gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It is becoming evident that my boyfriend is addicted to porn. He doesn't know that I know, but I have seen it all over his computer, his cell phone and he even made a twitter account for the sole purpose of porn. Anytime I leave our house, he views porn. I don't mind porn from time to time, but I just feel like he could be doing more productive things with his free time. I wish it didn't bother me, but it does. He lied about having a twitter and he even has a separate email acct just to email girls he meets on this game called "Second Life." I think it's a porn game, but I don't really know.Again, he doesn't know that I know about this "secret" porn email account. Do all guys have this desire for a secret fantasy life? Do I have anything to worry about here? It's been bothering me a lot, but I don't know if it's worth bringing up...it's not like he'll stop, more than likely. We've been dating for 2 years and we live together. I want to marry him, but any time the subject of marriage comes up, he sort of laughs it off. Could the porn be interfering with commitment to me or to marriage? He dated his last gf for 5 years and no marriage ever came of that. I'm just confused. Any help or advice is appreciated.
miss_jaclynrae Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 All I am going to say is that, No... not every guy have a desire for a fantasy life. My man likes real life, the real life he has with ME. 1
soccerrprp Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I much prefer the real life with my gf. Nothing feels better! Your guy is addicted to porn. Does it affect his sex life with you? He was with his ex for 5-years. Did he break it off? What happened? He could be a commitment-phobe. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Another 1-message account with an implausible story. You really don't know what Second Life is and you think it might be a porn game? You could have just googled it. Please.
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Lately is has affected our sex life...meaning not nearly as much. No, she broke it off with him, but he said because they were "fighting too much." Could be a commitment -phobe...at least when it comes to the ultimate committment.
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 For your information....Yes, I am a new member. What does that have to do with anything?? I did google the game...I can't really get a feel for what it is except that people talk to each other in a sims like environment. I know you can "pet" people and touch their asses, message them privately...etc...etc... I just don't see the point. Seems like a waste of time. I'm just not sure the details of the game because I don't play! You need to be more nice....I'm asking for advice here... Implausible?? Please, do explain.
Carenth Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Short answer is no. Not all guys need a fantasy life, I certainly don't. It does sound like however that your boyfriend is seriously addicted to porn. I don't know what else to say other than you will need to either confront him about it or move on as I doubt he will be giving up his porn easily. 1
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks. My last bf was really into porn and I honestly was starting to wonder if all guys look at it and use it. This is not a subject that I really want to bring up with my family or friends for advice, so thanks again.
mario_C Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 (edited) Porn is part of all our lives now, but addiction to porn is a serious issue. A little "me" time for him is good, but over time with a lack of balance it can get out of control. It can actually affect a man's ability to perform or to be intimate emotionally with his (wo)man. If he would rather masturbate to porn than be with you, if he has trouble performing without it, if it interferes with his social life or work or other activities that he enjoys, he has to work through those issues. Visit http://www.yourbrainonporn.com for information and tips on getting support for him and you. Edited September 28, 2013 by mario_C fixed a link
ChessPieceFace Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It's your bf's right to fantasies, porn-watching or even self-gratification he doesn't share with you, as long as he isn't involving other people. It only becomes a problem for 2 reasons. The first is if you are unfairly bothered by it (which would basically be your obligation to change.) The second is if his porn is negatively affecting your sex life. That's when it's really a problem and something that needs to be addressed and changed. If you are not fulfilled sexually then you'd have to address that as a couple. If his porn use is the reason then he has to be adult enough to curb his habit and work on his real sexual partnership. You say he "always" watches porn whenever you leave. Perhaps part of this is from the fact that he feels it is "forbidden", and therefore more exciting. I wonder then, if you ease up on the judgment, that it might not seem as exciting. The other things you said seem like much more of a concern. He's messaging girls - uh, what? That's no part of any healthy relationship. And laughing off marriage - same thing. Seems you aren't on the same page. You've got more than a porn problem on your hands.
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 "Do all guys need fantasy life?" They would like one, yes. How many guys do you actually think have the capability to make the fantasy life a reality? Does your BF have a combination of these factors? - Tall/nice physique - Solidified in life/stable - Good looking/dresses well - Rich/status/famous/successful/popular - Charismatic/charming/quite the conversationalist - Edgy/mysterious/intriguing - Womanizer/manipulative/great at planting the seed of a fantasy in a woman's mind If he's not a combination of the above, then chances are he's a far cry from achieving more than scratching the surface with a few women here and there...so your BF is just your average joe who in turn very probably doesn't have the most options in the world to make the fantasy of the reality. Doesn't mean he won't try....after all...the internet allows you to be anyone, and I'd imagine that second life game can hide your ugly face and even the other person on the other end can "imagine" who you are. Porn stars for men are a fantasy, a fantasy...yeah they'd probably fulfill if they were well-endowed, confident enough in their skills and bold enough to actually do it....most guys are not any of the above with the exception of well-endowed, they can't earn that. So in the end...men compromise...they get someone younger, more beautiful than they are, a great catch if possible and the rest they leave to their hand while they flap the sausage to some women on the internet they will probably never have the likes of actually banging. The question is...why the hell do you even want to marry this guy if you feel like he doesn't even want to be apart of your life? Are you low on options yourself or just "in looove", in love with what? what exactly are you experiencing with the guy that makes you feel so loved, wanted and desired? can you explain to me where the love romance and emotions are coming from? because to me it just looks like the honeymoon phase has fizzled out and you've got a neglectful relationship that I can't imagine being very fulfilling. What you think if you "fix this" everything is just going to be perfect and fall in your place? that's your own damn fault and foolishness in believing in that....the relationship you are having TODAY! is your relationship, not what could happen or be tomorrow..do you understand that? that's called fantasy...you're doing your own "second life" and you don't even know it, because unlike a man's fantasy which is external of the relationship, a woman's fantasy is internally and you actually expect it to blossom from your relationship magically...and why? because of the honeymoon phase? because how he treated you in 1842 back when things were solid and he was so into you? I know I'm being hard on you, but It's like banging my head on a wall with many women...particularly young, they can objectively see the fantasy and faults of their partners ideal and goals, nonsense in what he's doing in his own little world or head...but you cannot see the own "fantasy" that you are currently living and trying to create, but just because you think you have an actual face to associate with, you think that's what makes it more "realistic". You know what the reality is? you both are living in a fantasy world.
MrCastle Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Don't want to generalize completely and say all men, but most want that life, yes. Certainly most of the single ones. Sleeping around with multiple women? Having wild, no strings attached sex with highly attractive women? Who is turning that down? However, that's when they're single. Once they find that someone, that one girl they connect with, the smart ones, the ones worth your time, get rid of that dream, and their dream then becomes you being his one and only. 2
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 All I am going to say is that, No... not every guy have a desire for a fantasy life. My man likes real life, the real life he has with ME. As far as you know right? It is slightly annoying when someone comes along pretending their man is perfect when that is never true. 2
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I just have to answer your question. The porn has absolutely nothing to do with him not wanting to marry you. That's a whole separate thing about not wanting to marry you for whatever reason.
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 As far as you know right? It is slightly annoying when someone comes along pretending their man is perfect when that is never true. Going to have to agree. Comedians have done it to death too, so when everyone laughs, you know its true. Every guy watches porn. When they tell you they don't, they watch a lot. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 He obviously has needs that you don't fulfill. He is seeking validation from other women because validation from you is not enough. Even if he is not actually cheating (I bet he is having emotional affairs...but anyway) - he is seriously neglecting you. In a few years time you will ask yourself WTF was I thinking back in 2013... 1
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 It is becoming evident that my boyfriend is addicted to porn. He doesn't know that I know, but I have seen it all over his computer, his cell phone and he even made a twitter account for the sole purpose of porn. Anytime I leave our house, he views porn. he even has a separate email acct just to email girls he meets on this game called "Second Life." I think it's a porn game, but I don't really know.Again, he doesn't know that I know about this "secret" porn email account.. How do you know all this unless you were checking up on him? I think you guys have far more issues than just his fantasy life. You say he doesnt know that you know...well make it known and talk about it! If he is neglecting you in favor of these online fantasies then you should definitely confront him about it.
skydiveaddict Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Do all guys have this desire for a secret fantasy life? Do I have anything to worry about here? Are you serious? It's not a fantasy life. It's a malignant addiction that has destroyed his soul. It shows how much respect he has for you. Zero. It's been bothering me a lot, but I don't know if it's worth bringing up...it's not like he'll stop, more than likely. That's for sure.
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Are you serious? It's not a fantasy life. It's a malignant addiction that has destroyed his soul. It shows how much respect he has for you. Zero. . How much respect does she have for him by stalking his computer and twitter accounts? zero
crederer Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Are you serious? It's not a fantasy life. It's a malignant addiction that has destroyed his soul. It shows how much respect he has for you. Zero. That's for sure. You can't be serious? Destroyed his soul? The guy likes porn, most guys do. He probably has a significantly higher sex drive than you and you probably refuse to have sex when you're not in the mood. That's totally fine and your right, just as it's his right to rub one out. Porn and cheating are two completely different things. My ex was not happy with me looking at porn and suggested most guys don't hardly ever look at porn. To prove a point when we were at a get together, I asked publicly if there were any guys there that watch porn, and the response was pretty hilarious. One guy was even like "what do you mean? Like have I watched any since I got to the party?" One guy didn't want to answer the question and gave a nervous look towards his wife and I said "that's a yes by the way, if it was no he'd just say 'No'". After that she got over it and realized it was something guys do. I know she at first felt it was me thinking she wasn't attractive enough or whatever, but the reality was that we only had sex about twice a week which wasn't nearly enough for me so I compensated with porn. That's it, nothing devious. 1
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 You've got more than a porn problem on your hands. You're right. After hearing what everyone has had to say, it makes it easier to see. It will be a tough conversation, but It needs to happen asap. Thanks for the help.
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 My ex was not happy with me looking at porn and suggested most guys don't hardly ever look at porn. To prove a point when we were at a get together, I asked publicly if there were any guys there that watch porn, and the response was pretty hilarious. One guy was even like "what do you mean? Like have I watched any since I got to the party?" One guy didn't want to answer the question and gave a nervous look towards his wife and I said "that's a yes by the way, if it was no he'd just say 'No'". After that she got over it and realized it was something guys do. I know she at first felt it was me thinking she wasn't attractive enough or whatever, but the reality was that we only had sex about twice a week which wasn't nearly enough for me so I compensated with porn. That's it, nothing devious. First of all, why is she your ex? Just curious. Secondly, I am very sexual, I would initiate sex with him nightly, or every other night. He usually just says he's too dirty or tired. Goes to bed at 7pm. So...that makes me think it's due to the porn obsession.
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 How much respect does she have for him by stalking his computer and twitter accounts? zero I started checking for this type of stuff when he started shutting down our sex life. I'm sorry...but I think that's fair. Don't give me a reason to question and no type of spying will take place. It's not like I get a thrill or good feeling from checking to see if he has separate emails. When you're committed and start acting odd, I think it's anyone's right to investigate. You have to protect yourself and look for the truth at some point.
Author gimmeasign Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, It is evident now that I need to do this. I think deep down I knew that I needed to sit down and open it all up for discussion, but I just needed to hear it from un bias people, I suppose.
Keenly Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 There are guys not addicted to porn. Heck, Ive met guys that stop viewing porn altogether once in a relationship. Ive noticed guys really into porn tend to be really shallow, disrespectful of women in general, have poor impulse control or they have mental health issues and use it as a way of escaping. Once in awhile porn is fine to me though Id really rather not hear about it, once it starts affecting our sex life Im gone. Its really sad the number of men I hear about that rather would have porn than sex with their girlfriend. I wish it was never invented (only been around the last 60 years or so) Since you are new I will give you a tip. There are a lot of self absorbed arrogant men on this site that rip apart women for small human weaknesses while simultaneously excusing themselves for treating women in a rude/selfish/disrespectful way. Pay no attention to them. While I agree that there are guys that stop looking at porn when a woman comes into their life , ( me being one of them, that charged sexual tension is all I need ) I do have a serious question to ask you. Are we talking about the same forum?
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