k0radm01 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Hello there, My boyfriend and I are moving in together this weekend after 15months together. We are in our 30's and both of us want the same things in life(love, marriage, a family) so I know we are ready for the nextstep. The problem is that our communication is not where it needs to be and wehave a past relationship issue that we can’t seem to resolve. He and I were friends for several years before we got together. Iwas in another relationship at the time, but he hooked up with one of mybest friends a couple times. I knew that it was just a drunkhook up and neither of them were actually interested in each other. Ittook a while (and a lot of convincing from him) for me to decide that I couldget over it. I was very hesitant because I know myself, and I frankly didn'twant to see one of my best friends and have the thought "you slept with myboyfriend" go through my head and it does. But, I decided that I hadto give this relationship a shot because everyone has a past and all thatmatters is that he wants a future with me. Then in the first 6 months of our relationship I slowly foundout that he was rather promiscuous before we were together...itreally shocked me because I didn't think he was like that. The worst partis that several of these women are in our group of friends. One of his "bestfriends" is a girl he had a fling with and I actually didn’t care for her atall BEFORE we got together. Now I have to be around her and her boyfriend more thanI would like. I am not friends with my ex’s because I feel awkward and it just doesn’twork for me. I wouldn’t have dated him had I known about any of these women andI think he knew that…we’ve talked many times about it and hewill only tell me the main people I had suspicions about. He isreluctant to tell me about the others because he says, “Baby, it's all in thepast and I made a lot of mistakes. I’m with you, very happy and I don’t want toruin your relationships with these women because it doesn't matter.” I hear whathe is saying but it does matter to me because I feel like I don’t have thewhole story. I don’t want to be around girls that have slept with my boyfriendthat I don’t know about. Should I press him for this information or leave it inthe past? Thanks for any advice.
darkmoon Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) leave all this in the past - but sorry, your future is at best only halfway to being organised - an engagement ring, please, and no excuses "we are in our 30's and both of us want the same things in life(love, marriage, a family)" so why isn't he at least setting a engagement date and buying you a ring? do not move in with him, until he has taken a step or two if he is as serious as you say, he should be keen to set your mind at rest, keen to because he actually does want "love marriage and a family" not just a sexy flat-share with you, with his exes floating around his life, until he buys a ring, engagement/marriage is a daydream in your head only Edited September 27, 2013 by darkmoon 3
nescafe1982 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Yes, OP> Just how clear is it that you guys want the same things in life? I would ask you to elaborate on this point a little bit. What makes you think moving in together is a step on the road to marriage, children, etc? Have you discussed it? Has he proposed? Give some examples. As for the past stuff: if he's not promiscuous now, and the friendships with exes are platonic, not at all sketchy, and most importantly DISTANT, then you may just need to work through your feelings of jealousy. If, by contrast, he has female friendships which cross those boundaries, then you will need to set those boundaries with him before you move in together. BEFORE. Not after. This is important because (even though the logic I'm about to present is faulty and fallacious) he might accuse you of being unfair to him about his female friends "because you were okay with it before we moved in!" But tell us about this one female friend in particular. What do they do together? Are you friends with her? Does he confide in her emotionally? Does he talk about you to her? Are the three of you hanging out together? If they hang out solo, what time of day? How many people in common to they hang out with, etc? These are very important details and determine the appropriateness of this friendship. You might get better advice here if you are explicit about how close you BF is to this woman.
coolheadal Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Move in and see how it goes, but you been with him for 15 months so your ready for living together part. Most guys and gals today not even ready for the full commitment which goes with marriage. I still stay you need to live for a few years and see how you to do. Forget about ex relations those are in the past and not in THE NOW! Focus on your intent with this relationship to be a positive one. Relationships takes time to work out, nobody is 100% perfect and couples need to know this first off the bat. Play house and being a couple and take things with a grain of salt. Don't rush into anything. Communication is your best friend here. Also give each other space too. Don't crowd over each other. Do try to cook full dinner meals more than going out to clubs/bars the first couple of weeks. Order in a Pizza or etc. Make this work! But leave or prior baggage relationships out of this picture. Not going to help you stay on the intent if you do.
Arabella Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 People here are going to tell you that you should just get over it because it's in the past, bla bla bla... You have every right to be bothered by his promiscuity. The reasons you have are perfectly valid, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. A person's values/morals around sex and relationships is a big part of who they are. It's NOT just his past... it's also a factor in your compatibility together and therefore, too important to be ignored. However, you need to make a decision. If this bothers you so much, you need to consider ending the relationship. If you decide to continue the relationship, then you need to put it behind you and move forward. Either way, you should not move in together until you make a decision. 2
FitChick Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 If you decide to stay, find and cultivate new couples as friends outside of his group and maybe you can gradually drift away from them. I agree with the above posters who said you should have had an engagement ring before moving in with him. He may want marriage and family but not necessarily now nor with you. Years could pass before you find that out. 2
giblesp Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 The reality is if there is no problem between you in the present, then there is no problem. You've got a case of retroactive jealousy. I can completely understand how you feel. But if there is no problem now, then there is no problem. Do bear in mind you were with someone while he was doing this. He could say to you, in the past while he was laying their by himself on his lonesome, you were tucked up with another man. This type of jealousy has no boundaries. You'd probably be jealous of any past experience he's had, even if was considerably less experience than yours. Its all in your mind. If you love him, you love him. In the meantime, if you'd rather not see these girls right now, then just explain to him you feel that way, that nothing is wrong and you've just got your stuff to deal with. Tell him you just want him in the here and now, with nothing to do with he past in any way and form. A fresh start for you both without the baggage of the past.
heartshaped Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Personally, I just couldn't be with someone who was promiscuous in the past and hid it from me until after we were together. He's also still friends with a good deal of these women from the sounds of it and he also slept with one of your good friends... I think it's important that the two of you are on more stable ground before moving in together. The fact that you're nervous about it only makes me feel more like you shouldn't. I think the past is best left in the past, but I also think you need to decide whether this is something you could live with in the long term.
Recommended Posts