777doom Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hi everyone! This is essentially my first post here and it's definitely a TL:dr, however I have summarised it below for those who dont want all the nitty gritty. It's about me and my recent ex (she is foreign), and our attempt at a long distance relationship which didn't start out as one. I am 20, she is 19. Ok well here it is summarised for those who don't want the whole thing: We lived close to each other for about 5 months, could see each other once or twice a week. We both fell in love. There was a language barrier there but as she became better at English that became less of a problem. I moved to my hometown after 5 months (still only about 1 hour from each other). We still visited each other and probably did a slightly larger amount of travelling to me by train. During this period we made some of our best memories as we were forced to go out into the world and actually do stuff. We went swimming, ice-skating, to the beach and spent a day at a lovely lake. We went on a mini 2 night holiday and had a great time, things were great... We did however argue a fair amount online, pretty much always me starting these and I believe I was frustrated that we couldn't spend more time together. For a long time I felt like I wasn't a priority in her life, although she was in mine. When we did meet there wasn't as much affection from her part as I would have liked but I still loved her and showed her, I just wanted to feel loved back. She moves back to her own country after a further 3 months to finish off Summer and prepare for Uni. She visits me just 4 weeks later in London and then I go and visit her at the beginning of September in Belgium. On the last day of my 5 day stay, she tells me she cant do this anymore, the distance is too much and she doesn't think she will be able to support the relationship whilst she is at university. She cries her eyes out like I've never even seen before. 7 days later (I'm back home by now) she tells me that she has spoken a lot to her family and that she thinks she called it off to soon and she at least wants to try whilst at university, I said yes... we only last another 6 days before she tells me that we have to stop, she knows she is torturing me but she had been 'having questions about our relationship'. Since then she has started a conversation with me 3 times over facebook, but I have remained a bit distant as I don't know what to do... I dont want to lose contact but at the same time I dont want to hang onto something I dont have. So here's the thing... I'm not even too baffled as to why she did it. I just feel like she has made a decision with her head rather than her heart, we both knew it would not be easy but I was willing to push through, I believed Love would be enough. She even told me that she had imagined a real future with me. What do I do now? We have so many great memories and whilst it is a relatively shorter relationship compared to many of you, it doesn't hurt any less. It's not a proper first love for me either which is why I am coping with it OK so far, however I believe that I was her first love, in fact she told me so. Do I start NC, like properly? Feel free to ask me questions but I appreciate your guys help in this, I'm really a bit confused about how to react and maybe I always knew it was coming... This is the detailed version: We met pretty much one year ago when we both lived in the same City here in England, she was here on a sort of gap year doing a language course to learn English and I was finishing some training for my current job. It was one night at a club that I met her, and she didn’t have good English but she seemed like a nice girl so I stuck with it, we kissed etc got her number and I texted her the next morning. Anyway we hit it off and grew closer over the next couple of months although there was a language barrier there. She would come over to my house as she only lived 15 minutes walk away and we would watch films etc. We grew close and both lost our ‘V plates’ with each other… Things carried on this way for a few months and it wasn’t really until after Christmas, in January that we actually went on a proper date (I believe we were both a bit anxious to do it before as we might find it awkward) but her English had gotten better and we knew we had to do something more than just stay indoors all day. I was due to move back to my hometown at the end of March so I thought it was really important to get some good foundations down in our relationship so to speak, as this would be the beginning of what would become less and less contact, and I knew this was the case. The only issue was that the 2 weeks I had off after finishing my course in March, she spent on holiday with a friend she had met at her language school, going to others places in the UK. I got pretty pissed off if I am honest and we had some arguments, I felt like she wasn’t putting the effort in to make contact with me. We had a particularly bad argument when she was away with her friend and she asked if I really wanted to be with her etc, but of course I did and I was in love with her. During that week I felt guilty and painted her a nice picture to symoblise us (it was just a mix of our 2 flags). I gave it to her when we next met up after the holiday, and the present she had got me was a stress ball (Irish Rugby Ball)… I didn’t support Ireland, I didn’t watch Rugby and it was a stress ball, it was an obvious message. I kind of think that her friend may have had some engineering in that one but I wont go down that path. Anyway I moved back home and we carried on to see each other, I drove up to see her a couple of times and she would get the train down to me quite often and we would spend some weekends together, it worked for us. Her course ended and she moved back to her own country at the beginning of June. She came to London 4 weeks later for 4 nights and things were good. The breakdown: OK so this is where things get interesting. It was my turn to go and visit her next and we both couldn’t wait for it (she lives in Belgium btw, so only about 2 hours on the Eurostar). This was earlier this month (beginning September). We had 5 nights together this time, and a flat by the sea all to ourselves. We had a good time and no arguments apart from a small one on the second night which I apologized for, apart from that we would go to the beach, go and play mini-golf and just sit on the sofa watching TV etc. On the second to last to day we were both sat on the sofa and I cant even remember exactly what was said but we started talking about the next time we would see each other (it would have been Feb 2014) as she was due to start university a couple of weeks later and she believed her schedule would be hectic. (I had my own reservations about that as first year at an English university is often quite easy, but I didn’t know if it actually was different in Belgium). She started to cry a bit and she even set me of, I was already starting to think “what if this is the last time I ever see you” and looking at a sweet photo on the wall of her when she was young I was thinking “how can I walk in on your life like this and have such a big impact”, basically the thought of being so far away pained me, it was the most emotional I have felt for a very long time. This was not the break-up though, we watched Forrest Gump that night, she cried a bit at the end and I asked why and she said she ‘didn’t want it to be tomorrow’, my last day there. We listened to some sad music in bed and fell asleep. Anyway, next day comes and we both get clearing up the flat ready for us to leave about 3pm. Finish at 1pm and we sit on the sofa and start just fooling around and playing, and she says ‘So I’ll see you in Amsterdam then” (where I would be in Feb 2014). I told her that we would be able to see each other before then, even if it was just for a weekend or something I was happy to travel. She told me that she didn’t want me spending all this money and her mood changed, she mentioned how she ‘couldn’t do this’ and I was thinking ‘cant do what?...’, so I asked her if she wanted to be single and she said yes. I was stunned for about a minute, trying to take in what she had just said and then my mood changed and I didn’t want to be cuddling her anymore, but there was no where me to go. I went into another bedroom and lay on the bed trying to figure out what the hell had just happened. She started crying as soon as she realized I was upset and I didn’t know how to act, I didn’t look her in the face and I wasn’t sure I wanted to even touch her (how could she do this to us… blah blah blah). She kept telling me she loved me so much and after about 45 minutes of her trying to get something out of me she went back into the living room and eventually I came back out and joined her sitting on the opposite sofa. She sent me a message on facebook as she couldn’t explain in words her reasons for breaking up, I never saw that message at the time but if there is anybody who wants to help me and needs to know, I will paste it to you in a private PM. She came over to me (I was crying lightly as well) and I showed her a sign of affection and just put my hand sort of around her back, like a one armed hug. She said she loved me and said I love her to, and then it was almost like a huge release. She started crying and sobbing so much like I have never seen someone cry before, at this moment I stopped crying and just held her, she had tears streaming down her face. We eventually had to leave for the train station and we cried a couple of times, until we had to part for what would be forever. She cried a bit as we said goodbye and I left through to immigration. I get a text from her saying how she has no regrets about our relationship, we did lots of first times together and how I was the biggest story of her life etc, but I was still in disbelief and how she could do this. So I get home and for the next few days it doesn’t feel like we had broken up (we still chatted and everything and she said that she still loved me), fast forward one week and she sends me a message whilst I am at work saying that she has spoken a lot to her parents and her godmother and that she thinks she broke it off too early and she wanted to give it a go whilst she was at university if I still wanted to but that we would only be able to speak 30 minutes a day maybe. Of course at the time I said yes, I never had any doubt about our LDR in the past and thought maybe she is finally willing to try. We only last 6 days before she called it off again, she said she knew she was ‘torturing me but we had to stop’. The same day she called it off for a second time she had taken a test which she think she had failed. She said she was too weak to support our relationship. I wanted to try and I believed we were both in love and that we could carry this through anything (I believe this is possible when there are no doubts involved) but now I see that she really was too weak for it and maybe there just wasn’t the same love for me that she had before. Since that day I stopped initiating anything with her. She has started conversations 3 times with me through facebook but I have tried to remain a bit distant as I feel like I would be hanging onto something I didn’t have. I am considering going completely cold turkey and taking her off of my FB, I have read various threads about the dumpee and dumper etc and I know she is probably at a different stage to me. Now that freshers week is happening at uni, I know she went out a couple of times at least, though I haven’t seen any photos of her and it pains me to think that there might be some other guy kissing her or that she has an interest in (though of course this will happen eventually). How do I get through this, I don't know even if I want her back or not but I just don't understand how she can do this when I thought we were in love. Sorry for the massive post... but any response is really appeciated!
flight E Posted October 6, 2013 Posted October 6, 2013 Most will say go no contact. But I think she is just as confused as you are. If you really want her. Just take it slow. Don't do anything unmanly like get clingy or seem desperate. And don't focus on her. Carry on with your life but let her know she isn't forgotten and that you care.
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