What is the dumper's mindset if they come back for a second chance?

[BC1980]

This surprised me. When I read your posts about why you're in NC you sound confident and over him, I don't expect to see you worried about settling for anything.

 

I am okay for the most part, but I have had moments of weakness when I loose objectivity. I am worried that if I see him, it will bring back all the memories, ect. You just don't know how you will react to seeing someone and spending time with them again. It's too fragile at this point. I think there is still a part of me that wants to be with him again, even though the rational side realizes it would be a disaster to see him at this point.

 

Worse even- what if he only wanted to get back together due being lonely or feeling he may never find anyone else? What if he settled with me? I would hate to think someone married me for those reasons.

 

He is a very duty oriented person, so divorce is not an option for him. He would stay married to someone because "it's the right thing to do." I couldn't stand being married to a man who stayed with me out of duty. The more I talk about him, the worse the whole situation sounds:rolleyes:

[melell]

I am looking for some perspective on this. My ex and I were together for 8 years. I am 26, he is 27.

 

We had nc for three months. He was cold with me when he left, and distant, and using drink/drug heavily.

 

A few days ago I got a call from him, I answered, and I still don't understand it. I have really gotten past all the hurt etc. Feeling longing still, but otherwise comfortable with my life.

 

In this phone call he tried to explain why he hadn't contacted me, and was very sorry about it. He said he wasn't having a good time, and he never expected to. He hoped I didn't think he was out chasing other people. He asked me a lot of questions about my life, and asked if I would go to dinner with him.

 

I was calm, pleasant, and non emotional during this conversation. I ended the call and he said 'it was really really good to get to talk to you, I have thought of you constantly'.

 

Start contrast from the way he was when he left.

 

Any thoughts on what was going through his mind?

The conversation really took me off guard. I would not have answered had I recognized the number.

[lindsay1990]

Melell, sounds like GIGS to a certain degree. Who knows what's on his mind, so far, he just wanted to check up and was maybe feeling guilty and called to apologize. That much you know because he said it. Don't try to read any more into it. If he wants you to know something else, he will tell you.

 

 

 

Lylat,

 

I've been trying to reminisce a bit about the times I was the dumper and DAYUM. There was no way I would have gone back to my exes. Especially, as I implemented No Contact towards them. This is the key feature I remember from 5 and 2.5 years back: ignoring calls on my cell phone. And when I would get text messages, sometimes I got nasty saying to leave me alone and then just started ignoring.

 

In both these cases, I had HONESTLY moved on within the month and was seeing/pining over other crushes and people. In NEITHER of these cases did I ever look back, and even thinking of when 4, 5, 6 months had gone by... then 8 months after BUs, it was like 5 years had passed. This is honestly how I felt.

 

When I broke up and stopped engaging in the arguments about what could have, should have, had been done... I was dead inside towards my exes. It had been the fighting that did me in. I suspect strongly that this is where my recent ex is at now. I shudder just thinking at how disconnected I was.

 

And to think I dumped him first.Ugh.This whole mess was me pleading to be taken back for those 23 days. Should have kept going when I was on that role. Or I don't know. I have no idea what I was thinking then. Maybe he's right. Maybe I do have BPD. Who knows anything now? Ha.

[Polak]

In NEITHER of these cases did I ever look back, and even thinking of when 4, 5, 6 months had gone by... then 8 months after BUs, it was like 5 years had passed.

 

That's what makes it so great to let go and focus on yourself in those situations. Time does that crazy illusion where it feels like forever since your last breakup, even when in reality it wasn't that long ago.

[holly12345]

Well if you want a reconciliation being friends is the worst way to go about it based on my opinion and virtually everything else I have heard or read. At its most basic, he needs to see you as a partner (a crappy partner, the partner he hates or the partner that got away and wants back) but always as a romantic partner. If you play the friends card, he WILL see you as a friend.

 

Like I say, I don't feel it will lead to reconciliation any more. I'll take second best and go for friendship because he's not a horrible guy and the thought of never seeing him again is more frightening than just being friends.

 

I have to make the decision to move on, like he has. If we're both in love, yet trying to move on while remaining friends, is there really a bad outcome?

[BC1980]

Like I say, I don't feel it will lead to reconciliation any more. I'll take second best and go for friendship because he's not a horrible guy and the thought of never seeing him again is more frightening than just being friends.

 

I have to make the decision to move on, like he has. If we're both in love, yet trying to move on while remaining friends, is there really a bad outcome?

 

Regardless of what you think right now, it's going to be much worse to attempt a friendship than to never see him again. There's a reason that virtually everyone recommend completely cutting ties with an ex. You will see with time how bad of an idea this is.

[lindsay1990]

Polak, to be fair, in the first case 5 years ago I dumped but a couple of months after already reconciling with my ex. We had dated around 9 months before me moving town for school, and two months in LDR he dumped ME. Turns out he had some gigs and a girl he liked but didn't work out. The catch is that for over a month he would call me and ask me back wiithout knowing I was snooping around one of his social networking sites and was at the same time seeing him come on to this girl -whilst calling me to cry. A month after we reconciled and came clean, though I never recovered trust-wise (at the end of the day I felt he hadn't told Me but had been caught) and also felt he came back just as a back-up. We're friendly now and he swears up and down it wasn't the case but yeah, in unraveled quickly and two weeks after BU I was majorly crushing on a new guy/new bf. Maybe though, I was already 3-4 months in the making, after all we had broken up for a whole month, so maybe this corresponds anyway to why they say dumpers are checked out.

 

Second guy, pretty much I found out he had been Involved with one of colleagues when first started going out/became steady. He said last contact had been " a kiss" when we were together like 1 week but at 4 months on, I cut my losses and dumped. Also, I didn't believe him. Again never looked back, this was the dude I got nasty with over text.

 

So both these break-up were super "easy" on me. But also there were very clear-cut, typical trust-breaking circumstances so ya know. With the first one I did try though, I thought we could recover but he handled so wrong.

 

 

Holly,

 

Personally I don't see anything wrong at all with wanting to be friends, you like him and care about him and friends is a good option for this BUT you don't have to switch right to friend mode, no matter how sad or lonely he might get at this point.

 

I think it is best to go NC for a couple of months and then be friendly and take in from there. If you are going to fall back In love together or If you are to become best friends, it Will happen regardless of the contact right now. Imho contact now Will only confuse and hurt your feelings, no matter what you are thinking in your head - feelings don't know better

[lylat333]

Thanks for sharing more lindsay, otherwise I would have taken your other post a lot differently about never looking back. I thought maybe it has to do more with what kind of person the dumper is, but I think it has to do more with circumstances. You did have very clear reasons for dumping so I totally get why you never reconsidered.

 

I think the same way as BC1980... I think settling for friendship with someone you have strong feelings for is a really, really bad idea. I guess others feel different but it's likely you're going to see them move on and feeling you were just an option is too painful.

[BC1980]

Like I say, I don't feel it will lead to reconciliation any more. I'll take second best and go for friendship because he's not a horrible guy and the thought of never seeing him again is more frightening than just being friends.

 

I have to make the decision to move on, like he has. If we're both in love, yet trying to move on while remaining friends, is there really a bad outcome?

 

Another poster recommended this website, and I found a post that might help you about setting boundaries post breakup. Pretty much everyone on this forum should read this post. It really helped me reinforce why I am doing NC.

 

 

10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Mariposa10]

Another poster recommended this website, and I found a post that might help you about setting boundaries post breakup. Pretty much everyone on this forum should read this post. It really helped me reinforce why I am doing NC.

 

 

10 Core Breakup Boundaries That Every Person Should Live By | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

 

Highly recommended!! I was not 100% sure of NC, but now that's changing. I always thought it depended on the relationship etc... But now I don't know.

 

I wish I had gone NC sooner, but then knowing myself I don't think I could've done it... But when I was able to do it, I knew I would stick to it. I feel waaaaaaay better now!!!

 

Btw, my ex's birthday is coming this weekend, I hope he's expecting me to send him a happy birthday email or text BECAUSE I'M NOT SENDING HIM ANYTHING!!!! I'll be hanging out with friends, having fun.... Or maybe I should stay home, I'm afraid of running into him and his **** buddy... I'm not ready for that yet....

[lylat333]

Wow, BC1980, talk about the definitive read for why to go NC. That tops the NC guide I read when I first found LS. I wish I read it the night my ex began to ignore me.

 

I can reiterate from the perspective of the dumper that continuing to hang around and hoping the dumper has a change of heart is a losing strategy. I look back and remember how when my first ex continued to fight even after I was totally rejecting her, it is sickening how it caused me to lose respect for her, someone that I loved so much. You think the person loves you so they neediness will be positive, but no.

 

She's right, the other person has given up on you, it is fruitless to continue to invest any effort in hoping to turn it around, the ball is 100% in the dumper's court. The line, "pitch yourself and the relationship like a used car salesman" hit home because that's how I felt during the last phone call with my ex. Trying to get her to hear me out one last time. I thought I nailed my spiel about why the breakup was a mistake. Her response was... "are you done?" ;_; Knife to the heart.

 

Definitely storing that link away for future reference.

 

Mariposa, hell no you're not sending him anything and you do what's best for you! If you don't want to run into them that is a very positive choice for you.

[BC1980]

Highly recommended!! I was not 100% sure of NC, but now that's changing. I always thought it depended on the relationship etc... But now I don't know.

 

I wish I had gone NC sooner, but then knowing myself I don't think I could've done it... But when I was able to do it, I knew I would stick to it. I feel waaaaaaay better now!!!

 

Btw, my ex's birthday is coming this weekend, I hope he's expecting me to send him a happy birthday email or text BECAUSE I'M NOT SENDING HIM ANYTHING!!!! I'll be hanging out with friends, having fun.... Or maybe I should stay home, I'm afraid of running into him and his **** buddy... I'm not ready for that yet....

 

I can't believe I considered trying to be friends with my ex right after we broke up. He was offering friendship to alleviate his own guilt.

[BC1980]

She's right, the other person has given up on you, it is fruitless to continue to invest any effort in hoping to turn it around, the ball is 100% in the dumper's court. The line, "pitch yourself and the relationship like a used car salesman" hit home because that's how I felt during the last phone call with my ex. Trying to get her to hear me out one last time. I thought I nailed my spiel about why the breakup was a mistake. Her response was... "are you done?" ;_; Knife to the heart.

 

I did the same thing and "pitched" the relationship, and I'm so embarrassed by my actions now. I wrote this long email defining what I thought our problems were and stating how we could fix them. His response was, "thank you for these thoughts. I didn't know you felt that way." I'm thinking, don't you have more to say? I just couldn't wrap my mind around his actions, but he had made his decision.

 

I'm definitely bookmarking that website to remind me when I start to have those little doubts that creep in.

[Mariposa10]

I can't believe I considered trying to be friends with my ex right after we broke up. He was offering friendship to alleviate his own guilt.

 

 

Same here, that's why I take so much comfort in knowing I took that away from my ex. I remember when I sent him a text telling me we were not gonna be friends forever just like he wanted, he called me as soon as he had his lunch breaking sounding desperate telling me how much he loved me and he ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ABLE to talk to me, to keep in touch. Now he's lost his best friend (who was me) his other close friends are out of state, so he only has a couple of close friends left now.

 

I stayed friends with my ex to be honest because I was expecting a miracle, which of course did not happen. Anyway, all those months when I couldn't eat, had sleeping problems, cried all the time are gone, but thanks to that, I have zero compassion towards him and that's how I will stick to NC.

 

That article you posted (I read all the parts) made me understand how when I stayed friends with him I was still thinking of me and him as "us." Which is really sad, and pathetic, because obviously he wasn't thinking like that. For him there was no "us" anymore. Also, how NC is NOT immature at all, which I kind of thought it was, but it's not at all. While I was still in contact with dildo face many times I had to pretend I was doing fine because god forbid I put pressure on him!!! I also loved how that article explains how NC gives you some dignity back, aaah finally!!

 

Now I'm only focusing on myself. I don't care if he doesn't have many friends left. He will now have to suffer the consequences of his actions.

[Mariposa10]

I did the same thing and "pitched" the relationship, and I'm so embarrassed by my actions now. I wrote this long email defining what I thought our problems were and stating how we could fix them. His response was, "thank you for these thoughts. I didn't know you felt that way." I'm thinking, don't you have more to say? I just couldn't wrap my mind around his actions, but he had made his decision.

 

I'm definitely bookmarking that website to remind me when I start to have those little doubts that creep in.

 

 

I did the same thing!! I sent him a super long email. Dildo face answered almost the same way, thanking me but nothing more...

 

Don't feel bad, we're humans, after all this was a 3 year relationship. You did your best, you tried, you didn't let your pride prevent you from trying.

[lindsay1990]

I did these things too, BC1980 and Mariposa10! Specially the pitching. I feel sorry for myself. Ugh. The good news is we are informed now and won't make these mistakes, let's hope in the future there are no more break ups though ha

 

 

Anyway, Natalie Lue is GREAT, I have her 3 books on my Kindle (Mr. Unavailable... Dreamer & Fantasy Relationship... No Contact) They are fantastic. It was a huge eye opener. I think the only good thing was that I read them in the 10 days before my ex broke NC so like BC9180 said, that is why I was aware of what he was after (though subconsciously) by sending breadcrumbs so I snapped back and refused to alleviate his guilt.

[JoelBarish]

Yesterday I posted how I thought this was a great thread. I thought this was a well thought out discussion and I found it enlightening to see what might be going on from the dumper's point of view.

 

Then today I saw my ex with someone else. Now I look at this thread and I realize that I liked this discussion because I was still carrying hope that my ex and I would get back together.

 

So now I have a sincere question for you guys. If your ex was already seeing someone else or possibly cheated on you before dumping you, would you care what their mindset was? I'm not trying to be a dick, I am really curious about your opinions.

[ponchsox]

Immediately after I was dumped I would have jumped at the chance if she wanted me back. Now I've had time to reflect, there is no way I would go back and get hurt again. I'd rather take a chance on finding love elsewhere.

[NoMoreJerks]

I did these things too, BC1980 and Mariposa10! Specially the pitching. I feel sorry for myself. Ugh. The good news is we are informed now and won't make these mistakes, let's hope in the future there are no more break ups though ha

 

 

Anyway, Natalie Lue is GREAT, I have her 3 books on my Kindle (Mr. Unavailable... Dreamer & Fantasy Relationship... No Contact) They are fantastic. It was a huge eye opener. I think the only good thing was that I read them in the 10 days before my ex broke NC so like BC9180 said, that is why I was aware of what he was after (though subconsciously) by sending breadcrumbs so I snapped back and refused to alleviate his guilt.

That website (and LS) helped me immensely with my multiple break-ups with my ex, and to finally wake up and end thigns with that narcissistic jerk for good. I actually post there as well.

[NoMoreJerks]

Btw, my ex's birthday is coming this weekend, I hope he's expecting me to send him a happy birthday email or text BECAUSE I'M NOT SENDING HIM ANYTHING!!!! I'll be hanging out with friends, having fun.... Or maybe I should stay home, I'm afraid of running into him and his **** buddy... I'm not ready for that yet....

lol, I know that feeling. I wanted the same thing -- I wanted him to expect me to text him on his birthday (2 months ago), and I know that he was expecting me to do it. And I didn't. He texted me 10 days later, asking me how things were, saying that he didn't mean to hurt me. lol. I didn't reply to that either. Sweet relief.

[lindsay1990]

Yesterday I posted how I thought this was a great thread. I thought this was a well thought out discussion and I found it enlightening to see what might be going on from the dumper's point of view.

 

Then today I saw my ex with someone else. Now I look at this thread and I realize that I liked this discussion because I was still carrying hope that my ex and I would get back together.

 

So now I have a sincere question for you guys. If your ex was already seeing someone else or possibly cheated on you before dumping you, would you care what their mindset was? I'm not trying to be a dick, I am really curious about your opinions.

 

 

Hey Joel, first of all I'm sorry you got to see that. I know it's such a cliché but at least now you know, and like I read someone else say somewhere on here: "Hope? HOPE KILLS." Be glad you lost it.

 

I myself never had hope of actually getting back together with my ex, and because of myself entirely. The reason is that during BU (and on previous fights before) he had the horrible habit of running to his parents and siblings and even friends with our problems, so when relationship imploded I was shut out from his thoughts except for day-in day-out hearing how evil, abusive, crazy, messed up, destructive was... and how everybody thought the same. So, I could just never face his people again. Once when we were discussing reconciliation I actually told him I would only go back if his friends and family suddenly died, ha. Not wishing them death obviously, but I really did not want to be part of this world any more. As many faults as I had and as hurtful immaturities as I subjected him to (breaking up impulsively and name-calling when he would hurt my feelings and go hours or a day without apologizing), at the end of the day, we had a problem of incompatibilities and I believe nobody had to be villainized. For what its worth, he would shout at me and discredit me (call me irrational) sometimes - I think we dealt each other evenly! - but I neeeeveeeer ran to the people in my life because I didn't want to roll over on him and then reconcile and have him feel, well, like I felt. You get my point, ha. Basically, as many mistakes as I made in the RS, I am not a b*tch or an abuser or an evil woman (I never set out to hurt him and in no way felt better or vindicated when I did by fruit of my own shortcomings) and I refused to live a life in which I was forced to play that role.

 

Sorry for rambling but no, never hoped to reconcile. But I DID hope for him to regret (though in my brain I know he won't). This is why I did what I could to lose this hope: sent him PACKING when he mailed me breadcrumbs, and replied harshly to make sure he knew he wasn't welcome to write me. Not to mention planting rumour that I am happy with new guy and not bothered at all by ex, complete with fake FB relationship status. Petty, but I needed to NOT wait for him.

 

3. My ex is probably seeing someone now. I figure as much because he deleted his FB (before I changed to my bogus status) and he wouldn't do that, so I feel he is still guilty and trying to protect me somehow. Not be too much of a callous as* anymore. (He's been enough).

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but you and I are about same time NC right? Or am I confusing timelines?

 

Again, sorry for the blindside. We're here for ya

[NoMoreJerks]

If your ex was already seeing someone else or possibly cheated on you before dumping you, would you care what their mindset was?

I am not sure what you mean by whether or not we'd care what their mindset was. I assume you are talking about them coming back and then cheating on you/ dumping you , and whether we'd care to find out what their mindset was for coming back at the time, after we find out they had been seeing someone? Or what? Sorry, I just don't get it? I haven't read the entire thread, granted.

 

Anyway, my ex dumped me several times, then came back for more, and then I found out he cheated on me. I don't want to get him back, and I am disgusted by this man , and I wouldn't really be bothered at all if I saw him with another person, because I know they will go through the same sh*t with him, he's just a sh*tty person (and no, not everyone who dumps someone is sh*tty necessarily -- my ex was an abusive jerk and a creep who bordered on pedophilia). Anyway, I was curious as to why he even came back after dumping me several times and cheated on me -- even after things ended between us for good. I don't have clear-cut answers to that, but I think he just came back because he was trying / hoping he could get me to do a threesome with him (and another girl).

Edited October 5, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[lindsay1990]

That website (and LS) helped me immensely with my multiple break-ups with my ex, and to finally wake up and end thigns with that narcissistic jerk for good. I actually post there as well.

 

I only came upon Baggage Reclaim after reading the books. I literally purchased over $250 worth of e-books on Amazon in the aftermath. Not just about break up but also about abuse, because I was called abusive soooooooo much. Also about personality disorders because my ex and his mother decided I "had BPD" and I had never heard of these things before. I was badly guilt-tripped for everything that went wrong in the RS and I thought maybe I *had* destroyed. Btw, I have since been to a psychologist several times and she gave me clean-bill of mental health so far, although I *was* very impulsive when I was mad (hanging up phone, breaking up, etc.) and mean. But not enough in quality or quantity (pattern I guess?) to label me as they labelled me. Aaaaanyway, I bought every suggested and "customers also bought" book on these topics, and Lue's NC guide was one of my favourites. It's scary to think we went without all of this before, I'm just happy I started learning more about relationships and myself, because I have many flaws and this introspection is the good thing to come of this - I can only hope my ex is doing the same for himself, instead of blaming me for 95% of everything. Unlikely though. As we would say on BR: the as*clown!

[NoMoreJerks]

I only came upon Baggage Reclaim after reading the books. I literally purchased over $250 worth of e-books on Amazon in the aftermath. Not just about break up but also about abuse, because I was called abusive soooooooo much. Also about personality disorders because my ex and his mother decided I "had BPD" and I had never heard of these things before. I was badly guilt-tripped for everything that went wrong in the RS and I thought maybe I *had* destroyed. Btw, I have since been to a psychologist several times and she gave me clean-bill of mental health so far, although I *was* very impulsive when I was mad (hanging up phone, breaking up, etc.) and mean. But not enough in quality or quantity (pattern I guess?) to label me as they labelled me. Aaaaanyway, I bought every suggested and "customers also bought" book on these topics, and Lue's NC guide was one of my favourites. It's scary to think we went without all of this before, I'm just happy I started learning more about relationships and myself, because I have many flaws and this introspection is the good thing to come of this - I can only hope my ex is doing the same for himself, instead of blaming me for 95% of everything. Unlikely though. As we would say on BR: the as*clown!

lol. AC is one of my favorite words at this point. Ah, yeah, I am familiar with projection. My ex was the master of that, and he also was into gaslighting me. I was on the verge of losing my sanity. I think he MUST be a narcissist. He has all the NPD traits, and if you think you were impulsive (we all are impulsive to some degree, doesn't mean we have BPD), lol, wait til you hear about my ex. He was the king of impulsiveness. He broke up with me like 4 times, sent out a break-up email another dozen times, etc. Man. I shudder when I remember those days. Pure hell. So glad I found LS and BR. They were truly saviors.

[lindsay1990]

... if you think you were impulsive (we all are impulsive to some degree, doesn't mean we have BPD), lol, wait til you hear about my ex. He was the king of impulsiveness. He broke up with me like 4 times, sent out a break-up email another dozen times, etc. Man. I shudder when I remember those days. Pure hell.

 

This isn't really comforting me, ha.