What the Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 This man has been terminal for 3 years now. I've been here for him every step. Now he tells me he doesn't want me to watch him die like his Mom had to watch his Father die. Anyone know if it's normal for him to feel that way? It makes sense that it's some sort of "I'm on my way out - I'm dying - I'm going to take it out on the one closest to me". I feel like such an idiot and a doormat. I just recently had a heart attack and had a stent put in and found out some other medical stuff going on the DAY BEFORE he told me (he told me yesterday after a conversation that was going fine and normal). I'm numb Help!
heartshaped Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 You aren't an idiot or a doormat. I believe your spouse loves you very deeply and this is just his reaction to his condition. Don't let him push you away. As hard as this must be on both of you, you need each other to rely on. *hugs* 1
anne1707 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I think it is the complete opposite of him wanting to take it out on you. I think it is a misguided attempt to actually protect you from more pain. He does still need you just as you need him. ((Hugs)) to you both 3
Author What the Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 It hurts. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.
MrE_UK Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hi, Sorry to hear of your situation and that of your partner...tough times indeed. It sounds like he is trying to protect you and perhaps blames himself for your heart attack. He may also be feeling angry at his situation and upset about how it's affecting you. Plus he is dealing with you being ill and scared for you, wondering if you'll survive. Stay strong, he's not rejecting you. This is about love and also the situation he is facing - the end of his life. He's grieving and perhaps feeling sorry for himself, being depressed too, frustrated, and isolating himself as part of this. You two are facing an extreme situation together and have a lot to deal with. Perhaps it's time for you both to speak to others for support - medical and emotional - to help you both prepare and cope, accept and deal with life too. After a little bit of space and time, tell him: "Don't be so stupid! I'm here and always will be whether you like it or not. My heart attack was not your fault. Don't make me have to get tough with you!! Now, let's enjoy what time we have left together as best we can. Okay?" Best wishes 2
Tayla Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I was once a caregiver to a relative , I get where your hurt comes from. The statement "Anyone know if it's normal for him to feel that way? It makes sense that it's some sort of "I'm on my way out - I'm dying - I'm going to take it out on the one closest to me". I feel like such an idiot and a doormat." Yes its normal for him. Yes its absolutely okay for you to feel hurt, he is keeping a distance . Acknowledge that hurt, and realize that deep inside its the most traumatic thing to have to come to terms with ones mortality. His actions are rather loving...He is shielding you...protecting you .... The martyr in you seems to think...after all I have done to support you and this is how you treat me???!! - Step back from that area....He is accepting and dealing with it first hand, you are the witness and support system...He deserves goodness and if these are his last wishes....please come to terms with that...its also an act of love to do so. I know...as I lost my loved one and regret so much for not respecting some of the last wishes given. A Hospice program may be able to guide you thru this....
PoopHappens Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 This is a very touching story. Through history there have been many cultures that embraced death and allowed the sick to die in dignity while not burdening the family or community. We're not one of those cultures. Your husband has a deep understanding of the sorrow and grief that you feel and will feel and he wants to lessen that for you. Tell him tough luck buddy but he's going to have to die holding your hand. And I hope you feel and get better soon with your own medical problems.
Misadventure Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 WT, I am familiar with this because I saw my grandparents go through this. It's actually pretty normal if someone has seen their own parent go through it or close family member and doesn't want to put their spouse through it.. I imagine hearing that hurts but it's because he loves you that he says that. You also just had a stent put in, so you have had some medical problems, some form of heart disease? A block that you need to have that in...sounds like he is just trying to alleviate stress on you. If you don't have one already for future needs for him, get a home health nurse for when he will have chemo.. for the moments you cannot physically handle (ie vomiting and possibly having to carry him, changing bowel movements, washing him, etc). I would recommend reading a book or going to a support group for spouses going through cancer. You will find you are not alone.
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