madlyinlove2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hey, I am new here. I've read a couple postings and thought I would see if I can get some positive information. I have been dating my boyfriend for, well almost 1 year. Next weekend is our 1 year anniversary - but we dating previously, so all the way through including our breakup we've been dating a little over 2 years and have known each other almost 3. I have children and I do not currently have my own place. He lives with friends. We see each other twice a month usually. Sometimes more if we can fit it into our schedules. He works crazy hours and i work full time and also go to school as well. I struggle with wanting to spend more time together. For me it feels like I've been with him forever and i feel like we should be living together by now. He on the other hand isn't in any hurry. He says that he knows that we will live together and get married someday. I am not good at pressuring so i usually bring up the subject and then drop it when it doesn't go anywhere. He has a lease with his friends so that means another year before we could even live together. I sometimes feels like he is stalling. He says he isn't ready yet Because I have children and he is worried about being around kids full-time. Other times he says its for financial reasons or because of his roommates, and not wanting to leave them high and dry. I feel like he should be wanting to move in at this point and moving our relationship to the next level. I know that there are of things making it difficult to move right now or spend more time together but i just don't "feel" like he would even want to if he could. Am I overreacting or reading to much into this? He is 26 and I am 27. He's never dated someone with kids before. I am a divorcee. I got married very young, very bad relationship. -- Just to give some more background. I've never been in-love with someone like I've been with him. I am certain that he is the one and I see myself getting married and growing a larger family with him. Should I just take a step and not think to much into it? I appreciate any comments or advice.
Author madlyinlove2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Two times a month?? how far do you live from eachother? Two weekends a month is the usual amount of time because that is when i do not have my children. There have been times where we have done things with the children but its not that often since I do not have my own place. I don't bring my kids around his roommates and my parents (where i currently live) do not let me bring him over here. No we live probably 10 minutes from each other which is the sad part.
Author madlyinlove2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, I'm sure he's faithful. If I were able to see him after my kids go to sleep I would have done that along time ago. It's not that simple when I do not live by myself and I do not have parents that babysit. The only time that I am able to see anybody him included is when my kids visit there father. Other than that I have to get someone to watch them which at night for a movie or something which isn't that easy. Can't hire a babysitter because again- my parents do not allow people in their house. They are against me dating period so they are less than helpful. I have lectures twice a week at night for College, and I work during the day. That is my schedule alone. His hours are all over the place. He has to work weekends occasionally. We aren't sitting at hour respective houses staring at the ceiling saying- meh I wont visit my gf/bf today. And neither of us are cheaters.
Author madlyinlove2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 (edited) You are in denial -- and rationalizing this the way you want to see it. ok- thank you for your input. If you care to know - which i don't think you do - prior to moving back home with my parent in order to get my bachelors degree we saw each other 3-4 times a week. He would come over when my kids went to bed and we would hang out. So I don't really think I am in denial, I don't think that we aren't in a relationship. So if you have anything productive and helpful to say I would appreciate it. The question I posed was in regards to us moving in together instead of me moving from my parents to a place of my own and how to respond to his concerns and pace in moving in together. This is the relationship I've had since being divorced and first relationship his been in with someone who has children. That is the question that I posed. Not whether or not my relationship is valid, that is for he and I to decide. Edited September 28, 2013 by madlyinlove2013 correction
Author madlyinlove2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 Look. You are 26/27. You've already had a break up before, which is never a good sign. He barely sees you despite being 10 mins away, which is a flashing red flag. He's never been in a relationship with kids before and you only see him when your kids are with their father (or asleep) so he's never had much of a long-term interaction with them but you still think he will move with you into that situation? [He even says he is not ready]. Not to mention he doesn't have the finances to live alone [you think he will move in with you and support a family with kids?] From where I am standing, this all adds up to there is no way he is moving in with you to fulfill your dream of escaping your circumstances with your dream guy. I don't mean to be mean but I am just trying to show you the picture [from what you've given us] that you are in denial. All the best. Thank you. You pointed out a key point, from what ive told you. Sorry i didnt summarize two years or dating good enough. I was married to someone who cheated. Who brought the women home to our house to eat then slept with them in their car. Im fully aware of cheating. I wouldnt be investing my time in someone if i didnt trust them. Im always not a money hungry whore. I support my kids just fine dont even get child support for them and we are just fine. I forget that people like to assume the worst in others. I work at wells fargo and i make $17 an hr so no i dont need his money. I guess its inanse to think i would want to move in with someone because i love being around them and want to do that everyday. Dumb rigt. I dont need to escape my circumstances. I chose to come home to my parents so i could focua on further my education and becoming a domestic violence counselor another stupid concept right that never happens. Now for the long list of questions.... 1. I had my first child at 16 a beautiful boy. My parents wanted me to abort i said no. Had him, got married and my parents didnt speak to me for four years. We reconnected after i had my second daughter, by my tjird my ex husband was beating me everyday. They helped me get out of that. My parents have guidelines and rules and i repect them enough to abide by them while i am here, while still being an adult. 2. My grandparents didnt babysit us they dont babysit mine or my other two sisters kids. Theyve watched them on serious occassions like finals for school. 3.Seriously i have to answer who watches them while im working we cant.think of anything like idk they are all school age: 5,6 and 9. 4. I do take them to the park to hang out of him but im selfish i work/school during the week i like my weekends with them and he respects that. 5. I know there are alot of girls who like to bring their kids around random people and im not one of those so no im not bringing them over to hang out with his roommates. I dont know everysone definition of casual dating but i dont count taking your girlfriend to the hospital tomeet your mother for the first time while she was in the hospital suffering from heart failure as casual, i dont count coming over to try to convince your girlfriends parents to be ok with her dating you against their wishes as casual. How about sitting at the hospital while i was crying cuz my sister was having open heart surgery. Why is it so hard for people to assume the best and not the worst. You all assume i was naive and he was a cheater and that we werent in a relationship as serious as anyone elses. Why do i have to write a book like this why cant people assume ok there must be a reason that this relationship isnt cookie cutter like everyone elses. 1
todreaminblue Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 (edited) I can see what the other poster said about being in a relationship young and it being abusive and then someone else comes along.....i went rebound style into my second relationship......not into dating straight into a relationship my first one was abusive he used to go walk about with the money and leave me with nothing.when i would ask him for money to go shopping when he came home i would cop it.....so the next relationship i had was with a very close friend i had known for years....saying he would never do that he would treat me so well if i was his,we had talked for hours on what we thought was acceptable and what was not,with abuse faithfulness values family volunteer work, charity , the list goes on.......everything i adored he loved he did everything with me and was always so protective gentle and sweet and giving with me affectionate but not sleazy i thought he was charming and everything i had thought was true, was in him......so from that point on he lived with me as soon as we started the relationship...he had basically moved in anyway before he spetn every day and night with me for many months...i cant go into details too much because this post would end up a book...he cheated, he beat me senseless only once though....and eventually after fifteen years abandoned his and my three girls left them in shock and me......i wasnt so shocked more numb so i have experienced things that you have ...not in one relationship but twice we had a very passionate relationship but it wasnt ever going to work because he wasnt entirely truthful with his values instead told me what i wanted to hear .......in saying all this...if you have doubts enough to write on here should you move in with him.....the answer is always no......you have to make sure you are both ready for that ....100 per cent ready no doubts because the kids are the ones who will have to adjust too, get used to it, its not about him adjusting its about immersing him into a family unit that has had a defined head of household for years probably, you have to work out how you are going to deal with issues in regards to the kids what you are comfortable with and what his place in the household will be......to me...if you are living as if married he takes the lead.and when i say take the lead i dont mean take over, but i definitely do mean not cowed under and told no thats not how i handle thing we do it my way or the highway..but to me a man should be the head and compromise and discussions on major issues he needs to have the right to make decisions and you stand united with him or the kids will have a field day pittign you against each other eventually dotn say nooooo my kids wont do that they will test the weaknesses when they reach teen years........i am old fashioned and i have teens...lol...i know the games they play......so its also about you adjusting and getting used to allowing him to deal with issues.....it isnt easy and this is where relationships fail....thats why it is probably better if you have broken relationships to marry first than live together...this is my opinion .......because there's a defined permanency given with following that ideal.....it's not something you say nah get lost when there's problems you work it out.....because kids need two stable role models who are united in how to bring them up into well adjusted people who go on to make good choices with their future partners........ so for that reason i wouldnt suggest living together ..as i said its just my opinion... if there is doubt.....moving in is out(with kids i feel this is really important). i think marriage shows a commitment to the longevity and future of a blended family..and immersion needs to be done at a fairly slow pace to get used to the dynamics of different personalities joining together as a family...definite outings together as a family in progress...beach days, picnics, walks, dinners in home movie nights, board game fun, breakfasts and lunches(not all on the same day so you get to spend all different times of the day together) over a relaxed amount of time no pressure just fun and he can see how you handle them and give some input and how he feels or what he feels...he has to feel comfortable with accepting that he is going to be integral in a childs life so he has to be able to have an opinion and be able to share it with you...thats not an easy decision for a guy to take on another mans children and accept teh package deal that you are...takes a certain type of strength and compassion ... then the discussions start and hopefully compromise.......... that sort of thing quality interactions and the children understanding and accepting this person is going to be important to them and very important to you...this is the start of immersion...and as a single mother of five my opinion comes from personal experience...i wish you the very best.....with whatever you decide ....deb Edited September 29, 2013 by todreaminblue 1
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