the love of my life that I pushed away for no reason

[cormis23]

Listen mystory is a little weird. I'm 27 years old I live with my 23 year old girlfriend we've been seeing each other for over 4 years I've known her for around 8. We have on off dated when she was under 18 her mother tried to get me put awayher and I stop talking until she was 18. Her and I started our actual relationship when she was 18 it's been going on for around four years. Recently the past 4 months I am starting to become more and more depressed with where I am in life. The love her and I have or had for each other was like a fairytaleshe's the best woman I've ever met in my life she would love me unconditionally but I was so depressed was where I was what job I had how I hadn't done anything with my life yet that I pushed her away. She had no idea that I was depressed I was brought up to believe a man supports his girlfriend or wife and I couldn't do that the time I held in my depression I didn't talk to her about itand I broke up with her because somewhere in my twisted mind I thought she'd be better off without me. She begs for weeks trying to get me back and I just kept thinking further and further into my depression I acted like a jerk I made her feel unloved unwanted she thought of the person that she loves more than anything didn't love her at all. I finally came to grips with myself in look back and realize I had made a grave mistake. This woman is everything to me instead of pushing her away actually opened up and told her. I clearly explain myself to her telling her I want her back I made a mistake, apologize sincerely since things I've done, showed her throat the past month and a half that I love her and that I I'm genuinely sorry for what I've done, I've tried to show her that I will never do it again. She finally told me the other day that she's just not in love with me anymore. Or more so that she's just not sure. Her and I live together and we get along fine that good actually, but she says that she needs to be alone, and that she's move out. She says that more than likely after a few months she will want me back, but this woman would have done anything for meshe loves me unconditionally fully passionatly. I don't know what to do I'm so upset and sad and I've always been a strong guy, I was always the leader in our relationship and I almost wonder if my vulnerability is something that is turning her off of me. I don't know what to do this is the woman that I intend to marry I know I will never hurt her again I know I'll never lie to you again our relationship is unlike anything anybody I know has ever heard of experienced true love. But I fear that my depression in my actions I had caused may have pushed it too far away. Help me please, any suggestions help

[lylat333]

First of all break up longer posts into paragraphs so they're easier to read.

 

That is a really tough situation. Hopefully you will get some more opinions than just mine, but I will try to share my wisdom. Just a couple of months ago I went through something along the same lines.. feeling I was losing someone I realized I love so much but I feel I pushed her away at the end by getting emotional and trying to fight for us. These are delicate times.

 

I do think weakness will be a turnoff for her. You want nothing more than to tell her how sorry you are and how much she means to you, but the more you try to show it, the weaker you will be to her. Try to stay calm and collected. She knows you are hurting, and knows how you feel about the situation. Do not beg or plead anymore from here on out... it will only drive her further away.

 

She said herself more than likely after a few months she will want you back. Maybe she really believes this, maybe she doesn't. This place is all about NC (no contact) and it's what I recommend especially after she moves out. In order for reconciliation to take place she must first see what life is truly like without you and then make the decision on her own to come back. The wisdom I read and take to heart is, "We can't guarantee our ex will miss us. We can only guarantee they won't miss us by staying in contact."

 

If she does end up moving out, be forewarned she probably won't have a change of heart overnight. It could take weeks, or months, or it may not be meant to be. She may leave, start to miss you... and then throw out what we call "breadcrumbs"... reaching out to you a little basically to ease her and see if you're still there. Don't bite, or she will be gone as soon as she came. Stay strong, leave her be until she truly wants to be with you again and makes it very clear.

 

It's normal to fight for someone only to push them away... so don't beat yourself up over it too much. The time apart will also be a good time for you to evolve and be a better person for the future. Also remember she is not on the same emotional page as you right now - when someone gets to the point they desire to move out they are really falling off the radar... it doesn't matter what you want to say or how you say it, she won't be receptive so don't drive yourself crazy thinking of what you can do to snap her out of it. The sooner you can get a hold of yourself and accept the direction things are going, the better it will be for you, I promise. Ironically, the scariest thing to her will be you being OK w/ the breakup. If she can't feed off of your emotions it will make her decisions more difficult and she will be more likely to second-guess them. She expects you to beg but all it does is boost her ego and give her more power to do whatever she wants and leave you. Wish you two the best.

[cormis23]

Thank you for your input. I will try breaking up my thoughts into smaller paragraphs, its tough since I'm doing this on my phone.

 

It's an incredibly tough situation because we both knew for so long that we belonged together. I hated myself for how little I have accomplished in life and I took it out on her. I Todd her I didn't love her anymore, when I knew that I did. I felt like I couldn't do anything and I wanted more for her, when all she wanted was to be there for me. I told her that she needed to leave, I would go out with friends for days. I was truly a jerk to her and for what? Because I was insecure about my status in life. Ugh it kills me to think about it, and by the time I realized my mistake she had been through so much pain that she let go of her love for me.

 

The thing is, since we live together we do everything together still. Sex has stopped but we still tell each other we love each other, text during the day, have dinner together, watch tv and go for walks together. I can see it in her eyes sometimes that she is still in love with me, she'll run up to me and hug me and jump her legs around my waist and ilook into her eyes and I can see she wants to kiss me. Sometimes we do kiss, just a peck or two, no making our.

 

I don't know, I ramble a lot And I apologize. I just love her dearly and thus experience has already taught me that if I have any issues to be honest and open from the start, and she'll support me. I just fear I've done too much damage already.

 

Thanks again for the input!

[r321148]

I see little chance in this working unless you work on yourself first. She is probably right and you 2 shouldn't be in a relationship at the moment.

By depression do you mean depression or are you just unhappy about your current situation? If you think you are suffering with depression then don't neglect your mental health and seek some help if you need it.

 

You say

 

"I hated myself for how little I have accomplished in life".

 

Is this still true? Have you done anything about it?

I think this is where you need to start on this one as it's not an issue that will just go away. You need to be happy with yourself first or else this issue will happen again and again. Either you'll push her away again or she'll sense that you aren't happy and that will bring her down too. Whichever way it won't work. You can't rely on someone else as your only source of happiness.

 

I think this break will do you a lot of good whether the end result is you getting back together or not. You have made your "mistake" and pushed her away. Now all you can do is give her the time and space that she has asked you for. Respect what she wants, if you really love her then you should want whats best for her too and if that's space from you for a while then you need to be ok with this. Use the time to work on your own issues, improve yourself. This will make you feel better and then if/when she is ever ready to come back you will be in a much stronger position to start a new relationship with her.

Good luck

[cormis23]

I would say that maybe not clinically depressed I was just having a early life crisis? I mean I know I'm young still But I am 27 working a minimum wage job. I also came from a very successful high school, ten year reunion is coming up and I looked at everybody from my class and saw how much they have done and it made me hate livesmyself for being lazy for so long.

 

I'm a very intelligent guy. Not trying to sound pompous but I know I can do more with my life. To answer your question I have started looking at New jobs and furthering my education since this all happened. I'm not doing this for her either, I need to be happier with my life before I know I can give her everything she deserves. The problem I keep coming to is that I know if I didn't act like an ******* to her for that month or so that we could've furthered our lives together.

 

It is hard for me to let go of her, especially since we are still living together. I have a feeling she will be moving out in about a month So we shall see how things go then. But for me she was exactly what I could have ever dreamed for. Intelligent, beautiful, funny, sexy, classy, not a promiscuous girl, honest, dedicated, loves video games, she is just everything I could ever imagine my partner being.

 

I think a big problem is she has never had guys pining after her before so I get scared that since I'm all she's known that some guy will come along and sweep her away. It sounds silly I know. I'm just so confused and hurt.

 

To a positive note though I have told her that I will give her the time she needs and from reading other posts on here I think I'm going to go LC for a while. Let her initiate conversations, text messages, etc.

 

The most confusing part about it all is that while she tells me she needs time and isn't sure about us she still sleeps with me (no sex), cuddling, hugging, occasional kissing, tells me she lives me, tells me that she still physically wants me but won't let herself do that. We still do everything together for the time being, cooking, tv, walks, video games, movies etc. It's just a lot of mixed messages.

 

I'm loving this forum. Just being able to read and talk to others about similar situations has helped my clarity about what to expect and things to avoid.

 

One last thing. She did say to me today after I told her I'd back of and give her her space. She said "you know once I settle myself, as long as you still want me I will give us another shot"

 

How do I interpret that? Thanks again!

[Polak]

Let me start off by saying, Cormis, that it is excellent to have the mindset you have, where you are now willing to do anything possible to overcome/reverse the damage you've done. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful things in the world, especially if it comes from your true love, as you know.

 

I will also agree with Lylat 100%. That's some good **** right there. And I mean that in a very approving way. Lylat's advice is perfect for your situation, in my humble opinion. I myself have been on the receiving end of a breakup with the love of my life, and although I don't consider her that anymore, I did for the longest time. I also had some depression about status and life goals, and there is still some uncertainty inside me, however small. But I'm willing to change and look always ahead, for the next opportunity. Part of that is gaining wisdom from this forum and slowly becoming a better person with my thoughts and decisions in order to someday gain a love with someone that I really desire. Might I add, you're lucky that she still does a majority of things with you that she used to do. So don't give up, she isn't completely out of your life yet. You can turn things around to where they should be.

 

I have read this forum for months before finally registering, and I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. I love the intelligence, wisdom, and friendliness of everyone here. Everyone wants to help out, and I certainly want to do my part. Keep us posted on how things turn out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

[AnyaNova]

I'm rooting for you. Wishing my ex would be like you.

 

I hope it works out for you. And next time, don't self destructively push her out of your life for no reason!