Ldr

[zackaroo]

Hi everyone, first timer here.

 

I've known this girl for 5 years. We were kinda close on and off and i liked other girls back and forth too. I did like her at a few points in time but i thought i would never love her enough to be in a relationship. Maybe 7 months ago, we started talking daily and love happened swiftly and beautifully. I really couldn't get enough of her and started to really love her deeply.

 

She lives across the globe from me, but we have made realistic plans to engage and marry. I will come to visit her in 1 month to engage and meet her family, etc.

 

The problem is, within the last 5 days we've had the most tense conflict of our entire 5 years. The conflict was more intense because, although we've had conflict in the past, my feelings were never at stake like this before.

Basically, she's a very modest and shy charactered woman, she has a very innocent personality. She said that she was developing such feelings for me, she started doing research about what happens to a woman on her wedding night so to speak and she stumbled across pornography. This affected her a lot. She cried and couldn't eat properly that day.

 

The morning she told me i stayed with her was so supportive, reassuring her that it wouldn't be violent and that these people are paid actors and these are not acts of love, etc. The problem is, for some reason i couldn't get this out of my head after that. I feel terrible. Some conflict continued on my part afterwards, i said that maybe i was jealous that she was seeing naked males LOL. After that, i confronted her again saying that maybe i thought she was pure and innocent and this changed that in my eyes.

 

I know i'm a bastard for saying it, but it's what i was feeling even though i don't want to feel this way and it doesn't even make sense to me. Why do i feel this way??? I can honestly say i don't want to feel this way. I just kept making things worse with my words. She was like "This is not the person i thought you were...you're no different from men around here." etc etc.

 

The thing is, if i wasn't so emotionally attached i wouldn't have given a ****, but i'm just so in love and jealous/protective. How can i deal with my insecurities?? I've admitted to her it's my fault for causing her this pain and we have tried to reconcile since then. Remember it's only been less than a week. Will this fade with time? I feel almost embarrassed that i have perpetuated such a thing that should have been a non-issue. She said once before, she accidently saw a naked man on facebook (sent to her inbox disguised as a message), and i seemingly didn't care and was over it in a few minutes.

 

 

My other question is: This relationship is entirely Long distance. When i go to meet her will this problem affect us in person, face-to-face??

 

Sorry for being a prick, i'd love your help though.

[zackaroo]

bump, anyone?

[Carenth]

Maybe 7 months ago, we started talking daily and love happened swiftly and beautifully. I really couldn't get enough of her and started to really love her deeply.

 

She lives across the globe from me, but we have made realistic plans to engage and marry. I will come to visit her in 1 month to engage and meet her family, etc.

 

Sorry to say this doesn't seem realistic at all... You have been in a LDR for 7 months haven't met her in person and are planning to engage her when you meet for the first time. How is that at all realistic?

 

Just so I get this straight. You are having issues because your perceived picture of her being an innocent and pure girl is ruined because she has looked at pornography? If so then that is a serious issue because you have made up some fantasy girl in your head. Believe or not a lot of people have looked at porn at some point in their life (yes women too *shock horror*).

 

If that is all you value her for then you might want to reconsider this relationship. I don't really want to ask but what will happen when you do have sex with her and she loses her "purity" and "innocence" will you discard her? I think that is an incredibly shallow reason to be with someone.

 

My other question is: This relationship is entirely Long distance. When i go to meet her will this problem affect us in person, face-to-face??

 

If I haven't misunderstood your post then all signs point to yes. It seem you have made her into a fantasy girl that won't be able to live up to your unrealistic expectations of purity and innocence.

[zackaroo]

Sorry to say this doesn't seem realistic at all... You have been in a LDR for 7 months haven't met her in person and are planning to engage her when you meet for the first time. How is that at all realistic?

 

Just so I get this straight. You are having issues because your perceived picture of her being an innocent and pure girl is ruined because she has looked at pornography? If so then that is a serious issue because you have made up some fantasy girl in your head. Believe or not a lot of people have looked at porn at some point in their life (yes women too *shock horror*).

 

If that is all you value her for then you might want to reconsider this relationship. I don't really want to ask but what will happen when you do have sex with her and she loses her "purity" and "innocence" will you discard her? I think that is an incredibly shallow reason to be with someone.

 

 

 

If I haven't misunderstood your post then all signs point to yes. It seem you have made her into a fantasy girl that won't be able to live up to your unrealistic expectations of purity and innocence.

 

 

Okay, thank you for your honesty. We're muslims, so relationships work a little differently for us i suppose. These things mean a lot. I have known her for 5 years though, and we've gotten to know each other very gradually over this period of time.

 

Maybe you are right about this "fantasy girl" notion. What i would like to know is how do i overcome that, because i don't want to be that person.

I mean, i have exams coming up very soon. Do you think stress may be playing a role in my behavior??

[emi]

ok let me give you my opinion.

I didnt read all of your story, but 5 years is very long time, why you never even met her once? ( ITS 5 YEARS !)

And whenever you know this person for 10 years online for 15 years or what

if you want to get married, you gotta meet her first, spend sometime with her, living normal daily life.

 

Yes, if you two were living close to each other, you dont need to live with her ,you can get to know each other by normal dating to see how is the physical chemistry and how she role around etc, but since you not, just try living in her town for like 1 month, in her house is way more convenient ( depend on your visa and her parents)

 

You will come up with some ideas whether you want be with her or not after it

Because i learned that, whatever you may feel about her by chatting, if you not feeling it WHEN FACE TO FACE.

 

Its useless anyway.

 

About your insecurities, everyone has it, ITS MUCH MORE when you doing LDR,

but you have to learn how to control it, also need sympathy from your partner. Thats how it is.

 

just meet her as soon as possible, 5 years is a long time already.

 

And most importantly, no time is enough to sit here to think of 10 million possibilities, rather you dig up some information about travel and some plan to meet up, you will get your answer in everything.

Edited September 27, 2013 by emi

[zackaroo]

ok let me give you my opinion.

I didnt read all of your story, but 5 years is very long time, why you never even met her once? ( ITS 5 YEARS !)

And whenever you know this person for 10 years online for 15 years or what

if you want to get married, you gotta meet her first, spend sometime with her, living normal daily life.

 

Yes, if you two were living close to each other, you dont need to live with her ,you can get to know each other by normal dating to see how is the physical chemistry and how she role around etc, but since you not, just try living in her town for like 1 month, in her house is way more convenient ( depend on your visa and her parents)

 

You will come up with some ideas whether you want be with her or not after it

Because i learned that, whatever you may feel about her by chatting, if you not feeling it WHEN FACE TO FACE.

 

Its useless anyway.

 

About your insecurities, everyone has it, ITS MUCH MORE when you doing LDR,

but you have to learn how to control it, also need sympathy from your partner. Thats how it is.

 

just meet her as soon as possible, 5 years is a long time already.

 

And most importantly, no time is enough to sit here to think of 10 million possibilities, rather you dig up some information about travel and some plan to meet up, you will get your answer in everything.

 

Thank you, god willing this is what i hope for too.

 

I will spend time with her like this when i visit after my exams. I'm hoping these silly insecurities fade after this when we're together. Thank you. That's what i will do.

[clia]

Basically, she's a very modest and shy charactered woman, she has a very innocent personality. She said that she was developing such feelings for me, she started doing research about what happens to a woman on her wedding night so to speak and she stumbled across pornography. This affected her a lot. She cried and couldn't eat properly that day.

 

How old is she?

 

Obviously no one has ever told her about the birds and the bees, so she went researching, and I don't think you should hold that against her. In fact, it is probably to your benefit that she have some idea what she is in for (if you do in fact end up marrying her) if seeing what happens during sex caused her to lose her appetite and break down into tears.

 

Did you really think that she was never going to find out about sex? I find your reaction really strange and bizarre, especially if you want to marry her, and presumably have sex with her someday.

 

Put it out of your mind and stop blaming her for researching something she likely should have already known about.

 

My other question is: This relationship is entirely Long distance. When i go to meet her will this problem affect us in person, face-to-face?

 

There is no telling what is going to happen when you meet face to face. You may meet her and discover you have no chemistry in person, or you don't like her mannerisms, the way she walks, the way she smells, or any number of things you can only really learn about someone when you are with them in person. And likewise, she may discover those things about you.

 

Good luck.

[zackaroo]

How old is she?

 

Obviously no one has ever told her about the birds and the bees, so she went researching, and I don't think you should hold that against her. In fact, it is probably to your benefit that she have some idea what she is in for (if you do in fact end up marrying her) if seeing what happens during sex caused her to lose her appetite and break down into tears.

 

Did you really think that she was never going to find out about sex? I find your reaction really strange and bizarre, especially if you want to marry her, and presumably have sex with her someday.

 

Put it out of your mind and stop blaming her for researching something she likely should have already known about.

 

 

 

There is no telling what is going to happen when you meet face to face. You may meet her and discover you have no chemistry in person, or you don't like her mannerisms, the way she walks, the way she smells, or any number of things you can only really learn about someone when you are with them in person. And likewise, she may discover those things about you.

 

Good luck.

 

Hi Clia, i know i shouldn't hold that against her. It makes me feel terrible like a treacherous and infantile person, but i'm really not like that. I just don't know what it was, but i want to overcome it. Believe me, i find my reaction bizarre too. Maybe this is some kind of Freudian issue, where because she reminded me of my grandmother so much, it's like some psychological dilemma now. Do you think this is some kindof madonna/whore complex?? I doubt that though, because before this i was so comfortable with the idea of sexual intimacy with her.