Girl asks to bring friend along on lunch date? College freshman

[MightyPanda]

We're both college freshmen (moved in last week, class started a few days ago) and I met her on Sunday while we were walking to a school organized social gig welcoming in the freshman class. It was at least a 20 minute walk and we were talking the whole way. After getting to know her a little I was teasing her a bit, and she was laughing/smiling a lot - things seemed promising. On the way I ask if she has a FB and she ends up offering me her cell number instead - I give her my phone to input and she puts her full name in as well (good signs right?). I also got her dorm room number - she's just a floor below me. We haven't met up since (both been really busy), but we have been texting a ton. She usually replies within a matter of minutes.

 

Anyways today I end up asking her if she's up to grab lunch together tomorrow. Over text I know, not preferable, but it's been hard to get ahold of her to meet up in person. She ends up replying asking if her friend can come along too. How should I read this? And what do I reply? It's worth pointing out that I didn't say the word "date," she may think it's just a hangout? I've done some Googling and I've read theories ranging from she wants her friend there to scout/get an opinion of me to her having a friend there to prevent things from getting awkward to the more obvious theory of she's not interested and wants to friendzone me. I'm having a tough time reading this - all of them seem equally possible. We have met in person just once so maybe she's not comfortable being alone with me yet (not sure what kind of experience she has had with guys - she went to an international school overseas), but at the same time I feel it's possible she may have naturally lost a little interest since Sunday (we have been texting a lot - but if it's just texting and no meeting I don't think that's good either).

 

So in close, how should I read this? Positively or negatively, any more theories? And what/how do I respond? I was thinking of replying something along the lines of "You're gonna make me pick up the tab for all 3 of us!?" in a sarcastic manner - in hopes that'll make it clearer it was intended to be a one-on-one date, but it very well may end up coming off badly. Should I just be direct with her instead? And if it does end up happening, will I be expected to pick up the bill? Thanks in advance!

Edited September 27, 2013 by MightyPanda

[coolheadal]

Why don't you bring a guy friend with you? This way the 4 of you can go dutch. You just met this girl and done some heavy text talking. Give this some time. Don't read too much into things. So is she bringing a girl or guy friend with her? This should text her to see? Again whatever happens I do recommend you going anyway you need to get to know her more.

 

When you do go sit next to her and talk to her more than just text talk. Keep and open mind also. This you IN THE NOW! Your intent is to see if you and this girl can be more than friends one day. I say one day because you need to develop something which you don't have yet with her. Still in the early stages!

 

But keep us here inform on your progress. I wish you the best of luck!

[MrCastle]

Yeah it's too early to tell. Like you said, you've only met once, so. Maybe she's not comfotable yet.

 

You won't know until you go and feel her out. See what kind of vibes she's giving out.

 

Just go in it with the mindset you're there to have fun and take it from there.

[ThomasD]

Sounds generally positive to me.

 

Don't jump to conclusions. The first few days at a new situation - new school, new job, new house, etc - can produce anxiety in most and even fear in some people. If I had to guess, she wants the friend along just for support. Second guess - your girl is trying to be sociable and befriend another new student, who seems to be even more anxious, overwhelmed, etc than your girl.

 

It's doubtful that your girl, in just a few days at school, has formed the kind of bond with anybody (guy or girl) that she would ask that new friend to give an assessment of you. And if she wasn't at all interested in you, she would have declined the invitation - not imposed on a friend to come along with her.

 

I think the idea of your asking to also bring a friend is great. Just grab anybody from your dorm floor or a class. That makes it the "Let's go Dutch!" suggestion even more acceptable and avoids creating any sense of future obligation for any of you.

 

Relax and enjoy the experience!

 

(When I first started as grad student at a new university, I lived in an upscale dorm they called "Graduate House". Our cafeteria wasn't very large and often crowded. I was often in a position to ask permission to join a table - or have others ask to join me. The request was rarely denied. If there was an empty seat or two at a table, it was common for somebody at the table to recognize somebody coming through the food line - a classmate, friend from the same floor, etc - and wave them over. This turned out to be a way to get acquainted with both other guys and girls. I don't recall any romantic pairings that started from this, though I met one girl I definitely would have dated except that we both were on the verge of becoming engaged to others.)

[MightyPanda]

You just met this girl and done some heavy text talking.

Is heavy text talking a cardinal sin or something? Like I said we've been busy, so I figured texting would be better than nothing.

 

I can hold conversations and socialize quite well imo - but otherwise I'm an amateur at all of this - I never gave dating a thought in HS and I didn't get a cell until this past summer (parents sheltered me hard). So I may ask some dumb questions here haha.

 

Also, how should I dress? If it was just us two, I probably would've gone with a buttondown, sweater, khakis, and parted my hair to the side. But now that it's really just a hangout, do I dress down a little more? And lastly, any thoughts on how the bill should be handled?

[Phoe]

Also, how should I dress? If it was just us two, I probably would've gone with a buttondown, sweater, khakis, and parted my hair to the side. But now that it's really just a hangout, do I dress down a little more? And lastly, any thoughts on how the bill should be handled?

 

I personally think you should dress it down a bit regardless of who is gonna be there.

 

 

you're 2 college kids meeting up. don't be so stiff about it. dress casual.

[MightyPanda]

I personally think you should dress it down a bit regardless of who is gonna be there.

 

 

you're 2 college kids meeting up. don't be so stiff about it. dress casual.

It's worth adding that I almost always dress a bit more formal than most college students (minus the button down and gelled hair). But yeah you're right, I'm not sure how it'd look if I dressed up and they had everyday jeans on or something lol.

[MightyPanda]

Alrighty so I ended up following your guy's advice and invited my friend along. He's a cool guy and good socially - he saved us from one or two awkward silences lol. We ended up going dutch with the bill.

 

My friend told me he thought they had a pretty good time - and the practical side of me agrees with that - but I have a tendency to expect too much (out of a lot of things), so I can't help but be a little disappointed we weren't able to connect one-on-one. We had some nice conversations getting to know each other as a group though.

 

But my problem now is I'm not sure where to take it from here. Again we didn't get to connect one-on-one so I'm not sure if she'd be any more comfortable being alone with me as she would've been before lunch. I asked a different friend and he said my next step is to get her up in my room. Problem with that is I've tried asking what she's up to or if she's back at our dorm a few times now over text - and since we're both so busy we haven't been able to meet up casually at our dorm. If she really is still a little uncomfortable about things - and I keep pressing her to come up, I fear I'll come off too desperate and that'll drive her away.

 

Right now I'm thinking my friend was right in that she's just looking to build friends and wasn't expecting a guy to start chasing her so soon. Since her intentions seem to be more about creating a social circle - I'm not too worried about slowing down a bit and trying to befriend her first. The friend I brought is actually my roommate, so that's another good thing - at least in regards to her comfort of coming up to our room. She actually asked for the second time (she's asked before over text) where our room was. I'll take that as a good sign and because of that, I'll give her a little more space and wait to see if she makes any move. Would you guys agree with this approach or should I be more direct and continue to pursue (I read that girls like persistence, but I don't see that doing me much good here)?

[MrCastle]

Alrighty so I ended up following your guy's advice and invited my friend along. He's a cool guy and good socially - he saved us from one or two awkward silences lol. We ended up going dutch with the bill.

 

My friend told me he thought they had a pretty good time - and the practical side of me agrees with that - but I have a tendency to expect too much (out of a lot of things), so I can't help but be a little disappointed we weren't able to connect one-on-one. We had some nice conversations getting to know each other as a group though.

 

But my problem now is I'm not sure where to take it from here. Again we didn't get to connect one-on-one so I'm not sure if she'd be any more comfortable being alone with me as she would've been before lunch. I asked a different friend and he said my next step is to get her up in my room. Problem with that is I've tried asking what she's up to or if she's back at our dorm a few times now over text - and since we're both so busy we haven't been able to meet up casually at our dorm. If she really is still a little uncomfortable about things - and I keep pressing her to come up, I fear I'll come off too desperate and that'll drive her away.

 

Right now I'm thinking my friend was right in that she's just looking to build friends and wasn't expecting a guy to start chasing her so soon. Since her intentions seem to be more about creating a social circle - I'm not too worried about slowing down a bit and trying to befriend her first. The friend I brought is actually my roommate, so that's another good thing - at least in regards to her comfort of coming up to our room. She actually asked for the second time (she's asked before over text) where our room was. I'll take that as a good sign and because of that, I'll give her a little more space and wait to see if she makes any move. Would you guys agree with this approach or should I be more direct and continue to pursue (I read that girls like persistence, but I don't see that doing me much good here)?

 

Alright, let me say something here.

 

There is a small percentage of men out there that could have banged this girl over the weekend without this 2 on 2 friend date or whatever it is.

 

That's not an insult to you, or your game. It's just reality. If she was over the moon in lust with you, you wouldn't have to establish this comfort zone first. You would invite her up to your room at night for a "movie," you both know what "movie" means, she agrees, and if not full out sex, you get a make out and/or oral/fingering.

 

Just because she is not in immediate lust doesn't mean you can't work on it until you bring her to that point. This can be a slow burn. If you manage to stay out of the friend zone -- and by that I mean, do not give her dating advice, do not compliment her ad nauseam, don't be at her beck and call, throw in sexual innuendo in your conversations to let her know you see her in a sexual way -- you can very much turn this into a hook up or something more depending on what the two of you feel most comfortable with.

 

Just because you didn't get everything you wanted from the get go doesn't mean it's a lost cause. Some guys are going to have an easier time for a variety of reasons. The bulk of men need to put a little more effort into getting there.

 

Stick with this, but no more 2-on-2s or 2-on-1s. You and her hanging out. That's it. If she can't even give you that going forward, she never saw you as a potential.

[TB Rhine]

Friendzoned.

[MightyPanda]

Friendzoned.

Can you provide some reasoning so I can better understand what your perspective is..?