It's Not Your Job To Sell Them On You

[MrCastle]

A lot is made on here (in general, actually) about marketing yourself properly when it comes to dating.

 

Be the best person you can be in all phases. Physically, socially, personality wise, etc. You put yourself out there and see who bites.

 

And with that I agree.

 

But what you're not supposed to do is convince people to like you.

 

Some of you may think that's common knowledge, but I'm surprised at the amount of threads involving people asking for advice on how to seemingly sway someone's opinion of them. You can't force attraction.

 

For me personally, if they can't see why I'm an awesome catch, that's their issue. It's not up to me to convince them otherwise.

 

Seems to me like a lot of wasted time and heartache would be saved if more people adopted that belief.

 

What do you think? How far do you go before you say "you know what? this is like pulling teeth, it shouldn't be this difficult"

 

There may be an egotistical component to this but, I'm not expecting them to think I'm the greatest guy on Earth, and their world revolves around me (although that would be sweet) but rather -- if I'm getting a lukewarm vibe from them, like they can take me or leave me depending on the day, I make the decision for them and drop.

 

I have done this quite often the past few months and it makes your life a lot easier on your psyche. Instead of feeling like you're banging your head against a wall to get things to progress between you and someone else, just eject when you feel you're not getting the feedback you deserve.

 

Again, common sense to some I'm sure, but for others, I feel like they are working a dead end and think at some point it will turn around. I don't think you should have to time and time again show people that you're a catch -- either they get it or they don't.

 

What do you guys think?

[sickpuppy]

Completely agree. I've got no time to convince people of anything. They can either step up and see for themselves or simply step off and get to steppin'.

 

I cannot control others actions and have no time to waste trying to.

 

Besides..Are those who want to be chased really worth it in the end? IMO no.

Edited September 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quoted full OP to make it easier to read

[Bito]

The best way to sell yourself is to be yourself .

[fujidabruin]

Thanks for posting this MrCastle,

 

It seems like people are always wanting to show a side themselves that they hope that others will like. In certain circumstances maybe it is prudent to hold back a bit and "go along to get along". In the workplace or as a guest in an unfamiliar place it may be wise to stay pleasant and casual.

 

However, to your point it is essential in my mind that you be totally yourself in a relationship. I feel it is probably more important at the start than most people might think. I say get all the "cards on the table" and see who still wants to play. We are all at least a little bit different and that is the beauty. Not interested to be with someone that is so restrictive that the are not willing to at least explore our differences.

[MrCastle]

I believe we do best with people who see us for how we see ourselves. Because it provides validation and confirmation.

 

If you see yourself as this awesome person with a lot of positive qualities, and you're not being treated as such, in my opinion, you have to drop them. Long term I don't see it working out if they can take you or leave you.

 

Don't feel like you have to bend over backwards and do things to sway their opinion into a more positive feeling.

[Guitarisgood]

It's not the catching part but the keeping part. You have to have that 'edge'. You cannot go full blown relationship man; messaging all day, meeting up more than once blah blah blah in the few months you guys start dating. You have to make her miss you and to put the effort in on HER part to CHASE you and invest her time. That's where relationships are won and lost FMPOV.

 

You don't have to convince her you are a great catch but you have to convince her that you hold yourself in high esteem and high standards she has to decide if she is worthy of.

[white]

How far do I go? About a month. I give my effort to them for a month and then I don't care. But as much as I'd like to think that's me asserting my self-worth, I suspect it's really just me genuinely getting fed up of being hurt or ignored and not wanting to experience that any more. A reactive rather than proactive behaviour on my part. I could be wrong. After a month I've generally lost interest, so their never calling or always being busy doesn't so much sting any more as just reinforce that they suck and I want nothing more to do with them.

 

Anyway, it's all very well talking about self esteem and knowing you're awesome, but when that doesn't get you anywhere, for a long time, and you continue to believe it, it starts to verge on the famous definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Don't ask me what the alternative is, because thinking you're a useless sack of **** instead sure doesn't sort anything out either.

[mario_C]

I know how much women like to talk about "quiet confidence", and men who don't need to present themselves or tout their awesomeness, whatever that means, and be themselves and self actualized. And how come I never meet a man like that, wonders the frustrated young female?

I'll tell you why, miss. Because he got cockblocked by your boyfriend the a$$#0le in the Camaro with the hedge fund, or your last boyfriend the pig pitching his comedy pilot after humping your leg on the dance floor. So much for quiet confidence. Confidence cannot be quiet, confidence needs to make a little noise.

 

So OP, your insight is all well and good if you're a stylish, confident, witty and superfit young man with a sexy career and car. For the other 99 percentile, though, a little marketing is more than necessary.

When the market is flooded with guys saying hello with cock pictures, and creeps like this guy, women are just fed up with digging through piles of losers and shut down. They become cold and hostile. And you just want to take them to dinner and have a nice conversation. So now you have to be diplomatic too, and leather skinned when they cut you down verbally for just wanting to talk to them.

And you have to market yourself so when or if they decide to try again, they will try you.

[MrCastle]

I know how much women like to talk about "quiet confidence", and men who don't need to present themselves or tout their awesomeness, whatever that means, and be themselves and self actualized. And how come I never meet a man like that, wonders the frustrated young female?

I'll tell you why, miss. Because he got cockblocked by your boyfriend the a$$#0le in the Camaro with the hedge fund, or your last boyfriend the pig pitching his comedy pilot after humping your leg on the dance floor. So much for quiet confidence. Confidence cannot be quiet, confidence needs to make a little noise.

 

So OP, your insight is all well and good if you're a stylish, confident, witty and superfit young man with a sexy career and car. For the other 99 percentile, though, a little marketing is more than necessary.

When the market is flooded with guys saying hello with cock pictures, and creeps like this guy, women are just fed up with digging through piles of losers and shut down. They become cold and hostile. And you just want to take them to dinner and have a nice conversation. So now you have to be diplomatic too, and leather skinned when they cut you down verbally for just wanting to talk to them.

And you have to market yourself so when or if they decide to try again, they will try you.

 

Well I don't think if I'm walking down the street and women aren't throwing themselves in front of cars for me that I have to ignore them but really, if the girl isn't crazy about me in about 2-3 weeks time, I'm like "really? you're not getting all this? you don't see it? next."

 

It's not my job to figure out how I can get them to feel wild about me. Either you see it early on or you don't.

[irc333]

Well I don't think if I'm walking down the street and women aren't throwing themselves in front of cars for me that I have to ignore them but really, if the girl isn't crazy about me in about 2-3 weeks time, I'm like "really? you're not getting all this? you don't see it? next."

 

It's not my job to figure out how I can get them to feel wild about me. Either you see it early on or you don't.

 

Yes, like recently, I was able to attract this woman while playing a board game without even trying and quite effortless. Apparently, she was new at getting out of the house and making new friends after all her friends either got married or left the state.

 

I only asked for her number because she hinted around at wanting to stay in touch with me....some how.

 

She said, "Well, it was nice meeting you, perhaps I'll see you around the next Meetup....but is there a way I can find out about future events?"

 

Knowing good and well, she could go to the Meetup site herself and find out, I figured this to be her interest in me asking for her #, so I did...because I picked up on a slight awkward silence on her part...seemingly waiting on me to say something and it wasn't, "Okay, see ya around."

 

But instead I gave her my number.

 

I call her up, and asked if she'd like to do something together outside of Meetup. She seemed pretty excited about it and even offered up suggestions on what she'd like to do this Sat (which is today).

 

She said we could make "tentative" plans for Saturday, but it sounded like a great idea (her tone convinced me of that).

 

Then as the week progressed and now she was saying, "well, not so sure now....I'll let you know of my availaibility"

 

To, "Sorry, can't do it...happy TGIF!"

 

She made no counter offer, so said, "Hey, you mentioned something about having every OTHER Saturday free (she does Volunteer work on alternating Saturdays and mentioned a certain event that happens downtown routinely on Saturdays).

 

"I remember you talking about that event on Saturday, so since you're free that day not volunteering, we could give that a shot, okay?"

 

And left the ball in her court.

 

If she doesn't bit, it means she's a flake or just lost interest in a matter of days and a person like that gets so bored easily, I don't want to kno wthem.

[irc333]

Going back to the OP,

 

With all this talk of, "You need to CREATE attraction" bullcrap. If I have to "create" attraction, I almost equate that to the ability to pull 100 dollar bills out of my butt.

 

The whole "YOu must be able to create attaction" trend was some pick up artist trying to sell his books to people like us. LOL

 

You cannot CREATE attraction, it simply is there or it's not.

 

I do get a kick out of women who say, "He must be able to keep my interest" or "Do you like a challenge?" in their dating profiles

 

And I'm thinking "um...no!"

 

It appears that as men,we must be circus monkeys to appease the already bored audience.

[PlumPrincess]

Yes, like recently, I was able to attract this woman while playing a board game without even trying and quite effortless. Apparently, she was new at getting out of the house and making new friends after all her friends either got married or left the state.

 

I only asked for her number because she hinted around at wanting to stay in touch with me....some how.

 

She said, "Well, it was nice meeting you, perhaps I'll see you around the next Meetup....but is there a way I can find out about future events?"

 

Knowing good and well, she could go to the Meetup site herself and find out, I figured this to be her interest in me asking for her #, so I did...because I picked up on a slight awkward silence on her part...seemingly waiting on me to say something and it wasn't, "Okay, see ya around."

 

But instead I gave her my number.

 

I call her up, and asked if she'd like to do something together outside of Meetup. She seemed pretty excited about it and even offered up suggestions on what she'd like to do this Sat (which is today).

 

She said we could make "tentative" plans for Saturday, but it sounded like a great idea (her tone convinced me of that).

 

Then as the week progressed and now she was saying, "well, not so sure now....I'll let you know of my availaibility"

 

To, "Sorry, can't do it...happy TGIF!"

 

She made no counter offer, so said, "Hey, you mentioned something about having every OTHER Saturday free (she does Volunteer work on alternating Saturdays and mentioned a certain event that happens downtown routinely on Saturdays).

 

"I remember you talking about that event on Saturday, so since you're free that day not volunteering, we could give that a shot, okay?"

 

And left the ball in her court.

 

If she doesn't bit, it means she's a flake or just lost interest in a matter of days and a person like that gets so bored easily, I don't want to kno wthem.

I do not understand how you could interpret her question as a request for your phone number.

 

And when someone says, they will let you know when they have time/are available/are interested in xyz/etc. it means they are fine with the situation. No need to push further. They understand that you are available and interested and they are closing the conversation with that comment. They don't want you to push them with another suggestion, as you did with your comment about this event on Saturday.

[emva07]

i wouldn't say it's "creating" attraction....it's about us being attracted to what you already have to offer.

 

I'm not going to go fake being someone I'm not for a guy because a) he might not like that personality or b) he might like it therefore lose interest when my real persona come out. So yeah....a guy has to like me for me or oh well his loss, I'm a confident woman, I don't take a man's rejection as something personal, he just wasn't into me, that doesn't make me ugly, or boring, etc.

[irc333]

I do not understand how you could interpret her question as a request for your phone number.

 

Actually, I had asked for her phone number, she said she just wanted a way to get in touch with me about future events.

 

 

 

I do not understand how you could interpret her question as a request for your phone number.

 

And when someone says, they will let you know when they have time/are available/are interested in xyz/etc. it means they are fine with the situation. No need to push further. They understand that you are available and interested and they are closing the conversation with that comment. They don't want you to push them with another suggestion, as you did with your comment about this event on Saturday.

 

Well, believe it or not, some women do. Depends on the woman.

 

Anyhow, a personal friend of hers and my friend as well gave me a tip that she was interested in me, so it confirmed my suspicions.

Edited September 28, 2013 by irc333

[Els]

 

Some of you may think that's common knowledge, but I'm surprised at the amount of threads involving people asking for advice on how to seemingly sway someone's opinion of them. You can't force attraction.

 

Correct.

 

Genuine and general self-improvement (not for the purpose of 'marketing') is always beneficial, and a continuous road, though.

[crederer]

I kind of agree to a point but at the same time, you have to present yourself well, highlighting your positive characteristics to show those qualities off. I mean in the end, I guess we're splitting hairs.

 

There are times where I feel like just sleeping for 12 hours and not doing anything but watching football on Sunday's. If I had a date on Sunday, I would be willing to give up the football for a week.

 

If someone saw me just on sunday's they'd probably think I'm just a lazy dude that sleeps all day and watches football all night. Which isn't the case.

[mario_C]

Oh I see... You are one of those "Nice" Guys. You know the ones... They get chewed up, spit out and friendzoned by a ton of girls who use you as an emotional tampon.

 

Sucks in your 20s but it's really for your own good. Consider it training and practice for what happens 30s+.

I'm 45, I do NOT identify as a "nice" person and I have said so in here. Someone's making assumptions up in here.

When you hit your early / mid thirties that is when all that hard work pays off. There will be plenty of women in their late twenties early thirties who are looking to settle with a sucker (I mean "Nice" Guy) who won't mind that she banged 100s of losers and been in emotional / physically / sexually abusive relationships, in debt up to her eyeballs, have a loser Ex husband, screwed up kid who you get to pay for and raise. Not to mention, you get to pay for all those crimes that you didn't commit (she did against herself throughout her 20s).

I don't care if she's had hundreds of men. Maybe the point of being my age is that experience is good? Old enough to know how, young enough to still want to?

And if she's been with losers or been abused, maybe I can be the exact opposite way and show her what it is to be with a real man who appreciates her. Which is NOT the same thing as being punished for things other men did to her and is NOT the same thing as carrying emotional baggage for her.

And no stepkids. Yes, I do have rules, which is why I'm single.

The hot sex, passion, chemistry, desire, etc. you will never see / experience because you will never blow her hair back like all those losers did. Instead you get to be a therapist, life coach, financial adviser, crisis manager, guidance counselor and most important of all... Work mule that she whips / beats until you are bleeding and then whips / beats you some more. Should another loser or better harder working work mule come along... She will rape your ass in court and leave you.

More assumptions about my sex life. I never used a hair dryer, which I'm guessing is what that "blow her hair back" comment is, or you're still practicing your color commentary? But I've seen and experienced "hot sex, passion, chemistry, desire" plenty, and I can't wait to experience it again.

And I'm happy to do all those other things for a woman, provided she does all that for me. I won't dignify the "work mule" rant with commentary, I think I've made my point.

So, thanks for projecting your insecurity and anger and just plain old contempt for women on me. I'll try and check in on your rebuttal, but I have this thing called a life, so we'll see.