Do men just assume that they're in a relationship?

[Menina]

I've seen that in all of my previous relationships and most my friends' relationships mainly women are the ones who start the "what we are/ are we in a relationship" conversation. It's as if most men just assume that they're in a relationship with a women they've been dating after a period of time. With my ex it wasn't until after a year that I finally asked: "what we are?" and he was like "well, you're my girlfriend, right?". I mean, sometimes it can get confusing because I think that a lot of women, like me, want to know where we're standing and sometimes bringing up the subject can be kinda scary (for fear of rejection).

 

I write about this because I've been seeing this guy for over 7 months now, we see each other almost every week, I know his closest friends, he knows mine, we go on dates, et al. However, we don't talk on the phone and we only text to set up our dates (which is great because we're both too busy to spend hours on the phone). So I'm still not sure if after months of this if we're something more than just friends with benefits because sometimes it does feel like something more, but I'm a coward and I fear that if I ask him what we are he will tell me that we're nothing more than FWB or something like that (though we've never talked about being FWB).

 

My question is, when men date a women/men for a certain period of time without having the relationship talk do:

a. They assume they're in a relationship with the girl? or

b. They assume they're only casually dating the girl (meaning that they're not in a relationship)?

 

I know it sounds like a stupid question, but I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about this today and we're legitimately curious about it.

[carhill]

Depends on the man but IME we've always had the equivalent of a 'relationship talk' before ever making love, mainly about expectations, exclusivity and STD status/pregnancy prevention.

 

When I read the title, my first thought was, 'do men assume a woman is in a relationship?' and my answer was 'yes', since it's overwhelmingly true IME, no matter what it might seem like at first. Different subject but clueing you in on my train of thought.

[ChessPieceFace]

I've never even known when I was on a date.

[Menina]

Wow, you're experience differs so much from mine. That type of talk usually happens after months of dating and I've been always the one who starts it (excluding the STDs ones, which happens right at the start). I've never had the exclusivity talk because I always assume we're exclusive until proven otherwise (not such a wise decision but I've found that the guys I've dated had also taken exclusivity for granted).

 

And it's funny that you mention that most guys assumes that a girl is in a relationship because in my experience that it's also true.

[PlumPrincess]

I can't believe that women sleep with guys with whom they want a relationship for months while not knowing what their status is.

 

If I was a guy, I would milk the cow for free as well, just because it's so damn easy!

[carhill]

Yup, I've met numerous apparently single women who turned out to be married. This and the 'free love' era, combined with my preference for sex only within a committed relationship, impelled the development of a particular style of communication surrounding the subject. I would opine the guys who are less structured and more casual are both more common and generally more desirable, hence more often encountered.

[Menina]

I think women bring up the subject first because they are more likely to want a relationship. I find guys tend to avoid the subject because they don't like being tied down and want to see how long they can get the perks of a girlfriend without actually having to commit.

 

I have dated a lot, and all the men Ive dated that didn't bring up "the talk" within 3 months were just trying to string me along. The ones that liked me a lot didn't let "that talk" escape them.

 

I guess, this can also be true. But in my case with my ex, though he never introduced me as his gf, before having "the talk" we acted like a committed couple and that was the vibe people perceived. I know we were exclusive and he wasn't trying to milk the cow for free as he was always inviting me to dinner, to his family gatherings, etc.

 

I've never even known when I was on a date.

 

This happens to me also, but in my case I never know if a guy is into me until he's literally going for the kiss or putting his arm around my shoulder.

 

I can't believe that women sleep with guys with whom they want a relationship for months while not knowing what their status is.

 

If I was a guy, I would milk the cow for free as well, just because it's so damn easy!

 

Milking the cow goes both ways because women also like sex and are as prone as sleeping with a guy just for the sake of it as men. However, I guess that in my case I look for hints that this is heading somewhere strong before bringing up the subject, but I've found that when I do bring it up guys get amused and procede to tell me that they thought we were in a relationship.

[Menina]

Honestly, I never understood this 'relationship talk' business. For me, and I suspect for many men as well, actions speak louder than words and you should judge 'where you are' in a relationship based on how he treats you and what you share together as a couple [not because of some talk, which you may or may get you a BS line - so I am not even sure why you girls do that]. You wanna be a girlfriend? Good. Then, act like one and see what happens [i.e. see if he freaks out]. Let's see: Long relationship? You know his friends and he knows yours? Doing romantic things together, not just sex? He doesn't disappear at weird times or do shady things - and there is no reason to assume he is still multi dating? What else do you need really? A certificate or a hallmark card with a "you are now my girlfriend" title? I mean what is this kindergarden? Now, I don't object the argument "What is his problem in answering, if we just wanted to clarify" but why freak out [if you are shy about asking] and then go crazy in your own head with ideas? It is bizarre to me. Maybe that is one of those things where 'men vs. women: think differently.' But I'll tell you this. Every relationship that worked out for me transitioned into a smooth sail, with no talk. Every time someone came up with a relationship talk, it didn't work out - even when they got the answer they wanted. Maybe that is a sign of insecurity or craziness? I am not really sure but it is something to think about.

 

I really think that this hits the nails in that I guess that it is like a men v. women mentality in which for men if you act like a couple then you're a couple and with women until you don't talk about being in a relationship then you're not in a relationship.

 

I don't freak out if we don't talk about what we're, but that I like to know where I'm standing and I want to hear it. Usually after we have the talk everything goes back to normal and we tend to laugh it off. But this time I'm going to see how it goes and just let actions speak for words. But yes, most men I know think like you do.

[giblesp]

Sometimes it just flows with someone and you're in a relationship. Other times it doesn't and that can be confusing.

 

I think its important to know what it is you want from a relationship and not be afraid to tell another what it is. Don't settle for less because you'd rather have less than nothing. Settling for less IS less than nothing.

 

My mistake a while back was getting sexual and assuming the girl also wanted to be bf and gf, as it had worked that way before in previous relationships.

More recently I stated what it was I was looking for, and I didn't want anything less. I'm now in a good relationship.

[Mrlonelyone]

This is'nt a man Vs woman thing. Plenty of women are willing to just roll with it and not define things. In fact many men will tell you a good way to drive a woman away is to try and tie her down.

[Mascara]

Honestly, I never understood this 'relationship talk' business. For me, and I suspect for many men as well, actions speak louder than words and you should judge 'where you are' in a relationship based on how he treats you and what you share together as a couple [not because of some talk, which you may or may get you a BS line - so I am not even sure why you girls do that]. You wanna be a girlfriend? Good. Then, act like one and see what happens.

 

When I was a kid, the way you made friends was by asking someone. "Will you be my friend?". And then you were. We even had a song - "Make friends, make friends, never ever break friends". As an adult, as long as we're exclusive, I don't need a song and I don't need to ask "But are we boyfriend and girlfriend?". You just ARE. Give it whatever name you like.

 

To me, it would be like meeting another woman I get along with and start being friendly with -

 

"So we've hung out a few times now, am I your friend?"

 

..... "well, not yet, let's see how well we get on"

 

You don't need to define it or put a name on it, because it is what it is whether or not you have that formal conversation.

 

Define exclusivity, but beyond that..... for god's sake just enjoy being with your boyfriend/girlfriend.

[truth_seeker]

I think women bring up the subject first because they are more likely to want a relationship. I find guys tend to avoid the subject because they don't like being tied down and want to see how long they can get the perks of a girlfriend without actually having to commit.

 

I have dated a lot, and all the men Ive dated that didn't bring up "the talk" within 3 months were just trying to string me along. The ones that liked me a lot didn't let "that talk" escape them.

 

Me, personally, I would bring up the topic if I really liked the woman. If I didn't, and just liked the perks of sex and companionship, I would coast along until she brought the topic up.

[candie13]

I am not into all that relationship talk. I let it happen, because I usually freak out if I must have "the conversation". The only question I ask (if the sex was good, the guy maintains regular contact and is interesting in having some more sex with me) is if he is seeing other people. That's good enough for me, I can take it from there.