Is She Just Toying With Me?

[lakerman34]

So, there is this girl. We've hung out before (yep, the one that was on top of me naked and I said 'no' to sex), stopped talking for months, and are talking again.

 

Thing is, I'm out of school and she's in school. I'm busy looking for a job and working part-time, she's going through a VERY stressful time in school (she even talks to me about how she wants to flee the country, new opportunities, new people, new everything).

 

I've been trying to hang out w/ her. At first, she was like "I don't think so." Then she said she wanted to, but "she'll let me know." When I've messaged her saying things like "I work during the week, but am free for a couple of hours on Friday...lets do something," she won't respond. An issue is that her flatmate, for whatever reason, doesn't like me. I've never done anything wrong to her. This may or may not be an issue to her. However, her other girl friends and I get along very well. Some are even pretty close friends of mine.

 

Then, the other day, she was being VERY snarky towards me (one word answers and all that). I just cut the conversation off and stopped talking.

 

About a week ago, she told me she wanted to get off campus. I told her we can do Halloween-y stuff together. She said she'd love that and to let her know.

 

I waited about 3 days, then I sent her a link with a haunted house. She made a joke about it. We had a very playful conversation (we were talking about what types of Pokemon we would be and were making our own sequel to Across the Universe).

 

After teasing each other a little bit, she logged off (even before our "date" last time, she always did this. She just gets off mid-conversation. I don't think anything of it. Now, unlike last time, I sometimes wait days, and she initiates conversations as well).

 

I knew she logged off, so I said "but yeah, let me know about that haunted house so I can buy tickets. Don't make me go alone. You know you're going to feel responsible about my obituary in the paper the next day."

 

She replied "okay okay, we shall see."

 

This is how it has been. She seems eager to hang out, but NEVER gives me dates or times. Always "we'll see" or "I'll let you know."

 

Next time she messages me saying how she hates everyone and the world, I'm going to straight up tell her that I can't do that anymore, and I can only help her if she'll return the favor and go to the haunted house with me.

 

Now, I MAY be in her friend-zone, but I highly doubt it. I've seen how she is with guys in her friend-zone. She's very sweet, she calls them "bro" and what not. Me, she is somewhat mean to, kind of cold, NEVER brings up any guys, and she calls me 'dude' MAYBE once a week. In a drunk stupor, I called her 'bruh' a couple of times. I actually thought that was a good move.

 

Also, I'm VERY honest with her and get away with it. I've called her stubborn and selfish before, and tell her that I think she's looking at something completely wrong, and she responds with "you may be right" or "wow, that's deep" and sometimes wise-ass (I've called her wise ass before) things like "you're just an everyday Dr. Phil" or "when did you become such a sage?"

 

She always questions why she tells me these things about her. She walks around looking like Miss Perfect, extremely confident and somewhat intimidating to guys, but she tells me that when she's alone, the confidence goes out the window and insecurity kicks in. I tell her she tells me these things because we already know too much about each other, and it's nice to have a confidant. She kind of agreed (but only kind of).

 

I know, historically, she takes a rather long time to make a decision about a guy. I went to Cape Town, and I'm selling her on this transformation I've had (which I did). I'm a lot less cocky, and am a lot less selfish. Perhaps she is testing the extent of this?

 

Thoughts?

Edited September 28, 2013 by lakerman34

[Intents]

If she's been on top of you, then you can already eliminate the no attraction concern. I think you may need to back off slightly and let her do more of the work. Not saying to ignore her, but also don't be so available to her. You could even say that you like her and would like to hang out and that she should let you know when she's ready to do that. I think that's a move that shows honesty and confidence in one fell swoop. Now here's the catch. You have to be ready to wait and be patient. If she comes around, then it will be much better. If not, then probably wouldn't have happened anyway and you save yourself this stress.

[lakerman34]

If she's been on top of you, then you can already eliminate the no attraction concern. I think you may need to back off slightly and let her do more of the work. Not saying to ignore her, but also don't be so available to her. You could even say that you like her and would like to hang out and that she should let you know when she's ready to do that. I think that's a move that shows honesty and confidence in one fell swoop. Now here's the catch. You have to be ready to wait and be patient. If she comes around, then it will be much better. If not, then probably wouldn't have happened anyway and you save yourself this stress.

 

I mean, we have an interesting history. We hooked up one night, she was naked on top of me, I rejected her, but we still cuddled all night.

 

She's not an affectionate or girly-girl, and is very charming and outgoing, I've seen her play guys that hit on her at bars (well, she enjoys the hit, then lets them down easily or sarcastically...depends on her mood).

 

We had a falling out. She told me that I creeped her out a bit (her friends told me I looked like a serial killer, I was going thru a rough time, and projected that onto her a bit), so I stopped talking to her. Also, she claimed she didn't want a relationship with me and that we weren't compatible (which, to this day, although I'm not nearly as deep as I was with her, I think she was incredibly incorrect. We are extremely compatible. She's a film major, and compatible to her means a guy who knows film inside and out, and understands her film references based on independent films that only 3 people in the world have seen).

 

A few months later, it seemed as if she was trying to contact me (replying to tweets once in a while, that sort of thing). I went to visit friends at our college, saw her, and she was VERY nervous around me (like she was when I met her initially, I think she gets frantic partially because I make her nervous and partially because, maybe, she didn't want to talk to me).

 

I get a message the next day of her apologizing. I told her it was OK, I was a jerk, and I knew she was going to do big things, it was nice knowing her.

 

She continues the conversation. The conversations get very deep. I call her out for a lot of things (gently so), and she agrees with me. Then she always questions why she tells me these things and apologizes for being so 'self-centered.'

 

My first attempt at asking her to hang out got an "I don't think so." That wasn't a 'no.' So I told her it'd be good for both of us, then get her to agree. About four times of me saying "we should hang out" and her saying "yeah I would really like that!" has led to nothing. It just sounds like an empty promise.

 

I agree though. Do less. I think I need to be the guy that ends the conversation....but not abruptly like she does. That's rude (from her it's expected, me I've been responsive, though I usually wait a while between responses, and I only sometimes initiate conversations now).

 

I asked her to the haunted house. She said 'we shall see.' So I don't think I'm going to initiate the next conversation. She's the type that she can talk to me after a week, or she can just fall of the face of the earth. I think I may have her convinced that I can help her through her rough time right now, BUT I won't do it via the internet. It just wouldn't work out.

 

EDIT: I also put conversations in a 'we' context and say how we are very similar people. She never really disagrees with this. Also, I wouldn't call it "stress." I enjoy talking to her, arguing with her, fighting her. The girl is wicked smart, probably an IQ of 150+. Like I said, VERY intimidating. Most guys back down, but I step up. I recognize that she is probably smarter (not much though, I take pride in my own intellect as well) than me (I know better than to admit that to her), but when it comes to life and wisdom, I'm killing her. It's not a competition, but I think she realizes this as well. Maybe it's what is keeping her around (kinda).

Edited September 28, 2013 by lakerman34

[lakerman34]

Bumpity bump bump

[veggirl]

Sooo whens the last time you actually SAW this girl?

 

Sounds like you are chasing her.

 

"We'll see" is NOT an eager response to hanging out. It's a blow-off.

[todreaminblue]

from personal experience if a guy teases me and it borders on sarcasm and i dont like him i tell him to go jump.I can handle guys who are dickheads with no problems.....i never knew what negged was till loveshack but realize i have been negged by guys nearly my whole adult life.....i just thought they were dick head guys who hated me....not guys who were trying to make me more pliable and knock me down or cut me down so i was an easier target ..ill never be an easy mark when it comes to negging

 

 

i sat in front of a selection board of naval officers hard blank faced assessors with a military psyche as one of them...no problem..........spoke with eloquence and passion.........if they had put one guy in there who i am attracted to and i dont know that well and yep i would have been a mess

 

 

i dont get upset what so ever when communicating with men i tell them to take a hike if they upset me in fact i can be brutal.......i am actually extremely confident with guys......but that is with guys i am not attracted to...a guy i am attracted to i listen to what he has to say and ill tease back.......and ill try to let him see what other guys dont get to after i relax a bit and let myself just be me

 

 

i actually know its a control thing on my part, i dont like to get hurt because i have been hurt a lot...so.....when i like a guy i feel out of control and pretty insecure......i open my heart ....and they stomp on it or lie get what they want and i trust them .......sigh...in saying that......i actually have a guarded hopeful heart that the right guy for me is in my life right now...we shall see

 

 

 

 

She seems a bit guarded but she listens to you opens up to you ...she probably has issues ...a bit gun shy......most people who have been hurt are gun shy...no matter how confident they appear to be .....the mask comes off when they get to their room...

 

 

 

being selfish and cocky would be a turn off ....confidence and a calm strength is different its never cocky.......and/or selfishness is a trait that really does need to go out the window......if you really like her its probably going to take time let her know your interest up front dont play games and playful teasing is good....if it is good natured...makign fun of her insecurities or physical traits is out for most women it becomes cocky self serving and pointlessly damaging to the woman who has already opened her heart to the guy she is fond of...i know that from experience....deb

Edited September 29, 2013 by todreaminblue

[truth_seeker]

We shall see = teasing, leaving you hanging.

 

I had a girl give me that line and I realized right then she was an idiot. So, I was distant and waited for her to get my attention. When she did, I filled her head with sweetness, ie, "you're beautiful" ... flirted, joked with her, got her excited. Once I felt I had her on a high... I went no contact on her and flirted with other girls. She went crazy! Flipped out. Couldn't believe I would do such a thing to her.. I mean, the nerve to flip the game on her! lol.

 

That's how you treat idiots. Give them a dose of their own medicine.

[MalachiX]

Sounds like she doesn't want to date you. Sounds like she likes talking to you and confiding in you but doesn't want anything more. Any of the flirty stuff is probably her using you to make herself feel attractive without any intent of actually going through with things (you're on the hook).

 

Personally, I don't know why you'd keep pursuing someone who said you "creeped her out." In my book, a comment like that would be a deal breaker.

 

I once had a friend who was trying to set me up with a female friend of his. We met at a party and seemed to have chemistry and he told me she was interested. Then, at another party, we chatted for a while again. Later she apparently told him that "It would have happened except wanted it too much. Being too enthusiastic is creepy." He told me this in the hopes I'd give it another shot but the second I hear myself described like that I lost all interest immediately and stopped paying her any attention.

[lakerman34]

I am really unsure.

 

We don't talk like we did before we hooked up (back in the beginning of February), but the fact that she comes to me time to time and opens up to me (and, it seems, no one else) is a good sign, I guess.

 

I'm not playing games with her. No way in hell. I'm not being cocky, and I'm not being arrogant. I'm being honest. I call her out for her BS, and I think she actually APPRECIATES it. But then, I follow up with something sweet (tell her she's brilliant, I love how her mind works, that sort of thing). And I mean it, every single time. The girl IS brilliant.

 

She's the type to have many guys after her. I'm OK with this, because I tend to have a couple of girls after me at any given time, and she is aware of this (as I am aware that guys are after her).

 

I found out that she went to an apple orchard today with friends, and she is supposed to go to NYC some weekend (learned from Facebook). Could be why she's saying "we'll see," but who knows.

 

I'm just going to hang tight. She should contact me (she usually does by the middle of the week -- Wednesday, Thursday, Friday are our heaviest talking days).

 

I like her. A lot. But, unlike last time, I think it may be best to play this more subtly (I was VERY blunt w/ her last time, telling her 'I like you.' I think it's best not to give her that power).

 

One of the guys (I see him as my greatest 'competition' right now) lives in NYC, does the whole standup comedy thing, a writer, kind of a hipster, on paper, it seems like he has a lot of things she would go for. They have that banter that she told me she loves too.

 

Thing is, he posts things on her Facebook, he's kind of a pretty boy extrovert, and I know she likes the darker, more introverted, keep to themselves types (I don't think she's ever dated that loud, extroverted, throws everything on the table at once type -- and neither does she have an interest).

 

I'm not worried about him. I think this is a case of "do less, get the girl."

 

Next time something interesting happens, I'll let the kind people at LS know about it!

[todreaminblue]

good luck laker man i wish you nothing but the best and hope it works out......deb

[lakerman34]

Sounds like she doesn't want to date you. Sounds like she likes talking to you and confiding in you but doesn't want anything more. Any of the flirty stuff is probably her using you to make herself feel attractive without any intent of actually going through with things (you're on the hook).

 

Personally, I don't know why you'd keep pursuing someone who said you "creeped her out." In my book, a comment like that would be a deal breaker.

 

I once had a friend who was trying to set me up with a female friend of his. We met at a party and seemed to have chemistry and he told me she was interested. Then, at another party, we chatted for a while again. Later she apparently told him that "It would have happened except wanted it too much. Being too enthusiastic is creepy." He told me this in the hopes I'd give it another shot but the second I hear myself described like that I lost all interest immediately and stopped paying her any attention.

 

I would agree, usually. But in the context it was used, I had a strong indication that it was more of a defense-mechanism than her actually meaning it.

 

She's one for the defense mechanisms. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago for the first time since we hooked up, she was drunk, and instantly went into "snarky bitch" mode.

 

BEFORE we hooked up, she was the same way. She gets frantic, appears confused, and is nervous around me. This is a girl that is usually VERY confident, and gives off a vibe of being "one of the guys." Actually, she is very intimidating to guys. I think she's slightly intimidated by me (and actually, one of her best friends told me that I come off very intimidating). With that information, I have been playing more of a "you can open up to me, I'm harmless" role.

 

I'm using it to my advantage. She's definitely the type that is more curious in what she doesn't understand than to stick with the same ol' everyday thing (which is another reason why this older guy in NYC doesn't really worry me too much. He appears too much to me as a BFF to her).

[bubbaganoosh]

She sounds like she has a lot of hang ups. You sure you want to get involved with someone like that? Personally, I would prefer someone with a clearer head.

[lakerman34]

Not sure how you can call 'rejected her while she was naked' as 'hooked up.' Not only it was all the way back in February but do you know how bad that sounds [for your dating chances with her]? She maybe coming to you to talk. Sure. But only as a friend, I suspect. A girl who is excited about you as a potential romantic/sexual partner does not say "Okay.Okay. We shall see" to a date offer. Don't you think?

 

Labels scare the ish outta her. And she really liked me. A lot. On the contrary, had I slept with her, I don't think anything would have come of it. She's almost 2 years younger than me, I think I may have confused her, but I think that she may see me as more relationship potential for it.

 

And, historically, she is a girl that takes A LONG time to be comfortable with being "in a relationship" (with all the labels that come with it). She has a lot of guys after her (as I said) and has only had one boyfriend in the past.

 

I think, when (if) I hang out with her, I have to let her know that I don't have plans in ending up in her friendzone...but I have to do this implicitly, not through words. I called her 'adorable' about 2 weeks ago, and she responded "ew, please, you know I hate that mushy stuff." I told her "I'm not going to apologize for saying what's on my mind." She replied "fair enough."

[lakerman34]

She sounds like she has a lot of hang ups. You sure you want to get involved with someone like that? Personally, I would prefer someone with a clearer head.

 

I've gone out with CRAZY chicks before. This one definitely isn't perfect (in terms of not having baggage), but she's definitely different. She is 21, and has the maturity of a 21 year old, and at times, it shows, but she's growing up. I think she's figuring things out, but there isn't any too awful that is going to mess her up for life.

 

Like I told her, playing Miss Perfect out in public is exhausting. I told her "yeah, you're cool and awesome and all that, but I'm not interested in that face you show the world, the one of the woman who is going to take over the world and won't let anything stop her. I'm more interested in the girl with her outer shell shed with all her vulnerabilities showing. Show me that girl, and then, we can talk."

 

Her response was: "whoa. that's deep."

[lakerman34]

Now you are talking. Good stuff. Great attitude. Keep it up, if you do get a response.

 

Thanks, man!

 

I know it's nowhere near a sure thing, but I think there is a THIN line of 'maybe' this could lead to something.

 

I will not, under any circumstance, bring myself to the level of embarrassment, or just boosting her esteem without getting anything out of it.

 

Just going to play it day by day. Next message I get from her, I'll probably wait a few hours to respond to. If by mid-October I don't have a surefire day that we are going to do something together, I'll back down self-respectably.

[StanMusial]

She sounds like a pain in the ass. You must really like her to deal with all that. Personally I would've forgotten about her by now.

[lakerman34]

She sounds like a pain in the ass. You must really like her to deal with all that. Personally I would've forgotten about her by now.

 

Yeah, I really do like her.

 

And yes, she's a pain in the ass.

 

But I think she's worth it. Once she gives me reason to think otherwise, I'll peace out harder than a dyslexic in a spelling bee.

[paigej91]

I think you're in her "I don't know" zone where the two of you have some ambiguous relationship that's more than friends.

 

She seems like she likes you on some level, but something is holding her back. This could be something about you/your relationship with each other, or it could be a psychological thing.

[lakerman34]

I think you're in her "I don't know" zone where the two of you have some ambiguous relationship that's more than friends.

 

She seems like she likes you on some level, but something is holding her back. This could be something about you/your relationship with each other, or it could be a psychological thing.

 

I agree with you.

 

I just wish I could know what it is so I can show her that she has nothing to be unsure of.

[paigej91]

I agree with you.

 

I just wish I could know what it is so I can show her that she has nothing to be unsure of.

 

I just read through your story again, and what you said in the beginning seems to explain a lot of it: she's going through a "VERY" stressful time.

 

Unfortunately, it's going to be even more difficult to figure out what her deal is if that's the case. I didn't read your other stories, nor do I know the details of your relationship, but (I'm just speculating now) if you sense there's definitely something between you and there's no way it's one-sided, she might see you as serious boyfriend material. She might not want to ruin/start a great thing at this point in her life if she can't follow through with it.

[lakerman34]

I just read through your story again, and what you said in the beginning seems to explain a lot of it: she's going through a "VERY" stressful time.

 

Unfortunately, it's going to be even more difficult to figure out what her deal is if that's the case. I didn't read your other stories, nor do I know the details of your relationship, but (I'm just speculating now) if you sense there's definitely something between you and there's no way it's one-sided, she might see you as serious boyfriend material. She might not want to ruin/start a great thing at this point in her life if she can't follow through with it.

 

Yeah, considering I've already graduated and don't know where this job search is going to take me (I've even been looking at jobs across the country, although I want to end up in NYC -- where she lives) and she has no idea where she's going to end up (she's applying to Oxford and Cambridge, but I doubt she doesn't get in) there just might be too much uncertainty. She didn't want to start anything before I left to Cape Town for that exact reason.

 

So, I guess I should just let her decide the direction of this "relationship." If she never contacts me again, then so be it.

[lakerman34]

I may have also understated the other guy.

 

He may be a bigger factor than I thought. The fact that he's "older therefore more mature" may help him, and he's in the same industry as she wants to be (that whole comedy writing industry). She, for some reason, finds it necessary to be with a guy that has the same interests she has. I've read somewhere that this is how it tends to be with people 18-25, but after that, more is taken into account. People slowly, as they get older, realize that opposites actually do attract.

 

Still, I've got that whole "introverted, dark, mysterious guy who already saw me naked and isn't afraid to call me out for my **** and won't let me push him over" thing going for me.

 

Like I said, she can go 3 days without contacting me, but those 3 days can end up being FOREVER. It's usually when I begin thinking "well F that, this is clearly over" that I get a message out of the blue from her. Usually Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Ahh. Sorry. I just was watching a movie on my computer, and noticed she was on Facebook from 11-2AM. I know that she was talking to the other dude. How she rolls.

 

Maybe it's best to ALWAYS assume "eh, F it, it's over" for my own late night sanity.

 

Pay no attention to this post. Just my brain-barf vent.

 

Also booze. Best to post on to LoveShack then message her, I guess.

[clia]

She's not interested in you.

 

I know you don't want to believe it, but the signs are loud and clear. I don't care if she texts you sometimes. She has actively avoided actually seeing you in person. That means she is not interested.

 

How many more months are you going to waste on this girl?

 

Surely there are other girls who might actually be interested in you who you could pursue?

[lakerman34]

She's not interested in you.

 

I know you don't want to believe it, but the signs are loud and clear. I don't care if she texts you sometimes. She has actively avoided actually seeing you in person. That means she is not interested.

 

How many more months are you going to waste on this girl?

 

Surely there are other girls who might actually be interested in you who you could pursue?

 

She may or may not be interested in me. Who knows?

 

She's a VERY strange girl. Far from typical.

 

One of my best friends has had a little crush on her for a while now. Another friend had to tell him he was being stupid for not introducing me to her (he had a girlfriend at the time).

 

He and I are constantly talking about why she does the things she does.

 

Apparently, a couple of weeks ago she texted my best friend to hang out. He was so weirded out, he declined. She never liked him, never went out of her way to talk to him, but all of a sudden wanted to hang out...and with MY best friend?

 

She's just strange. She can get almost any guy she wants, and has told me (before our "date") that she wanted a boyfriend but had trouble finding the right guy, yet she doesn't really give any guy a chance (I was one of, maybe, 3 that got a chance during her tenure at college).

 

So, I can't really put her into this "this is how girls are" formula. She's very unique. Until we are straight-up not talking, or I know for sure that I'm friendzoned or one of us finds a significant other/f-buddy, then I have to assume that there's still even a slight chance.

 

But don't you guys worry, I won't pass up other girls if/when they come up. I won't constrain myself in that way.

[sickpuppy]

Like I told her, playing Miss Perfect out in public is exhausting. I told her "yeah, you're cool and awesome and all that, but I'm not interested in that face you show the world, the one of the woman who is going to take over the world and won't let anything stop her. I'm more interested in the girl with her outer shell shed with all her vulnerabilities showing. Show me that girl, and then, we can talk."

 

That's a great reply. That needs it's own thread on how it's done. I've even copied it and saved it. Great words to use.