How did you all deal with the new man/woman?

[RonaldS]

Ok, we finalized a few weeks ago after a 3 year separation. It was a not good-bad marriage, and I guess it's good that it ended. We have 3 young kids, who my wife moved to another state when we separated.

 

Now, she has been seeing another man for almost a year. I think it was very sparse at first, maybe a couple times a month for the first 3 months, building slowly after that. He had just divorced when they started dating, and he also has 3 young kids. My ex has recently introduced my kids to him, and it seems they spend quite a bit of time together.

 

Just to get it out if the way, I don't care that she's seeing this guy. Better him than me.

 

But a few things bother me. First, my ex lied about when the kids met him. She claims it was last Friday. However, my kids have been telling me about all the stuff they've done with him going back to the middle of August. What's the deal with her lying about it? And when I called her out on lying, she kept lying about it. Why is this necessary? She has actually been lying about their relationship from the beginning, and even as recently as a few months ago, during a conversation, she brought up that she realizes she's not capable of even being in a relationship and isn't equipped with what is needed to be in one. I then said, 'But you're in a relationship....', and she snapped back, 'No I'm not!'. So what is the deal with all of the lying and secrecy about this guy? I couldn't care less.

 

So, the lying about my kids spending time with him and also me now having a tough time getting ahold of the kids when they're together. I call my kids every night before bed, and now it's common to have at least 2 nights week where I can't get ahold of them.

 

The other thing that bothers me is, when I pick them up and we're spending g time together, all they talk about is this guy, and how much fun they have and how funny he is and how great he is and they just talk abut all the stuff they do together. It just makes me sink into myself.

 

I know, I have to accept it, be the best, most involved dad I can be, not let it affect me when I'm with the kids, blah blah blah. Yes, I intellectually understand that. But my ex moved my kids 200+ miles away. It is a struggle for me to spend as much time with them as I want. I see them as often as I can, and typically at least every 2 weeks, but this guy sees them all the time. He has the time to build a relationship with my kids, time that I realistically can't put into it. I picked up my kids tonight and brought them back to my place and they spent the first hour just talking about this guy.

 

It sucks. And I have no interest in being in a relationship and would never bring another woman around my kids. So I guess at least my ex doesn't have to deal with that.

 

How did those of you with kids handle them being around the new person?

[Monodare1]

Hi mate, I'm not at that stage yet, but I'm scared out my wits about it, not because she will be moving on, don't particularly care, more so about any potential partners effect on my son. He is only just coming up for 3 and I'm worried about being replaced. He is my only son and am naturally protective towards him. It would be interesting to hear from someone that's been down that road for a while who has little ones to see how they did cope.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Ronald,

 

What you are going through is perfectly normal, given your situation. I know that it is tough, but you have to think that you are only getting half of the conversation. The kids are just telling you about their lives, he just happens to be in their life. When they are with him, he gets to hear about all things that they did when they visited their daddy.

 

I know that it is hard, because you want to be with them more, but you have to be more concerned with them than yourself. The main concern has to be, is he treating them well? If yes is the answer to that question, then consider yourself a fortunate man. My advice is to ask the children about their lives and listen very carefully. If the physical distance between you and your children are preventing you from seeing them as often as you like, then move closer.

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

I have two kids with two ex's...double whammy!

 

My first ex, unmarried, met someone else and moved my daughter, now 7, 150 miles away. He turned out to be a "rat" (looks like one too!) and I had to get social services, her school and local agencies involved in what was going on - my daughter claimed her mum hit her across the face and he said, "look what you're doing to your poor mother." That was enough for me and I made some phone calls. Suffice to say, I get twice weekly phone calls when my daughter says, "I don't want to talk. Am watching T.V." I only see this daughter in school holidays.

 

My recent ex, wife, moved 170 miles away into her mother's house (bloody in-laws!); but, this is a completely different situation. I get video calls daily with my almost 3 year old daughter. IF my ex is seeing other people they're being kept away from daughter and me. My ex and I talk still often daily, we had a good conversation last night about daughter, her pre-school, work, a broken mobile phone, and her passed father, and my estranged family. She was also saying if I ever needed her help, she'll be there for me!! (odd as hell). We talk better now than we did when living together!

 

To be honest, if your kids are talking about this new guy favourably, I'd count my lucky stars. My eldest NEVER talks about her step-dad in favourable terms, the bastard that he is.

[iris219]

Is there a part of you that's grateful that your ex's bf is a nice guy who's interested in your kids? If so, focus on that. It could be a lot worse. I think it's great that your kids like this guy and that he's good to them.

 

Also, are you sure you're over your ex?

 

I ask because my bf is happy that his ex's bf is a nice guy. He was worried that his ex would end with a jerk because she's not the most stable person. Fortunately, this guy offers to pick up the kids when his ex has them, plans outings for them, and is currently teaching the oldest to play guitar. The kids like him a lot, and I think the fact that they like me and this guy so much has made the divorce much easier on them.

 

My bf keeps saying that he hopes his ex marries this guy. He thinks it would be good for his kids.

 

There doesn't have to be jealousy or discomfort. Remind yourself that having another caring, loving adult in their lives is a good thing for your kids.

[RonaldS]

I have some unresolved issues with my XW, but I am emotionally over her. I don't care what she does or who she sees. My concern is with my kids, and her relationship is a function if that. When I was growing up, my mother got remarried a couple of times, as well as a couple of serious live-in boyfriends (my parents divorced when I was 2). So, I understand the dynamic of new men in kids lives. To that end, I do have some questions about the nature and motivation behind her relationship, because it looks like a hard double-rebound between two people where at least one if them has not even begun to work through the issues of the marriage falling apart.

 

To that end, my concern is about the stability of a relationship formed the way hers was and the effect it will have on my kids if he ends up not being around long-term/permanently. All the hiding and lying about the relationship adds to those concerns.

 

Of course I'm happy that he's a good guy. And knowing how my XW is, I have known since we separated that she would probably end up marrying the first guy she got involved with, so none of this is a surprise to me. It's just hard to know that for every 2 days I get to be with my kids, some other guy gets 12. That's rough.

 

Another person advised I move to where they are. That would give me 50% physical custody, but the area they live in is economically and socially depressed, and moving there would essentially set me up for lifelong destitution. That doesn't help my kids or me.

 

Somebody who knows the situation fairly closely postulated that a lot of what's going on is my XW playing games and trying to hurt me. The whole thing about lying, having her parents lie, not allowing me to get ahold of my kids when they're together....could be her way of getting back at me for cutting her out of my life (she wanted us to work on out relationship/friendship post-divorce, get counseling, be buddies, etc...I had no interest. All communication between us is via text and email). She is a game player for sure, and I don't think she is anywhere near being over me, so I can see her maneuvers being intentional to get a rise out of me.

 

From what I know about him, he's a really good guy. My hope is that this relationship between him and my XW works out so that my kids don't have people coming into their lives and then disappearing. I don't have any issue with him spending time with the kids...it's just hard because it's new and I don't get to spend the time with them that I would like to. But I wish happiness for my XW. If the relationship matures into something authentic and permanent and healthy (I wouldn't bet a dime on that happening, though), then I am all for it.

[GuyInLimbo]

How and why was your ex allowed to move that far away with the kids? Do you not have joint custody? Did a judge actually ALLOW this?? There's not a chance in hell I, as a father, would ever accept something like that. Ever. I think it's absolutely cruel to do, unless a father was abusive.

[pteromom]

Send them cards. Cute cards that they will look forward to getting.

 

Send them little gifts for no reason.

 

Ask about any activities they go to, and try to attend when you can.

 

Your ex may be able to control you getting through to them on the phone, so for now, take every opportunity to see them and connect with them.

 

It will be hard in the short-term, but will pay off in the long-term.

[M30USA]

So you'd get 50% physical custody by moving closer? Hell, if I could get that I'd move closer TODAY. All I would get by moving closer is "expanded possession" which is still basically 1/3 custody time. Seems everyone gets that. Don't know how the hell some men get 50% but I'd sure like that. Did the JUDGE rule that or was it agreed upon with your ex?

[M30USA]

How and why was your ex allowed to move that far away with the kids? Do you not have joint custody? Did a judge actually ALLOW this?? There's not a chance in hell I, as a father, would ever accept something like that. Ever. I think it's absolutely cruel to do, unless a father was abusive.

 

Judges allow all sorts of things. My ex was allowed to move 2 hours away with my kids to be closer to her parents/family. It didnt matter that we had established domicile HERE for 2 years. Additionally, it's pretty normal for judges NOT to give dads exact 50/50 time split. Their definition of "joint custody" in most states is 66/33, or the typical "every other weekend" plus "Thursday evenings" in the case of EXPANDED joint custody. In almost all cases of dads getting exact 50/50, it's usually because the mom agreed.

[Porridge]

This guy and your kids have only met recently haven't they. It's all a novelty - the guy will be eager to impress your ex by bonding with your kids, your kids will think he's cool, it's a bit like a honeymoon period where things are new and exciting.

 

But that in no way reduces your worth. You're the kids rock, the man they know they can always depend on. Your value goes way beyond a bit of running around together in the garden and a few days out. Whilst things are exciting, the recent changes also makes them slightly unsure and vulnerable. That's where your presence is vital.

 

As people have said, be happy that your kids like the guy. I'm in a similar situation although the kids aren't so far away. My ex's new partner seems to be a decent man and that's a relief to me. Heaven forbid if she hooked up with someone aggressive.

 

One other thing - honeymoon periods always fade and the true characters emerge. It'll be in a few months that you'll get a genuine idea of how this guy relates to your kids. Don't read too much into everything at this stage. Just be there for your kids.

[M30USA]

Just remember the Star Wars analogy:

 

Every son has an instinctive drive to discover and bond with his OWN dad. This, in my opinion, is the central theme to Star Wars and many other classics. The bond is so strong that Luke even sought his father (Darth Vader) who he knew was a bad man. The definite disadvantage you have compared to the new man is total time spent with your son. But my mother has told me "it's the quality not the quantity". Secondly, as good as any step-dad is, lets face it...people are generally selfish and they love their own more. In this case, this is to your advantage.

[HighheelsAries]

You are absolutely powerless as to who your x brings around your kids. Unless there is some form of abuse or drugs or your x is a seriously bad person, they can do whatever they want and introduce your child to whatever procession of people they hook up with. There is nothing you can do.It hurts because you want to protect your child and your x is only interested in themselves and moving on to someone new.

I am in this situation. My xH has married a trophy cow and thinks he can rewrite history as if me and my child dont exist.

He meets his obligations in terms of child support and visitation but his attention is focussed on his new family.

It doesn't matter that I think his new wife is a bad influence on my son- I can't do anything about it.

[M30USA]

You are absolutely powerless as to who your x brings around your kids. Unless there is some form of abuse or drugs or your x is a seriously bad person, they can do whatever they want and introduce your child to whatever procession of people they hook up with. There is nothing you can do.It hurts because you want to protect your child and your x is only interested in themselves and moving on to someone new.

I am in this situation. My xH has married a trophy cow and thinks he can rewrite history as if me and my child dont exist.

He meets his obligations in terms of child support and visitation but his attention is focussed on his new family.

It doesn't matter that I think his new wife is a bad influence on my son- I can't do anything about it.

 

Who has primary custody?

[HighheelsAries]

Joint custody, but I am primary custodial parent. My child is primarily with me.

Visits Dad every second weekend, half of all holidays and stays over at his house every Friday.

[M30USA]

Joint custody, but I am primary custodial parent. My child is primarily with me.

Visits Dad every second weekend, half of all holidays and stays over at his house every Friday.

 

You got a lot less to worry about than he does. Imagine if you had non-primary. Count your blessings. Women have it easier in this regard.

[Daisy7]

(she wanted us to work on out relationship/friendship post-divorce, get counseling, be buddies, etc...I had no interest. All communication between us is via text and email). She is a game player for sure, and I don't think she is anywhere near being over me, so I can see her maneuvers being intentional to get a rise out of me.

 

From what I know about him, he's a really good guy. My hope is that this relationship between him and my XW works out so that my kids don't have people coming into their lives and then disappearing. I don't have any issue with him spending time with the kids...it's just hard because it's new and I don't get to spend the time with them that I would like to. But I wish happiness for my XW. If the relationship matures into something authentic and permanent and healthy (I wouldn't bet a dime on that happening, though), then I am all for it.

 

Here is the thing you guys are divorced, yet it seems you want a say in how she dates and who she dates because of your "kids" well-being but in reality it just bothers you, but you have no control or say in who she gets involved with since you guys are divorced, whether she lies to you or not should not be an issue in what she does with her life she is not bringing any destructive behavior or anything to your kids environment. If this guy seems to treat them well like others say that is all that matters, the marriage is over if you want to be completely invested aside from anything else you would sacrifice do your best and move near them to get that time your missing with them. Seems to me your just a little bit on the jealous side, otherwise she does not seem to be doing any harm. You are over thinking things. Like another said you are the dad and no matter what you will be there when they need you and you will always be invested in their lives, keep been part of it and you should have nothing to worry about. As for your xwife let her be you guys are divorced her relationships are not your concern unless drugs abuse etc is involved with your kids thats another story until then just be a dad and do your best to be part of their life as much as you can.

Edited October 2, 2013 by Daisy7

[2sure]

I can't stand my ex and he can stand me, I believe , less.

We separated when our daughter was an infant. He was an irresponsible and neglectful and hazardous parent in my opinion.

 

When he met and partnered with his now wife, it was such a relief to me.

Mind you, I don't like her much either. But I do think she is responsible and she cares for my daughter much better than he knew how to. She has been the saving grace during every visitation for the past 15 years.

 

She doesn't like me. And I don't care, I'm still grateful to her.

[todreaminblue]

the biggest worry i think a separated parent feels is when other people come into the lives of the children, i have three girls and my ex left me for an affair partner who knew about me i believe....so that was hard to deal with when it was time for the girls to spend holidays with a woman who didnt care enough about them on break up of our family unit wont go into details but she was very selfish and so was he.......

 

in saying that it has taken me years and i am on limited speaking terms lol with her now i wish her happy xmas and wish her well occasionally ......and i actually feel a lot better about the girls going down there......she doesnt get sulky when they mention me anymore

 

my girls are not fond of her......but they treat her with respect and courtesy they are resentful......but they treat her as they treat all adults with thoughtfulness and respect.....because of the way my ex left it is hard for them to warm to her ...they will not forget, i feel they have forgiven but not forgotten...

 

 

if i were to bring someone into the family.....my ex would know, i let my ex know before hand if i like someone and if i feel it could be serious otherwise i dont say anything......my ex would trust my judgement doesnt have much of a choice really......i have not introduced anyone to my girls bar one guy who i like and trust......and that was just more or less as a friend but they know i like him......my girls would accept someone i was with because if i am with soemone it involves no betrayal they wouldnt have any baggage to take with them on getting to know someone new in my life......

 

lying is a form of betrayal and i would not want my girls to have to deal with me being untruthful, so my ex would know straight up from me what was going on,how could my girls respect me or trust what i tell them, if i were to make my girls withhold things for my own benefit or ask them to lie.......for this reason i know my girls will treat anyone i am with with courtesy....because i show it to everyone else so do they....i am proud the way my girls are with people including my exes partner...they are very graceful....and people love them for who they are.............it doesnt do kids any favors to have to watch what they say to exes...and when they have a problem with affairs or betrayal or abandonment and can still treat that person with respect ..its a valuable trait to have in life........deb

Edited October 2, 2013 by todreaminblue

[M30USA]

I'm pretty sure that if my ex ever remarries, she will pick a servile and spineless man who obeys her every word. This is what she expected of me and I'm sure she will find a man like this since there is not a shortage of them in the world. I even saw some of her exes and other men she seemed attracted to. All of them were a bit nerdy and weak. (What does that say about what she saw in me?)

 

The upshot of this is that her new man probably won't have much influence in my children's lives since she must always be the boss.

Edited October 2, 2013 by M30USA

[TheBladeRunner]

I dreaded this in the beginning but as time passed I healed and I accepted that we were divorced and inevitably she would meet someone else. All I could hope for was that she met a guy that would be good to my daughter and treat her right.

 

I got lucky because my ex met a pretty nice guy and my kid likes him. I actually met him myself and he seems OK so far. All I can hope for is that my ex makes good choices and that my daughter is safe and happy.

 

Don't get me wrong, if she does hook up with a meathead I will get that handled ASAP, but for now, I hope things with her new guy work out because it has been OK.

[RonaldS]

Here is the thing you guys are divorced, yet it seems you want a say in how she dates and who she dates because of your "kids" well-being but in reality it just bothers you, but you have no control or say in who she gets involved with since you guys are divorced, whether she lies to you or not should not be an issue in what she does with her life she is not bringing any destructive behavior or anything to your kids environment.

 

I guess I'm not sure where you're getting this from. I don't give a flying eff who she dates. She's been dating this guy for a year, and I've known about him the whole time. I don't care. I don't want her into life and I have cut her out of it completely beyond raising our kids. It really doesn't matter to me.

 

She has NO, and I mean ZERO, right to lie to me, legally, morally or otherwise, about who my kids are spending time with. It's nowhere near being a jealously issue...it's a trust issue. And if I'm going to trust her to be the primary custodian in raising our kids, I need to trust her. Further, again, it's fine if they hang out at his house. But if I call to talk to the kids, don't ignore my calls. Don't have your parents lying to me about where they're at. Unfair to me, unfair to my kids.

 

Further, I just don't get the secrecy surrounding their relationship. We met halfway last weekend to swap the kids (225 mile round trip for both of us). Well, the kids told me after I got them that her boyfriend drove down with them in another car, but I never saw him. What the hell? Why drive a separate car and then hide out. Just seems silly.

 

As far as jealousy, there is a ton from my wife. She told me last year that the biggest reason she hadn't filed for divorce was because she couldn't stand the thought of me with another woman. And she still tries sorta desperately to keep me around. If she ever saw me with another woman, she would lose it. And if she ever heard of me bringing the kids around another woman, she would go totally batsh*t.

[RonaldS]

So you'd get 50% physical custody by moving closer? Hell, if I could get that I'd move closer TODAY. All I would get by moving closer is "expanded possession" which is still basically 1/3 custody time. Seems everyone gets that. Don't know how the hell some men get 50% but I'd sure like that. Did the JUDGE rule that or was it agreed upon with your ex?

 

All things are not equal. If I moved to her area, I would literally make 1/4th the money I make where I'm at. And even with 50/50, because she doesn't work, I would have to pay child support. All to see my kids a little bit more.

 

That would be a suicide move. I live in an amazing city, have great career opportunities here and great income. My life here has infinitely more quality than it would there. Their area SUCKS. I know...I'm from that same area and worked hard to get the hell out. I love where I'm at and I have a really good life here.

 

That might sound like it's all about me, but think about it. All of this stuff benefits my kids. I have three very bright children who I need to put through college. I want them to be able to go to the best schools they can. That costs money. I don't want to have my daughter get accepted at a school like Yale but have to go to Spring Arbor College because we can't afford anything else.

 

On top of that, my kids are from here and LOVE it here. It's a 180 degree difference from where they live now. Culturally especially. They live in a hick town filled with white evangelical conservatives who don't like blacks, Hispanics, Muslims, gays, Jews...whoever. Not exactly the environment I would choose to raise my kids in. So, by spending a lot of time here, they will have totally different exposures and hopefully grow up with a very balanced perspective on life and the world.

 

Lastly, again back to money....my earning potential here is several levels of magnitude higher than it would ever be back there. I want my kids to see the world, and hopefully see it when they're young. If I moved back to their area, seriously....after child support, I would be living on about $20-25k a year, at least for awhile. That's not going to help anybody. OK, so I can see a few more soccer games. But at what overall cost. Way too high, IMO.

 

Better to have them for the summers and weekends here and there, holidays, etc and be able to give them the best overall life they can have.

[candie13]

Suck up to your reality and praise the Lord for having sent your ex wife a decent guy who bonds with your kids. What if he were a loser who's show up in his boxers, smoking weed, in front of 'em? What can you do against that?

 

If this bugs you so much, why don't you change the approach? She obviously hides her relationship, but you know about it, the kids know about it, but everyone pretends that the big pink elephant in the room doesn't exist. That is: playing by her rules: the "pretend you don't know that you know and the kids know about my one year bf" .

 

Since he is an active part of your kids' life, why don't you meet him? I actually mean having lunch with your ex wife and him. Out in the open. This way, she cannot pretend you don't know, she won't have to lie and her parents won't have to lie.

 

Might take some of the pressure out. Again, you'll be the one who'll have to do all or most of the hard work, but in the end, it'll pay out. It'll at least give you peace of mind.

 

Cheers, Ronald

[RonaldS]

How and why was your ex allowed to move that far away with the kids? Do you not have joint custody? Did a judge actually ALLOW this?? There's not a chance in hell I, as a father, would ever accept something like that. Ever. I think it's absolutely cruel to do, unless a father was abusive.

 

She wasn't allowed to. She never petitioned the court for Order of Removal.

 

We separated in Sept 2010, and she took the kids and moved in with her parents in another state. The move was always framed to be temporary. Because we were communicating well a couple of months after they moved (the first 2 months were bad) and because most of her stuff was still in our house, I wast really thinking she would actually stay there. And because it was a delicate situation, I didn't want to get a lawyer involved.

 

Totally dropped the ball on that one.

 

After 6 months, the state they're in assumed jurisdiction of the kids and there was nothing I could do to get her in front of a judge. You could say it's my fault, and part of it is. I should have had her in front of a judge in my state right away. Hindsight = 20/20. But at the same time, she didn't have one fraction of one percent of legal right to move those kids away. But, that's sort of the person I've been dealing with for 14 years.