Dizzy81 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I have never done anything like this before, so bare with me. I have been married to my wife for 7 years, we have 4 children ( 3 together and a step-daughter I have raised since she was a baby). We have had problems over the years...who hasn't. For the first few years we had issues, I didn't deal with them and she tried her hardest. I felt like I was being persecuted, that I was a bad husband and father and could do nothing right. Like an idiot I met a girl at work that made me feel the exact opposite...and I had an affair. I told my wife, thought about divorce, but she continued to work on us (she was pregnant with my daughter at the time). I continued the affair, I don't know why, but it finally hit me that I was destroying my wife and my family and I broke it off before my daughter was born. I vowed from that day to make things right and work on our marriage. I worked for the last 4-5 years on us. I went to marriage counselors, but because of money, we could never go more than 12 sessions a year. I tried so hard. About a year after the affair ended, my wife found out that I lied cause I didn't tell her. I felt horrible. I didn't tell her, cause I didn't want to make the progress worse. She brought up divorce then, but then got pregnant with my son. She went to school and things, to me seemed to get better. I discovered that she was sexting a friend of hers from HS, and sending racy pics and videos. I was destroyed. She said she would not speak to him anymore, that she never cheated on me (physically), and that when she was done with school we would go to marriage counselor. She graduated in May of this year and I was the proudest person in the world. Soon after in July, she went to California. She came back and said she loves me, but is not in love with me. We went to marriage counseling and on the second appt, she said she wanted a divorce. She said that shes tried, that she can't get past the hurt, and wanted to be happy. She is currently living in the house, awaiting her place to get fixed up and is actively buying stuff for her place. I discovered last week that when she was in Cali she kissed my best friend when she was out drinking and that she wanted to date him when we separated. I was like HELL NO! I have gone to a counselor for me, due to the fact Ive been depressed, angry, and anxious ever since. It is affecting me and my kids, I don't want to hurt my family...I love them. I love my wife more than anything. Even after everything, I love her! I love her more now than I did when I met her, asked her to marry me, even when we got married. I am trying so hard to keep my marriage together. I have been trying so hard to show her I love her and that I am worthy of her, but she can't. I know I screwed up big time, but I can't be without her. I feel like I've lost my best friend and I'm heart broken. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to let it be and work on your marriage, but I can't. I just help but not give up on us. I was always taught to fight for something you believe in and someone you love. Its just hard that for years divorce was not an option for her, and now divorce is not an option for me. Do I let her go? Do I keep trying? Do I pray that she comes back to me? I don't know what to do, my whole life is in shambles and I'm a mess without her.
Suzanne L Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 Sorry to hear of your situation Dizzy. For now I think all you can do is focus on yourself and be the best that you can be. Get out and enjoy life, find a new hobby, exercise, do whatever it is that makes you happy! I think you need to take a step back from pursuing her (for now) and just give her some space and breathing room. Often when we pressure/pursue it will just push them in the opposite direction. Have you read the 180s list on this forum? So get out there and GAL (get a life) as they call it, and just try to have fun. Do you have some friends that you can go out with for an evening? Do you do any sports? Are there things about yourself, and/or your relationship that you would like to change or fix? Now is the time to start thinking about it. Also, you have the gift of time right now since she is still living in the house. If you start to make positive changes within yourself, she will start to take notice. Make sure that any changes you make are for yourself, though, and not for the sole purpose of winning her back. You will find once you start getting out and active you will get a great confidence boost and start to feel better overall. I highly recommend reading "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It will answer all of the questions you have and give you some clarity. Reading the book has helped me tremendously through my own journey. Best of luck and take care, Suzanne 1
Porridge Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 As an outsider and going by what i've read, it just seems to me that the whole relationship is built on cheating, mistrust and indecisiveness. I know you love her and you regret your past, but she has also had periods of being unfaithful. The foundations and roots of the relationship are damaged, and I think that creates a big problem in making things work for the long term. It seems that you've only lasted as long as you have because of the timing of your wife's two pregnancies. Quite often, couples choose to sweep aside hurt and pain for the sake of convenience. Problem is though, that hurt and pain never really goes away and will always surface again. However this works in the long term, I agree with Suzanne that you have to start the 180. This will allow you to start dealing with your own life whilst also allowing your partner time to deal with hers.
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