Mascara Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Like many guys on here, you're obsessing about not being "used" to the extent that it's going to spoil the whole date. I've seen guys on here not have a date in a year, then when they finally do they get all worked up about her being a gold digger if she asks for a cookie with her coffee. If you live in a city, just pick a nice comfort restaurant, as someone else said. There must be a million to choose from. This angst is all your own making. 3
clia Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I wasn't implying it was code for spend money one me. I was simply stating that I am concerned based on all the other factors that she wants a meal and I feel a little pressure to take her someplace nice being it is just our third date, which yes means spending money to me. I think men worry about being taken advantage of for a free meal far more than it actually happens. The reality is that unless a woman is so broke she can't afford to buy herself a meal, I can't imagine too many women who want to spend an entire weekend evening with a guy who they have no interest in just so they can get a meal and a glass of wine. Most women I know would rather be home on the couch watching that week's episode of Project Runway on the DVR than devote an evening to a guy they don't like. 5
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 I am interested in this girl, I like her. I enjoy her company and I want to get to know her better. Maybe her door in half way shut for some reason or maybe she just isn't into communication outside of face to face or maybe shes really super busy. I don't. I just don't want this to be a case that she really isn't that interested and that she dates several times a week,. I am not into that. I can date diffwerent women a few times a month but it doesn't interest me to date someone who dates a ton and just goes out for meals. I want to have fun.
clia Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 How long have you actually known her? A couple weeks? That's really not long, and some people need more time to open up and get comfortable. And maybe she doesn't doesn't like talking on the phone. I hate talking on the phone and it drives my boyfriend insane. I'm also not a big texter, so I can get that also. At this point, you two are still figuring out your communication style. But, if she's continuing to agree to go out with you, then she must have some interest in you. Whether or not she's dating others...well, since you aren't exclusive and you met her online, she very well may be dating others. That's the norm for most people who are online dating, until one person rises up and they decide to be exclusive. I would expect her to offer to pay for something soon, though. By date three, offering to pay for a cab, dessert, pick up the tip, to buy you an after dinner drink, etc. would be the polite thing to do. 2
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 If you live in a city, just pick a nice comfort restaurant, as someone else said. There must be a million to choose from. This angst is all your own making. Angst? That's really funny. A little anxiety I guess but that's a strong word. I relate it to hard core punk music and anti establishment youth anger. lol Worried about being used? Ahh. I don't know. Everyone has to take a look at my post. I like this girl and want to know her more. Look at what I said about the communication and the enthusiasm then combine that with the fact I did try to plan something and she responded with she just wants a good meal and a drink. I want her to like me. It's not just about getting a meal out of me. I am trying to gauge if she like me or not and I know feel a little pressure because she is dictating what she wants instead of allowing me to plan something.
clia Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I would respectfully disagree with this [and point out that your experience as a conscientious woman inevitably limits your personal experience with this issue]. You would be *surprised* and I mean really *surprised* how often that happens [and even more surprised who actually does it.] -- especially with the OLD and how easy for girls to get different guys to do that. It's amazing. I think if you are dating quality women who can afford to support themselves and aren't in a financial mess, you vastly reduce the chance of this happening. Why men date women who are financial messes is beyond me. I could see women who are broke going for the free meal, as I mentioned. 3
Arabella Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 feel a little pressure because she is dictating what she wants instead of allowing me to plan something. I don't understand why its a huge deal that she stated a preference of what she feels like doing on one particular date. It's not like she requested a specific restaurant. Why not just go with the flow? if it becomes a pattern in subsequent dates, then you can worry about it. 1
Mascara Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Well, you're the one who was so worried you started a thread. You've got 4 women active here at the moment who are all telling you "wtf, just chill". So you know... chill . You won't enjoy your date at this rate.
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Well, you're the one who was so worried you started a thread. You've got 4 women active here at the moment who are all telling you "wtf, just chill". So you know... chill . You won't enjoy your date at this rate. I honestly can't express my emotion properly here. I really am chill. I am not 'so worried'. Starting the thread shouldn't be confused with me freaking out or something. I just find it helpful to sort things out in my head and get some good feedback. I respect the opinions of other some may be out there, old school, some make sense, some don't but I respect them all non the less. So, I appreciate all the feedback but particularly from the women. btw: no one said 'wtf just chill' did they?
Arabella Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 As a suggestion, since you're not really clear on what she wants... Why don't you take her to an Italian restaurant? No, Olive Garden doesn't count More like a cute family-run restaurant that won't break the bank. It's romantic, and it will give you both plenty of options. If she wants light food, she can opt for one of the healthier options, and if she's thinking comfort food, she can choose something creamy. They will also most likely have a good selection of wine by-the-glass. You should be able to get that kind of dinner for ~$40, tip included.
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 with that isolated information alone, completely agreed. Completely. Of course. But i think the free-dinner dater thought only became an issue when you considered that data point with all the other factors (no calls, slow texts responses, lack of enthusiasm felt throughout the first two dates, no physical hint/sign/connection whatsoever, op's gut feeling that she is dictating the terms and might not really be interested in him). So to be fair to the op, i think he should have seen some signs of interests at this point or should see right around this point (or right after this point). If this girl is continuing to "date" him without really showing any romantic/sexual interest (and i'll take anything here, a smile, a feeling, few calls, one or two flirty texts, an extended hug, hand touching, kiss, etc.) and then only going on dates of her preference/selection, that is just bad sign and there is really not a lot of ways to interpret that. exactly!!!! Yes,yes,yes.......
Arabella Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 exactly!!!! Yes,yes,yes....... I would agree with that statement too... but consider this: I dated my fiance for 4 months before I had sex with him, and 4 more months passed before I wanted to be his girlfriend. We both spent thousands of dollars in the meantime. I was interested, but I needed time. How much do you know about this girl? it's only the THIRD date. If you really like her, be patient. For the next date, suggest something cheap (ie a walk in the park and icecream) and see how it goes. So long as there is constant progression (even if it's slow), I wouldn't worry too much. 2
veggirl Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I would assume she's paying since she's the one who's telling you dinner and wine. I can't imagine saying "no, I want dinner and wine" to a guy I like, especially if that's more expensive than his original invite. Rude. If she is sooo exhausted she should stay home cause someone sooo tired is frankly lousy company. 2
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Thanks to everyone for all the feedback. I've gotten a few little hints she likes me but not a whole lot at all and like I said the communication is slow. It's everything combined. I'm use to a little more enthusiasm when someone likes me. I just want to be sure she's interested.
cif Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Friday night after a long work week all i want to do is dinner and a glass (or several) of wine as well. maybe next week plan something for sunday afternoon. or better tell her to plan. see what she comes up with. it will reveal a lot about who she is and gauge how she feels about you. btw i hate phone convos, gets boring fast. even with my own mother! much prefer face to face.
veggirl Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 damn really I'd just be like too tired to go out on a friday? too lame for me! I mean what was the original idea? A walk and seeing what happens? TOO TIRED TO WALK? stay home!
clia Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I don't think she ever said she was too tired...that explanation has sort of morphed from all of our speculation. I think he just suggested going to the museum for an hour, and walking somewhere to get dinner, and she responded that she just wanted a good meal and a drink. So, maybe she just doesn't like museums or wasn't in the mood for it. 1
Arabella Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Did it occur to anyone here that perhaps this girl has plenty of money to pay for herself, and she just wants to enjoy a nice meal with this guy after a long day? Why does everything have to be some insidious plot to get a free meal? Good grief. 2
heartshaped Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Maybe she's holding off on the enthusiasm as you haven't even gone on three dates yet? If I'm crazy about someone I tend to be cautious at first especially so early on. The two of you are only just getting to know each other so I wouldn't expect too much enthusiasm or over the top declarations of affection. As for the communication thing, I don't think that's odd or a big deal either. I have a very busy schedule so I'm slow on communication as well. Also, just not a talk over the phone type of person. I'd much rather in person discussions. Basically, OP I think you have nothing to worry about. I agree with other posters as well that said a good meal doesn't always equal expensive.
veggirl Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 I don't think it's a deep plot to get a free meal but she hardly talks to him outside of the dates and I think don't think she is very interested. I think if he was like "No I'd really like to do X" other than the dinner & drinks, she'd decline. So yeah she is probably kinda going cause she'll get dinner & drinks. If you really like someone would you be like "no not that lets do this instead" when the person's original idea is...really normal/typical, and it's ONLY your 3rd date? Looks kinda high maintenance to say "no, dinner instead!". I mean its not like he's all "lets go rock climbing after work!" he's like "lets have a walk and see what's going on". and she's like "no I don't wanna walk with you but I'll eat dinner and drink with you" basically. I think she's rude. She basically told him to buy her dinner & drinks instead of what he suggested. oh well I guess. Personally I'd be turned off if I was the OP, mostly cause she is not all that communicative during the week, I think it'd be different if she was obviously excited about him..........then again if she was obviously excited about him, she wouldn't care what they did on their date 1
cif Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 veggirl is right. when we're excited about a date we'll do anything with the guy. even walk around a museum in 4" heels. but OP wasn't assertive. when she declined he should've said ok let's leave it for another day when you're up to it. perhaps she senses he's over eager. maybe she's a big girl and can't walk around. we don't know many details. basically, it's been 3 dates and 3 dinners. hopefully op will update us on the fourth. 1
Mascara Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 OP. you'd better report back! Did you pick somewhere yet?
Author bohica Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) A lot of great feedback and interesting perspectives. I'm glad it made you all think because this all has been a social experiment based on....... nahh I'm just kidding. I'm on my way to meet her. I chose a little place to meet that has nice atmosphere and isn't over the top. One person repsonded saying that maybe its something only a guy a understand. Maybe that's true in some respect but you all have had great things to say as well. Maybe I do need to consider that she's just in the mood for a quick bite and something to eat. Myabe she feels at ease enough to be honest. Benefit of the doubt I guess but not with out considering everything you all said. 912203..... your not being positive. I am just feeling this out and as someone mentioned it can take longer for other people to warm up. I haven't sensed she's NOT intersted or I wouldn't be getting the 3rd date. I just haven't gotten a lot of it. And blah blah the whole rest of the story. Edited September 27, 2013 by bohica
Author bohica Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Ok..I am on my way home. I am very happy to report that things went very well......I mean very very well. ;-)
Author bohica Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Just do what you suggested: A nice walk around the village and a taco meal, or some other kind of food that's agreeable to both of you that's inexpensive but good. You can get a good plate of food for $5.99. I'm feeling like your cmment is completely sarcastic. If this Tara M.....please take take part in my posts.
Recommended Posts