Loki512 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 Ok, so let me start off by apologizing for the length of this. My ex and I were together for 3 and 1/2 years and have been broken up for about 4 months. Every bit of it has been a wild ride. That being said, this might take a second to flesh out. Thank you to those that have the time to read and respond I will start by saying that we had been living together for 2 and 1/2 years. I am 24 and she is 23. The break up happened when I lost my job. I had not much of a savings account, so most of the bills had to be taken care of by her. She felt I had let her down by not having more money saved in case of a situation like this. I did go out and find a new job within two weeks, though it does not pay nearly as much. Since we were living together and our lease was about to run out, we figured we would try and make the last 3 months of the lease. In that time I have gotten the most confusing mixed signals. At first she went out a lot, as to be expected. She did always come home though, which was slightly relieving. We slept in the same bed for quite some time, but I would move to the couch occasionally when I felt the pain of being next to her was to strong. We talked a good bit while living together, though sometimes we would argue and not talk for a day, then go right back to talking again. She would hug, kiss, and cuddle with me regularly (and even sleep with me occasionally). I begged and pleaded for her back a few times, much to my own disappointment because I typically know better than that. Of course, that strategy didn't work. So we have moved out since then, it has been about 3 weeks now. We still see each other almost every day. We certainly talk every day. I'm not adhering to NC, clearly, but I do let her initiate almost all the talking. I'm not trying to play any mind games, so if she wants to talk (which her contacting me tells me she does), then that is absolutely what I want to do. She asked to come watch a TV show we always watch together the other night, to which I happily agreed. All of our pictures from the relationship have remained on her facebook page, and when I ask about them, she says, "I'm not ready to take them down yet". She still tells me she loves me but that she just doesn't want the burden of a relationship right now. She tells me she needs time, but like I said, I don't contact her, she contacts me. We still hug passionately when we say goodbye to each other. She even nibbled on my ear after we took our dogs to the park yesterday. All that being said, anytime I want to talk about the relationship, the conversation turns sour. It is becoming clear to me that what I want is not the same as what she wants in that regard. But if that's the case, then why is she still coming around? I feel like, for my own good, I should just let her go until she realizes what she has lost. On that same token though, I am not a perfect person and I have many things to improve about myself. Ah, it's all so confusing. Please someone help?
BC1980 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 This is a classic example of someone wanting to have their cake and eat it too. This happens all the time, and it happened to me. It's pure torture, and only a selfish person would do this to you. I will advise you to go NC, and your perception of the relationship will be clearer weeks from now.
heartshaped Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 She loves you and isn't ready to let you go yet, but has no plans for reconciliation. As much as it hurts, you need to break things off with her and go no contact. What she's doing, in the end, is only going to hurt you more.
Author Loki512 Posted September 27, 2013 Author Posted September 27, 2013 Thank ya'll for the input. I kind of feel like that is the best thing to do too, I guess I just wanted to ave an outside source validate that feeling. As a side note, she did come over this morning before class unexpectedly to hang for a bit. She said I smelled amazing and that she wanted to eat my neck (Don't ask, we are both kind of weird lol). She did the whole ear nibbling thing again when we hugged goodbye as well. Another interesting point, why is it that when the ex that we want to come back gives us love and affection, it hurts? Is that not what we had been hoping for? Or maybe it's because, as nice as those things are, we desire the somewhat certainty of commitment to go along with those feelings. If that is the case, would you say that we are every bit as selfish as they are for wanting what they are not interested in currently giving?
petee Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 This is the same my story. It took a tear of limited contact and 408 miles distance between us. There'd been no contact for quite a while, then a message on the machine which I chose to ignore, followed up by a call which did catch me in. She came for a visit and we were back on. I wasn't playing hard to get, I'd just got bored of chasing. The moral of the story, as eluded to, is create some distance, is don't respond to every text or call......it will kill you but just try to resist being as keen as you are, she's used to it now.....give her something to think about when you aren't instantly to hand. Good luck mate, I have a good feeling a about this.
petee Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 One thing I never said, be patient and never ever give an ultimatum! Even I know that's the worst thing you can do, been there seen it and done it! Please take that advice! 1
malin819 Posted September 27, 2013 Posted September 27, 2013 oh boy I can relate to that because I'm still seeing my ex aand we have the same type of relationship. She doesnt want to be in a relationship but acts like it. I was able to let her go for 3 weeks but fell in her trap once again...only a matter of time before **** blows up again
petee Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hey, keep us posted, it is soooooooo similar to me and my wife. Everybody likes a happy ending, and I'd lay a bet this is one!!
Mariposa10 Posted September 28, 2013 Posted September 28, 2013 Hey, keep us posted, it is soooooooo similar to me and my wife. Everybody likes a happy ending, and I'd lay a bet this is one!! One of the things I learned on this forum is that no situation is unique... What's up with all these exs not leaving us alone if they don't want anything with us? I don't understand. It's so selfish. How are things with you? Do you still respond when she contacts you?
Author Loki512 Posted September 28, 2013 Author Posted September 28, 2013 Thanks for the support petee. I have taken your advice and not responded to all the texts. That does not mean I never responded, I just waited. I did send her a text this morning that read, "Good morning beautiful. Hope you have an awesome day :)". She responded with a blushing smiley face thing and told me to have a good day as well. I left correspondence at that and decided to see if she would text me. I was at work anyways and really did.t need the distraction. Between the hours of 1 and 5:30 she texted me 5 times about random things in her day and that she should have left her dog with me ( she went out of town with her parents for the weekend). I finally texted her back after that and we ended up talking for an hour. She asked how I was and how work was and all that jazz. I ended the conversation with a simple smiley face and she sent me back a text saying that she would send me pictures later of her in her new Halloween costume. Anyways, sorry for the long update. I try to give good details lol. It was definitely tough to not instantly respond, but it definitely felt good knowing the conversation began and ended on my terms
Polak Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 Another interesting point, why is it that when the ex that we want to come back gives us love and affection, it hurts? Is that not what we had been hoping for? Or maybe it's because, as nice as those things are, we desire the somewhat certainty of commitment to go along with those feelings. I think you hit the nail on the head here. I mean, the whole reason you're wanting the commitment is for the resulting security and tight-knit love. If it wasn't for that, many people would act like they're dating without committing themselves (like what she is doing with you at the moment). In any case, I am also looking forward to updates. Looks like it's improving dramatically already!
petee Posted September 29, 2013 Posted September 29, 2013 My wife an d I had previously been married, so I took her to Prague to see some family and we got close but that was it. A year of me instantly returning texts and calls got me nowhere. So when I was working the New |Year and she left a message I just ignored it. She called a few days late, arranged a trip up to see me 408 miles in the north of Scotland and we went from there. I'll nevr know if it was because I just didn't respond to the voicemail, but I kind of felt good that I didn't just jump straight on the phone, which took strength on my part I can tell you! It could be that whilst I was so keen that I never had that 'thing' that the opposite sex can detect.....not desperation but something similar, maybe she thought I was going off the boil and then the thought process kicked in....no petee then what!! We joke about it now and she denies it all in good humour, but I think that's what started us off!! Good luck, and what you've done today is excellent and seems to be reaping results. Nice work, but it isn't natural to play it cool and it absolutely kills when you are just getting used to doing it.
Author Loki512 Posted October 1, 2013 Author Posted October 1, 2013 Big update with lots of new happenings coming after class. For those asking about happy endings, I am not saying this is one, but things are looking pretty good
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