Overacting at Boyfriend lying? I think not!

[TheGuard13]

Wait, what did he lie about? Did he lie or just not tell you about it?

[robaday]

Throughout our relationship, he has never shown any signs of unfaithfulness , not as much as checking out another woman.

 

Then why are you checking his phone? This really doesnt add up at all

 

What did you guys argue about on the Friday? that seems to be the big issue here! Ive had arguments with my gf and in order to destress just gone out drinking with friends and thinking it will all be resolved. Could be, as the argument was really bad, he had no idea you guys would still be together and deleted anything that could be seen as dodgy from his phone

 

If one person snoops, or doesnt trust you you can sense it. And I hate to say it rather than be more open with the person often times you just act even more suspicious by trying to cover anything absolutely anything that could be perceived as dishonest........just saying from personal experience of dating someone who didnt trust me, it didnt make me more open just made me more closed

[Mascara]

I love the justification of "I had to lie, because she would have given me a hard time otherwise". Like that's the only other option - 1. Tell her and get a hard time or 2. Lie about it.

 

How about option 3., don't bloody do it in the first place. If you choose to do something you know she won't like, deal with the consequences or don't do it. Lying about it should not be one of the options.

[NoMoreJerks]

Throughout our relationship, he has never shown any signs of unfaithfulness , not as much as checking out another woman.

 

Then why are you checking his phone? This really doesnt add up at all

 

What did you guys argue about on the Friday? that seems to be the big issue here! Ive had arguments with my gf and in order to destress just gone out drinking with friends and thinking it will all be resolved. Could be, as the argument was really bad, he had no idea you guys would still be together and deleted anything that could be seen as dodgy from his phone

 

If one person snoops, or doesnt trust you you can sense it. And I hate to say it rather than be more open with the person often times you just act even more suspicious by trying to cover anything absolutely anything that could be perceived as dishonest........just saying from personal experience of dating someone who didnt trust me, it didnt make me more open just made me more closed

I get that he has not given her reason to be suspicious until now, but she WAS suspicious, and his behaviour was weird/suspicious. Sure, it may be what Katzee said it could be (that there's nothing going on , but he didn't want her to think there was, just cos he was meeting up with a girl). But it could ALSO be the case that he likes this girl and wants to keep a foothold in her life, because he sees her as a potential alternative to his gf. We can never know for sure. I know a man who appeared so damn loyal to his wife, his wife never ever suspected anything or imagined he'd do that sort of thing. There was no indication that he'd do it or that he'd done it or was doing it. Then, out of the blue, it turned out that he was cheating on her. She was suspicious and checked his facebook mssges when he had forgotten to log out. There's a first time for everything, including cheating! And many cases of cheating, the person being cheated on is usually totally oblivious to any signs and discovers by accident or many years after the fact or whatever. It's OK to have female friends, but why not be transparent? Has OP given her bf reason to believe she would bust his balls just because he had a female friend? I don't know, something just doesn't add up. It could be an innocent dumb thing he did, so as not to upset her unnecessarily, but it could also be more than that. This is why it is important to snoop and get hard evidence. Some people will always cover their tracks enough for them not to get discovered, though. It sounds like her bf knows what he's doing with the deletion of mssges, etc.

[robaday]

the ones who scream the loudest and most indignantly about how 'awful' snooping is have obviously never had a REAL long-term relationship where they'd invested everything into that person emotionally and had maybe made a life change to BE with that person.

 

Still doesnt mean you own that person.....

[NoMoreJerks]

the ones who scream the loudest and most indignantly about how 'awful' snooping is have obviously never had a REAL long-term relationship where they'd invested everything into that person emotionally and had maybe made a life change to BE with that person.

 

Still doesnt mean you own that person.....

No one said she owns her bf. Snooping doesn't mean you own someone. It means you are looking out for your interests (both emotional and PHYSICAL health) and are gathering evidence that will allow you to decide whether to exit the relationship. You are doing it for yourself, not for anyone else. You need to know where you stand with this person. The alternative you suggest is not really an alternative. Put up with it or just leave without evidence if you are suspicious, is what you are suggesting. Not reasonable. Who would leave just because they suspect something is off? That's ridiculous and retarded. If everyone did that, there'd be no one in relationships on this planet. People have given their unsuspecting partners such nasties as HIV and other STDs. I don't want to be yet another statistic like that. Especially if I suspect something. I only get one chance at this life, and I'm not going to throw it away because of some ridiculous uptightness about not snooping.

 

Funny how cheaters always claim you abused their trust because you snooped on them, and now they can't trust you anymore, but in reality, theirs was the biggest breach of trust. If you cheat on someone, you get no right to complain about someone snooping on you, as simple as that. So now what, someone isn't allowed to follow their partner, to see if he's really meeting who he says he's meeting, if she's suspicious? She's just supposed to take his word for it, until he comes clean and admits he's cheating? Really? Funny how my ex had told me he had (supposedly) caught his ex cheating on him by snooping on her phone and at her workplace, and when I did the same to him (oh, how the tables turn!) , he didn't like it at all, and was all of a sudden against snooping. Yeah. Because he was caught. Because he had something to hide. Anyway, I even gave him the chance to come clean. He chose not to. I think I approached it very maturely and appropriately.

[robaday]

So now what, someone isn't allowed to follow their partner, to see if he's really meeting who he says he's meeting, if she's suspicious? She's just supposed to take his word for it

 

If a gf of mine followed me around like that i would be really pissed off!!

[KatZee]

So now what, someone isn't allowed to follow their partner, to see if he's really meeting who he says he's meeting, if she's suspicious? She's just supposed to take his word for it

 

If a gf of mine followed me around like that i would be really pissed off!!

 

Give someone a reason to check up on you and they're going to do it. If you're consistent, transparent, faithful and honest, there shouldn't be an issue.

 

Unless you're dating a psycho.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, I don't condone snooping. If I find a Mofo cheating. I'm done. The relationship is over, but I'll probably sleep with another guy first on my way out to get even...then I'll send my ex the video of it.

Careful, he might post it on amateur porn sites.

[NoMoreJerks]

So now what, someone isn't allowed to follow their partner, to see if he's really meeting who he says he's meeting, if she's suspicious? She's just supposed to take his word for it

 

If a gf of mine followed me around like that i would be really pissed off!!

If you had done what OP's bf did (secretly meet up with a girl), yes, I am sure you'd be pissed off? I'd say there's nothing to be pissed off about if you haven't done anything wrong / have nothing to hide?? Most people aren't psychos who stalk their boyfriends (that doesn't even make any sense, why would anyone stalk their partner, especially if it's someone whom they live with)? Sure you wouldn't like it, if you were the OP's bf. Because you had something to hide. No one in their right mind would follow someone around unless they had reason to suspect something was horribly wrong.

[headinthecloud]

So how did the discussion go?

[Vyliss]

Your thinking sounds rather immature if you ask me. I used to think the same when I was young but you know people aren't perfect, things happen and sometimes we don't make the best judgements at the time, doesn't mean we're not good people over all or this guy doesn't have other attributes that are great for you. You will never find a perfect guy or a perfect relationship, you just need to find someone you love - the good and at least tolerate the bad. The good should severely outweigh the bad tho. Personally there is worse than lying and hiding a text conversation - men especially will 'lie' when they know the truth will hurt the person they love.

Also ever thought that he needs help in resolving these kind of problems because he just is inexperienced and not sure how he should act/behave?

Be angry and have an argument but just dumping the guy is way too much and also it doesn't help you grow and learn what really makes a relationship work.

[btc8]

Most cheaters are the best liars.

 

They rehearse their lies and stories.

 

Most would never be caught unless there is evidence.

 

Im pretty sure that someone would not end a relationship based on speculation.

 

I know i would need proof.

 

Proof provided that your suspicions were correct. If you snooped and they were incorrect, would you tell me that you'd say to your SO that you snooped?

 

I won't speak for you, but I don't think I would.

[Els]

Guys, trust me, if the OP had been male with a lying girlfriend, Keenly's responses would have been the polar opposite. I wouldn't bother with him.

 

OP - just checking in; you said you'd confront him about the messages you found. Did you? What was his response?

[Auguria]

Guys, trust me, if the OP had been male with a lying girlfriend, Keenly's responses would have been the polar opposite. I wouldn't bother with him.

 

OP - just checking in; you said you'd confront him about the messages you found. Did you? What was his response?

 

Well, dear Elswyth...

 

As he turns out, he actually met up with her for less than half an hour after work, simply for a farewell drink. She proposed him to then meet up with a group of her friends to continue the festivities, but he politely declined as he had other plans with his male friends and wanted to " fall asleep next to me at a reasonable time"... It is all verifiable.

 

What happened is perhaps coincidence, misfortune or luck. Anyway, as it turns out he knew I had checked his text message all along. To tell you the truth when I saw his conversation on the phone, I felt terribly guilty (as this was the very first time I was touching his phone) and I read only three or four replies and did not finish the conversation. It was a perfectly a friendly conversation, and so I did not feel the need to look further.

 

It was his birthday that week, so I was looking forward to make some plans and for us to have a great time. A few hours after reading his text, I texted him about this show I had heard about from work. It is a quite known show in our city. What I didn't know is that this female friend had also told him about this show during their text conversation. Thus, unbeknownst to me, he put two and two together and decided that the best way to go about it was to pretend this female friend was a guy, so I could confess... which I obviously did when we saw each other. While I know that my behavior was not appropriate, and I own and accept my responsability, my actions never intended to be malicious, I am quite honestly appalled that he preferred playing a game rather directly ask me if I had looked through his text messages. Especially since I was not affected by his conversation with this female friend and so, there was no reason for me to be mad at him.

 

Anyway, we took some days off. Decided that we would talk about this during dinner tonight.

[Auguria]

Throughout our relationship, he has never shown any signs of unfaithfulness , not as much as checking out another woman.

 

Then why are you checking his phone? This really doesnt add up at all

 

What did you guys argue about on the Friday? that seems to be the big issue here! Ive had arguments with my gf and in order to destress just gone out drinking with friends and thinking it will all be resolved. Could be, as the argument was really bad, he had no idea you guys would still be together and deleted anything that could be seen as dodgy from his phone

 

If one person snoops, or doesnt trust you you can sense it. And I hate to say it rather than be more open with the person often times you just act even more suspicious by trying to cover anything absolutely anything that could be perceived as dishonest........just saying from personal experience of dating someone who didnt trust me, it didnt make me more open just made me more closed

 

You have a good point. As I stated before, I have strong boundaries. One of these boundaries is to not be intimate and in a relationship with a man who has slept with his female friends. I trust in friendships with the opposite sex, but I also believe in fully and entirely platonic friendships. I have some really close male friends, but I have never had physical relationships with them. They are my friends and shall remain such without the complications and drama that comes when you have sex.

 

When my boyfriend and I met, he was emotionally and physically unattached. He had never been truly in love and his college experiences were some friends- with-benefit type of deal. He liked them, appreciated their presence but never loved them. When he met me, he said " he knew". We met through a mutual friend of ours (let's call him Jason) and so I got to know a few people from his circle of friends. I met one of their mutual female friends who often times, my boyfriend would tell me, would call him and ask advice about her attraction to Jason. I never thought anything about it. I quite liked the girl, she was/is sweet although we got to spend only a couple of days in each others presence.

 

As our relationship progressed and we were absolutely in love, I asked one night about our past relationships. Not the "give me your number" talk but rather a bit more detailed than what we had talked about during our courtship. That's when he told me about having hooked up with this female friend (one drunken night) about four years ago, and another female friend I had met just briefly. By that time he had by himself stopped excessive communication and would meet with them only in groups.

 

I couldn't help but feel betrayed. The fact that I had been friendly with this female friend, thinking that they had just been friends all along, really hit me hard. I told him had I known he had sexual relationships with his female friends , I would have never been with him. I know that hurt him deeply. I resented him for a while as I felt I had been lied to. Despite my best efforts, I was never able to find that unfaltering trust I previously had in him. I have had logical conversations with myself, but I couldn't help but feel this way.

 

There you have it!

[Auguria]

Your thinking sounds rather immature if you ask me. I used to think the same when I was young but you know people aren't perfect, things happen and sometimes we don't make the best judgements at the time, doesn't mean we're not good people over all or this guy doesn't have other attributes that are great for you. You will never find a perfect guy or a perfect relationship, you just need to find someone you love - the good and at least tolerate the bad. The good should severely outweigh the bad tho. Personally there is worse than lying and hiding a text conversation - men especially will 'lie' when they know the truth will hurt the person they love.

Also ever thought that he needs help in resolving these kind of problems because he just is inexperienced and not sure how he should act/behave?

Be angry and have an argument but just dumping the guy is way too much and also it doesn't help you grow and learn what really makes a relationship work.

 

 

Vyliss, I thank you for your post. I tend to think that people here project a whole lot.

He has not cheated. As much I have always been sure, deep down. He's always been honest, or at least has tried. He has also made many sacrifices for our relationship and I have always felt that I have always been his priority. My issues steam from finding out ( he told me himself) that before we were in a loving relationship, he had had sex with one of his female friends who I thought had been his platonic friend all along. It happened five years ago, during their freshman year, and never led to anything. They barely communicate anyway.

I tend to be rather stubborn, have great pride and a really high self-esteem, and so I felt my trust had been betrayed, as if I was the only one unaware of the dynamics of their friendship. I have never been able to trust him like I used to since then.

 

Besides, he was the first man to whom I have given all of me, emotionally and physically speaking. So I felt that I had been short-changed. I felt like he wasn't able to tell me about his past because he knew I would have never accepted to continue dating him and that he didn't want to lose me. I put him so high in the sky, so glad to have finally met someone who shared my values in sex and relationships and who deserved to have all of me. I felt cheated when he told me that he had sex with girls with whom he never thought to be in a relationship with. I'm supposed to somehow feel happy that I am the only one girl who "stole his heart" , but truth to be told I am not. I worry now. I don't feel safe and secure like I used to. And I know I ned to somehow fix it.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Auguria

[Mascara]

.

he decided that the best way to go about it was to pretend this female friend was a guy, so I could confess... which I obviously did when we saw each other.

 

You've just fallen for one of the oldest gaslighting tricks in the book.

 

Good luck.

[NoMoreJerks]

My ex used to have the numbers of females on his phone input as male names. He was a dirty POS cheater and an abusive assh*le.

 

The question is, why do you believe the story of this clearly manipulative man?

[heartshaped]

I'm supposed to somehow feel happy that I am the only one girl who "stole his heart" , but truth to be told I am not. I worry now. I don't feel safe and secure like I used to. And I know I ned to somehow fix it.

 

I worry that this may be the beginning of the end.

 

I think snooping is awful not because of the violation of privacy (though that is wrong, imo) but because if you don't trust someone enough to not go through their things the relationship is already essentially over. Relationships need trust to survive and honestly, you don't trust this guy. It may be something you can recover but more often than not it cannot be.

 

I also would be worried about his actions. Game playing reeks of immaturity. And I'm curious how did he know you'd gone through his phone ? Unless you read an unread message it would be impossible for him to know. And even then he couldn't have been sure. I honestly call BS on that.

[Auguria]

My ex used to have the numbers of females on his phone input as male names. He was a dirty POS cheater and an abusive assh*le.

 

The question is, why do you believe the story of this clearly manipulative man?

 

Okay. Listen.

He is not your boyfriend. And I am not you.

And my relationship is not semblable to your relationship.

 

Please, stop projecting.

 

He has not cheated. There is no doubt about it. Not because I don't want to believe it, not because I have fallen under gaslighting but simply because he has been transparent giving me access to all things bearing his first and last name. There is simply no cheating.

 

My concern is about the manipulation and the breach of communication.

[Mascara]

Where has your fire gone from the start of the thread? You were bang on the money with your first instincts.

 

Classic signs and progression - Fury. Anger. Determination that you are strong and you are done. Sharing with people who tell you you're doing the right thing. Anger subsides and hurt sets in. Pain. Disbelief. Wishing you could go back to how it was. But how can you, unless he gives a way for it never to have happened? He gives a way out, with an excuse that is straight from Cheaters / Potential Cheaters 101. You grasp it with both hands because you want to. Justification. Taking some of the blame. Lashing out at people who challenge it.

 

Going from "momma didn't raise no fool" to "it's ok, it was my fault a bit, he explained it all" in a few days.

 

Clearly, you're going to stay with him. And again, I get that. All I would say is.... keep an open mind and your eyes open.

[Auguria]

Where has your fire gone from the start of the thread? You were bang on the money with your first instincts.

 

Classic signs and progression - Fury. Anger. Determination that you are strong and you are done. Sharing with people who tell you you're doing the right thing. Anger subsides and hurt sets in. Pain. Disbelief. Wishing you could go back to how it was. But how can you, unless he gives a way for it never to have happened? He gives a way out, with an excuse that is straight from Cheaters / Potential Cheaters 101. You grasp it with both hands because you want to. Justification. Taking some of the blame. Lashing out at people who challenge it.

 

Going from "momma didn't raise no fool" to "it's ok, it was my fault a bit, he explained it all" in a few days.

 

Clearly, you're going to stay with him. And again, I get that. All I would say is.... keep an open mind and your eyes open.

 

Hold on a second! Who said he will be forgiven?

It's actually easy. We didn't discuss his explanation, nor mine for that matter. It wasn't a calm and collected conversation, it was a shouting match.

And I care about fairness. Being immature is very different from being a cheater. I do not want to be unfair to him. Just like I wouldn't want people to misjudge my character. That is why I would like to have a calm and collected conversation, because I'd like to understand him and myself.

 

I have accepted everyone's opinion here. NoMoreJerks, although I respect her opinion and thank her for it, has the tendency to very often time jump to conclusions and project whatever happened with her boyfriend and her very unhealthy relationship unto others. Also, do not forget, but you are only listening to my side of the story. And again, my perception might not be the truth. Instead of shouting "Cheater, cheater" to a man who to this day has not shown any signs of infidelity, I am trying to put my perceptions into perspective and finally find the truth.

 

The truth to this extent seems to be that my boyfriend while he hasn't cheated, has demonstrated a lack of character, integrity and clearly shown manipulation. I do not think I will be able to forgive him.

[Auguria]

I worry that this may be the beginning of the end.

 

I think snooping is awful not because of the violation of privacy (though that is wrong, imo) but because if you don't trust someone enough to not go through their things the relationship is already essentially over. Relationships need trust to survive and honestly, you don't trust this guy. It may be something you can recover but more often than not it cannot be.

 

I also would be worried about his actions. Game playing reeks of immaturity. And I'm curious how did he know you'd gone through his phone ? Unless you read an unread message it would be impossible for him to know. And even then he couldn't have been sure. I honestly call BS on that.

 

It is a very weird feeling, you see. It comes periodically, and most of the time, I trust him completely. And to be perfectly honest, I have been thinking a lot these past two days, and it is funny but as far as I remember these feelings of uncertainty concerning my relationship usually come briefly after he would say something that would make our relationship stronger and way more committed than it already is. Such as living together, or being introduced to each other's families ( we both are from very different cultural and racial backgrounds and by family I mean only our parents - siblings, and all our friends know about us- ). Because I have literally nothing to blame him for, I seem to have finally found his past, which has no bearing to our present, as a weapon that I use each time I want to flee. It is not a lack of love from my part. I might be afraid of abandonment or afraid of commitment. Who knows!

 

But even in those moments where I feel " Ah! I can't trust him!", I know deep down that were I to put him in a room full of women, he wouldn't falter.

[Phantom888]

Please report back in about a month and let us know if he is behaving strangely. I hope it all works out, and this was a mere misunderstanding.