imbetteroff Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I'm more lonely now than before I exposed the affair. Hubby says he wants to work things out, but spends most of his free time with the kids and his church friends. I have 3-4 days off every week and nothing to do, no one to talk to. He is starting to freak me out, he is so involved with church to a point that I think its crazy. He texted me yesterday "God bless you" huh? Why would you text me that? Did I just give you some spare change or what? He told me that I have to "love God to be happy, it's the only way" Umm, I do love and believe in God, but God is not going to solve our problems, we have to work on our relationship, God is not going to fix it. He will help but we have to do all the work. I told him that I feel even more lonely now than before, his reply "Go find love then" He is acting so immature and weird, I'm afraid he is going to snap one of these days. I don't think our marriage is going to work, it's just a matter of time.
Quiet Storm Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 You are looking to others to be responsible for your happiness & boredom. It sounds like you never learned to self soothe, and expect others to do that for you. I have 3-4 days off every week and nothing to do, no one to talk to. Find things to do. Hobbies, activities, friends, volunteer, exercise, etc. Your husband is probably bored with the marriage, as well, but he spends his time doing positive things: Kids, faith, friends. Tell your husband that you need more time with him. You should have alone time together and you should also go to counseling. However, be sure that you are not looking to husband for entertainment. Work on finding constructive ways to occupy your free time. 3
Author imbetteroff Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I have told him that we need to spend time together. He took me out to see"unstoppable" Tuesday night. I did not want to go see it but agreed to because he said it was important to him. I went out with one of my girl friends last month and he was freaking out, he makes me feel guilty for it. Also, whenever I go anywhere he always says that I avoid him and don't want to spend time with him, but when I'm home he just takes off. Who is avoiding who? I do know how to self soothe and keep myself entertained, but since I exposed the affair he expects me to have a clear schedule so I can go do things with him, yet he doesn't take me anywhere. That's why I'm lonely, he doesn't want me to go out, and won't spend time with me.
ladydesigner Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 You are looking to others to be responsible for your happiness & boredom. It sounds like you never learned to self soothe, and expect others to do that for you. Find things to do. Hobbies, activities, friends, volunteer, exercise, etc. Your husband is probably bored with the marriage, as well, but he spends his time doing positive things: Kids, faith, friends. Tell your husband that you need more time with him. You should have alone time together and you should also go to counseling. However, be sure that you are not looking to husband for entertainment. Work on finding constructive ways to occupy your free time. This is spot on. Exactly why my WH had his A's. You cannot look to another for your own happiness you have to create it for yourself (((imbetteroff))). Have you been to an IC? I think it would be helpful to discuss with your own counselor, not a MC. I too have issues with self-soothing. I have turned to drinking, drugs, sex, and cutting to soothe. It has taken a lot of therapy and inpatient visits for me to start getting healthier. 3
ladydesigner Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I have told him that we need to spend time together. He took me out to see"unstoppable" Tuesday night. I did not want to go see it but agreed to because he said it was important to him. I went out with one of my girl friends last month and he was freaking out, he makes me feel guilty for it. Also, whenever I go anywhere he always says that I avoid him and don't want to spend time with him, but when I'm home he just takes off. Who is avoiding who? I do know how to self soothe and keep myself entertained, but since I exposed the affair he expects me to have a clear schedule so I can go do things with him, yet he doesn't take me anywhere. That's why I'm lonely, he doesn't want me to go out, and won't spend time with me. Are you the WS? If so, going out with girlfriends in the beginning is probably going to be tough for your H. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him you would like to spend more time with him to reconnect. Schedule date nights and do it once a week. The date nights saved us. Also my WH would take me to Starbucks every morning for a while to just chit chat.
Quiet Storm Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Your husband knows that you aren't trustworthy, so that's why he is doing that. You can't cheat on someone and then expect them to trust you. That's not realistic. Reconciliation is hard work. If you want your marriage to work, you will have to make sacrifices. Your husband may feel that you are not worthy of his attention. This is why you need counseling. You need a counselor to guide you both through this. You are both stuck in your own heads, worrying about your own needs. 1
ladydesigner Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Are you the WS? If so, going out with girlfriends in the beginning is probably going to be tough for your H. I would sit down and talk to him and tell him you would like to spend more time with him to reconnect. Schedule date nights and do it once a week. The date nights saved us. Also my WH would take me to Starbucks every morning for a while to just chit chat. Just realized which forum. Ignore the bolded please
Author imbetteroff Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 We talked and he wants a divorce, I agree, it's probably for the best.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Sometimes it is for the best. Either, the marriage was highly dysfunctional to begin with, lack of true R (either party), or it was simply a dealbreaker.
peaksandvalleys Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Yes, it sounds like it might be considering he is standing at the edge of instability. A lot of mental disorders present with a fascination/obsession with gods or powers or religion. I would be VERY careful around him as his behaviors sound very odd. I don't know how old you both are, but Schizophrenia often shows up in early to mid 20s (up to late 20s even) and sometimes it simply takes a hard situation (your affair?) to sort of trigger the decline into that illness. I would also be aware of his behaviors with your children, just to make sure that your husband isn't being inappropriate with them (scaring them about god and sin and such, depending on how old they are?) Just something in the behaviors you have shared here makes me think something is off with him. As far as divorce, again, I think you are right also because he sounds like he is really paranoid and controlling - expecting you not to go out yet not wanting to be around you. He is avoiding and is probably passive aggressive -which probably contributed to your marital issues in the first place (guessing, but probably). Passive aggressive people are really difficult to have relationships with, and it seems that a LOT of BSs are Passive Agressive. I think it gives them a way to avoid the relationship without doing anything blatant (like an affair) that anyone can "point fingers at" - allows them to keep their good guy image and then when the WS does come to their wit's end and seek whatever elsewhere, the Passive Aggressive BS can smugly enstate that they were "NEVER" abusive to their WS because look, I NEVER said anything mean! I didn't have an affair! (yes, I know it's twisted, but I see it happen again and again). I will say this - divorcing my exH was the absolute best decision I've ever made in my life. I regretted it for like a split second, because I really regretted that I had failed at marriage - BUT - since that passed, not a day has gone by that I haven't honestly been THANKFUL that I am not married to him any more. He isn't a terrible person, but we were terrible together - and much better off apart. Good luck and I look forward to your updates, to see how it progresses. I do agree it might be best if you divorce(I am also going to file). I don't believe the bolded is true in this case at all. I think he has turned toward his faith to help him deal with you in a way that reflects that faith. Probably why you got the texts you did. If he has talked to his minister about the situation he probably has advised him to treat you the exact opposite of how he really feels he should treat you. That might look out of character or strange to those who do not believe the same things your husband does.
Author imbetteroff Posted September 29, 2013 Author Posted September 29, 2013 My husband is 41, I am 39. He told me yesterday that he wants this divorce done ASAP. Today he texted me that he doesn't want to rush anything and he apologized for my loneliness. And just now I got this text: "Cuddle with me when you get home. The thought of being alone is starting to creep me out." ( I work 12 hr night shifts.) We haven't even been apart for one day and he is getting scared already? Sigh! I still have feelings for him and know that in time I will fall in love with him again, but he expects me to pretend that everything is ok and is not. I know he is hurting, but I want him to express that, don't try to pretend I didn't have an affair, don't try to pretend that we don't have problems; we do!! I want us to figure out why I cheated, (no, it wasn't the sex) and work on our relationship. I'm not worried about the whole religion stuff, but it is starting to annoy me. i do believe that is how he is dealing with the pain. And no, he is not schizophrenic or suffer from any mental illness, probably just stress cause by my affair:(
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 It isn't up to your husband to figure out why you had an affair, that is yours to own. Working on marriage issues, both of you need to be present. You need to separate the two.
Author imbetteroff Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Thank you all for the great advice, it has truly helped me realize how deeply I've hurt my husband. I need to stop being selfish and help him heal. As soon as B&N opens up I'm going to buy a couple books on affairs and relationships.
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