Overacting at Boyfriend lying? I think not!

[Auguria]

Why does "M" get to join them and not you?

 

Why is he keeping you and his friendship with her completely separate?

 

Because that very night we had an argument ( nothing to do with our relationship) - and I went at his place, took all my stuff and said I needed space to think about it. Plus, we are both new to the city. He only knows three or four people here and they are not friends but rather college acquitances so they've hung out only two times together ( the girl in question included). In our other town, I know his friends and he knows mine.

[Mascara]

, unbenknownst to me, he thought I had looked through his messages.

 

No he didn't, he had no idea until you confronted him.

 

But I agree, you need to take some time out. As I said before - I don't think your relationship can survive this unless he's prepared to admit he lied about knowing you'd looked through his phone.

 

That's the key thing you need to discuss, yet you're not even factoring that into your thoughts. You're just blindly believing that he knew all along you'd seen his phone.

[Auguria]

Apologies, OP, I know you wanted to end the debate. But reading this convo, one thing jumps out at me (and perhaps you've already addressed this, sorry if I missed it) Had your boyfriend already mentioned a possible meet-up with this girl, and had he invited you along?

 

Yep, he had. She had invited him for a rally with a group of her friends. He was thinking about going and had mentioned it to me. I had to travel that weekend and so I had to catch a early flight. The airport is very far from our city and we don't have a car, so he decided to accompany me to the airport and never got to go there. And he also had other plans.

[Auguria]

You have had LDR until recently, right?

 

Did you move to him or did he make that sacrifice/change?

 

And he's had her as a hookup? And you don't think this was one last time before she moved?

 

And why did he need to with hold the truth IF he had nothing to hide?

 

I don't find him believable.

 

You knew they were meeting - but not because he offered that truth. Stop making his lies ok.

 

We have been LDR yes. We met in real life, but we had to part for a few months because of my studies. He would be the one to make all of the travels to see me. He almost refused to take the offer for the job that he currently holds preferring to wait and look for a job in my city risking to be deported ( he had a student visa and needed to find a job within a limited amount of time to retain his visa )...

 

I moved in our current city for an awesome work opportunity, not only for him. And had I not had this work opportunity, I wouldn't have moved in solely for him.

 

And no. He has never hooked up with her. She used to be his best friend's ex girlfriend. That's how he knows her. They had not communicated since they had graduated college, two years ago. He was looking for people that he might know while going through the alumni list in his college. That's how he also got to talk to the other 2 people he knows here.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Auguria

[2sunny]

But all along you THOUGHT this woman was a basic friend to him - yet he had sex with her in the past, right - without telling you?

[NoMoreJerks]

So, yes, I knew they were going to meet. It didn't seem they had clear plans as to when or where yet. He showed me the rest of their text conversation when I confronted him. He had texted her the next few days telling her that they should grab a drink instead...

So, since I texted him about that art gallery after reading his conversation that he had with this girl, unbenknownst to me, he thought I had looked through his messages.

So HE didn't tell you that he was meeting up with someone, or that this person was a woman. You found out after you snooped.

[Auguria]

Omitting his truth looks like its part of his pattern.

 

He isn't earning trust - he's destroying it.

 

I'm sorry, but this doesn't have anything to do with the present. It was my hangup. That is all. Moreover, it is not like I got to become great friends with these girls. One of them I met her for three days, the other for less than one. They were hook ups that had happened respectively 4 and 2 years prior to him meeting me. He hooked up with one of them during his freshman year, while drunk. The other one there was sexual tension but nothing ever happened since that girl kept changing her mind about wanting to have a serious or casual relationship. When he met me, he was emotionally and physically unattached.

[NoMoreJerks]

Yep, he had. She had invited him for a rally with a group of her friends. He was thinking about going and had mentioned it to me. I had to travel that weekend and so I had to catch a early flight. The airport is very far from our city and we don't have a car, so he decided to accompany me to the airport and never got to go there. And he also had other plans.

So this woman asks him out several times, doesn't even suggest that your bf should bring yo along. Are we sure that she knows he has a gf?

[Auguria]

But all along you THOUGHT this woman was a basic friend to him - yet he had sex with her in the past, right - without telling you?

 

WHAT? NO!!!

He has never had any relationship with her at ALL.

No sex, no deep friendship! NOTHING!

he simply knew her as an acquitance since she had dated his best friend about three years ago. They hadn't communicated in more than two years, when he moved to our current city. He was looking through the alumni list of his college to see if there was any alumni that he knew in the city when he stumbled upon her name and the names of two other guys.

[Auguria]

So this woman asks him out several times, doesn't even suggest that your bf should bring yo along. Are we sure that she knows he has a gf?

 

Humph. They have met only twice. ONCE was is a group. The second time was well... now. But yeah, you're right. I should definitely know if she knows about my existence.

[NoMoreJerks]

He lied to you for an acquaintance? That's all the more insulting and infuriating. He would've risked your relationship / risk losing you by lying, all so that you wouldn't find out about his meet-up with this woman, which he had no reason to hide this much if she was truly just an acquaintance and since he knew you've never had issues with him hanging out with the opposite sex...

[NoMoreJerks]

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. I hope you will get to keep your eyes / ears open in the future.

[Auguria]

So, yes, I knew they were going to meet. It didn't seem they had clear plans as to when or where yet. He showed me the rest of their text conversation when I confronted him. He had texted her the next few days telling her that they should grab a drink instead...

So, since I texted him about that art gallery after reading his conversation that he had with this girl, unbenknownst to me, he thought I had looked through his messages.

So HE didn't tell you that he was meeting up with someone, or that this person was a woman. You found out after you snooped.

 

No, no. You misunderstood.

 

So: I look through the text message on Sunday morning. He had texted her on Friday night ( the conversation I told you about). That's when they planned to meet up sometime next week. In that same conversation, she tells him about checking out that art gallery if he's up for it ( I didn't read that part then, but he showed it to me when confronted). ... So it's Sunday and I know they are going to meet sometime during the week or week end. We spent Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights together. Thursday morning, he texts her back saying that he'd prefer grabbing a drink instead as he has other things to do later on. he calls me on Thursday night to let me know his plans for friday: he is going to meet with a friend for drinks since he/she 's leaving for China and then meet up with his other two guy friends.

[Auguria]

He lied to you for an acquaintance? That's all the more insulting and infuriating. He would've risked your relationship / risk losing you by lying, all so that you wouldn't find out about his meet-up with this woman, which he had no reason to hide this much if she was truly just an acquaintance and since he knew you've never had issues with him hanging out with the opposite sex...

 

MY POINT: It doesn't make any freaking sense. WHATSOEVER!

 

Oh well. Thanks for your help anyway!

 

Wish you the best of luck, but most importantly, great happiness in love and life!

[2sunny]

I'm unsure about your details about this gal - but the principle of his matter still stands... He lies by eliminating info to you - that's not ok.

[robaday]

Im amazed at how vehement people on this forum are about this woman breaking up with a guy they have never met who she says has treated her really well overall over the past one and a half years, over a situation in which no cheating was found to have occurred, a white lie occured but has since been clarified and a woman who the op's bf had met for ONE drink has now left the country possibly for good so is not danger to their relationship.

 

If anything I would say the op wants out. This whole story would indicate an underlying willingness to leave this guy as if she wanted to stay with him this matter would have been dropped as soon as it was clarified by him.

[NoMoreJerks]

another incorrect conclusion. where you got that from i have absolutely no clue. when a person is bad at choosing partners, they are at higher risk of being cheated on.

So someone who has been in a committed marriage for 20 years, and then her husband cheats on her, was just bad at choosing partners? Are you serious? Hindsight is a great thing. Most of us are not born with psychic abilities, to predict whether a man (or a woman) is going to cheat 20 seconds, 3 days, or 20 years down the line. It has nothing to do with what the person being cheated on did, or who she selected. Most cheaters do not demonstrate any red flags, and are often highly compatible with the partners that they end up cheating on. As if cheating is about incompatibility! Geez. You've got a whole lot of growing up to do.

[ascendotum]

I'm unsure about your details about this gal - but the principle of his matter still stands... He lies by eliminating info to you - that's not ok.

 

I have only read a couple of pages of this thread. For me not mentioning something is not the same as lying, though I've seen it in numerous threads here where women do, but personally from my perspective omitting some information I will not feel guilty for lying. Both sexes do it. Lots of guy do that not necessarily because they are up to no good. They do it to avoid drama. Look at this thread for instance. If guys are with a woman who is somewhat distrustful of them or somewhat controlling, or insecure of attention they show other women or the time they spend out with their buddies, many will be inclined to leave things out of conversations just to avoid drama in their lives, and to avoid unnecessarily worrying their gf/wife. Many guys don't thrive on drama with their relationships, they want the opposite and they don't want things getting blown out of proportion, and many don't want to lose their identity or total freedom when in a relationship. The reality is though I much prefer a relationship where I don't have to do that, and communication is totally open & honest (both ways), with no need to 'just tell her what she wants to hear' or 'just tell her the minimum to keep it from becoming an issue'

[NoMoreJerks]

Look at this thread for instance. If guys are with a woman who is somewhat distrustful of them or somewhat controlling, or insecure of attention they show other women or the time they spend out with their buddies, many will be inclined to leave things out of conversations just to avoid drama in their lives

Except that OP apparently (according to her anyway) never ever gave him reason to suspect that there'd be any drama or that she'd get upset about him hanging out with a woman. If you read some of the posts, you will see that KatZee and I already mentioned that possibility, but I don't think that is the case in this situation.

[CrystalCastles]

another incorrect conclusion. where you got that from i have absolutely no clue. when a person is bad at choosing partners, they are at higher risk of being cheated on.

 

Huh?

 

You won't know if someone is a "bad partner" unless you've actually gotten to know them. Sure there might be red flags in the getting to know stage, but some people are good at hiding their bad side and convince you that they're perfect.

 

Cheaters don't wear big signs on their chests proclaiming "I'm a cheater". Unfortunately you have to find out for yourself is someone's bad or not.

[Auguria]

Except that OP apparently (according to her anyway) never ever gave him reason to suspect that there'd be any drama or that she'd get upset about him hanging out with a woman. If you read some of the posts, you will see that KatZee and I already mentioned that possibility, but I don't think that is the case in this situation.

 

Dude.

 

You seem to have no reading comprehension skills whatsoever, and a quasi inexistant logical compass. I simply cannot take you seriously.

 

From the very beginning, despite new information brought to light, new important details and nuances explained, you persist in claiming things that are simply not true, misunderstood, or miscommunicated so they can fit your poor and terribly sad understanding of love and relationships.

You have no desire to truly help me for you discard all informations that would help me figure out the truth... No, you are here for yourself.

 

Let me be clear once and for all: This is not a remake of what used to be your relationship. You don't get to relive it and somehow emerge victorious through my actions... The fact that you persist in coming back to this thread, passionately claiming things that you shouldn't claim as if you know me, my situation, my life so well that you can arrogantly and surely say that I shouldn't trust anyone but your perception ( a stranger on a forum!) because you somehow know ALL about cheating and men... I am not you. My boyfriend is not your ex boyfriend. This relationship is not semblable to yours in no capacity whatsoever. And until you understand that... until you understand that there are many other possibilities/explanations/perceptions out there than the one that you seem to always project on this forum, namely that all men are cheating scumbags at the first miscommunication/misunderstanding and despite evidence and facts and people proving that these men are saying the truth, you truly should not be giving advice. Your perception of relationships and men is jaded, you are easily influenced and quite frankly still prisoner of that ex of yours and his actions. He truly f***** you up. I am sorry about that.

 

This goes beyond my situation and this thread: there are women here who come to seek impartial and objective thoughts about their relationships. I am glad to say that I have a clear idea of who I am and what I have learned through my experiences. I seek to be fair and I am not easy to influence. Your bad advices, untruthful assessment of my situation, your emotional and illogical claims, your inability to separate facts from perceptions, as well as your arrogance in not seeing or refusing to see all of this do not touch me.

 

They might, however, touch other women who confused about a misunderstanding/miscommunication with their significant other persist in believing things that you might say to them, namely that their men is cheating on them because your ex boyfriend did this and that to you, and a married friend of yours did this and that to his wife etc... when there might simply be a misunderstanding/miscommunication and that based on the evidences and trust that the partners share, the relationship might continue its course.

 

Simply put, until you figure out that not all men are your ex-boyfriend, and that there might be perfectly good explanations to many situations other than "he's cheating on you", that all relationships are unique and individual and should not be compared to any other previous other relationship/experience but should only be judged on their past and present, you have no business giving wrong, unpartial, vengeful advice to any woman... but again, with your 2500+ comments, I'm afraid this post might come a bit too late...

 

Now, GET LOST!

Edited October 3, 2013 by Auguria

[Mascara]

And yet, you reply to NMJ endlessly, barely acknowledging or absorbing what other people are saying (talking about reading comprehension, you repeatedly failed to grasp my point)

 

You know what, you're 22 and you've never had a boyfriend before. Enjoy the glow of first love, secure in the knowledge that nothing could ever harm it.

 

I sincerely hope this man never hurts you, because you're not nearly as strong as you think you are.

[NoMoreJerks]

now you're just being a drama queen, OP. I and others have so far pointed out that we're not saying your bf is necessarily cheating (you seem not to know the difference between "necessarily" and "possibly") or that you should break up with him, but you seem to be pretty thick and insistent on missing the point. Whatever makes you feel better, I suppose. If you came here to get a chorus of agreements with your (bipolar) posts (you changed a 180 degrees from having a backbone to not having one), I can tell you that you will not get that. Maybe your friends have always told you what you wanted to hear, and maybe you have a streak of narcissism and head-in-the-sandism in you, but just because you cannot deal with disagreements and take it personally and refuse to acknowledge valid points and others' interpretations/opinions, doesn't mean it's anyone's problem. I am not sure what your obsession is with my ex. For the n-th time, this has nothing to do with my ex. Whatsoever. You seem to be creating drama about my ex, to deflect from the real issue here, which is your lying (and possibly cheating) bf. Oh well.

[KatZee]

No one is saying he's DEFINITELY cheating on you, or that he's DEFINITELY cheated on you... but one thing you need to understand, is that you're young and this is your very first relationship. That doesn't mean you don't know what love is, or what you have with him isn't real.

 

It just means that we're older, wiser, we've been through much more than you have. We've been around the block, we've seen games guys play. Fortunately, or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, the games some guys play are all pretty much the same, and consistent from relationship to relationship. Yes, people's relationships are all unique to the two people involved, but in the greater scheme, the things people do, what they lie about, how they go about lying/hiding/etc... follow the same patterns.

 

That's why tons of people on here saw right through the whole lying/hiding/deleting thing he was doing. Because it's been done before. Countless times. And very rarely do these behaviors end with "happily ever after."

 

There's one thing you need to see though. Your boyfriend is NOT as honest, truthful, and transparent as you have been lead to believe he is. I'm not sure if you saw my post, but I will restate it here. If you did not snoop through his phone, he would have done these things behind your back. He DID try to lie to you. When something is so blatant in your face, you would be very naive and foolish to simply ignore it, no matter how great you think he is.

 

I don't think anyone here flat out said, "just dump him!" We merely said: "keep your eyes open and watch his behaviors from here on out."

 

What I'm not understanding though, is that you've vehemently stated time and time again that he's so honest and that he's never given you any reason to distrust him but at the same time in the first post you stated a few times that you've had bad feelings, bad feelings that haven't gone away. Where are these bad feelings coming from? They usually don't come out of thin air.

 

You also need to be wise to not EVER put your trust so fully in anyone. People are people, and they WILL disappoint you, and most try to get away with stuff. I have yet, in my lifetime, ever met someone who was 110% honest, transparent, truthful, etc etc. It really just doesn't happen. Trust yourself first and foremost. But never give yourself so fully to another person that naively because that's whats going to ruin you every single time.

[NoMoreJerks]

No one is saying he's DEFINITELY cheating on you, or that he's DEFINITELY cheated on you... but one thing you need to understand, is that you're young and this is your very first relationship. That doesn't mean you don't know what love is, or what you have with him isn't real.

 

It just means that we're older, wiser, we've been through much more than you have. We've been around the block, we've seen games guys play. Fortunately, or unfortunately, whichever way you want to look at it, the games some guys play are all pretty much the same, and consistent from relationship to relationship. Yes, people's relationships are all unique to the two people involved, but in the greater scheme, the things people do, what they lie about, how they go about lying/hiding/etc... follow the same patterns.

 

That's why tons of people on here saw right through the whole lying/hiding/deleting thing he was doing. Because it's been done before. Countless times. And very rarely do these behaviors end with "happily ever after."

 

There's one thing you need to see though. Your boyfriend is NOT as honest, truthful, and transparent as you have been lead to believe he is. I'm not sure if you saw my post, but I will restate it here. If you did not snoop through his phone, he would have done these things behind your back. He DID try to lie to you. When something is so blatant in your face, you would be very naive and foolish to simply ignore it, no matter how great you think he is.

 

I don't think anyone here flat out said, "just dump him!" We merely said: "keep your eyes open and watch his behaviors from here on out."

 

What I'm not understanding though, is that you've vehemently stated time and time again that he's so honest and that he's never given you any reason to distrust him but at the same time in the first post you stated a few times that you've had bad feelings, bad feelings that haven't gone away. Where are these bad feelings coming from? They usually don't come out of thin air.

 

You also need to be wise to not EVER put your trust so fully in anyone. People are people, and they WILL disappoint you, and most try to get away with stuff. I have yet, in my lifetime, ever met someone who was 110% honest, transparent, truthful, etc etc. It really just doesn't happen. Trust yourself first and foremost. But never give yourself so fully to another person that naively because that's whats going to ruin you every single time.

I can't like this post enough times. KatZee, we've all been repeating the same thing over and over again that you just said here, but OP refuses to understand and accept what we are saying. We're not asking her to completely distrust her bf, or to dump him, as I and countless others have made clear time and again. She is just being a drama queen and fighting us, instead of facing the truth. It's just easier and less painful that way. What she doesn't realize is that while it may be more comfortable to do that in the short run, it's going to be more painful in the long run, if / when she finds out that her guy was in fact cheating on her or seeing other women behind her back. For now, though, I really think OP should look into herself and think about why she went from "I have a backbone and will dump his pathetic *ss if I even so much as find out he lied" to making excuses for him to convince herself that he didn't even lie (not even talking about cheating here!). I really think that's coming from a very unhealthy place and an unhealthy sort of attachment to her bf.

Edited October 3, 2013 by NoMoreJerks