Overacting at Boyfriend lying? I think not!

[Auguria]

No one is saying he's DEFINITELY cheating on you, or that he's DEFINITELY cheated on you... but one thing you need to understand, is that you're young and this is your very first relationship. That doesn't mean you don't know what love is, or what you have with him isn't real.

 

It just means that we're older, wiser, we've been through much more than you have. We've been around the block, we've seen games guys play. Fortunately, or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, the games some guys play are all pretty much the same, and consistent from relationship to relationship. Yes, people's relationships are all unique to the two people involved, but in the greater scheme, the things people do, what they lie about, how they go about lying/hiding/etc... follow the same patterns.

 

That's why tons of people on here saw right through the whole lying/hiding/deleting thing he was doing. Because it's been done before. Countless times. And very rarely do these behaviors end with "happily ever after."

 

There's one thing you need to see though. Your boyfriend is NOT as honest, truthful, and transparent as you have been lead to believe he is. I'm not sure if you saw my post, but I will restate it here. If you did not snoop through his phone, he would have done these things behind your back. He DID try to lie to you. When something is so blatant in your face, you would be very naive and foolish to simply ignore it, no matter how great you think he is.

 

I don't think anyone here flat out said, "just dump him!" We merely said: "keep your eyes open and watch his behaviors from here on out."

 

What I'm not understanding though, is that you've vehemently stated time and time again that he's so honest and that he's never given you any reason to distrust him but at the same time in the first post you stated a few times that you've had bad feelings, bad feelings that haven't gone away. Where are these bad feelings coming from? They usually don't come out of thin air.

 

You also need to be wise to not EVER put your trust so fully in anyone. People are people, and they WILL disappoint you, and most try to get away with stuff. I have yet, in my lifetime, ever met someone who was 110% honest, transparent, truthful, etc etc. It really just doesn't happen. Trust yourself first and foremost. But never give yourself so fully to another person that naively because that's whats going to ruin you every single time.

 

 

Thank you.

By the way, last night I learned something that has helped tremendously. I was talking to a friend of mine who leaves in another city, where I used to leave before I relocated. He has gone to the same college as my boyfriend and this female friend. He got to know my boyfriend through me, so they are in very limited contact. He knew my boyfriend's face and had sympathized throughout my boyfriend's and I courtship.

So, last night as I was talking with him, I nonchanlantly mentionned this female friend's name to see if my friend had heard of her or maybe even knew her. What was my surprise when he exclaimed " Ah, C! Of course, I know her! We had some classes together! I saw her three weeks ago...".

He then went on to mention that when they had hang out, she had told him how now a lot of kids who had graduated had moved to C ( our city, and her hometown) and had mentionned a couple of names, my boyfriend's name included. My friend told me that she knew about my existence ( which if math is correct would mean that she knew my boyfriend had a grilfriend since the very first group hangout) and that she had even seen a picture of my boyfriend's and I as a couple, and how she thought I was really attractive. My friend told me that she, herself, had a boyfriend...

 

As to the bolded, I have explained them quite a few times now: I will try again. Briefly.

 

1- And there lies all the misunderstanding. His actions are a direct consequence of me looking through his phone. He knew I knew about him having plans to meet with a girl way before they made actual plans. When they did, he immediately called me to let me know his plans. He did not tell me he was meeting with this girl, because I actually knew. He decided cowardly to play this game so I could confess. He made sure to come back home at a very reasonable time as to make sure that when I would confess, I would not have any worries about his whereabouts and question his motives. He spent half an hour getting a drink with a girl he has met twice, who is an acquitance and who has known about my existence from the very beginning. It seem clear that his actions are not to hide this meeting but rather to use this meeting as a way for me to admit breaching his privacy.

The point being that had I not looked through his phone, he would have let me known about meeting this girl. Just like he had let me known she had invited him for a rally during a week end where I wasn't in town and hence, I wouldn't have found out even if he went, or the other times when he explicitely told me about hanging out with his other friends.

 

2- Absolutely. My eyes will be open and I have never been able to completely trust anyone, anyway.

 

3- I have explained this multiple times by now: those feelings didn't emerged from anything that my boyfriend ever did during our relationship. They emerged from a conversation that we had a night when he told me about his past relationships, that have never had any bearing on our present relationship. They triggered a sort of insecurity, as you well know by now this is my first relationship, and I made sure that I waited for a deserving man. The thought of him being with other women but me was a difficult image to take off my mind. I am over it now, but sometimes, these feelings are triggered whenever we have an argument. We had an argument that friday night, and I spent the next two days feeling as if there was something wrong. It is necessary for you guys to understand that this feeling or gut feeling is not something that is triggered by any actions that my boyfriend ever did in our relationship.

[Auguria]

I can't like this post enough times. KatZee, we've all been repeating the same thing over and over again that you just said here, but OP refuses to understand and accept what we are saying. We're not asking her to completely distrust her bf, or to dump him, as I and countless others have made clear time and again. She is just being a drama queen and fighting us, instead of facing the truth. It's just easier and less painful that way. What she doesn't realize is that while it may be more comfortable to do that in the short run, it's going to be more painful in the long run, if / when she finds out that her guy was in fact cheating on her or seeing other women behind her back. For now, though, I really think OP should look into herself and think about why she went from "I have a backbone and will dump his pathetic *ss if I even so much as find out he lied" to making excuses for him to convince herself that he didn't even lie (not even talking about cheating here!). I really think that's coming from a very unhealthy place and an unhealthy sort of attachment to her bf.

 

It's easy. New evidence, new information, new nuances have been brought up from my initial post and perceptions.

 

That's what a logical human being does: one takes into account and enriches one's initial opinion by looking at new facts and evidences presented, and reaches a conclusion based on the entirety of facts.

 

I would say that perhaps you are the one who prefers to be best-friend with the sand, since you are unable to accept any new understanding of the situation, cannot phantom the existence of new perceptions, and blindly persist to claim you know the truth with only your partial perception.

 

Funny, you say that. It's actually the opposite. I am unattached, afraid of commitment. I value independence and I have left many things and people simply because I felt they should not be part of my world.

 

You assume a whole lot, dear. Learn to be modest.

[Auguria]

Hahahahaha I'm sorry but you are absolutely hopeless. Haven't you stopped and thought about the fact that your MAN is hanging out with his friend's Ex.

 

Oh well lol good luck.

 

What in the world... ?

Are you seriously making this point? My god, where can I find you women?

This friend and my bf's best friend dated 5 years ago. And my boyfriend saw her only twice. They are only acquitances and hadn't seen or spooken to each other for the past two years.

I can't anymore.

[JessieJ08]

About snooping I love how boys urn that into in a situation to turn against someone thats not healthy when someone finds something wrong in a relationship you shouldn't turn on them when your actions are in question. Its not them doing wrong if you love someone and are innocent snooping shouldn't be an issue now there is a difference if someone is always asking questions looking through your personal stuff but if its a one time thing your privacy isn't being invaded that person wants to make sure what they have is real that should be looked at as respectable not as an invasion. Again if they only do it the one time with valid reasons.

[CrystalCastles]

Now, GET LOST!

 

Er.

 

This is a public forum. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, whether you agree with it or not. You don't get to decide what is posted on here by other people.

 

I don't know why you keep refusing to listen to what people are telling you. Instead of telling people that they're doing a poor job of reading your posts, why don't you stop denying the truth they are saying here? Because they are speaking from experience.

[Mascara]

OP still missing the point.

 

I don't care how much "new evidence" you find to support your desperation to hang onto him.

 

The only thing that matters in this, the only thing you should be challenging him about at this point, is the fact that he LIED ABOUT KNOWING YOU HAD SNOOPED.

 

The fact that he came up with this pathetic excuse should tell you all you need to know - that he was doing something that he NEVER intended for you to find out about, so much so that he continued to lie - with this pretence that he knew you'd snooped - instead of coming clean.

 

Go on OP. Completely misunderstand that again.

[StarsOnFire]

What in the world... ?

This friend and my bf's best friend dated 5 years ago. And my boyfriend saw her only twice. They are only acquitances and hadn't seen or spooken to each other for the past two years.

 

Then why was he so determined to go get drinks with her? Honestly, I'd feel really weird if my fiance was texting his friends ex, who he obviously doesn't hang out with, and isn't truly friends with, trying to go get a drink with her AND not telling you!! At any point. Like, I'd think when he sent her the 1st msg he'd be like, oh yeah, I sent xxx a text to see her before she leaves!

 

He knew I knew about him having plans to meet with a girl way before they made actual plans.

 

No. He did NOT know you knew he had plans to meet up with this girl. As there weren't set plans. It's complete bs he had a feeling you read his texts, just throwing that out there. That part is a lie, there's no way he'd know you read the text. Period. AND he deleted them, who does that? Why wouldn't he keep them if they were innocent? What did he freak out about that he needed to hide? Convenient he left the innocent parts, why weren't those deleted too on his freak out deleting spree?

 

The last part I find weird is that, he told you the other time she had asked him to go to something. Now this time, he's initiating, he's basically asking her out on a date. Not to a grab a coffee in the middle of the day thing, not a come hang out with me and my girlfriend thing, not to come to a rally with his friends. A let's get drinks at night, date. That he didn't mention to you, ever. Your gut told you to check his phone, I find it's best to follow your gut feeling, even if it's a place you don't to see.

 

I'm not trying to be rude, I just feel for you b/c I'm like you and I would rather eat up the excuses he's making and believe it was all just innocent. He may not have physically cheated on you, but why so determined to hang out with an old acquaintance? Doesn't sound like her boyfriend was there either, is that not strange to you? If she knows about you, wouldn't she WANT to meet you? To me it just sounds like a bad place to go.

 

I hope it works out, I hope you do whatever you feel is right, it's your relationship and you should be the judge of what you can and cannot put up with. I feel for you, esp b/c he's been so open and honest in the past. Which,to me, makes this an even bigger red flag. I honestly hope it was a one-off thing.

[Auguria]

Thanks ladies.

I have a lot to take into account. I appreciate the help of all of you.

Definitely, will not be back with him for now. I have a lot to think about and I'm taking my time. As long as I need to reach a decision.

 

Wish you guys luck!

[Janesays]

Judging by the title of the thread, I think the OP was expecting people to say she's over reacting.

 

But when she came here and everyone instead confirmed her fears that he's likely a Cheater McCheater who Cheats, she got bent out of shape.

 

She never wanted the truth. She just wanted us to soothe her fears.

 

Don't worry everyone, she'll learn in time.

[JourneyLady]

If more people (not just women, but also men) trusted their gut feeling and looked for evidence and then confronted their partners about cheating, fewer people would get away with cheating / get rewarded for it by having one foot in your door and their d*ck in another's vagina (or their vagina around another's d*ck). More people would walk away from relationships with the full realization that their partner REALLY DID cheat on them, and not that they are crazy, imagining things, etc. If I suspect something and there are real red flags, I will investigate. I need to protect myself and my sanity. That's the bottom line. It does me no good to put my head in the sand (as Katzee noted), when there are serious reasons to suspect something is wrong.

 

That said, some people are truly suspicious for no good reason, because they are insecure. If that's the case, then they need to take a deep long look in the mirror and work on their problems. A woman did this to me and a guy friend of mine whom she was dating. She "suspected" something was wrong and that we were having an affair (LOL! I would NEVER ever date that guy or have sex with him, I just don't look at him like that, and he doesn't turn me on and isn't my type at all, and I do NOT flirt at all, or see him much!). Based on what? On the fact that I was "posting too much on his facebook." WHAT? That's no reason to snoop on someone's phone, and that's outright insecurity and not "gut feeling." There is a difference between insecurity-fueled suspicion, and a deep, nagging gut feeling that something is terribly wrong.

 

Is it just that he wouldn't cheat with _you_ or did you actually believe that he wasn't capable of cheating at all? Because it's possible that he could cheat with someone -- just you being the wrong "suspect". Maybe her gut was telling her something... but you were the only opposite sex person she was aware of? Do you 100% believe that the guy was not cheating on her at all? Just curious...

[ExpatInItaly]

I hope you can be strong and never talk to this man again. Let him be a liar to some other poor girl.

 

2nd that.

 

There are so many gaping holes in his story. His cover-up is laughable. OP, you deserve someone who will be honest and not manipulate or guilt-trip you when you catch him lying. Let the girl in China deal with that!

[KatZee]

I would never hang out with a friends ex I mean really what's the point?

 

^^ this.

 

Especially since you keep reiterating that this girl is just a mere acquaintance. It's actually kind of weird that he would hang out with his friend's ex. That's kind of a no-no. His loyalty is to his friend, not this girl he's only met "once or twice." If she had been some sort of great friend from the get go, I could understand it, but it's not.

 

So not only is he initiating to go out for drinks with a girl he barely even knows, he also initiated these plans without ever planning on telling YOU.

 

It's smart that you're not with him now, but I truly hope you don't let him sweet talk you into getting back together. That's the vibe I get from your posts here though. :/

 

I have a friend now that started hanging out with his friends ex. And it wasn't for platonic reasons. He's actually with her now.

Edited October 3, 2013 by KatZee

[ConstantVoyager]

About snooping I love how boys urn that into in a situation to turn against someone thats not healthy when someone finds something wrong in a relationship you shouldn't turn on them when your actions are in question. Its not them doing wrong if you love someone and are innocent snooping shouldn't be an issue now there is a difference if someone is always asking questions looking through your personal stuff but if its a one time thing your privacy isn't being invaded that person wants to make sure what they have is real that should be looked at as respectable not as an invasion. Again if they only do it the one time with valid reasons.

 

As a girl who has never cheated, I don't agree. There is no such thing as "innocent snooping." Invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy.

 

If you have suspicions, talk to your partner. If you continue to have suspicions, it's not a healthy relationship. End it.

 

I had one boyfriend snoop on me. He read my electronic journal. He ultimately confessed. I dumped him immediately. Just because someone is my partner doesn't mean they get to crawl up into every private corner of my life.

[KatZee]

As a girl who has never cheated, I don't agree. There is no such thing as "innocent snooping." Invasion of privacy is invasion of privacy.

 

If you have suspicions, talk to your partner. If you continue to have suspicions, it's not a healthy relationship. End it.

 

I had one boyfriend snoop on me. He read my electronic journal. He ultimately confessed. I dumped him immediately. Just because someone is my partner doesn't mean they get to crawl up into every private corner of my life.

 

You must have missed a lot of the posts early on. If someone is being given a reason to feel something is off, if that person is jeopardizing the mental and physical health of their partner, then they are fully validated in finding out whats going on.

 

No one said anything about snooping for the hell of it, or just for fun, or just because one person is insecure and needs to be reassured nothing is going on.

 

We're talking about doing the investigation if someone is giving you a legit reason for doing so. Blatant lies, inconsistencies, shady behavior.

 

I'm going to say this for the 35th time. There is no such thing as "talking to a partner" that you are suspicious of. If you know for a fact this person is lying to your face, talking to them is a waste of time. They will hide things further, they will become even more sneaky. Cheaters are liars and there's no such thing as an honest conversation with these people.

 

No one here is talking about a person who is honest, and faithful and just snooping on them.

[Mascara]

It's an interesting concept - "Hey, I wanted to talk to you. I think things have been a bit off lately, and to be honest I think you're having an affair. I don't have any proof, but I really do believe you are. Are you?"

 

If someone actually is having an affair, how are they going to reply?

[tlegend]

It's an interesting concept - "Hey, I wanted to talk to you. I think things have been a bit off lately, and to be honest I think you're having an affair. I don't have any proof, but I really do believe you are. Are you?"

 

If someone actually is having an affair, how are they going to reply?

 

I've been in this situation. I've had the girlfriend that was using my insecurity as a way to have the "inside scoop" on what I was thinking or picking up, and using it to find even more devious ways to **** her ****buddy.

 

Even when confronted with that question, she continued to deny it. Even when caught red-handed, she continued to deny it.

 

Disclaimer - This woman was also bipolar and off her medication, so.....there's that.

[NoMoreJerks]

Is it just that he wouldn't cheat with _you_ or did you actually believe that he wasn't capable of cheating at all? Because it's possible that he could cheat with someone -- just you being the wrong "suspect". Maybe her gut was telling her something... but you were the only opposite sex person she was aware of? Do you 100% believe that the guy was not cheating on her at all? Just curious...

I am not sure, really. On the one hand, he's the most socially awkward person I've seen. On the other hand, he had no trouble finding a new girlfriend to land on, after things ended with his previous gf. And in between those two,he had propositioned that we have sex, and I had told him that I don't accept that sort of thing. He dropped it since then and we were just friends, and then he found his gf shortly thereafter. He strikes me as the excessively clingy type and not the type that would cheat, but who knows. I mean, this guy even traveled around the world with her, going to places like Germany, Greece, etc., a month or two after they started dating (which to me doesn't indicate a very healthy relationship, because it seems so fastforwarded). But who knows, maybe appearances are misleading and socially awkward people aren't so awkward after all and can get laid just as easily. But she is really a head case for going after me because of the number of comments I had on his facebook. I mean, really, that's just stupid. If she had suspicions, the worst thing one can do (except with a chump whom she doesn't respect in the first place), is accuse him without evidence, and make such outrageous demands as ending friendships. That's just cray cray. She really treated this guy like a chump, and he accepted it and did what she demanded.