Matt397 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I guess a little back story is needed before I get into the specifics. I actually met my fiancé in high school, we dated n split towards the end. She went to college and I bounced around, had a kid with someone else, I wouldn't say a one night stand but we weren't dating, it was a mistake. So fast forward a year my high school sweet heart came back into my life and everything was perfect, I asked her to marry me, we had a kid together. We were happy. Then something happened to me years later . I became quickly unable to handle stress and anxiety. Everything became overwhelming, I would take it out on my fiancé emotionally. Because of the incredible amount of stress I was going through at work if I wasnt depressed and in my own little world I was fighting with my fiancé. We've been together fir 7 years. Last Monday she came to me and after a misunderstanding, she decided that she had enough. She says she didn't know how to go on. She is tired of coming home and not knowing what to expect from me. We talked all week. I'm not a very emotional person. I've cried twice in 7 years in front of her. This week I haven't been able to stop crying. I've tried telling her that she really is my entire world and after days of talking she says she feels that I really do finally get it, but it feels like it is too late. She says she wants to work on us and as a person with anxiety problems to begin with I am walking around in constant paralyzing fear that I'm going to lose her and my kids. I just don't know what to do. I've been holding onto a lot of pain from my childhood and I before I was with fiancé I would bury that pain with alcohol n drugs, I got clean and haven't relapsed since I've been with her and I feel as if all the pain I buried away mixed with anxiety issues and depression is all coming back. I told her this. I feel stupid fir trekking her this. I didn't give her details because I feel very fragile and I dont feel as if she is there emotionally enough for me to feel comfortable telling her. I did tell her a little bit though. Some stuff about trying to be the opposite of my dad because of how ****ty a role model he was and I said at least I don't smack my kids around like he did and all she said dad "I don't know what to say to that" after that I'm not comfortable around her. I wish I had a time machine I could go back in time to when we were happy and just stay there. So, end result is, she says she wants to work on us, I desperately want to, any advice?
MrE_UK Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 (edited) Hi, Been there, got the t-shirt, wrote the book, suffered the consequences... My advice to you is this - work on you first: 1. Learn to relax before making decisions or acting on them - lay on bed, on back, arms by side, and concentrate on where your body touches the bed, listen to your own breathing, hear the wind or birds outside and stay there doing that for 20 mins. When relaxed the world will seem like a less fearful, anxious place and you'll be able to make better decisions. Do this twice daily. 2. Go seek some relationship counselling individually to talk through how the past affects the present. You will find it an eye opener and you'll be able to change your ways. 3. Read relationship books and develop some new skills and ways of thinking 4. Work on you - new hobby, new haircut, socialise with friends, seek support from family, take a course that interests you, improve your education, exercise, eat healthily... 5. After 6 months, change takes time, patience and practice, you will be better equipped to work on your relationship in couples counselling, whilst continuing your personal growth. DON'T make your partner your counsellor, therapist, confidant, etc.,. She needs a break and it is a lot for her to take on-board. She wants positive, fun, caring, loving, and strong - that's not you right now. So, work hard and be genuine - don't just say, do and show through positive actions. DON'T beg, plead, be desperate, be needy - just find that place where you can be relaxed, positive, content, caring, loving, funny, genuine, and a best friend. Look in further reading post for 180. Edited September 28, 2013 by MrE_UK 3
Author Matt397 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks for the reply, there's some good advice in there. I guess one of the things that hurts the most is 2 nights ago we had been talking, I couldn't keep it together and she looked at me, took my glasses off n pulled me and hugged me and it just felt so real, she told me she wasn't leaving and she wanted to work on things. . Last night it was like that never happened. My heart can't handle this back n forth bull****. I never considered seperation to even be an option, I always thought it was going to be me and her together forever no matter what. I'm just lost. I want it to work but my heart can't take this anymore. Sorry for rambling.
vla1120 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 MrE UK gives the best advice! Get individual counseling and work on sorting through your own issues. If you are depressed, perhaps some anti-depressants would be beneficial while you working through these issues. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Thanks for the reply, there's some good advice in there. I guess one of the things that hurts the most is 2 nights ago we had been talking, I couldn't keep it together and she looked at me, took my glasses off n pulled me and hugged me and it just felt so real, she told me she wasn't leaving and she wanted to work on things. . Last night it was like that never happened. My heart can't handle this back n forth bull****. I never considered seperation to even be an option, I always thought it was going to be me and her together forever no matter what. I'm just lost. I want it to work but my heart can't take this anymore. Sorry for rambling. I wonder if you've thought about this - how have the last 7 years been for her? You anxiety, drug use, drinking, stress, issues with work and family history - what effect has that had on her? Your post is much about you, your feelings and what you can/can't handle but that's only half the equation. You'll have to have more awareness of the rest of it if your marriage is to survive... Mr. Lucky
Author Matt397 Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 I wonder if you've thought about this - how have the last 7 years been for her? You anxiety, drug use, drinking, stress, issues with work and family history - what effect has that had on her? Your post is much about you, your feelings and what you can/can't handle but that's only half the equation. You'll have to have more awareness of the rest of it if your marriage is to survive... Mr. Lucky Did you read the entire post or just glance through it? I said Before I got back together with my high school sweet heart I had a drug and alcohol problem. I've been clean for almost 8 years. Thanks.
S_Taylor Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Hi Matt, nice one on being clean - seriously good effort - I know how hard it is. This is gonna sound a bit out there but have you tried any of the online resources for helping to turn these things around - I used this one: Save My Marriage - don't become another divorce statistic!! ...and it did the trick. It was pretty easy to get in to - we saw results quite quickly. Good luck with whatever you end up going with though - it will be tough whatever
Author Matt397 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 So we've spent an absolutely agonizing week, talking almost every night. She still says she wants to work us, she wants it to work but she is scared of getting hurt. We talked last night fir about a half hour. She asked me what I needed, surprised all I could say is I just want to be able to hold you again and feel you on the other side. Then she looked at me, dead on the inside and said maybe we should be intimate tonight. It felt so incredibly empty and devoid of all emotion. I knew this was an extremely delicate moment, it could change everything. I tried to put on a good face and told her I only want to if she's into it. She saw right through me and she knew I saw right through her. Regardless, we were intimate. I know it was supposed to be redeeming, like a reconnection. She felt empty. She felt like she was, just... Empty. For me, it was like saying good bye. Every part of this, every day, is the hardest day of my life. My daughter lives to play the princess game on her phone, she got her phone and started opening apps n email n everything. So I grabbed it to open her hand and she was at the texts. She sent a text to her girlfriend saying plan completed. And went on to say that it was in between. Talking about the intimacy. I can't keep getting my hopes up n getting just literally destroyed the next day. Does any of this sound hopeful to you guys? Does it sound like a couple working on things?
Author Matt397 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 (edited) So we've spent an absolutely agonizing week, talking almost every night. She still says she wants to work us, she wants it to work but she is scared of getting hurt. We talked last night fir about a half hour. She asked me what I needed, surprised all I could say is I just want to be able to hold you again and feel you on the other side. Then she looked at me, dead on the inside and said maybe we should be intimate tonight. It felt so incredibly empty and devoid of all emotion. I knew this was an extremely delicate moment, it could change everything. I tried to put on a good face and told her I only want to if she's into it. She saw right through me and she knew I saw right through her. Regardless, we were intimate. I know it was supposed to be redeeming, like a reconnection. She felt empty. She felt like she was, just... Empty. For me, it was like saying good bye. Every part of this, every day, is the hardest day of my life. My daughter lives to play the princess game on her phone, she got her phone and started opening apps n email n everything. So I grabbed it to open her game and she was at the texts. She sent a text to her girlfriend saying plan completed. And went on to say that it was in between. Talking about the intimacy. I can't keep getting my hopes up n getting just literally destroyed the next day. Does any of this sound hopeful to you guys? Does it sound like a couple working on things? I'm trying so hard to put on a fake face and be happy for her cause that's what she says she needs. Edited October 1, 2013 by Matt397
Follower Posted October 1, 2013 Posted October 1, 2013 It sounds to me like you have exited this relationship and are preparing a new pattern to repeat. Intimacy isn't something you should "Plan" or discuss to have, its either there or is isn't. You should want to jump your partner whenever you can if you don't feel this way for a length of time its dying(or normally dead by the time we slow humans realize it). Reading your post is seriously concerning in the wording, you sound so very disinterested and fed up of everything. Go find a new spark!
Author Matt397 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 But I don't want a new spark, I want my wife back, I want the mother of my kids back. It's hard to describe, is like I really do just want to jump her and make love to her, I wanted to fix us with intimacy but it's like she doesn't feel anything in her return n im trying so hard. Sorry I'm rambling. Is it stupid that I feel devastated that she says it was in between or should I be happy that she at least felt something?
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