boberts27 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I started hanging out with a girl a couple of months ago. This girl just got out of a 10 year relationship 3 months prior and was just looking for friends (on Tinder no less). We've been hanging out quite a bit lately and have gotten to know one another pretty well. About a month ago we hooked up, but she was freaked out because she said that she wasn't the type of girl who does that kind of thing. Shortly after this happened, she said she didn't want to see me anymore. A week passed without contact and I decided to text her - she replied and we soon started hanging out again. My feelings for her have been growing stronger as I continue to discover more about her. I'm normally quite a private individual, but for some reason I immediately felt very comfortable with this girl and have been able to open up to her. I've told her about how I feel and she states that she isn't looking for a relationship, despite the fact that I would like one - at least I think I do. I can certainly understand her hesitation for not wanting to commit, given that she just exited a long-term relationship. So, I am very confused as to whether I should continue to hang out with her or not. Do I stay all in with the hopes of something more blooming over time or do I live with the regret of what could have been? This girl is everything that I could ever have hoped for in a companion: she has the brains, a great sense of humor, is into many of the same things I am, and is very attractive. Prior to meeting her, I had become a serial dater and have not found anyone close to what this girl has to offer. I hope someone can give me some advice from experience or, as much as I don't want to hear it, knock some sense into me. Thanks.
coolheadal Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) Well she told you she was in a 10 year relationship and that's a very long-time to be with one guy and never even thought about marrying him or did she? Now she out it and here you come along. But you now want here to be serious with you as boy friend and girl friend. She told you no she wasn't ready for this so soon. So now your wondering what you should do. First you stay friends with this girl no matter what. Second the choice is yours. 1. Stay friends 2. Friend Zone 3. Wait it out 4. Move on, but keep her as a friend only (friend zone) The reason why friend zone is that fact she was in a very long-term relationship even though that might have ended she might go back to that guy. Just don't know what goes in their heads? Either you wait and be very patient or again just more on. She's not even ready for anything with you. Sure you'll go out with you but no commitment from her now in any sort of relationship. Might take her 3 months, 6 months a year or more. Or it may never happen and yes this can turn into that too! But give her space and let her come around to you. If you keep pushing it your going to push her away. Sure you might be everything you dreamed in girl to be with but she has some baggage also and some thinking and getting herself and life issues back on the straight and narrow this doesn't happen quickly. This is different for everyone. Right now what you have with her: IS UP IN THE AIR! Edited September 27, 2013 by coolheadal
Author boberts27 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Well she told you she was in a 10 year relationship and that's a very long-time to be with one guy and never even thought about marrying him or did she? Now she out it and here you come along. But you now want here to be serious with you as boy friend and girl friend. She told you no she wasn't ready for this so soon. So now your wondering what you should do. First you stay friends with this girl no matter what. Second the choice is yours. 1. Stay friends 2. Friend Zone 3. Wait it out 4. Move on, but keep her as a friend only (friend zone) The reason why friend zone is that fact she was in a very long-term relationship even though that might have ended she might go back to that guy. Just don't know what goes in their heads? Either you wait and be very patient or again just more on. She's not even ready for anything with you. Sure you'll go out with you but no commitment from her now in any sort of relationship. Might take her 3 months, 6 months a year or more. Or it may never happen and yes this can turn into that too! But give her space and let her come around to you. If you keep pushing it your going to push her away. Sure you might be everything you dreamed in girl to be with but she has some baggage also and some thinking and getting herself and life issues back on the straight and narrow this doesn't happen quickly. This is different for everyone. Right now what you have with her: IS UP IN THE AIR! I think my selfishness of wanting to be in a relationship is causing me to overlook what she has and is going through. You are right, I need to take this into consideration more and try to put myself in her shoes. I also feel that I might be pushing this issue on her too much, as I have brought up how I feel about her and what we should do a couple of times in the past week or two. We hang out on an almost daily basis where we watch movies and hold hands and cuddle. I think that this type of intimate behavior is causing these mixed emotions and confusion within me. My fear of hanging out with her less is that she will lose interest in me and possibly find someone else to do these things with. This is probably all insecurity on my part. Like I said, I've dated quite a bit over the past few months and haven't been able to find anyone who even approaches her caliber on any level. The fear inside of me of losing her because of my selfishness or inability to contain myself is very strong and is not something that I want to subject myself to. I am just so confused, as I have never been in such a predicament before. I flip-flop on whether I should stay or leave on a regular basis and it has come to this boiling point of me seeking advice on the situation. If I do try the patience route, should I keep holding hands and cuddling with her? She says she likes the contact and I think it shows how I feel about her on a subliminal level, but is this behavior something that is harmful to my prospects in the future? I feel that if I stop participating in such acts, that I will be projecting that I just want to be friends, when this is obviously not the case.
Tayla Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Courting a Lady can be as simple as maintaining a gentlemans' manners. Rise above the desire to touch or carress her, Keep it polite and light hearted. If she asks why you are becoming less touchy-feely or personal , do as any gent would do and tell her you value her too much to venture into anything beyond what is mutually acceptable. ( Basically you are regarding the relationship and where it may or may not go). Should she make a pass at you on a boyfriend/girlfriend level, be civil and let her know its best to take it slow and enjoy the friendship side. She pretty much said she isn't ready...So remind her that its okay and you respect that. (Provided you do). I wish you well as you seem like a decent gent.
coolheadal Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Then if that's the case then you have to be patient with her until her mind-set will be more focus on you and her. Right now it's just her and what's going on inside her head from the prior 10 years relationship. For you take what you can get from her now, start slowly as you not use this type of relationship. Like you have to take a deep breath in and hold then release it. Your intent is the now, meaning your focus is more on what your needs are. Right now her intent for the now is how to deal with not being in 10 year relationship and how to cope without it. This is why you have to give her time, and don't push things. Sure you can go out, do things. Cuddle like you said this is fine, also hold hands (this means a lot) most women won't even do this. The love is coming back into her life with you. Just do what you do best, but again do it on the low side and things well turn around when it happens. Can't rush or push it! Take a slow step each day. But again have fun and make her happy. Bring her flowers, even plants are better than flowers today. She can take care of it by watering it. Today it's the thought that counts. For you now do keep us inform here how thing progress with you and her!
Author boberts27 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Courting a Lady can be as simple as maintaining a gentlemans' manners. Rise above the desire to touch or carress her, Keep it polite and light hearted. If she asks why you are becoming less touchy-feely or personal , do as any gent would do and tell her you value her too much to venture into anything beyond what is mutually acceptable. ( Basically you are regarding the relationship and where it may or may not go). Should she make a pass at you on a boyfriend/girlfriend level, be civil and let her know its best to take it slow and enjoy the friendship side. She pretty much said she isn't ready...So remind her that its okay and you respect that. (Provided you do). I wish you well as you seem like a decent gent. She will sometimes initiate the hand holding and hugging, and when I do, I always ask her if she is comfortable with it, for which she always says that she is. I don't want to cross any boundaries and this is why I ask. Restraining from hand holding and cuddling would be very difficult for to do at this point. For me, it's almost like giving chocolate to a child and then when they develop a love for it, telling them that they can never have it again and will be served broccoli in its place. I do my best to be well mannered around her and try to come across as civil, but from my experience, I have found that if I act with high-manners 100% of the time, then it inadvertently seems to relegate my status with a female to being just a friend. As much as women want a man to have manners, they also like a man to be a man and sometimes manly things are not very civil and/or considered gentlemanly. So for me, it is finding a balance between the two, but more importantly, I feel that it is about me coming off as genuine, and being genuine is a mixture of 3 parts manners and 1 part unpredictable behavior. Sometimes it is so much easier to tell someone to be patient than it actually is for them to do so. This seems like one of those cases. My heart and soul are telling me that I need to get this girl before someone else swoops her away, but as you and others have pointed out, I need to put logic and her needs above my own. I am just so confused about this whole situation and want don't want to screw things up.
Author boberts27 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Then if that's the case then you have to be patient with her until her mind-set will be more focus on you and her. Right now it's just her and what's going on inside her head from the prior 10 years relationship. For you take what you can get from her now, start slowly as you not use this type of relationship. Like you have to take a deep breath in and hold then release it. Your intent is the now, meaning your focus is more on what your needs are. Right now her intent for the now is how to deal with not being in 10 year relationship and how to cope without it. This is why you have to give her time, and don't push things. Sure you can go out, do things. Cuddle like you said this is fine, also hold hands (this means a lot) most women won't even do this. The love is coming back into her life with you. Just do what you do best, but again do it on the low side and things well turn around when it happens. Can't rush or push it! Take a slow step each day. But again have fun and make her happy. Bring her flowers, even plants are better than flowers today. She can take care of it by watering it. Today it's the thought that counts. For you now do keep us inform here how thing progress with you and her! It's funny, sometimes we think that we are doing the right thing for someone else when the reality is that what we are doing is acting out of selfishness. In retrospect, all the the emotions and thoughts that are going through my body are just that: they are mine. I have been neglecting what she is feeling and what she is emoting and it is now really paining me to think about that. What you said about the cuddling and holding hands, and the fact that most women won't even do this, really makes me feel better. But, your next line: "the love is coming back into her life with you," really struck a chord with me on an emotional level. Maybe what I have been doing with her all along has been helping her to cope with her pain and just might be something that I have going in my favor. I feel that my bringing up this issue of wanting a relationship is starting to take a toll on her and forcing her to reconsider our friendship. From now on, I am going to put the brakes on any further inquires and just let things unfold naturally, despite the fact that I'm scared to death of things not turning out in my favor, but such is life, right? Do you think the flowers would be a bit much at this point? I feel that if I did that, then it would be just another way of me forcing my desire for a relationship upon her. I have already made plans to carve pumpkins with her in the coming week or so, as I feel that this is a much less formal activity than giving her flowers, plus, she said that she never did this with her ex, despite that fact that she always wanted to. I appreciate your advice and will definitely keep you posted on how things progress.
coolheadal Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) Then hold off on the flowers although the pumpkins idea sounds great. Go with that idea. Yes you need to do things you would never do or have never done prior. We all follow one way, but we should always try something different. Giving a plant in a pot of dirt means that you giving her something that will last and she would to take care of it. Next time try instead of roses give an: Orchidaceae instead when the time is right later down the road. Take care again move slowly with here. It sounds like our getting into THE NOW! Your intent will unfold if you play this right as your doing right now. Edited September 27, 2013 by coolheadal
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