Auguria Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hi everybody! Well, the unthinkable just happened. The man I have been talking about here - the seemingly loving, trustworthy, honest and transparent boyfriend that I thought I had- was caught last night in an apparent lie. How great is life?! Disappointed, angry, frustrated? You bet! I truly despise liars. Anyway, the story has it that a few days ago I started having a horrible gut feeling. We had an argument last Friday night and we left not in such great terms that night. We met up on Saturday to talk and figure out a way to communicate better and I was feeling not so great. An unexplainable gut feeling. He was being his normal self: seemingly loving and willing to make me happy. Woke up the next morning and yes, I went against my values and principles and looked at his texts. The gut feeling had not disappeared. That Friday night, after we had parted ways he had texted a female friend of his that he had never mentioned to me, about meeting up again as she was leaving for China. I noticed that he would delete his text conversation with her. I thought ABSOLUTELY NOTHING OF IT. We just recently started living in the same city as we were in a LDR for about a year. So I thought we both praised our relationship to be based on grounds of transparency, honesty and sincerity. Anytime I would meet with a male friend ( I have firm boundaries even with my male friends: Yes to lunch, No dinner alone, no alone drinking in bars or going to clubs just the two of us, I do not reply to their texts during night time), I would let my boyfriend know for the sake of openness and because frankly there was nothing to hide. My boyfriend knows what kind of girlfriend he has, but, most importantly, I know what kind of woman I am. Equally, him hanging out with female friends, when appropriate, has never been an issue whatsoever. A couple of days later, he was on his phone and I noticed as he was scrolling down his text conversation that he had completely deleted his conversation with this female friend. Hmmm, I thought. And then, last night, I find out that he's having drinks with a guy friend that he used to play soccer with as this guy friend is going to China for a year... So, he's going to have drinks with him and then meet up with his buddies for " further festivities". My dear boyfriend is, indeed, lying through his teeth. How great is life?! He crashed at my place later that night, and was drunk enough as to have a terrible hang over this morning. Charming! When I tell him last night that he should probably stop saying " he" but be honest and say "she", he keeps insisting that it was a guy... And this is, ladies and gentlemen,the rather pathetic end story of my first love. How great is life?! 2
TigerCub Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Did you tell him straight up that you saw the text and confront him about it?
Author Auguria Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Did you tell him straight up that you saw the text and confront him about it? We talked on the phone the day before he was to go out and he kept instinctively switch from "he" to "she" a few times while telling me about his Friday plans. I told him that. He was drunk too (not the I-slurr-my-words-and can't-stop-zigzaging kind of drunk but fairly buzzed), so we didn't have a long conversation as he fell asleep almost immediately. He also couldn't seem to be able to face me and left my place early this morning. But if he thinks that I am down with this, boy, he doesn't really know me! So, when I'll see him today, I will have no problem telling him that I saw the text if he persists in blantantly lying to my face. I own all of my actions!
TigerCub Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 We talked on the phone the day before he was to go out and he kept instinctively switch from "he" to "she" a few times while telling me about his Friday plans. I told him that. He was drunk too (not the I-slurr-my-words-and can't-stop-zigzaging kind of drunk but fairly buzzed), so we didn't have a long conversation as he fell asleep almost immediately. He also couldn't seem to be able to face me and left my place early this morning. But if he thinks that I am down with this, boy, he doesn't really know me! So, when I'll see him today, I will have no problem telling him that I saw the text if he persists in blantantly lying to my face. I own all of my actions! Fantastic plan. By being straightforward, you will get the truth and he'll know that you know. It's that simple. 1
Author Auguria Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 (edited) So, Auguria, will you be taking him back after he goes and has sex with her? Do you have a backbone? You just let him leave your place without saying anything knowing that he is going to have sex with this female "friend" who is getting ready to leave for China?? Dear, don't jump the gun! I know for a fact that after he met with "the guy he plays soccer with and who's leaving for China", he met up with his male friends and showed up at my place at 11:00 pm. Do you know how much of backbone, I have? Well, enough as to end a year and a half long relationship with a man who so far has never given me any issues, simply because I caught him lying... once. ( As far as I know, granted!) Edited September 28, 2013 by Auguria 9
Author Auguria Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Ok, I jumped the gun a bit there, but my question to you now is, are you going to let him leave to go and have sex with his friend? Or are you going to confront him before he does that? -- His actions are suspicious. Although, I know ( instinctively) that he would not cheat. But there is a terrible grey area here and I, for one, I am not one of those who can live with "what ifs". I simply do not understand the need to hide the information that you're having a farewell drink with a female friend. He also, perhaps, thought that I would be somehow uncomfortable and tried to not give me any reason to be so. Whatever, his explanation ... Once, I get an explanation face to face, the relationship will be ended today at exactly 4:00 Pm. I know what I am and what I stand for. Liars of any sort are not accepted. Also, before stopping by last night, he sounded fine on the phone. I was going to have that conversation last night but once I saw him, I knew he would fall asleep and wasn't able to have a normal conversation. Also, I gave him a piece of my mind nonetheless!
FitChick Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 While I think it's okay for people to have friends of the opposite sex, it's important for their significant other to meet those friends. It would be less likely those friends would be bonking the girlfriend or boyfriend if they were all friends. Yes, it happens, but some people have a conscience and would rather avoid drama. If everything has been great with this man, you might think twice about dumping him for a one night stand if the other women is not even in the same country. But use that for leverage to read him the riot act to make it less likely it happens again, making sure he knows it will be over if he repeats his mistake. Make sure there is NC with this chick by checking his phone and emails, with his permission.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 No, you are not over-reacting. It doesn't mean this is the first time that he lied, only this is the first time he got caught. People that are dishonest can't be trusted. Simple as that. This is a dumpable offense. As for cheating, you don't know if he would or wouldn't or even if he didn't. If he was back at your place at 11pm, he probably didn't THAT night. For all you know he tried and she rejected him.
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, lying is bad, but you know what else is bad ? Snooping. Now you pretty much have to leave him because he doesn't respect your need for honesty and you don't respect his personal privacy so you should both probably part ways.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 While I think it's okay for people to have friends of the opposite sex, it's important for their significant other to meet those friends. It would be less likely those friends would be bonking the girlfriend or boyfriend if they were all friends. Yes, it happens, but some people have a conscience and would rather avoid drama. A guy I know, introduced a girl to his wife, and they used to invite her to their place almost every week. The wife ended up liking that girl. Turns out, the guy had a hidden agenda in introducing her to his wife... he was really into her, and then ended up cheating on his wife with her, and then leaving his wife/divorcing (and he has 2 little kids!) for the girl... Some people do it with a hidden agenda, too. Sometimes, it's easier to hide things that are too obvious. His wife would've been more suspicious if he had hung out with that girl away from her sight, and claimed he was hanging out with his buddies. There are a lot of very disgusting people out there, as I've discovered in the past year especially.
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Lol so you blame her for snooping? if there was nothing to hide then there wouldn't have been a problem No no no no that's not what I'm saying. Snooping IS bad, but you can't really Ignore what you find while snooping. Just trying to prevent her from becoming s controlling snooper in her next relationship is all. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Snooping is fine, if there is a very deep gut feeling that something's wrong. I never snooped for a year, and the gut feeling grew stronger. I had trusted my ex, but it turned out my gut feeling was right. And guess what? I did it for my own protection, because obviously he did not have my best interests in mind/heart. Otherwise he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. He put me at risk of STDs. I am glad I snooped and though he tried to turn that against me and deflect attention from the real issue, I will do it again and again if I ever feel that same gut feeling that something's wrong (with another guy). 1
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Snooping is fine, if there is a very deep gut feeling that something's wrong. I never snooped for a year, and the gut feeling grew stronger. I had trusted my ex, but it turned out my gut feeling was right. And guess what? I did it for my own protection, because obviously he did not have my best interests in mind/heart. Otherwise he wouldn't have cheated in the first place. He put me at risk of STDs. I am glad I snooped and though he tried to turn that against me and deflect attention from the real issue, I will do it again and again if I ever feel that same gut feeling that something's wrong (with another guy). Snooping is not fine and you will never get me to agree with that Premise. Snooping to is a blatant disregard for the other persons privacy. And you should never snoop. No matter what your gut instinct tells you. If you feel something is that wrong, how about COMMUNICATING that you feel something is wrong and that your trust is shaken. Two wrongs don't make a right. No one should ever snoop, its a respect issue. Instead, talk to your partner. Don't play watch dog like a helicopter parent.
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hahahaha "talk" to the cheater Yeah he'll totally tell the truth:rolleyes: You should be able to tell some things not right. Yes? And if you really feel some things not right, and you get a deflective answer or an answer you think is s lie, call them on it. Tell them your trust for them is waning . Don't just take their word for it when it feels like they are lying.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Snooping is not fine and you will never get me to agree with that Premise. Snooping to is a blatant disregard for the other persons privacy. And you should never snoop. No matter what your gut instinct tells you. If you feel something is that wrong, how about COMMUNICATING that you feel something is wrong and that your trust is shaken. Two wrongs don't make a right. No one should ever snoop, its a respect issue. Instead, talk to your partner. Don't play watch dog like a helicopter parent. Communicating? LOL. Because that's going to work. Because he wouldn't make you to be a crazy b*tch who is imagining things, etc. And because that wouldn't tip him off to be more careful next time. No thanks, I'll confront him with evidence in hand. And then dump his filthy, cheating *ss. 4
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Most cheaters are the best liars. They rehearse their lies and stories. Most would never be caught unless there is evidence. Im pretty sure that someone would not end a relationship based on speculation. I know i would need proof. Not outright end it, but slowly withdraw. Yes they are good liars, but you can just tell when some things not right. the liar wins when you suppress that feeling. Just make them prove their loyalty without demanding their phone. If they can't or won't , its not worth it.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 After I snooped and found the evidence, I asked my ex if he loved me. If he'd ever cheat on me. He said yes to the first, and no to the second... I asked him again: are you sure? He said yes, he was sure. Then I told him I had seen the stuff on his phone. The look on his face was something I will never forget. Yeah, try telling him you suspect that he's cheating, without saying you have evidence. He will deny it and make you look like you're a crazy, needy, clingy, suspicious b*tch. No thanks. I did what I had to do, and saved myself from further heartache and worse, serious illnesses. 8
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Keenly: this is a man who put me at risk of STDs, including the possibility of HIV. This is a FACT. He would've continued to do it, for as long as he got away with it, even if I had confronted him without evidence. He just would've been more careful about it. Do you think I should've just done nothing about that, trusted him and his denials? Or just broken up with him because I suspected something? What if I was wrong? I cared about him and didn't want to take my accusations lightly. I don't want to accuse someone without evidence: that's horrible too. More so than snooping. And anyway, he can go through my phone if he wants to, I never password-protect my phone. I've got nothing to hide. If you're in a relationship with someone (long term ) and you feel the need to password protect everything especially your phone (or always have it on you so that she can't ever check it), there is something odd about that. 2
KatZee Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, lying is bad, but you know what else is bad ? Snooping. Snooping for no reason is inexcusable. Snooping because she witnessed severe red flag behavior, and then a constantly changing story of "he" and "she" warranted the investigation. Only an idiot would bury their head in the sand after finding out their partner was blatantly lying to their face. 8
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 This is a man who always accused me of being needy and clingy, and of imagining things (he was gaslighting me). For once, I had to prove to him (and to myself) that I wasn't crazy as he kept implying/saying. I feel vindicated and I can now go through my life knowing that I wasn't all that he said I was: needy, clingy, crazy, etc. I can trust my gut feeling. Some people will ruin your self-esteem, make you think you're crazy, all while they do all the things you accuse them of doing, while denying it. And my ex made me feel I was crazy even without me accusing him of cheating or asking about his whereabouts lol. Imagine what he would've done if I had confronted him without evidence. NO THANKS.
KatZee Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Snooping is not fine and you will never get me to agree with that Premise. Snooping to is a blatant disregard for the other persons privacy. And you should never snoop. No matter what your gut instinct tells you. If you feel something is that wrong, how about COMMUNICATING that you feel something is wrong and that your trust is shaken. Two wrongs don't make a right. No one should ever snoop, its a respect issue. Instead, talk to your partner. Don't play watch dog like a helicopter parent. Have you ever been cheated on? Have you ever had to deal with a cheater? Based on your posts here I can say with 95% certainty you haven't. Cheaters don't respond to things such as "honesty" or "open communication." Cheaters are liars. Confronting them only drives them deeper underground, and it gives them the heads up that their partners are onto them----thus giving them ample opportunity to invent stories, perfect those stories, and hide any incriminating evidence. If someone suspects their partner of cheating, the best course of actions is to determine whether or not they are in fact cheating. That takes some investigation. The worst thing a person can do if they think their partner is cheating, is openly confront them. It's unfortunate and relationships shouldn't be so shady but cheating is all too common these days. Especially when cheating puts their partners physical and emotional health at risk. 6
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 If more people (not just women, but also men) trusted their gut feeling and looked for evidence and then confronted their partners about cheating, fewer people would get away with cheating / get rewarded for it by having one foot in your door and their d*ck in another's vagina (or their vagina around another's d*ck). More people would walk away from relationships with the full realization that their partner REALLY DID cheat on them, and not that they are crazy, imagining things, etc. If I suspect something and there are real red flags, I will investigate. I need to protect myself and my sanity. That's the bottom line. It does me no good to put my head in the sand (as Katzee noted), when there are serious reasons to suspect something is wrong. That said, some people are truly suspicious for no good reason, because they are insecure. If that's the case, then they need to take a deep long look in the mirror and work on their problems. A woman did this to me and a guy friend of mine whom she was dating. She "suspected" something was wrong and that we were having an affair (LOL! I would NEVER ever date that guy or have sex with him, I just don't look at him like that, and he doesn't turn me on and isn't my type at all, and I do NOT flirt at all, or see him much!). Based on what? On the fact that I was "posting too much on his facebook." WHAT? That's no reason to snoop on someone's phone, and that's outright insecurity and not "gut feeling." There is a difference between insecurity-fueled suspicion, and a deep, nagging gut feeling that something is terribly wrong. 2
Author Auguria Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 On my way to meet up with him. I certainly am curious to listen to the explanation. Also, this is/was a man who has integrity. Throughout our relationship, he has never shown any signs of unfaithfulness , not as much as checking out another woman. He has proved through many instances his love, devotion etc... And I am not some naive, trustful chick. It's actually the very opposite. I am extremely skeptic and I internally I question all things. I'm not afraid of truth or reality either. I try to see things for what they are. I also happen to have a great memory. He moved to our current city merely a month before I joigned him. This girl used to be my bf' best-friend girlfriend in college. After graduating, they lived in separate cities until we both moved in to her city. So they have been in contact for less than two months, one of which was without me. Also, as I was trying to find a place in the city, I lived with my bf for three weeks. I remember him talking to a female on the phone twice, openly in front of me, mentionning while stroking my hair that "it was good talking to her but that he needed to go since he was taking his girlfriend for a walk by the lake"... That's why I am so perplexed by him not wanting to let me know he was seeing a female friend instead of a male... 2
KatZee Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 On my way to meet up with him. I certainly am curious to listen to the explanation. Also, this is/was a man who has integrity. Throughout our relationship, he has never shown any signs of unfaithfulness , not as much as checking out another woman. He has proved through many instances his love, devotion etc... And I am not some naive, trustful chick. It's actually the very opposite. I am extremely skeptic and I internally I question all things. I'm not afraid of truth or reality either. I try to see things for what they are. I also happen to have a great memory. He moved to our current city merely a month before I joigned him. This girl used to be my bf' best-friend girlfriend in college. After graduating, they lived in separate cities until we both moved in to her city. So they have been in contact for less than two months, one of which was without me. Also, as I was trying to find a place in the city, I lived with my bf for three weeks. I remember him talking to a female on the phone twice, openly in front of me, mentionning while stroking my hair that "it was good talking to her but that he needed to go since he was taking his girlfriend for a walk by the lake"... That's why I am so perplexed by him not wanting to let me know he was seeing a female friend instead of a male... Listen, this also could be a case of the guy being a complete idiot. Some guys lie... not because they want to pull one over on you, not because they're trying to cheat on you, but sometimes they lie because they don't want to deal with any inquisition. This friend is most likely female, but it could be that he wanted to hang with her without having you question him, think he's cheating, or demand he not see her. Tons of guys don't think before they lie. They just think... "can't tell her its a girl because I don't want to hear her mouth." 5
NoMoreJerks Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Yeah, I was going to say what KatZee said, she took the words right out of my mouth. The guy I was seeing recently (until today) actually didn't even want to say that he was invited to a programming event by a girl, because ( I think) he thought it would make me think he had something going on with that girl.
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