If you do Online Dating...you ARE settling

[MrTurk]

I have read profile after profile from women....going on and on about how they refuse to "settle". They insist on finding that "right" guy for them.

 

But theoretically....everyone that does online dating is settling...after the first date falls through. If you went online....and found that 1 person that you felt was a great match....and it didnt work out....and you closed your account right then and there...thats not settling. You tried, it didnt work, and youre done.

 

But when people stay...for months and years...going on date after date...you ARE settling. You are settling with the next person you decide to meet. And when that falls through...the next person is worthy enough...then when that falls through...here comes the next person.

 

How can anyone logically lie to themselves that they arent settling?

 

Especially women. Since most women do not initiate....they are settling for that 1 guy out of a group of men that contacted them. There could be a guy thats 10X better....that didnt contact her. But she is settling only for guys that do contact her first.

[HokeyReligions]

How is that different from dating IRL?

[MrTurk]

How is that different from dating IRL?

 

Kinda the same as far as settling goes.

 

The only point I'm making, is with the online women that preach in their profile....about how they "Refuse to settle".

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If you do Online Dating...you ARE settling

 

 

 

This couldn't be more inaccurate where it relates to women.

 

 

Online dating affords women scores and scores of responses/applicants, and it lets them obtain those applications from afar, anonymously, and in such a way that allows women to pick and choose as might an H.R. person looking at the most qualified individuals. It allows women the rare chance to be completely safe while culling prospects, and then affords them the time span during which they could, if they weren't so impulsive and likely to rush and follow their hearts, demand that early male qualifiers spend a significant amount of time interacting online during round two, working toward the greater goal which is meeting face-to-face in round three.

 

For women this is a million times more suitable than are nearly all of the tired, old routines which have them dressing (-down, effectively), meeting-up, hoping they've not dressed so far down that they give off any number of wrong impressions, and then waiting for the general idiocy that is the huge combination of nearly-unrelated factors which determine whether they meet even one suitable candidate during an evening out.

 

 

Women have seldom before been free to make their social availability known in such a safe arena, and it has emboldened them a good deal, to where they are far more likely to land a very suitable match than was the case 30 years ago.

 

 

The social scenario for women is, via the internet, changing and improving at a rate which is out-pacing the rate of 'global warming' by 1000-to-1.

 

 

I mean, look at chatrooms... when the net first became the public domain, chatrooms didn't thrive because men were, collectively, such crafty wordsmiths or so eloquently verbose.

 

Chatrooms thrived immediately because WOMEN were SAFE and still able to interact with strange men while expressing themselves quite thoroughly and without too much self-censorship.

 

Sites like Loveshack became so popular, once again, because women could express themselves safely and more thoroughly than the nightclub scenario could ever allow.

 

 

Now it may be true that you, Mr. Turk, evolved past the point of having "settled" once you opted to throw your dating profile into the online ring (where you had little hope of being the 1 in 23 who got a response from a woman).

 

But your statement is anything but true of women.

[MissBee]

I have read profile after profile from women....going on and on about how they refuse to "settle". They insist on finding that "right" guy for them.

 

But theoretically....everyone that does online dating is settling...after the first date falls through. If you went online....and found that 1 person that you felt was a great match....and it didnt work out....and you closed your account right then and there...thats not settling. You tried, it didnt work, and youre done.

 

But when people stay...for months and years...going on date after date...you ARE settling. You are settling with the next person you decide to meet. And when that falls through...the next person is worthy enough...then when that falls through...here comes the next person.

 

How can anyone logically lie to themselves that they arent settling?

 

Especially women. Since most women do not initiate....they are settling for that 1 guy out of a group of men that contacted them. There could be a guy thats 10X better....that didnt contact her. But she is settling only for guys that do contact her first.

 

You have a very different idea of settling than what I understand it to mean.

 

Simply meeting someone or even going on a date isn't settling, settling from what I know it to mean requires settling down and establishing a relationship with someone you don't feel all that satisfied with but think "alright fine...why not."

 

It's not about if you initiate or not....it's about are you satisfied with this person or not? You can choose to only respond to men whom you are into and you can choose to only go on further dates with men you're genuinely excited about. The HR example given is a good one... HR doesn't settle. Some companies headhunt and go after top notch people, others don't actively hunt for people, people come to them and apply, but they only interview those they have a genuine interest in and then only hire those they felt were the best fit...they don't just hire anyone who hands in a resume regardless of how they feel about their abilities...that's settling. Online dating can be the same. Settling is going on a date and getting into a relationship indiscriminately, so long as someone messages you. But even if you never message anyone and always wait for them to initiate, you can still choose to only respond to men you'd choose to message if you were gonna message anyone.

 

 

I would agree though that if you're not satisfied with online dating as a medium but continue using online services, you are settling with regards to continuously using a service you dislike instead of choosing not to and to find something you like a lot more.

Edited September 28, 2013 by MissBee

[salparadise]

I have read profile after profile from women....going on and on about how they refuse to "settle". They insist on finding that "right" guy for them.

 

But theoretically....everyone that does online dating is settling...after the first date falls through. If you went online....and found that 1 person that you felt was a great match....and it didnt work out....and you closed your account right then and there...thats not settling. You tried, it didnt work, and youre done.

 

But when people stay...for months and years...going on date after date...you ARE settling. You are settling with the next person you decide to meet. And when that falls through...the next person is worthy enough...then when that falls through...here comes the next person.

 

How can anyone logically lie to themselves that they arent settling?

 

Especially women. Since most women do not initiate....they are settling for that 1 guy out of a group of men that contacted them. There could be a guy thats 10X better....that didnt contact her. But she is settling only for guys that do contact her first.

 

I was so naive before I read this... thanks for ejukatin me

[Silly_Girl]

What a crock....

[Kelemvor]

I don't think it's settling at all? Some of us are busy and don't have time to meet all the single women/men in our area. I find online dating to be much more productive and efficient at weeding out people that you "know" wouldn't work in a relationship. After that, go out and have fun, and if you don't feel a connection and are getting plenty of dating opportunities on the website, then you can afford to be picky, can't you? My current gf lives an hour away and I met her on a dating site. She's awesome and we are very compatible but I would have absolutely never in a million years met this woman outside of a dating website.

[MrTurk]

It's still settling. Those of you that dont agree, just change the way you are viewing it so it doesnt fit the definition.

 

You choose guy A based on your standards. He doesnt work out. Guy B was on the site at the same time, but you chose guy A first. Now that guy A didnt work....all of a sudden guy B qualifies. If guy B falls through....now guy C is qualified, when actually he wasnt even on your radar when you were looking at guy A, because he was 3 down on the list.

 

Its settling. You can mix the words and point of view anyway you want. Its still settling.

 

You are changing your standards based on availability and compatibility.

 

In your mind....you still think you are choosing a guy, any guy that "fits" your standards or wants.....but as you wade through the guys, you are adapting what you deem qualified. It may be miniscule....but you are still doing it.

Edited September 28, 2013 by MrTurk

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Turk, that doesn't make any sense at all!

 

 

One could say same about/to women merely living in Alaska...

[Kelemvor]

It's still settling. Those of you that dont agree, just change the way you are viewing it so it doesnt fit the definition.

 

You choose guy A based on your standards. He doesnt work out. Guy B was on the site at the same time, but you chose guy A first. Now that guy A didnt work....all of a sudden guy B qualifies. If guy B falls through....now guy C is qualified, when actually he wasnt even on your radar when you were looking at guy A, because he was 3 down on the list.

 

Its settling. You can mix the words and point of view anyway you want. Its still settling.

 

You are changing your standards based on availability and compatibility.

 

You're discussing relativity. In that sense... I'm settling with almost everything I decide on...every day. Lunch? Well, I want something from a deli, a BLT specifically, but they are out of bacon. Crap, they are out of tomatoes too, maybe a Caesar chicken wrap? Yea, that sounds great.

 

Did I settle? Maybe I'm missing the BLT as I sit there eating my Caesar wrap, or maybe I'm thinking "Damn, I'm sure glad they didn't have a BLT, because this wrap is out of this world." Either way, I'm a winner in my opinion because I still got something from the Deli and didn't have to eat something out of the work cafeteria.

[Silly_Girl]

My husband was the 3rd date I set up via Match. We both closed our accounts within 2 weeks. If that's settling I'm all for it.

[xxoo]

It's still settling. Those of you that dont agree, just change the way you are viewing it so it doesnt fit the definition.

 

You choose guy A based on your standards. He doesnt work out. Guy B was on the site at the same time, but you chose guy A first. Now that guy A didnt work....all of a sudden guy B qualifies. If guy B falls through....now guy C is qualified, when actually he wasnt even on your radar when you were looking at guy A, because he was 3 down on the list.

 

Its settling. You can mix the words and point of view anyway you want. Its still settling.

 

You are changing your standards based on availability and compatibility.

 

In your mind....you still think you are choosing a guy, any guy that "fits" your standards or wants.....but as you wade through the guys, you are adapting what you deem qualified. It may be miniscule....but you are still doing it.

 

At the very least, you are confusing liking the ad with liking the product.

 

The first skin care product I bought had the best ads, had a beautiful package, promised to provide the most benefits--and burned my face.

 

I eventually found a product with no ads which I LOVE. Have I settled? No, I've found my ideal. But it definitely took some trial and error to figure out what I really want and need.

Edited September 28, 2013 by xxoo

[MrTurk]

You're discussing relativity. In that sense... I'm settling with almost everything I decide on...every day.

 

You are correct.

 

Would you like to get into the discussion of how little of your conscious input goes into your decision making on any given day? We are not in control as much as we think we are.

 

Google.....

 

-Illusion of Knowledge

 

-Dan Ariely Are we in control of our own decisions

[carhill]

If you do Online Dating...you ARE settling

Yep, when I was online dating, I was settling/compromising for/choosing to pursue that avenue to meet ostensibly single people. Settlement, in and of itself, is neutral. The results can be positive, neutral or negative, depending on the nature of the settlement and perspective of the parties.

 

I have read profile after profile from women....going on and on about how they refuse to "settle". They insist on finding that "right" guy for them.

 

Back when OLD was a part of my life, if I read this, it was on to the next potential meeting. It wasn't so much the what but the how that killed that canary.

[MissBee]

It's still settling. Those of you that dont agree, just change the way you are viewing it so it doesnt fit the definition.

 

What???

 

So in order to see how it is settling we must change the definition of settling....umm this makes no sense. Changing the definition so it becomes what you're saying, it means it isn't it or else the definition wouldn't need to be changed. So that's the point, you can't just take a term and then ask people to ignore its meaning to suit your theory. Use a different word for what you mean then, because what settling is isn't what you're describing.

[xxoo]

Mr. Turk, did you ever shop for a house?

 

When I was shopping for our current house, I search online within my criteria, and made a list of properties I wanted to see. One property was my "first choice"--the one I was really excited to see, and thought would be perfect. But I still found 6 or 7 more properties that were "maybes".

 

The "first choice" turned out to be very disappointing. The photos online didn't show the bad smell, or the cat damage, or the drainage problems. Also, it was a "photogenic" house, looking much better on photos than in person. After seeing it, we were no longer interested.

 

The house we eventually chose was not a front runner from photos and listing info. But when we walked inside: WOW! It felt like....home. I was in love. Is it perfect? No, of course not. But I truly LOVE it.

 

The thing is, if I had had to choose based on ads, I wouldn't have chosen it. And if I'd had to choose a home 3 years earlier, I wouldn't have chosen it, because I didn't yet know how much I loved this neighborhood and would have bought in a different neighborhood (my favorite at the time, until discovering this neighborhood). I feel so blessed and lucky to live in a home and neighborhood I love so much.

 

It wasn't so different from when I fell in love with my husband. He wasn't the first guy I was interested in, or the first guy I dated, but he was the first (and only) guy that made me feel "home" and never want to be with anyone else.

[MrTurk]

 

It wasn't so different from when I fell in love with my husband. He wasn't the first guy I was interested in, or the first guy I dated, but he was the first (and only) guy that made me feel "home" and never want to be with anyone else.

 

Just because your situation doesnt fit my explanation doesnt mean I'm wrong.

 

Theres always exceptions to everything.

 

Would you feel better if I add the word "most" people that do online dating settle? Do you really need to nit-pick it down to that level? Most is any number over 50%....so I'll leave it up to you to decide.

 

And as a woman....you need to work on the "this is my situation so the world revolves around me" mindset. I hear that from so many women. Why is it so hard to realize not every woman is like you, not every woman sees things the way you do, and not every women agrees with you?

[PlumPrincess]

Just because you fall for every woman you meet for the first time doesn't mean that everybody else does. And even when they do, a good impression still doesn't mean that that there is enough compatibility or not some skeletons in the closet that are not acceptable. There are a thousand reasons why a first date doesn't work out. How crazy is it to believe that the first guy/woman you meet has to be the right one???

 

Honestly, when I read posts like these I think I should really quit OLD. I always say there are more weird men than weird women (I read somewhere that having more geniuses among men than women can be traced back to the same reason, so don't complain, guys ) and online it seems to be worse.

[MrTurk]

online it seems to be worse.

 

Hallelujah