rakasan Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I posted earlier this week about my recent BU Long story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/427512-how-handle-nasty-fight-break-up Short story: Got into a huge fight, ended really ugly (horrible things were said, got kicked out, no hitting but some grabbing and pulling). Within 15 minutes, he was blocked from all forms of contact/social media. I've been NC for about a week and I have been doing okay. Took a lot of the advice I've read on here and I really feel like I'm on my way to healing. The only thing is for some reason I can't get this feeling of guilt out of my head. After what he did, that's logically the last thing I should be feeling. He always said I had a problem putting myself in other people's shoes and I feel like if roles were reversed I would be really upset over being cut off completely (and in the past I've been known to blow up and ask for forgiveness and he accepted me even when I felt like I didn't deserve it at all). Maybe I feel guilty because I feel like I'm not being fair. He took me back after some pretty bad fights (though never as bad as this) and the first time he flips a lid I cut him off completely. I feel stupid for feeling this way because I know that the way things have been lately it was only a matter of time before we broke up but I don't hate him for what he did and I accept what happened and am in the process of dealing with the fact that we cannot and should not be together. 95% of the time I am super focused on me, but the other 5% I can't help but wonder/hope he isn't suffering too badly. I don't want him to think I hate him or that I regret our relationship because I don't. By no means am I ready to talk to him or contact him at all but I just feel so frustrated with myself at times. What to do...
Author rakasan Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 I can totally feel myself going back on all the progress I feel like I have made. I went so far as to see if there was a way to retrieve my blocked texts to see if he had said anything during my NC but to no avail. Checked my phone bill and apparently it will still show up when I was supposed to have received a text. He texted me 45 mins after I left and nothing since then. It is killing me not knowing what it said. Did he regret it? Did he officially end it? Was it more angry words? Was it an apology? Agh I can't get out of this spiral. Someone please kick some sense into me. I really need it.
melell Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 I think you are going to talk to him about this sooner or later- things left like this are more frustrating than ever. Talk to him, be honest, listen, then move on.
Author rakasan Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks for your reply! Here's the thing... we both go to the same university. In fact, we have classes together (large lecture halls, but class nonetheless). My friends say if it were important for him to talk to me, he knows where to find me (our classes meet 4 out of the 5 school days) and I shouldn't even be concerned because it was him who did those things to me. And I totally agree with this. I know I am not ready to talk to him and I know that I can't be with him after all the turmoil we have both suffered through. I have seen over and over again in this forum that breaking NC is just asking for more pain and heartache and would bring me back to square one of the recovery process. Agh, I just want to do what minimizes pain for both of us and I really have no clue what that is or if I should even care.
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