ixlives Posted November 27, 2004 Posted November 27, 2004 Been with g/f for just over 2 years now. Had our problems which we worked through except one, WE HAVE NO SEX LIFE. In the first three months it never was a problem, then it just seemed to dissapear. We are both in our 30's, I am divorced after 11 yrs., she's never been married, and had only a couple serious relationships. I try to get romantic and bring the "spark" back, but am always rejected, I am in love with her, and she says the same to me, but I would think there would be more intimacy than once a month, if that. She's definitley had more partners than I have, she's told me about many of them, some were, in my eyes, a little fast, like after a first date. Not intercourse, but she told me how if she was interestd in a guy and was "whooed" she would give him a blowjob. I'm at the point were I feel if were in love, why can't she be intimate with me, I feel like it's just an act to her, and doesn't have the meaning behind it that it should have, She's mad that I brought up her "past", but I never asked to hear it, and I told her I feel it should be there more with a person your in love with, than just to show someone your interested in them, am I wrong to be running out of patience with this?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 27, 2004 Posted November 27, 2004 Could be any number of things. How's your relationship other than the sex? Are you connected with each other otherwise? If there are no other problems, and no other stressors on the relationship - it could be that your lady simply has a low sex drive. It isn't unusual for women to be in relationships and just not feel the same need for sex that men do. That chemical 'magic' wears off and you fall into a comfortable intimacy that isn't necessarily sexual. I think that men like a physical manifestation of love and women need an emotional manifestation of love. Scenario of destruction: man wants to show the woman that he loves her by bonding with her physically, but woman wants to be assured that the man will love her for something other than "just sex". Its a vicious little cycle. I have married and divorced friends and they pretty much all say the same thing: in the beginning the sex was hot, but then it just dwindled to nearly nothing. In one case, one guy's wife would just lay back and let him do her and she'd do it as if she were grudgingly doing him a favor - she'd lay there bored and ask him repeatedly if he was finished or not. From what he was telling me, he wasn't a bad lover - and did a variety of things to 'keep it alive' for them - but she simply was no longer interested in sex. He could have been doing the kinkiest, most explosively orgasmic moves in the book and she would just be apathetic about it. She loved him, she just didn't see sex (good sex or otherwise) as a necessary part of their relationship like he did. The way he sees it, sex was the way she baited the trap. The way she sees it, sex is unnecessary once you are in an established relationship. They couldn't work it out, and they divorced eventually. It could also be in the way your g/f views sex - is sex something that has been an integral part of loving relationships in her past, or has sex just been a fairly casual part of her relationships? If she has had relationships in the past that were sexual, but not loving and intimate - it could be a thing where she doesn't associate sex with love and isn't comfortable mixing the two in one relationship. That is even more bleak. I know people for whom their motto is "I can't love a person I'm having sex with, and I can't have sex with a person that I love." - Big time intimacy issues there. Lets hope it isn't that! Either way, its definitely worth talking out. It sounds like you two have very different ideas behind the importance of sex in your relationship and what sex means to each of you. It would be well worth it to be open with each other about it, and to see if there is a way that it can be worked out between you.
Author ixlives Posted November 28, 2004 Author Posted November 28, 2004 Well, I try to show her it's just not the sex, I've had a tub with candles waiting for her when she gets home from work, bring her flowers constantly, massage her back, "cuddle" while watching a movie.She shows no feelings or emotions to those things. I try to talk it out with her, but it never works, she's very short tempered, and I don't bring it up to fight with her. As for her view of sex, I think you might be right in some way. From what she's told me, it seems sex to her is just a tool, an act, she would do an act on a guy to show him she was interested. It has alot more meaning to me, but I guess I'm trying to force her to have it mean something also, I just know it's something of many things for a serious relationship to work, but with this topic, the more I say it bothers me, the more it's with held. I've gone as long as 2 1/2 months without saying anything, to see if she would initiate anything, but that didn't work either. I'm very confused about this with her
overseas2004 Posted November 28, 2004 Posted November 28, 2004 Apparently she does not have a low sex drive if she has the past that you claim she has. And since I have one that is similar then I can identify with her because I have been in a relationship with someone that I loved very much but could not have sex with even though I had sex with lots of other men. I am not saying that her problem is the same problem but let me put out some logic for you. 1. She may not be attracted to you but still may love you very very deeply. If that is the problem then the two of you are better off being friends. 2. A woman who has had a lot of partners has a reason for jumping into bed with a lot of people. In my case, I was really hurt by a previous relationship that lasted for six years. I started sleeping around when that relationship ended as a way to comfort myself. And my sleeping around got so bad that well frankly I lost a part of myself. You can imagine how many people hurt me along the way and how many people I hurt. And the wound I started out with after breaking up with one person just got deeper and deeper. This cycle continued for most of my twenties and part of my thirties. I am just now recovering from it. It sounds like this could be it since you mentioned the part about her thinking sex is a tool. It sounds like she may need some help to get past her problems, whatever they may be. I would seriously have a long conversation with her.... if I were you and try to get to the bottom of this. You actually may be able to help her. Maybe even therapy might help. In my case, I met a guy who helped me get past all of it. he set an example for me and made me a better person. I still have times when I go back to my past behavior but I have gotten a whole lot better. What can I say.... give it a shot. But not having sex is just gonna make you more and more frustrated.
Author ixlives Posted November 28, 2004 Author Posted November 28, 2004 WOW,,,it sounds exactly like her story. She has told me about being hurt in the past on a few occasions. I have been suporrtive, reassuring, and dont force her or pressure her into anything. I have asked he if she still attracted to me, she says yes. The way you desribed your situation, its like listening to her.
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