Overacting at Boyfriend lying? I think not!

[ConstantVoyager]

A lot of this drama can be avoided by acknowledging the fact that men and women often have opposite-gender friends and that these relationships are fine and healthy and not something that need to be downplayed or hidden from partners.

 

I know my boyfriend sometimes has lunch or dinner or drinks with female friends, and I don't care. Because I don't make a national issue of it, he feels perfectly fine telling me about it. No reason for subterfuge or lying.

 

If we're not spending the night together, I end up hearing about these get togethers that night on the phone before we go to bed separately.

 

I would never ever snoop on a boyfriend. If I felt uneasy or paranoid in the relationship, I would talk to him about that. If my feelings of unease couldn't be resolved, it would be a sign that the relationship was fundamentally unhealthy and I would break up with him.

 

If you feel the need to snoop, you might as well just break up.

[KatZee]

i don't spend my entire life making nearly three thousand posts in a relationship board. i get out, see long island and of course just an hour away the big apple. this may be a cheating situation or something not to that level. may have been a misinterpretation or maybe not. obviously, trust is damaged but it is too early to jump to a conclusion.

 

Yeah, I lived on Long Island too. Nothing to brag about. I also live 7 miles from NYC now. I do plenty with my life. If you look next to my name it states: Join Date 2010.

 

Things do tend to accumulate over time.

[Mascara]

but we can't conclude they are the same situation. he may be a cheater but she's not sure and rather than make a rush to judgment, find out the truth. and gee whats with you ladies calling people you disagree with a troll or other names? we're all entitled to an opinion.

 

Er, because you said that we wouldn't be defending the poster if the gender roles were reversed?

 

Nobody's saying your views aren't valid, but where I switch off is where you try to make it a gender issue. I'm not interested in having a thread side-conversation with you about that.

[Mascara]

I know my boyfriend sometimes has lunch or dinner or drinks with female friends, and I don't care. Because I don't make a national issue of it, he feels perfectly fine telling me about it. No reason for subterfuge or lying.

 

That's fine, but it's not really the issue here - the issue is this situation, but with your boyfriend lying and telling you he was meeting a male friend.

[ConstantVoyager]

That's fine, but it's not really the issue here - the issue is this situation, but with your boyfriend lying and telling you he was meeting a male friend.

 

My point was that you don't set up a dynamic where your partner feels the need to lie, because it's no big deal if they are meeting an opposite-gender friend.

[Mascara]

My point was that you don't set up a dynamic where your partner feels the need to lie, because it's no big deal if they are meeting an opposite-gender friend.

 

Did you seriously just suggest that someone lying about this kind of thing is the fault of the person they are lying to?!

 

If he feels the need to lie, how about not doing it in the first place?

 

Option 1 - admit you're seeing a female friend and have an argument

Option 2 - lie about it

 

How about Option 3, don't do it... or Option 4 don't be in a relationship where you feel like you need to lie.

 

At some point, your guy might want to do something he knows you wouldn't like. And he thinks you'll have an argument about it. So assuming that he has made that decision and will definitely not be having that conversation with you - would you like him to lie to you, or just not do it?

[NoMoreJerks]

Did you seriously just suggest that someone lying about this kind of thing is the fault of the person they are lying to?!

 

If he feels the need to lie, how about not doing it in the first place?

 

Option 1 - admit you're seeing a female friend and have an argument

Option 2 - lie about it

 

How about Option 3, don't do it... or Option 4 don't be in a relationship where you feel like you need to lie.

 

At some point, your guy might want to do something he knows you wouldn't like. And he thinks you'll have an argument about it. So assuming that he has made that decision and will definitely not be having that conversation with you - would you like him to lie to you, or just not do it?

Yeah, it's the cheater's equivalent of the rapist's "you wouldn't have been raped if you hadn't worn provocative clothing." As found in "The Cheater's (and his/her supporters') Guide to Justifying Cheating and Lying."

[KatZee]

Did you seriously just suggest that someone lying about this kind of thing is the fault of the person they are lying to?!

 

If he feels the need to lie, how about not doing it in the first place?

 

Option 1 - admit you're seeing a female friend and have an argument

Option 2 - lie about it

 

How about Option 3, don't do it... or Option 4 don't be in a relationship where you feel like you need to lie.

 

At some point, your guy might want to do something he knows you wouldn't like. And he thinks you'll have an argument about it. So assuming that he has made that decision and will definitely not be having that conversation with you - would you like him to lie to you, or just not do it?

 

Ultimately, people are going to do what they want to do. Regardless if they are in a relationship or not. This is why tons of guys avoid commitment, they fear their loss of freedom.

 

Most girls would not like that their boyfriend goes out and hangs with opposite sex friends alone. So if the guy does this, more often than not, he's going to lie about it instead of being upfront.

 

I think instead of lying, the guy should create security for his girlfriend. Introduce the girlfriend to the ex, or the platonic female friend. Girlfriend and friend should get to know each other, and there shouldn't be any hidden secrets. This way if boyfriend and girl hang out and girlfriend isn't there, there isn't any hidden agendas or feelings of "what if."

 

I'd say most guys don't even think this far though. My ex had cheated on me, I stupidly stayed with him. He had this one female friend that he called his "best friend" and I always had sneaky suspicions that she was into him. She would make comments like, "you're such a great guy" "your girlfriends are so lucky" etc etc. I questioned if he and her ever had a past, or if he would ever date her and he didn't even answer me straight. He said something along the lines of, "why can't you leave that alone?"

 

I honestly got the vibe that he may have cheated on his ex prior to me with this girl.

 

He introduced me to this girl ONCE. In the three years we dated I always felt off about her, and because of only meeting her once, I never trusted her. Toward the end of our relationship when my ex and I were in a LDR he told me that this girl and her friend would be in his town and they were all going to hang out and he actually invited the both of them to sleep in his apartment with him. Just a note about his apartment, it was a studio and there was only a day bed. Two twin mattresses for three people, one small main room, and no couch.

 

I had hinted that I should be invited as well, since at that point I didn't even trust him since he had cheated on me once, and I had already questioned this girl...and he said, "I haven't seen her in so long. I think it's best if it's just us." I was LIVID.

 

There's a right way to go about having female friends, and a wrong way, and my situation was the complete wrong way.

 

I think OP's situation is the wrong way too. Hiding, sneaking, lying, and erasing information.

[NoMoreJerks]

I think instead of lying, the guy should create security for his girlfriend. Introduce the girlfriend to the ex, or the platonic female friend. Girlfriend and friend should get to know each other, and there shouldn't be any hidden secrets. This way if boyfriend and girl hang out and girlfriend isn't there, there isn't any hidden agendas or feelings of "what if."

I get this, but as I stated very early on in this thread, some men introduce the woman they're interested in, to their gf/wife, because they feel that way, their wife/gf would be less suspicious that something might be going on behind the scenes. Seriously, a very good friend of mine did this to his wife. His wife was devastated (she never suspected a thing and stumbled upon his facebook mssges by accident). I've since stopped talking to this guy. This stuff happens all the time. Fact is, cheaters will not stop at anything to hide their cheating/continue doing it. I'd just be careful about any possibility and keep my eyes and ears open, and not assume someone is incapable of cheating no matter what. And if I do suspect something, I'll take the freedom to snoop. It's better for me to know and protect myself, than to stick to some naive and principled stand about snooping (which is not about principles at all from the perspective of the cheater -- he's only opposed to snooping because he's got something to hide). He/she are interchangeable here, obviously.

[KatZee]

I get this, but as I stated very early on in this thread, some men introduce the woman they're interested in, to their gf/wife, because they feel that way, their wife/gf would be less suspicious that something might be going on behind the scenes. Seriously, a very good friend of mine did this to his wife. His wife was devastated (she never suspected a thing and stumbled upon his facebook mssges by accident). I've since stopped talking to this guy. This stuff happens all the time. Fact is, cheaters will not stop at anything to hide their cheating/continue doing it. I'd just be careful about any possibility and keep my eyes and ears open, and not assume someone is incapable of cheating no matter what. And if I do suspect something, I'll take the freedom to snoop. It's better for me to know and protect myself, than to stick to some naive and principled stand about snooping (which is not about principles at all from the perspective of the cheater -- he's only opposed to snooping because he's got something to hide). He/she are interchangeable here, obviously.

 

Oh, of course this happens to. At the end of the day, people are going to try and get away with as much as they feel they can get away with.

 

It's actually kind of scary to see how devolved people are, and how much of an agenda people usually have. I used to have this idea of true love, and that things could ultimately work out and that people are honest, and good hearted and always have good intentions. That's just not how the real world works.

 

I see that the OP is stuck in this frame of thinking. This guy is God's gift. He's totally honest, and open and transparent, and he'd never do anything to hurt her. It's mentalities like this that will come back to bite you in the a.ss every single time.

[Mascara]

I think it's because it's her first relationship. You always want that one to last, so I definitely have sympathy for the reality she's stumbled across.

 

But the positive is, it opens your eyes. Every time you get jerked around prepares you for the future.

[NoMoreJerks]

What exactly is she investigating at this point? I must've missed that. I thought she has decided he can never cheat. Maybe my problem is that I take her words for what they are supposed to mean. "He'd never cheat" to me means "he'd never cheat". Maybe to you, it means something else. But I see no investigation in "he'd never cheat."

[NoMoreJerks]

meanwhile most of the rest of us have friends, date, have relationships, but without all the drama/cheating. never cheated or been cheated on. have had plenty of girlfriends btw.

Are you implying that being cheated on has something to do with what the person who is being cheated on, does/says and how she dresses/looks like/behaves? Are you serious right now? Normal, decent people would leave their partner if they don't like the way she behaves/dresses/talks/whatever. They don't stick their d*ck in some other woman's vagina and then come home and stick it in the vagina of the partner whom they no longer "like." It's called decency.

Edited October 2, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[Maleficent]

I'm sure she only snooper due to suspicion.

 

I get what you're saying but in a trusting relationship there is no snooping

 

 

There should be nothing to hide.

 

The adult reaction to suspicion would be to confront the person about the suspicions. NOT snoop.

[Maleficent]

If they are not cheating or hiding anything then what's the problem with handing over the phone?

 

If she asks him to hand over the phone and he does, it's not snooping.

As far as I can tell, she didn't ask him to hand over his phone. She snooped while he was not there.

[NoMoreJerks]

The adult reaction to suspicion would be to confront the person about the suspicions. NOT snoop.

Only if you are dealing with decent, mature adults and not a scheming, lying cheater. I confronted my ex about my suspicions (after having snooped, which he did not know I had done). He said he loved me and would never cheat. I loved the look on his face when I told him he was lying and that I'd seen the proof on his phone. Truth is, he would've continued doing it behind my back and kept denying it, if I hadn't found evidence. In fact, if I had confronted him before looking for evidence, he would've made sure I'd never find it, and at some point probably would've accused me of being crazy.

[Mascara]

The adult reaction to suspicion would be to confront the person about the suspicions. NOT snoop.

 

In an ideal world, yes. But if you have very real suspicions that won't be shaken - but no evidence - the worst thing you can do is confront. Because then they will deny deny deny, even if they are up to something. And then cover their tracks even more.

 

Ask any betrayed partner. Most will say that their other half only confessed when confronted with irrefutable evidence.... not just suspicions.

[Auguria]

Some of you guys have really not read my posts, so:

 

FACTS IN GENERAL:

 

-Been together for 1 and a half.

-Has always been transparent about who he meets with/what he does/ where he goes. All this without me ever asking. He always makes sure I know where and what he does.

- We have a talk about our past. I get upset and keep rehashing the discussion over and over again. I can't let go.

- Does whatever he can to appease me.

- We are finally in the same city. All is good. I know he has 3-4 friends/acquitances from college in the city.

- Open gmails/facebook/ unlocked phone hang around the house. No issues.

- Whenever he receives a call, be it female/male , he picks it up in front of me.

 

FACTS ABOUT THE FEMALE FRIEND:

 

- She is his best friend's ex, went to the same college. That's how they know each other.

- They have been in the same city for less than 3 months.

- She helped him pinpoint a neighborhood to live in when he moved to our current city. I joined him less than a month later. Lived together for a month till I found my place.

- I was out of the city for a whole weekend and he made sure to let me know that "Marvin's ex-girlfriend" has invited him for a rally with some of her friends. He ultimately couldn't go because of other plans he had.

- As far as I have gathered so far he has only met her twice, one time in group, the other one for farewell drinks.

 

FACTS ABOUT THE INCIDENTS:

 

- I look through his text conversation.

- Find a friendly conversation about meeting up for a farewell something ( undecided if it would be drinks etc...)

- Do not finish to read the conversation. I'm fine.

- Text him later about a show for us to go watch.

- That female friend, in that conversation, has texted him about going to the same show.

- He says that upon reading my text, he had doubts if I had been through his phone or not. He said that he didn't want to accuse me falsely but that he believed I had.

- He said that he deleted the conversation because he felt violated and it was " a mechanical thing". He felt that he hadn't done anything but somehow felt the ned to protect himself and in a state of frenziness deleted it. He has not deleted the subsequent conversations with her, only the part of the conversation I read.

- They make definitive plans on Thursday night to grab a happy hour drink. He has later plans with his friends.

- Calls me on Thursday night to let me know his plans for Friday. He said he would grab a drink with " a friend who's leaving for China" and then meet up with his other friends.

- He knows I have been through his phone, and so decides to not talk gender specific when talking about this "friend". I remember he would switch between "he" and "she".

- Friday comes around. I don't answer his texts during the day and I am very cold. He calls me at 9:30, wants to come over and "fall asleep next to me at reasonable time". Stops home from the bar, picks up a movie and then comes to my place.

- When I confront him, he says that right then and there he was positive I had been through his phone as I kept telling him that "I KNEW" it was a girl and not a guy. He said that it was necessary for me to tell him that I had been through his phone, and that's why he persisted with the story.

- He said that although his behavior wasn't appropriate and he had been kicking himself for the past week for not having been upfront with me right away, he was deeply hurt by the fact that despite all of his efforts to show me his deep love, I had not been able to trust him. He said he had never given me any reason to ever think that he hadn't been open with me, that he had gone out of his way to always let me know his whereabouts, his deepest thoughts and desires.

- He only spent half a hour with this female friend, who turns out is the same girl he had told me about when I was out of town.

- He spent the next two hours with his male friends and then stopped by my place.

 

 

So there you have it. It is not a " I read your texts, you were dirty talking to this girl, sending pictures of your di**". It is not THAT straightforward. That is why I am not jumping to conclusions, just like some of you. And I am not nit-picking parts of info that suit my vision, and throwing away parts that contradict my thoughts. I'm actually pretty numb right now. It's more about the logical aspect of it at this point.

[NoMoreJerks]

Head, meet sand.

[Mascara]

I, for one, HAVE read your posts OP.

[lindsay1990]

Some of you guys have really not read my posts, so:

 

FACTS IN GENERAL:

 

-Been together for 1 and a half.

-Has always been transparent about who he meets with/what he does/ where he goes. All this without me ever asking. He always makes sure I know where and what he does.

- We have a talk about our past. I get upset and keep rehashing the discussion over and over again. I can't let go.

- Does whatever he can to appease me.

- We are finally in the same city. All is good. I know he has 3-4 friends/acquitances from college in the city.

- Open gmails/facebook/ unlocked phone hang around the house. No issues.

- Whenever he receives a call, be it female/male , he picks it up in front of me.

 

FACTS ABOUT THE FEMALE FRIEND:

 

- She is his best friend's ex, went to the same college. That's how they know each other.

- They have been in the same city for less than 3 months.

- She helped him pinpoint a neighborhood to live in when he moved to our current city. I joined him less than a month later. Lived together for a month till I found my place.

- I was out of the city for a whole weekend and he made sure to let me know that "Marvin's ex-girlfriend" has invited him for a rally with some of her friends. He ultimately couldn't go because of other plans he had.

- As far as I have gathered so far he has only met her twice, one time in group, the other one for farewell drinks.

 

FACTS ABOUT THE INCIDENTS:

 

- I look through his text conversation.

- Find a friendly conversation about meeting up for a farewell something ( undecided if it would be drinks etc...)

- Do not finish to read the conversation. I'm fine.

- Text him later about a show for us to go watch.

- That female friend, in that conversation, has texted him about going to the same show.

- He says that upon reading my text, he had doubts if I had been through his phone or not. He said that he didn't want to accuse me falsely but that he believed I had.

- He said that he deleted the conversation because he felt violated and it was " a mechanical thing". He felt that he hadn't done anything but somehow felt the ned to protect himself and in a state of frenziness deleted it. He has not deleted the subsequent conversations with her, only the part of the conversation I read.

- They make definitive plans on Thursday night to grab a happy hour drink. He has later plans with his friends.

- Calls me on Thursday night to let me know his plans for Friday. He said he would grab a drink with " a friend who's leaving for China" and then meet up with his other friends.

- He knows I have been through his phone, and so decides to not talk gender specific when talking about this "friend". I remember he would switch between "he" and "she".

- Friday comes around. I don't answer his texts during the day and I am very cold. He calls me at 9:30, wants to come over and "fall asleep next to me at reasonable time". Stops home from the bar, picks up a movie and then comes to my place.

- When I confront him, he says that right then and there he was positive I had been through his phone as I kept telling him that "I KNEW" it was a girl and not a guy. He said that it was necessary for me to tell him that I had been through his phone, and that's why he persisted with the story.

- He said that although his behavior wasn't appropriate and he had been kicking himself for the past week for not having been upfront with me right away, he was deeply hurt by the fact that despite all of his efforts to show me his deep love, I had not been able to trust him. He said he had never given me any reason to ever think that he hadn't been open with me, that he had gone out of his way to always let me know his whereabouts, his deepest thoughts and desires.

- He only spent half a hour with this female friend, who turns out is the same girl he had told me about when I was out of town.

- He spent the next two hours with his male friends and then stopped by my place.

 

 

So there you have it. It is not a " I read your texts, you were dirty talking to this girl, sending pictures of your di**". It is not THAT straightforward. That is why I am not jumping to conclusions, just like some of you. And I am not nit-picking parts of info that suit my vision, and throwing away parts that contradict my thoughts. I'm actually pretty numb right now. It's more about the logical aspect of it at this point.

 

 

I read your posts but maybe I missed your point then, about it being more about the lying (or ability to bend the truth) and not about him actually cheating?

[NoMoreJerks]

I find it bizarre that you think it's normal for a woman to ask a man who has a partner, to go see a show with her. I for one do not do that with my (male) friends, or if I were to ask them via text, I'd use plural (maybe you and your partner/gf can join me ?).

 

He only spent half a hour with this female friend

According to whom.

[GorillaTheater]

I find it bizarre that you think it's normal for a woman to ask a man who has a partner, to go see a show with her. I for one do not do that with my (male) friends, or if I were to ask them via text, I'd use plural (maybe you and your partner/gf can join me ?).

 

I've never been too keen on my SO dating others, myself.

[Mascara]

And let's not forget he deleted the conversation, so whether or not she asked him about the show is debatable. It could have just been he had to think of something the OP said.

[Auguria]

What exactly is she investigating at this point? I must've missed that. I thought she has decided he can never cheat. Maybe my problem is that I take her words for what they are supposed to mean. "He'd never cheat" to me means "he'd never cheat". Maybe to you, it means something else. But I see no investigation in "he'd never cheat."

 

Dear. You seem to know me and my situation very well, since you sound so certain of yourself.

 

Listen, I am not going to repeat myself since you keep not reading my posts and persist in talking about your boyfriend's behavior and how he was a cheater and what a scumbag he was. I get that. But please, bear in mind your situation is VERY different from mine. My boyfriend has never been to Thailand, never seen prostitutes, and certainly has never disrespected me the way your ex-boyfriend openly did with you.

 

Your boyfriend is a vile human being. The reason why I cannot take your point of view in consideration is because all of your perception is based on the terrible actions of your boyfriend. Simply put you lack objectivity when dealing with my situation. You are seeing my boyfriend's actions through the lenses and actions of what that man did to you. Despite all of the posts and evidences clearly demonstrating that there was NO CHEATING, you persist in claiming so, simply because you cannot imagine any other possible explanations that the one you have personally been through: cheating.