Love and the coworker

[Intents]

I have a bit of a mess on my hands and am looking for female advice. I'm a 34 year old guy living in NYC and working in finance. A couple of years ago a younger girl joined my group and began working for me. We both had significant others at the time (mine was a 4 year relationship, hers was 8). We immediately gravitated to each other and about 6 months later we admitted, over many drinks, that we liked each other. We shared a kiss that night. That same week she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend because she couldn't imagine staying with him when she had feelings for someone else. I, on the other hand, was really confused. I thought my girlfriend was a great person and didnt want to make a rash decision that I might later regret, even though I could honestly say at the time that I had never connected with anyone before like I did with my coworker.

 

For the next year, my coworker and I embarked on what I will admit was the most screwed up and just plain weird relationship (can i call it that?) that I have ever had. We would talk all day in the office and then meet for drinks on the weekends and basically spend all of our time together. She would go wherever i was at any time. We would constantly talk about our strong feelings for each other. She says she has never had stronger feelings for anyone in her life. Things occasionally got physical, but in some strange way i figured that as long as i didnt cross certain lines i was morally ok. All the while I maintained my relationship with my girlfriend, hoping that eventually we would figure things out.

 

After about a year I detected a change in my coworker's attitude toward me. She had reconnected with family and friends and was spending more time with them. I became incredibly jealous and was sometimes downright nasty to her. If we were texting each other on a Saturday night and then she dropped off, I would assume she was hooking up with someone else and send accusatory messages. I brought my girlfriend to last years Xmas party and my coworker got so incredibly sad that she texted some guy to meet her after the party. The only way I found out was from people talking about the guy in the office the next day. I proceeded to tear her a new one. She would get so sad about my reactions, but she knew (as did and do I) that she had done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

I finally ended things with my girlfriend in may. At first I decided I needed to be out there meeting women, which I did for a couple of months. But in the last couple of months I have only been able to think about my coworker. She had been telling me for about 6 months that while she used to be sure about us, my behavior toward her (jealousy, pushing her away from time to time to work on things with the ex) had made her unsure and confused about us. Nonetheless, she agreed to go out with me several times. While things physically progressed, I could tell that she just wasn't all there in the way I was mentally. I sat down with her this week and told her that I didn't want to keep going on dates with her if she was just having a lot of fun but making no progress on the mental side. She agreed and cried and told me she didnt cry when she broke up with the boyfriend of 8 years. I told her that hopefully her feelings would return to where they used to be, and she said it would be really sad for both of us if they didnt. Even so, she called me the other night and we bs'd about stuff for nearly an hour.

 

So if you've read this far, what do I do now? I realize I was completely in the wrong on so many levels (cheating, having expectations of someone who had no obligation to me, etc). But I've taken a bunch of steps in the right direction. I finally broke up with the ex, I'm seeing a therapist, and I'm trying to be more honest about my emotions. I am so sure my coworker and I could have a wonderful relationship, but I'm afraid she won't be able to get back to where we used to be emotionally. She continues to use words like confused and complicated and grey area. She's told me secrets she hasn't even told best friends and recently sent me provocative pics of her on a vacation. I think the answer is just to chill out, but I welcome other advice! Thanks in advance.

Edited September 28, 2013 by Intents