doesn't want to. I'm not saying that to hurt you, it seems that expectation of wanting to hear from him daily isn't something he wants to do. This is probably another little thing that adds up to him feeling you two want two different things. He wants simple and non commitment, you want more than he's willing to give. Do you want to talk to all your friends and family daily? If not, then why put that on him? Sometimes people get busy, or they have bad moods, or just don't want to be social at all, with anybody. People need their space. Maybe he'd miss you more if you backed off and loosened your grip on him. He may be feeling suffocated. Time to focus on other things and people in your life, get busy, have fun with your friends. 3
Goodbye Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Speaking from experience, if he is not contacting you "while away on business," he isn't away on business. He is with his wife and doesn't want to get caught. 1
cat Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 As for the going away part, we were planning on maintaining our friendship so I don't think he wants me to go away completely. Your "friendship" will never be the same. I put "friendship" in quotes because anyone who doesn't admit the sticky nature of male/female friendships is in denial. People may respond to this and tell me about their "exceptions" to this rule but I have always maintained the following: 1) MOST male/female friendships are driven by (at least) one of the parties having romantic/sexual interest in the other party. It's like a mini-addiction. 2) It takes VERY mature, self-aware males and females to have a truly CLOSE friendship with someone of the opposite sex (assuming all are heterosexual) that doesn't cross lines. In my 35 years of life, I currently have ONE CLOSE male friend (emphasis on the CLOSE part) 3) Men and women can be "good friends" if one or both of them is partnered, within reasonable boundaries. For example, I consider the husbands of my best female friends to be my good friends, but the relationships are always buffered by my CLOSER friendships with their wives. It would be inappropriate and awkward for us, as friends, to do things alone. 4) If you're in a friendship that's driven by romantic interest/sexual tension, as I believe you were, the best way to ruin that is to quash the sexual tension/mystery. He's caught his prize. He's had the sex. That was the driving force behind the friendship, and now it's gone. He has no more motivation, nothing left to chase. Additionally, he has the worry that his marriage/life is going to blow up, so he has additional incentive to avoid you. I'm really sorry, and I'm not trying to be harsh, I know you're frustrated and probably feel cast aside. I don't believe he's coming back. I don't believe you ever were really friends or will be again. And yes, he may be trying to make you go away. I think you should let go of the outcome here, and of the desire to have him in your life. That way, if it happens again, you'll be pleasantly surprised. 2
Author CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 Pierre, I'm not rationalizing. I may be in love, but I never expressed that to him. I was simply stating that I was glad we didn't go down the "feelings" road. Whichwayisup, we are both married with children, however my marriage is basically over and we live together (in separate rooms) for financial reasons. The only thing I want is for it to be like it was when it started. I don't ever want him to leave his wife for me. As for the friendship, it remains to be seen whether I will be strong enough to deal with it but yes, I know, it doesn't work out for the most part. 2sunny, I agree, I am the one short changed and yes, I definitely allowed myself to be treated this way so it's completely my fault.
Author CelticHeart Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 There was a friendship before the A and I don't believe it was fueled by anything other than the fact that we really enjoyed each others company, just like any other friendship. I know it may not survive this and if it does, it won't be the same as it was. I do give him his space, I don't demand he contact me everyday, I just let him know I'd like to hear from him more often than not. I let him contact me because he has a more conventional job than I do and I don't want to interrupt his day. Lately though, there has been less communication and it makes unhappy, especially when we have been intimate then he walks out of my life for days without any contact. There have been plenty of times we have seen each other and we didn't have sex, so I don't believe that is the only reason he sticks around.
2sunny Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Pierre, I'm not rationalizing. I may be in love, but I never expressed that to him. I was simply stating that I was glad we didn't go down the "feelings" road. Whichwayisup, we are both married with children, however my marriage is basically over and we live together (in separate rooms) for financial reasons. The only thing I want is for it to be like it was when it started. I don't ever want him to leave his wife for me. As for the friendship, it remains to be seen whether I will be strong enough to deal with it but yes, I know, it doesn't work out for the most part. 2sunny, I agree, I am the one short changed and yes, I definitely allowed myself to be treated this way so it's completely my fault. You want it that way - but he's allowed you to understand he's NOT doing it your way. Why beg for something he has no intention of providing you? Why not end it?
2sure Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 You know that he could easily text you at least once very single day to say hello and delete it. Or get a track phone for 50.00 like most MM do, just for texting you. But he doesn't want to text you every day. That's all. When you told him you wanted him to , he said you and he wanted different things. Youre going to have to be OK with his terms , really OK with them or you're going to have to accept its over on your own terms. 1
KentuckyGent Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 I'm new posting but I have been reading here for about a year. I have been in my EA/PA for a little over 2 years. In the beginning, MM called and texted multiple times a day and we had lengthy conversations about the A and our lives. I thought he was pretty honest with me about it. He would call me when he was out of town, Skype me, the whole bit. Fast forward to now. He can't text when his W is home because she has confronted him with suspicions about us a few times and he wants to be able to give her the phone to look at if she ever asks to see it. Ok, fine, i don't like it but I understand. He has gone away in the past for various reasons and not contacted me for days. He has been traveling for business a lot recently and has been out of contact. We have had quite a few discussions about how much I hate when he does that, especially after we have been physical, and after we talk about it he usually does call or text me regularly after that until the next time. Today I felt like I really had to tell him how I felt because he did it again, so I texted him, and in a nutshell, told him I thought he doesn't really care, that I'm last in line, maybe he had someone else and that I'm done with this s**t. It was very long winded and he was on the road so he said he'd read it later and should he call tomorrow to talk? He said we should end it because we are not well matched with what we want. I called bs and and said I just want what we had in the beginning and told him he didn't need to call me. I'm afraid he won't call and at the same time afraid he will because I don't want him to hear me fall apart because then he will have an inking of how strongly I feel about him. I'm also terrified that we are going to lose our friendship we agreed we would always maintain, even when we stopped the PA. I just don't understand why he can't keep in touch. I know he keeps in touch with everyone else in his life. Does anyone have any insight? You can't be friends and, yes, he was/is using you. You are not going to have what you had in the beginning. The lack of communication by him is by design. You have to go NC to move on; it's the only way.
KentuckyGent Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 You can't go backwards and if this does actually end, the 'friendship' won't work as all it'll be is an emotional affair. He'll get his ego fed and you'll still be feeling in love with him, preventing you from letting go and you'll confuse his 'niceness' for something else, read into everything he says and does, make it about you. Friendships after an A do NOT work but maybe you'll have to figure that one out on your own, try it and see how painful it can be. Take time to really read other situations, from all sides of the triangle. This is absolutely 100% accurate. You can never, ever, ever go backwards. Find another friend. He's not it. 1
Author CelticHeart Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Thanks to all of you for your insight. I have a lot to think about. Lisa, yes, I do want more of a relationship affair and that's how it started out, (or so it seemed) or I never would have gotten involved in the first place. I guess I took the bait of his attentiveness and he reeled me in then gradually backed off. As for his wife, I knew he loved her but didn't know he was "in love" with her until he stated that about a year into the A. In the beginning, just from snippets of conversations we had about their relationship, (we didn't talk about it much), I thought they were having some problems in their marriage. I don't think he'll be back when he wants some, he has his wife for that and they do have sex.
crederer Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 This sounds like a wonderful relationship. I can see why you'd want to have an affair with this man.
2sunny Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 What is attractive about forcing any man to contact you? That should have been the first clue that he wasn't interested anymore. Why don't you want more for yourself than the crappy crumbs he tosses you once in a while? Never settle.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 The only thing I want is for it to be like it was when it started It can't be. Things have changed and you need to accept that and roll with the punches, go with the flow. You and your H may be living in separate rooms but do you go on a family outings together and live life? Talk and hang out? or is it he's always in one room and you're in another and you two avoid each other completely? If he found about your A, how would he feel? Does he consider you two 'married' but living separate lives or sleeping in different rooms but still "married". Hope that makes sense.
Recommended Posts