prd Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Hi So long story short: Met this girl. First date went great and towards the end she said "I definitely want to see you again." Second date is a week later - we go to a baseball game - afterwards we go have some drinks on a rooftop bar, make out, we hold hands everywhere we walked after that. I took her home - we made out and I got to 3rd base inside my car in her driveway. Third and final date, 3 days later, she wanted me to come over to her house, so I did, met her mom and grandma and me and her went out for drinks. After drinks, we are just walking around outside near a park holding hands and she asks "What do you feel about us?" I say I like it, I enjoy spending time with you etc etc and ask her the same...she goes "Me too, same, but I don't know, I'm kinda scared and unsure. Most of my relationships started out great like this but then just go bad. I just don't know if this is what I want." But then we make out again right after that. So I'm kinda confused at this point. We go back to her house, cuddle on her couch, kiss more, she goes "Yea, i think we can make this work". I leave a bit later and everything seemed fine, still a little confused though. Two days after that, I notice her texting is different and she seems more distant. Shorter responses, no smiley faces, etc. Three days later I ask how she's doing and that's when I get completely ignored and never get a response back. I let it go for over a week, finally text her to see what's up/what went wrong. She says "I thought it was you - I didn't think you were feeling it so I didn't want to bother you or seem needy." I was like "no that wasn't the case at all, I liked spending time with you and I thought everything was going well - I thought you were the one becoming distant because you never replied back." She goes "Oh we must have thought the same thing then". I go "I guess, so can we hangout sometime?" No response. 24 hours later I text "So I guess that's a no then?" No response. Haven't heard from her since. She initiated most of the texting and initiated the last 2 dates. She complimented me a lot like you're really cute, sexy, pretty eyes, nice body, I think its cute you're shy and nervous, you're funny etc etc. She told me I was a great kisser and wanted to kiss me again and again. She was texting me a lot. She had me meet her mother and grandmother, which apparently few guys get to do. She's been cheated on, physically abused and treated badly in her past relationships. So what went wrong? Why did she just start ignoring me out of the blue? Did she really just lose interest in like 48 hours? Or is it that whole scared thing? - she dated bad guys so she's scared that it might turn into the same situation as her past relationships and she doesn't want to get hurt or something? I'm just really confused.
Guitarisgood Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. You over communicated in those few weeks you guys were together. You should have texted less (maybe met up more instead), kept your cards close and make the girl do more work in establishing everything. Sure she has a bad past and sure you can be a nice guy but you cant be a walk over nor solve all her problems.
salparadise Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 She's been cheated on, physically abused and treated badly in her past relationships. Or is it that whole scared thing? I think the abusive past is the key to it. People who have this pattern are traumatized by abuse, and drawn toward those types. They tend to have fear of intimacy and abandonment issues. They have a strong need to be loved and accepted but can't tolerate the feeling of vulnerability when they start to get close, so they hold people at arms length or sabotage. I'm guessing this is what's going on here... as soon as she starts feeling you she pushes away. 1
Phantom888 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Just a hunch...I think she met someone else, and was dating both of you at the same time, and couldn't make up her mind. When a girl really wants to take a chance with someone, she will not let the opportunity slide. You should ask her upfront. Quit guessing... it's painful to not know.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Just a hunch...I think she met someone else, and was dating both of you at the same time, and couldn't make up her mind. When a girl really wants to take a chance with someone, she will not let the opportunity slide. You should ask her upfront. Quit guessing... it's painful to not know. I was thinking the same thing. In any case, she was very rude to just ignore you like that. You don't want someone who can't communicate or even offer you basic courtesy. Don't contact her anymore. You will find someone else who will love spending time with you!
NoMoreJerks Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 (edited) I am kinda in a similar situation (also cheated on, abusive past relationship), and dating a guy, I always respond to texts and sometimes initiate, use smilies, etc., but I truly am trying hard to have feelings for him but can't. And sometimes I get panic attacks and get cold feet, and want to pull away, but I don't know how. I might end up ignoring him instead of facing the whole thing and telling him what's going on, though I feel horrible about doing that which is why I haven't done it so far, I guess. Anyway, just saying that this might be the case, rather than the multi-dating explanation. I have a hard time trusting/getting feelings at this point, even when I have sex with a guy. I also told the guy I'm dating, that I wasn't sure about meeting up with him (we met online), after he asked me out, because I wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship -- that I had recently gotten out of a horribly abusive one , and was cheated on by the same ex. And he said it's ok, that we can take it slowly. I'm still not sure, though. I do text him and go on dates with him, but I get panic attacks every time we go out on dates. Edited September 27, 2013 by NoMoreJerks
Author prd Posted September 30, 2013 Author Posted September 30, 2013 Thanks for the replies everyone. I think it's a mixture of both her shaky past relationships and something she just wasn't feeling relationship wise, but I will probably never know for sure. At times, I felt that she doesn't really know what she wants. Some of my friends who are girls all say she has some issues and it's nothing to do with me. I just wish she could've been honest and told me the truth instead of ignoring me and then making up an excuse after I contact her saying "I thought it was you who wasn't feeling it" and then ignoring me again. I guess that's an easier way of ending it for her rather than being upfront. Oh well, I'm just going to move on and have been for the past week because that's probably the best thing at this point. Thanks again for the help!
truth_seeker Posted September 30, 2013 Posted September 30, 2013 I am kinda in a similar situation (also cheated on, abusive past relationship), and dating a guy, I always respond to texts and sometimes initiate, use smilies, etc., but I truly am trying hard to have feelings for him but can't. And sometimes I get panic attacks and get cold feet, and want to pull away, but I don't know how. I might end up ignoring him instead of facing the whole thing and telling him what's going on, though I feel horrible about doing that which is why I haven't done it so far, I guess. Anyway, just saying that this might be the case, rather than the multi-dating explanation. I have a hard time trusting/getting feelings at this point, even when I have sex with a guy. I also told the guy I'm dating, that I wasn't sure about meeting up with him (we met online), after he asked me out, because I wasn't sure if I was ready for a relationship -- that I had recently gotten out of a horribly abusive one , and was cheated on by the same ex. And he said it's ok, that we can take it slowly. I'm still not sure, though. I do text him and go on dates with him, but I get panic attacks every time we go out on dates. Forget dating. You should see a therapist to work out these problems first.
Author prd Posted October 10, 2013 Author Posted October 10, 2013 Alright well here's an update and I now know the reason why I got ignored out of the blue (this is probably a rare case) - I forgot to mention she had told me when we were dating, that she had a 'lesbian phase' last year for about 6 months. It turns out she went back to that phase and what she wants is a woman now (all of a sudden??). She has been too damaged from guys in the past and that's what she was scared of, so even though everything between us was great, I still got kicked to the curb because of that and the fact she doesn't want to get hurt. She is starting to see some girl and it's confirmed via Instagram lol. Unfortunately, she's a confused and complicated one.
todreaminblue Posted October 10, 2013 Posted October 10, 2013 she initiated most fo the texts you dont make a damaged person do all the work as anothe rpostr sort of suggested she already did apparently women who have been hurt in relationships or tricked in the beginning...often are scared wouldnt you be? i think the only way you are going to know is have a face to face......and no normally peopel dotn change in 48 hours from being affectionate and happy to disinterested....even this messed up duck wouldnt unless i was truly fruit loopy.......so talk to her honestly she is the only one who knows.......i dont know how long ago she broke up with her partner or whatever but time is warranted if it were a difficult relationship......i needed heaps of time....i am only really ready to date now after years ....i do the scared thing before i date.......but i will kamikaze myself for someone i truly do like.......no matter how scared i am i do it.......and i have been messed around rather spectacularly ........one thing i have learned from being messed around is to be upfront.........while dating.......i let them know how i feel there is no doubt.....deb
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