Jump to content

Disgusted with what I found on boyfriends phone

Midnight_Princess

By Midnight_Princess
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Sanman Established Member

Sanman

Posted
Posted (edited)
We are straying a bit from the point - which is the OPs comfort level with the situation - but yes, I am a "mental health professional trained in such matters".

 

This man did not simply "look at a picture". He looked at many pictures on a porn site (no real problem there) but according to the OP he only downloaded the underage appearing photos. That is a red flag, which simply means it perks up the antennae and merits further exploration. Could be nothing; could be something.

 

Secondly, I did not suggest he was a danger to children. That can not be determined without a full evaluation. I asked the OP to think about whether SHE personally wants to be in a situation she is "disgusted" by when the potential exists that someday it's not going to be pictures of underage appearing females downloaded to a harddrive - it's going to be underage females in person, underfoot. Some people would not be bothered at all. Some people would have a thought pop up now and then. Some people would have uncomfortable thoughts or images creep up frequently. It's impossible to say. Only the OP knows if her concern and disgust is at a level she's willing to deal with.

 

I also did not say a middle aged man's sexual interest will "never" change. I said it's unlikely.

 

But the point is not whether or not this man's behavior is OK or normal or deviant or harmless. The point is that the OP finds it unacceptable and disgusting. She has a perfect right to feel that way and it's really not anyone's place to tell her that her feelings are wrong or inappropriate. She has a right to choose whether or not she wants this behavior in her life or in her head.

 

As a fellow mental health professional, I find it irresponsible of you to make such a comparison to a sex offender without any firsthand knowledge of the situation or even a cursory interview of the individual. The fact is that we don't know if those are the only images he downloaded or ones the OP found. To compare behavior that can largely be considered normal (looking at images of women most likely of age, though young looking) to pathologies is a huge leap. The fact is, in the majority of cases, that red flag will not amount any pathological behavior at all and does not suggest he will be a pedophile or sex offender or should be thought of that way.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
RainDown Established Member

RainDown

Posted
Posted
As a fellow mental health professional, I find it irresponsible of you to make such a comparison to a sex offender without any firsthand knowledge of the situation or even a cursory interview of the individual. The fact is that we don't know if those are the only images he downloaded or ones the OP found. To compare behavior that can largely be considered normal (looking at images of women most likely of age, though young looking) to pathologies is a huge leap. The fact is, in the majority of cases, that red flag will not amount any pathological behavior at all and does not suggest he will be a pedophile or sex offender or should be thought of that way.

 

I don't know why you are quoting me. I've never compared him to a sex offender or pedophile.

  • Like 1
Sanman Established Member

Sanman

Posted
Posted
I don't know why you are quoting me. I've never compared him to a sex offender or pedophile.

 

No, you compared his behavior (which may or may not be accurately portrayed here) to the behavior of incarcerated sex offenders that might be considered troubling to a treatment team when the contexts those behaviors are completely different and where one behavior might not be considered a red flag.

emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted

This guy may or may not be these things , we don't know. I'd be too uncomfortable to stick around and find out how far this fetish goes though. We don't know if he has been with pre-pubescent teens or fantasizes about it, this might be the beginning of something awful. My disgust and fears would be enough for me to stay away before becoming invested and heartbroken.

  • Like 1
MalachiX Established Member

MalachiX

Posted
Posted
Im not trying to judge him. Im disturbed by whar iv seen but im not going around screamimg 'pedofile'.

 

Hes not searching for young girls. They appear on the site but hes downloaded the pictures. Hes not askimg them for selfies. I meant the website is one where people upload whatever pictures they wish to share(all porn), like a girl may have sent a guy a pic and hes then put it up on the site. Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesnt. Not all of the pictures were of girls who seemed so young. But the ones iv seen had me very worried. As i said some may be of age, some didnt look to be. And either way it worries me why anyone would find girls who are or look so young a turn on.

 

Not trying to put you no the defensive here but just offering advice.

 

Your initial post indicated that you were worried that he had a strong attraction to underage girls which would be the classical definition of a pedophile.

 

Now you've said that only some of them are of those who look very young and all were uploaded by girls themselves.

 

I think what some of us are getting at is that you seem to be getting very worked up without a lot to go on. Your BF had some porn pictures (and you're OK with him having porn) and some of them looked a like very young girls to you but most likely were not underage girls since the sight would have likely been shut down. In my mind, that's pretty slim reasoning to suspect your BF might be attracted to underage girls. An attraction to underage girls is a PRETTY HUGE DEAL so I really think you might want to take a step back from all this.

 

My gut response is that you might be over-reacting just because subconsiously you don't like the idea that he's looking at women who are very different than you are. That said, I haven't seen these pictures so I really can't say. Maybe if I had seen them, I'd be as concerned as you are.

  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Not trying to put you no the defensive here but just offering advice.

 

Your initial post indicated that you were worried that he had a strong attraction to underage girls which would be the classical definition of a pedophile.

 

Now you've said that only some of them are of those who look very young and all were uploaded by girls themselves.

 

I think what some of us are getting at is that you seem to be getting very worked up without a lot to go on. Your BF had some porn pictures (and you're OK with him having porn) and some of them looked a like very young girls to you but most likely were not underage girls since the sight would have likely been shut down. In my mind, that's pretty slim reasoning to suspect your BF might be attracted to underage girls. An attraction to underage girls is a PRETTY HUGE DEAL so I really think you might want to take a step back from all this.

 

My gut response is that you might be over-reacting just because subconsiously you don't like the idea that he's looking at women who are very different than you are. That said, I haven't seen these pictures so I really can't say. Maybe if I had seen them, I'd be as concerned as you are.

 

Im not bothered if the women he looks at are different to me. Porn wouldnt be very exciting if every girl looked like your girlfriend right? So its no problem.

 

I think you too would be worried about these pictures. I do still believe some were underage, which also makes me worry for him if hes unaware that they could be. Others did just look young and as others have saod yes thats still a problem for me. For him to download pictures of a girl who looks barely older then 12 still does worry me. Wether its legal or not for a grown man to find that attractive disgusts me. So to the people trying to justify that i do understand but its simply not my point here but thank you for your imput.

 

 

And to clarify yet again to the people who must ignore half my posts I DONT HAVE AN ISSUE WITH PORN EVEN IF THEY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TO ME, I DID NOT AND DO NOT SNOOP! we are free to look at eachothers phones, i was looking at recent pictures we had taken. We do actually trust eachother! And 'lack of trust' has absolutely nothing to do with finding this.

Edited by Midnight_Princess
  • Like 2
emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted

So what are you going to do ? You've opened Pandora's box and there's no going back to the same now.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

OP you are right to be concerned that the only pictures he wanted to save are the ones of girls looking like they are 12 (whether they are or not) because obviously he is going to masturbate to them. There was a poster here not too long ago whose 30 something year old boyfriend was trying to come on to her 15 year old sister. Some guys are turned on by girls this young but have girlfriends who are age appropriate. I don't trust them.

  • Like 1
emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted (edited)
There was a poster here not too long ago whose 30 something year old boyfriend was trying to come on to her 15 year old sister. Some guys are turned on by girls this young but have girlfriends who are age appropriate. I don't trust them.

 

Ding ding ding. That was me. And in my thread like 4 other women came forward and said they had been that sister , the brother-in-laws never stopped the advances, decades later. As taboo as this **** is, it's real. Too much to live side by side with a man like this.

 

My sister was 16 so that's not a pedophile. It's called something else at that age but nonetheless a desire for dominance over an innocent young girl. 12-15 year old porn. I dot even want to imagine id be 10 times as disgusted. The porn he watched was women in early 20s-30s and he went for women of all ages. So there was no set desire. But as soon as he laid eyes on my sister that was one too many. I was out.

Edited by emva07
  • Like 1
Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
If you believe these girls are underage, you have a responsibility to contact the police.

 

I disagree. Unless he's part of some secret network, or appears to be grooming, there's no onus on her to take action.

RainDown Established Member

RainDown

Posted
Posted

Another thing to objectively consider is the legal risk your SO is exposing himself to.

 

You say this website he visits is a site where generic people upload their own porn pictures. What if some of the girls uploading there really are underage?

 

If you're in the US and you are downloading those images, ignorance is no defense in the eyes of the law. Simply put, you are downloading child porn even if the "child" uploaded the image herself. "I didn't know she really IS a 12 year-old, I only thought she looked like one" is not gonna cut it when the law comes knocking.

 

He's playing with fire flirting around with stuff like that. And those who flirt with fire have the potential to be burned quite badly.

 

In today's legal climate surrounding child porn it would probably be wise to stick to internet porn sites where there is no question whatsoever that the models/participants are of legal age. If someone looks 12 years old, I'd get the hell out of there. Better safe than sorry.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Another thing to objectively consider is the legal risk your SO is exposing himself to.

 

You say this website he visits is a site where generic people upload their own porn pictures. What if some of the girls uploading there really are underage?

 

If you're in the US and you are downloading those images, ignorance is no defense in the eyes of the law. Simply put, you are downloading child porn even if the "child" uploaded the image herself. "I didn't know she really IS a 12 year-old, I only thought she looked like one" is not gonna cut it when the law comes knocking.

 

He's playing with fire flirting around with stuff like that. And those who flirt with fire have the potential to be burned quite badly.

 

In today's legal climate surrounding child porn it would probably be wise to stick to internet porn sites where there is no question whatsoever that the models/participants are of legal age. If someone looks 12 years old, I'd get the hell out of there. Better safe than sorry.

 

Thank you. This also was a big worry of mine even if he thought they must be of age

  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP you are right to be concerned that the only pictures he wanted to save are the ones of girls looking like they are 12 (whether they are or not) because obviously he is going to masturbate to them. There was a poster here not too long ago whose 30 something year old boyfriend was trying to come on to her 15 year old sister. Some guys are turned on by girls this young but have girlfriends who are age appropriate. I don't trust them.

 

 

This is exactly how i think, im not sure i can ever get it out of my head

  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
So what are you going to do ? You've opened Pandora's box and there's no going back to the same now.

 

 

Im really unsure what to do. Ill never be comfortable with the fact he is or was turned on by someone who looks or actually is so young. I know he didnt seach for people so young so thats my only comfort, but it changes nothing. He didnt just look at the pictures he downloaded them. If it was a legit registered porn site although they might look young they have to be legal age, so that would be different(though if they looked this young id still be disgusted) but thats not the case.

 

This will always be in the back of my mind, i still feel as disgusted as the moment i found them. I just dont know what to do now.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, i remember reading it. So sorry that happened to you.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted

I find it more than a little ironic, and even a little disturbing, that so many guys posting here want to convince you it's nothing.

 

... or even suggest YOU are the problem here, not him.

 

Sorry, I don't believe in keeping secrets in an intimate relationship. If he's turned on by women who look underage, that would bother me too.

 

I personally wouldn't try to change him either. I'd take it as useful information... discovered in time before his POSSIBLE behavior and um, 'interests' took some other route.

 

Seriously, why take a &^% chance with a guy like that? I wouldn't.

 

If I found something like that, I'd leave him. It's that simple.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I find it more than a little ironic, and even a little disturbing, that so many guys posting here want to convince you it's nothing.

 

... or even suggest YOU are the problem here, not him.

 

Sorry, I don't believe in keeping secrets in an intimate relationship. If he's turned on by women who look underage, that would bother me too.

 

I personally wouldn't try to change him either. I'd take it as useful information... discovered in time before his POSSIBLE behavior and um, 'interests' took some other route.

 

Seriously, why take a &^% chance with a guy like that? I wouldn't.

 

If I found something like that, I'd leave him. It's that simple.

 

Thank you redrobin for your reply and for also noticing the people trying to justify it :sick:

 

I dont want to change him... well i do, but im one of those that believe people never change.

 

I wish it was as simple as leaving but at the moment theres some big things going on.

emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted
I find it more than a little ironic, and even a little disturbing, that so many guys posting here want to convince you it's nothing.

 

... or even suggest YOU are the problem here, not him.

 

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

I'm sorry but a guy who is purposefully looking for naked pictures of 12 year olds will not change without therapy, and even then, it's a stretch as there is no real cure for pedophilia. I'd rather quit now then when he's on the 10 o'clock news for molestation and all the neighbors are saying "we would've never thought that he was like that, he was such a good man" and you're the wife.

 

Like someone said earlier, better safe than sorry.

  • Like 1
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted

 

Your initial post indicated that you were worried that he had a strong attraction to underage girls which would be the classical definition of a pedophile.

 

 

... only to those who have no idea what a pedophile entails!!!

 

 

 

 

(If you see a high school hottie at the mall, and find yourself noticing her exterior appeal in passing - there is nothing at all about that which fits any "classical definition of a pedophile". You could turn and leer at her for as long as she stays in view, and there is nothing about such actions which fits the "classical definition of a pedophile". You could ogle Madonna's 16yo daughter on the beach every day, and there is nothing at all about so doing which fits the "classical definition of a pedophile")

 

Now why didn't our OP stand up for this boyfriend when the first response suggested he is a pedophile??

happydate Established Member

happydate

Posted
Posted

Wow, I did not realize there are a lot of women man haters on this ****. So much for being un-biased! And what about her boyfriend? Left without any avenue for defense. Oh so now we have Judge Judy justice style on Loveshack based only from the opinion of the poster itself without needing to hear from the other side.

 

Are you all curious how those photos look like? Where are the photos? Anyone can make up stories of anything on Facebook these days to defame people despite the fact they are not true stories. How many people got character defamation and then proven to be wrongly accused and then, not only no apologies were given but the scars left on the people who were wrongly accused are permanent. They did nothing wrong other than some else who suspect they are doing something WRONG WITHOUT confirmation or validating the accusation. I am seeing it. Just a few words from the OP and all a sudden, everyone calls this guy a possible pedophile, a crazy dude and a woman exploiter.

 

Why the heck the OP is asking these questions here? In a relationship, you are supposed to be open. If you have some concerns, ASK HIM. Ask him to explain why those photos are there? You have the right to be concerned, so ask him. If he did not give you an acceptable explanation, then ask us. Perhaps we can all give you some sound advise. But what I see here is nothing more than character defamation based on circumstantial evidence which btw are not even seen. We dont even see what those girls look like. For all we know, they are probably of legal age.

 

Have you heard of Photoshop Ladies and Gentlemen? We call it the Healing Brush technique and it is A COMMON process that all women magazine photo editors use to make women look skinnier and a lot younger. This is an industry standard practise and anyone can use healing brush on Photoshop to make yourself look young, thin and attractive. Are you sure these photos are not Photoshoped? All women in magazines are photoshopped btw. I know as I work in the digital media business!

  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
... only to those who have no idea what a pedophile entails!!!

 

 

 

 

(If you see a high school hottie at the mall, and find yourself noticing her exterior appeal in passing - there is nothing at all about that which fits any "classical definition of a pedophile". You could turn and leer at her for as long as she stays in view, and there is nothing about such actions which fits the "classical definition of a pedophile". You could ogle Madonna's 16yo daughter on the beach every day, and there is nothing at all about so doing which fits the "classical definition of a pedophile")

 

Now why didn't our OP stand up for this boyfriend when the first response suggested he is a pedophile??

 

 

Because i will never defend ANYONE who has not just looked at, but downloaded porn pictures of girls who look as and could be as young as 12.

 

I never said the word pedophile. The poster gave their opinion and thats what i asked for, opinions and advice.

 

As for your example im sorry but how does that apply? Thats different to downloading porn pictures of girls who are or do look that young then playing with yourself. Im trying but struggling to understand your point.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wow, I did not realize there are a lot of women man haters on this ****. So much for being un-biased! And what about her boyfriend? Left without any avenue for defense. Oh so now we have Judge Judy justice style on Loveshack based only from the opinion of the poster itself without needing to hear from the other side.

 

Are you all curious how those photos look like? Where are the photos? Anyone can make up stories of anything on Facebook these days to defame people despite the fact they are not true stories. How many people got character defamation and then proven to be wrongly accused and then, not only no apologies were given but the scars left on the people who were wrongly accused are permanent. They did nothing wrong other than some else who suspect they are doing something WRONG WITHOUT confirmation or validating the accusation. I am seeing it. Just a few words from the OP and all a sudden, everyone calls this guy a possible pedophile, a crazy dude and a woman exploiter.

 

Why the heck the OP is asking these questions here? In a relationship, you are supposed to be open. If you have some concerns, ASK HIM. Ask him to explain why those photos are there? You have the right to be concerned, so ask him. If he did not give you an acceptable explanation, then ask us. Perhaps we can all give you some sound advise. But what I see here is nothing more than character defamation based on circumstantial evidence which btw are not even seen. We dont even see what those girls look like. For all we know, they are probably of legal age.

 

Have you heard of Photoshop Ladies and Gentlemen? We call it the Healing Brush technique and it is A COMMON process that all women magazine photo editors use to make women look skinnier and a lot younger. This is an industry standard practise and anyone can use healing brush on Photoshop to make yourself look young, thin and attractive. Are you sure these photos are not Photoshoped? All women in magazines are photoshopped btw. I know as I work in the digital media business!

 

Why the hell would i make something like this up? Im no sicko. I chose to post here cause i was unsure how to bring it up or what to say and very worried. I can post whatever i want when ever i want on this forum thank you very much.

Dont know what you would need to hear from my boyfriend? I seen downloaded porn pictures of girls who look like they could be as young as 12... theres no two sides to that. That is a fact he cant dismiss. And please note, i never once said they ARE 100% that young, i said it does appear some are and that worries the **** out of me.... am i not meant to be worried by this?????? And as i continue to say even if they were legal(which im unsure of) it still botheres me hes doing that over girls who look so young!!

 

They are not magazine shots.

Sanman Established Member

Sanman

Posted
Posted

Te bottom line is this OP, whether the rest of us agree or disagree with you, you are the only one who has seen the pictures and not one us has any clue if your judgement is accurate. Your choices are to drop the issue, confront him, leave him, or call the cops. We can't tell you what to do with any accuracy without seeing the images. So, do what you want.

  • Like 1
emva07 Established Member

emva07

Posted
Posted

finding a 16 year old hot at the mall or at the beach in her bikini is way different than downloading pornographic pictures of one. Mind you, the girls in question don't even look 16, they look 12-15.

Sanman Established Member

Sanman

Posted
Posted
finding a 16 year old hot at the mall or at the beach in her bikini is way different than downloading pornographic pictures of one. Mind you, the girls in question don't even look 16, they look 12-15.

 

From a male perspective though, I don't think that there is a guy out there who has not thought a young woman was attractive and in her early 20's only to find out she was 14-16. The opposite has been true as well. So, I just wonder what this person's definition of 12 is. The key is that any decent guy would not act on such impulses knowingly. So, does the bf believe the pics are of a 12 year old or someone of legal age.

  • Author
Midnight_Princess Established Member

Midnight_Princess

Posted
  • Author
Posted
From a male perspective though, I don't think that there is a guy out there who has not thought a young woman was attractive and in her early 20's only to find out she was 14-16. The opposite has been true as well. So, I just wonder what this person's definition of 12 is. The key is that any decent guy would not act on such impulses knowingly. So, does the bf believe the pics are of a 12 year old or someone of legal age.

Very good points you make sanman, this is why i asked for opinions and advice. Thank you.

 

To me theres no mistaking they looked underage, i think if others seen they would agree. There was a couple which i know would of just looked young, as iv said. I find it hard to believe anyone would think that some of these looked of age at all. I cant exactly show the pictires(nor would i) so i know its difficult for people to understand. I know the diffetent between a 13 year old and a 19 year old girls body, after all i was once that age.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...