Vinsanity1307 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 As usual here is my story...Comments appreciated. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years So As I stated in the story my ex drove to and from Maine to see me 3 times while I was on vacation just days before she dumped me. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around this. I read that the ex contemplates breaking up for weeks (and checks out during that time as well) so if she was really checking out of the relationship why would she of done this? I never asked for her to do so... she willingly did so on her own to see me. And when she was up there we had a really great intimate time together it was honeymoon phase all over... So how can this just be turned off in a day or 2? Like I said in my original story her life was a mess with no job really for the past 3 years, off and on with cars (repoed,break down), off and on with her cell phone being shut off. Rercently she just became an EMT and got stuff together that was the big change.. Was I just used and during this time as well?
KatZee Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Love doesn't just switch off overnight, you're right. People check out for weeks/months. She also spent 5 years with you. She may not have been in love with you anymore, but spend that many years with someone and you come to care for them deeply. So it's not crazy to hear that she visited you while you were on vacation. I wouldn't say you were being "used" but perhaps she was giving it one last shot to see if it was worth holding on to. In the end, the answer was no. Years ago I ended a relationship of two+ years. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't want to be with him but I wasn't a complete a.sshole. When I broke up with him he too was confused and thought it was an overnight thing. It wasn't. He begged and pleaded saying that he knew I loved him because of things I had done, my actions. That wasn't the case. I cared for him but not on the level to be with him anymore. 1
Stealth3 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 -She met someone else.... -She asked all of her friends and coworkers wtf to do and thats what happens when you ask everybody and their mom what to do. They all convinced her that grass is greener on the other side. -She was in a mess and needed you but doesn't anymore. -She thought you would leave her since she was previously married and has kids....and she had to leave you first. Probably talked about it to everybody and their mom and they all agreed. Nothing was turned off, she used you from the very beginning. People do that. Most likely she met a guy with more money who can take care of her and her kids who is older and she wouldn't have to worry about him leaving. Just forget about her, stop being stuck in the past. This is a classical story of being used. 1
Stealth3 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Love doesn't just switch off overnight, you're right. People check out for weeks/months. She also spent 5 years with you. She may not have been in love with you anymore, but spend that many years with someone and you come to care for them deeply. So it's not crazy to hear that she visited you while you were on vacation. I wouldn't say you were being "used" but perhaps she was giving it one last shot to see if it was worth holding on to. In the end, the answer was no. Years ago I ended a relationship of two+ years. I wasn't in love with him, I didn't want to be with him but I wasn't a complete a.sshole. When I broke up with him he too was confused and thought it was an overnight thing. It wasn't. He begged and pleaded saying that he knew I loved him because of things I had done, my actions. That wasn't the case. I cared for him but not on the level to be with him anymore. Katzee, did you have any regrets later on? Was grass greener on the other side?
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 But I dont understand why? Wouldnt you want the young guy with no baggage. Who accepted you for who you were . Who was there during the "rough" points in your life? Isnt that worth keeping around. I am not perfect by any means . But at the end of the day the person that stuck around through thick and thin isnt that worth it?
KatZee Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Katzee, did you have any regrets later on? Was grass greener on the other side? Nope. Not one. I knew I needed to be out of that relationship. I wound up dating someone else for the next three years. That relationship ultimately fell apart as well, but I don't regret leaving my ex. He deserved to find someone truly into him. I wasn't that person. 1
KatZee Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 But I dont understand why? Wouldnt you want the young guy with no baggage. Who accepted you for who you were . Who was there during the "rough" points in your life? Isnt that worth keeping around. I am not perfect by any means . But at the end of the day the person that stuck around through thick and thin isnt that worth it? It's worth it to you because you're in love with her. When I dumped my ex, he wasn't worth sticking with. He had accepted me, was there for me, stuck with me... it didn't matter. I wasn't in love with him. I felt trapped, not loved. It's very hard to force feelings that aren't there or that are no longer there.
JDPT Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 But I dont understand why? Wouldnt you want the young guy with no baggage. Who accepted you for who you were . Who was there during the "rough" points in your life? Isnt that worth keeping around. I am not perfect by any means . But at the end of the day the person that stuck around through thick and thin isnt that worth it? I was in your exact same predicament. I dated someone for over 4 years, she was 9 years older than me with 4 kids. I literally held her hand and was there for her 110% through the most difficult moments in her life (I thought) and in returned I get dumped. I needed to be indemnified and immediately. I was beyond furious for being paid back this way. However, one thing I learned is to not dwell on whether I was used or not. Things happened for a reason and it's time to let go off the past. There is no reward for all your hard work during the relationship just walk away with the lesson your learned from this experience.
Never Again Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Many times, a dumper will continue going through the motions because they either feel guilty, are trying to figure out how they feel, or are too attached to do otherwise. People grow and change, and sometimes the love you had just can't be sustained. However, many times it's simply a lack of openness and understanding. I cannot tell you how many of my friends have ended relationships because they weren't "in love" anymore. They'd sit around for awhile, pretending everything was okay, and all the while they'd be waiting for the problem to fix itself...and when it didn't, they left. It took a long time for some of them to "get it", and some of them still don't. Falling "in love" is that spark, that chemistry that brings people together, but it can't last forever. It waxes and wanes, has peaks and valleys. It's an energy that is incredible, but needs to rest and recharge sometimes, and "in love" temporarily fades into just "love". Sometimes it rests and never comes back, but more often than not it could with a little work. Many don't understand this. They assume that faded passion/romance/interest means a relationship is over. They watch the proverbial pot, and it never boils. By being so neurotic about it, they inadvertently close themselves off to the feeling they're looking for...mostly because they're too busy waiting to "just feel it" instead of embracing the situations that could evoke those feelings. Many think that they'll find "the one" - someone who will capture their interest forever, easily and with no work. It'll be hot, romantic and passionate all the time, with no fading or adjustments. These people either learn, or jump from relationship to relationship, leaving heartache in their wake. 3
Salvatore85 Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 My ex called her mom balling crying, telling her I was the one, she was going to marry me and be the mother of my children...a month later she dumped me and said she didn't see a future with me. So yeah people have absolutely no idea what in the hell they want lol
Author Vinsanity1307 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 Pfenixphire Its interesting what you said...Cause if you read my story i explain in it my ex was a horrible gf when together in the first 2 years. And she did god awful stuff to me. Anyways after her leaving me then us getting back to together in 2010 i noticed she didnt change. So I dumped her. Long story short I continued to see her and I cant even tell you how long the in love was gone..I resented her and was scared for the horrible horrible things she did.....I would even cringe when she would touch me (ie,hold hands lay on me ext) for a while but I didnt give up on it or inform her of this. All I knew is I loved her..So she showed she changed and that the "bad" gf she once was with me was no longer her. And guess what after patience and time the in love came sprawling back. So i dunno just a little fact to support your theory thanks for the reply. Just sucks she gave up so easily when her **** was together.
Neffer Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 It doesn't get switched off, it is just switched off for a while and they keep it to themselves. This. They have to sort it out for themselves and that takes time. Its not that she was using you, didn't care, etc. Its just that she was mentally coming to terms with it. Seeing if it was true. Nothing happens overnight. It hurts, but some relationships don't continue. Feelings fade or change. Its not fun on either side, but the person left has had less time to live with it, accept it. So to you its a surprise blow. For her its the conclusion to a long private conversation with her heart. I have been on both sides of it, and though it does give you an understanding of it - its still painful.
mane Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 It took a long time for some of them to "get it", and some of them still don't. Falling "in love" is that spark, that chemistry that brings people together, but it can't last forever. It waxes and wanes, has peaks and valleys. It's an energy that is incredible, but needs to rest and recharge sometimes, and "in love" temporarily fades into just "love". Sometimes it rests and never comes back, but more often than not it could with a little work. Many don't understand this. They assume that faded passion/romance/interest means a relationship is over. They watch the proverbial pot, and it never boils. By being so neurotic about it, they inadvertently close themselves off to the feeling they're looking for...mostly because they're too busy waiting to "just feel it" instead of embracing the situations that could evoke those feelings. Many think that they'll find "the one" - someone who will capture their interest forever, easily and with no work. It'll be hot, romantic and passionate all the time, with no fading or adjustments. These people either learn, or jump from relationship to relationship, leaving heartache in their wake. I think that's exactly what happened to my relationship. She wasn't abusive and was the nicest girl I ever knew. I'll probably find another but I do sometimes wish she would try to regain that spark with me.
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