New relation & questioning what she wants. Heart at stake.

[roulette31]

About a month ago I started to see and sleep with a girl (22) who I have known for quite a long while. I know in her past she has been like many young girls and drank and made out with friends and has even gone down on a few. I do believe that she has bisexual tendencies. Obviously because of this girl fun, and the fact that most of her past partners (including relationships of 1-2 years)have been men.

 

When we were having sex she gets wet and she orgasms. Quite easily too I might add. There was one time where she just wasnt in the mood but thats even happened to me; we are just humans after all. Our living arrangements can make having sex awkward with roommates and family around. Can be a mood kiler hearing people constantly walking by your door.

 

We have been deeply enamoured and she dropped the first I love you early in the quick fling (it may be only a month but we have a sexually pent up history together from our past). But yesterday she started acting a little distant. I asked whats going on and she told me that she feels that she is uncertain of herself. That she feels she should see whats right for her. She has suggested that the idea of a threesome is a turn on. I asked if the possibility of exploring this with me is a possibility because I do not want to lose this girl. She seemed vaguely interested in that! But we didn't talk about how we could do that.

 

I love her. Id prefer to have her in my life and hopefully just have her realize that girls are just another turn on for her but I am one as well and what she prefers to build a relationship with. Im hoping for an outcome that involves us being together.

 

She says she doesnt want to stop seeing me but perhaps more on a friend basis (This is how we started, ("as friends") as she was kind of in the middle of ending it with her former BF when we started seeing each other.) That she wants to see where she goes but says she doesn't want to make me wait. Where is a middle ground?

 

She has told me in the past she thought she might go that way slightly but after all she realized no, its just sex. How can she have so many boyfriends, formerly realize that it wasnt right before and now question herself again? Why not have left her latest boyfriend and explored? Why go to me and then back off if she's been feeling like this for so long?

 

We took the train together today, she gave me a big kiss on the lips and tells me she would be really upset if I'm not in her life. It is driving me crazy. I just want to kiss her. Call her babe. Give her the moon. Do you believe that this is just a cover and theres something she's not telling me?

 

I know her fairly well and I feel if we go NC she is going to be really interested in me. She told me her best friend disagrees with how she feels and knows that this is just a confusion to her but who knows? She says she needs to know, but this girl holds my heart in her hands and I am a short fall from posting in the coping forums. I had a lot of hope and love going into this relationship based on our pent up past. It seemed that way for her too.

 

Long story short, I dont know how to resume. I truly do not believe she is a full on lesbian nor do I believe she would truly want a romantic relationship with a woman as her romantic history and prior "realization"say otherwise. But who knows?I do feel its her right to find out. I just wish my heart wasn't at stake.

 

Words of wisdom?

[giblesp]

Sounds like she doesn't want a relationship, hence the going quiet and then suggesting a threesome. Girls who suggest a threesome to the man they're seeing, generally aren't looking to go steady.

 

2 options, be just friends and have threesomes if you are happy with that. But make sure that's all you want and don't compromise yourself for 'scraps from the table.'

 

Or, tell her how you feel and what you would like to share with her. If she doesn't feel the same way then back off completely. she will respect you for that, even though she'll probably protest if there is NC, and you will respect yourself. This will also leave you open to meeting the next girl.

 

If you make it clear to life what you want and don't settle for less, you get what you want. But you have to be clear with what you want, and don't settle for less from her or from any girl.

[roulette31]

I just do not want to feel like a guy that made a girl question her sexuality. Seems to be a bit insulting. I just dont know how she can still be confused at this age after spending her romantic life with men and random little make outs drunkenly with girls.

 

She tells me that to do this feels like its going against her grain. But she thinks its better to know once and for all. One would think that if it is against the grain then that answers the question right there. Is she just fabricating this as an excuse to close our relation for now for some other reason?

[giblesp]

It sounds like you want to have a relationship with her where neither of you are seeing other people. Its not a compromise for two people if they feel the same way, it just happens.

 

She said she loves you and you feel that way. Talk to her about it, get some clarity. And if she doesn't want what you want, move on.

[roulette31]

Thanks a lot. I really appreciate the advice. I really feel like this is a cover for something or just severe confusion. I have some gay friends and they could not have been in a relation for years and professing madly that they're in love with an opposite sex person.

 

I know there has been people married with children who finally realize they're gay. But I know this girl; she wouldn't live a lie to herself this far.

[mikei880]

OP. It took my ex wife 33 years to figure out her sexual identity. Based upon my experience your lady is confused. She suggested a threesome so she could experiment without leaving you out. I feel that you need to let her go so she can explore life and sort out her feelings. She may be lying to herself because of "what would others think?" The thing that is confusing to you is that she is outwardly into you. Sexually she is physically getting the reactions you would expect, wetness , increased heart rate and such.... the sexual part to her could be akin to Stockholm syndrome. For her sake she cannot repress her identity. You can have a part in setting her free so to speak. Do not believe if it is fact that she wants to be with another woman that you caused it, THAT'S BS. Someday when she has it figured out she may come back to you, maybe not. You are young, there are many other women out there. Its ok to let go of someone you love because it just won't work. Good luck...

[roulette31]

I am trying to be brave about this. When we had our talk I tried to be so caring and understanding. I told her that I loved her and wanted her to be happy first and foremost whether that was with me or without me. But as I write this I am tearing up because it is just my luck.. This month has been amazing. I felt like I won the lottery because I wanted us together for a long time. And here it happened. I finally had her! We spent every day and every night together for the last 3 weeks (maybe that was wrong to do? too much time?). I love yous were dropped; uttered by her first. "Babe, lets move in together and buy a dog". All stuff said by her.

 

She says she's had these questions for sometime but why wait til you say these things to a person and then decide to gamble his heart over your uncertainty. Something she says feels like its going against the grain..

 

I do not know what to do. I know there other girls out there. But this is one that I had wanted for a while and made my last month the most loving in my life.

 

What could I suggest that we do to explore this but keep me and her on the table as a couple together?

 

She says she will still wants to see me. Do I continue to do this in hopes she will want me or should I not and hope the absence moves her closer. God I did not need this. Not after all that, to get her and then be losing her.

Edited September 28, 2013 by roulette31

[mikei880]

She has to do this on her own. There will never be an "us" until she does and comes to you with a clear conscience... let het go. I feel for you.I know how it is.....

[roulette31]

I just do not know how to keep the lines of communication. Should I let her initiate any and all contact. Do i try and just move on with my life and forget her because I dont think I can do that if I keep talking/seeing her.

[giblesp]

I've been in a similar situation, where I thought I was so in love with this girl and ended up waiting half a year for something to happen which didn't. I passed up on a couple of other good girls in that time.

 

Really reckon you should just lay your cards down, tell her what you wrote here about it being such a special time for you. If she feels the same way, you will know it from her at that point. Nothing stops a woman in love.

 

Remember, she's got to choose you to make it happen.

If she doesn't do that, you have to move on. It will be really tough, but believe me the better and stronger you handle it, the more respect you'll gain from everyone including yourself.

[roulette31]

Thanks a lot. I do want to go with the approach of: "I know you are questioning things. But this is how I felt this whole time. I love you and want you to see you happy but I cannot be just your friend during this time like you say you want us to be".

 

I sort of have already let her know that thats how I feel. She says shes not sure if its me or something else she wants. I feel like if I give her the ultimatum that I am shooting myself in the foot. Like I must give her the space.

 

Maybe I should wait til she asks to see me and then let her know in person that this is how I feel. And that if she wants to see me in the future that I intend to do it as a lover, not a friend and if she cant handle that then we cant see each other?

[roulette31]

bump. I am just so uncertain what to do. I want to give her more time before I put my cards on the table because maybe if I do it too soon she will be pushed away but at the same time I do not want her to drift too far on her own.

 

I am also struggling with thoughts of embarrassment. If she does turn out this way and everyone thinks like "what did he do to her?! what a man he must have been haha".

[mikei880]

Listen, you didn't "turn" her. These things will lay dormant for years in people unsure of their identity. They themselves don't own what they are because of what others think until they finally break through in a sense and embrace it. NO ONE worth listening to will think less of you because SHE decided to change HER life. My coworkers (even females) know my story and none of them think less of me. I would feel worse if she had left me for another guy, then it would be more for me to bear. Do not try to win her back, do not put conditions on a future together. Do not say I need an answer now. Let her figure it out. Its her life that is changing, its on her not you whether she comes to you. You put your best foot forward already, if there is to be a future with her step back, give her space , take the high road. She will respect you for it .

[roulette31]

Just an update. Two nights ago she asked me to come join her and her friend for a drink. So I did. The three of us just talked like we were all just friends. Then her friend leaves and its just us now. I continue acting in this friend angle and she tells me i seem sort of cold tonight.

 

Anyways, it got late and she says its too late to take the train home and a taxi is too expensive. She asks if she can come stay at my house just around the corner. I told her it makes me feel a bit awkward but I let her after she reminds me that I told her before we can hang out and she can crash at my place if need be.

 

We have another drink and return to my place. Both a bit drunk. Jokingly I tell her only naked girls get to sleep in my bed. She complied and crawled in naked playing the little spoon. I tell her its hard to keep my hands off her but Ill do my best to resist to which she replies "I don't mind". We keep laying in spoon position and then she grabs my hand and makes me grab her breasts. We fall asleep.

 

The next morning we took the train and when we go to part ways for the day. I told her that I love her very much, all sides of her and I just want her to be happy and that she knows which way I hope she ends up taking but I respect that she needs clarity.

 

She text me last night saying that I made her tear up with this speech and that she wishs she isn't so confused and could give me more but she needs to find out what she needs. She wants me in her life regardless of outcome.

 

What is with the forced boob grabbing. Why the tears and the holding me in her life? I somewhat believe there is an influence on her in the form of a couple party girls at her work; both straight and with boyfriends but are so open to drunken kissing and touching. "Yeah girl maybe you dont know what you want. you should just say F&*ˆ it and try it".

 

I think its this day and age of über-liberal/open sexuality that causes girls to be so. I have no problem with it in general. It just sucks that I have fallen for a girl with a mind so susceptible to it all.

 

I work with attractive girls. Sounds dickish to say but more so physically attractive than her in an unbiased question but all i want is her. I can't and dont think I will ever feel ready to try a go with someone else. I dont have a strong relationship background and always been a little shy.

 

Sorry for the length but its a drop in the ocean compared to my mind. Thanks for any insight guys and girls.

[roulette31]

Any thought other than that above?

[todreaminblue]

bump. I am just so uncertain what to do. I want to give her more time before I put my cards on the table because maybe if I do it too soon she will be pushed away but at the same time I do not want her to drift too far on her own.

 

I am also struggling with thoughts of embarrassment. If she does turn out this way and everyone thinks like "what did he do to her?! what a man he must have been haha".

 

 

What i know about sexuality is no one can "turn" someone gay...its already in them....a lot of women have had that experimentation....a few makeouts and knew it wasnt them...this may happen to her ....

 

 

 

....you have to let her go her own way you love this woman and you wont be happy unless she is yours and yours alone you will always be insecure she will leave you for the other woman if you have a threesome.......i wish you well...she may come back but i feel you should go no contact and guard your heart until she is certain it is you she wants...because you truly want her....i feel withotu another woman involved....deb

[giblesp]

She has to 'choose' you for it to happen. She hasn't done that yet.

 

Some of what I'm reading here has happened to me. The girl in question didn't know if she wanted or could do a relationship, yet she'd end up in my bed naked. As I said before, I waited a while for the situation to settle but it never did.

 

She never 'chose' to be with me, and eventually she went off with another guy. She denied it, willing to draw it out even longer.

I left her completely, and met someone amazing.

As for her, she's still fooling around with men and still not happy.

 

I'll be direct here, if this girl wanted you like you want her, you'd know it. When a woman wants you, you will know about it believe me.

 

The longer you are in this situation, the more its going to hurt you. I'm sorry to say this, but she might be doing things with other people.

 

You're right when you say that these days of open sexuality cause problems. There are women out there who feel the same way, and are willing to connect on a more profound level.